Shame Lifter
For those of you who ask what books I recommend, I have one I would like to highlight today. My mother’s close friend Marilyn Hontz has written an excellent book on the topic of shame. I want to be clear however: I am not promoting this book because she is my mother’s friend.
I am telling you about the book because it is powerful.
Through sharing stories of her childhood, Marilyn opens up about how certain small yet significant moments affected her adult life. She defines shame and gives the reader hope founded on the truth of Christ. It’s truly a transformational look at shame and how it’s different from guilt.
By reading it, you may discover how people who have been “shame-givers” have contributed to lies that are keeping you in a conscious or subconscious paralyzation. You may also realize how you have unintentionally been a “shame-giver” yourself…
But guess what?
We don’t have to stay where we are. Ultimately, we have a choice of what truths we will believe. But sometimes there are pivotal moments in our lives when we awaken to what those lies are, and this book can be that moment.
It was for me.
I asked Marilyn to share some of her thoughts on shame and how it might affect our relationships. This is what she wrote to me:
Shame can start out seemingly small, but grows. Someone rolls their eyes at you, and you feel dismissed. You lose your job, and you feel like a failure. Someone calls you a negative name, and it becomes a label you wear for life. Someone abuses you—physically, emotionally, or sexually—and you feel like you’re not good enough or you wouldn’t have been treated that way. A parent does not affirm you, and you feel inadequate and not valued enough to be loved by anyone. As shame grows, it is often responsible for the many negative lies we believe about ourselves.
I wish I would have been aware of my shame and the havoc it was producing in my life before I got married. When two people marry, they each bring their own ‘baggage’ into the marriage. For a person to be as emotionally healthy as possible before marriage is a gift not only to yourself, but to your mate as well.
Dealing with our shame as soon as possible and recognizing the lies about ourselves that are produced from shame is so freeing! Your confidence is restored; there is a lightness in your soul. You are also able to ‘live loved’ no matter your marital status. It’s like God takes His hands and lifts your face to look Him in His eyes. He whispers, ‘Those who look to me are radiant—their faces are never covered with shame. You are my beloved; now please live in my all-encompassing grace and unfailing love. I have lifted your shame; you no longer need to drag around your heavy baggage.’
Psalm 119:29 (New Living Translation) has been a meaningful verse for me on my journey of healing from shame to freedom. Whenever I am tempted to believe the old lies about myself, this verse has been my prayer: ‘Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing Your instructions.’”
If you are dealing with shame, I highly recommend you read through this book and then seek out a professional counselor or someone in your church who is older and wiser than you. It will bring up a lot of good things to think about, and while a lot of it can be processed with you and God, I also think it’s good to process your healing in community. Find that one person, and let him or her pour truth into the lies.
From my heart and with great hope for healing,
Joy
UPDATE: Marilyn has graciously offered a personalized signed copy of Shame Lifter. Leave a comment below for a chance to win! Winner will be announced on Monday, March 5th.
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Comments
Comment from faith
Time February 28, 2012 at 11:23 am
God truly knows all of our needs in His perfect timing. had been looking for a good book like this for the hubs and i! thank you for sharing this! heading to Mardel after work and picking up my saved copy.
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Comment from Julie
Time February 28, 2012 at 1:33 pm
Add one more to my “Joy says to read” pile! Looking forward to it!
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Comment from janackeh
Time February 29, 2012 at 9:29 am
wow, great topic, should be a great book!
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Comment from Alana
Time February 29, 2012 at 9:30 am
This sounds like a wonderful resource and something I could have used 8 to 10 years ago. It’s been a work in progress and God continues to do His healing work in my life.
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Comment from Julie
Time February 29, 2012 at 9:31 am
I thought I left a comment yesterday, but I guess I forgot to hit “submit” before I closed the tab.
This one is going on my “Books Joy says to read” list!
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Comment from Becki
Time February 29, 2012 at 9:31 am
This sounds like such a great resource. For me shame seems to be something that sneaks up on. I’m not aware of the hold it has on my life unless I really take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Thankful for a God that has conqured shame and lives in me!
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Comment from Jaime
Time February 29, 2012 at 9:32 am
Thanks for the chance to win this book! I added it to my wishlist the other day! Looking forward to reading it myself; but, being able to pass it along to a friend, as well.
“Psalm 119:29 (New Living Translation) has been a meaningful verse for me on my journey of healing from shame to freedom. Whenever I am tempted to believe the old lies about myself, this verse has been my prayer: ‘Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing Your instructions.’” ” // TIMELY words yesterday!
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Comment from Alexa
Time February 29, 2012 at 9:45 am
I want a radient face un-contorted with shifting shadows hesitant veils. The Lord uncovers us and calls us His, enough. So fresh and free. Shame can be debilitating, God leads us step by little steps into our true selves.
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Comment from Courtney
Time February 29, 2012 at 10:22 am
What an interesting topic, this is something I think a lot of people overlook in their lives. I can defiantly identify with this topic in my life.
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Comment from Robyn
Time February 29, 2012 at 10:51 am
Shame is so dangerous because it clings to people. I can already think of several people to lend this book to.
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Comment from Faith
Time February 29, 2012 at 11:10 am
Pick me pick me 
surely my chances are higher since this is my 2nd comment
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Comment from Megan
Time February 29, 2012 at 11:37 am
Thanks so much for this recommendation. I have participated better in a few groups that gave emphasize to shame in our lives and how it affects our decisions. Its so powerful to know why we react to situations the way we do. Then to be able to fix our thought patterns to reach an emotionally healthier self.
Thanks, I think this book would be very helpful
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Comment from Erica
Time February 29, 2012 at 11:46 am
I would love to win this book – it sounds like a great read!!!
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Comment from Jennifer
Time February 29, 2012 at 11:48 am
Shame Lifter sounds like an incredible book. Letting go of guilt seems to be the theme of my life lately. God is revealing layers of shame I did not realize I had been dealing with. Funny how that happens.
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Comment from Lauren St. Martin
Time February 29, 2012 at 4:33 pm
This book sounds amazing, and I would love a copy for myself, and my small group of girls.
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Comment from Joelle
Time February 29, 2012 at 4:38 pm
I dealt with shame for years. God walked me into the light and provided healing and peace.
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Comment from Kirsten Zimmerman
Time February 29, 2012 at 5:21 pm
This sounds like an amazing book……….I have alot of shame I have felt through many years of poor decisions and being ignored by most of my family members
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Comment from Liz
Time February 29, 2012 at 5:21 pm
This book sounds amazing. Her way of words makes one feel worthy of feeling the way that they do. Not ashamed. Love it.
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Comment from MARY
Time February 29, 2012 at 5:22 pm
I really loved reading this short message, it made me hundry for more. SHAME…. it is so common today, as Christians living & trying to survive amongst haters & shame givers. GOD gives me strength, daily. Thank you for this book.
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Comment from Kristine
Time February 29, 2012 at 5:22 pm
I’m just thinking, “I hope it’s true.” Because there is a lot of lies I know I believe about myself. The self-contempt is epic.
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Comment from Teri
Time February 29, 2012 at 5:26 pm
I can see how shame can devour a person. This book sounds like it could help many people work through this “killer.” I personally have lived my entire life with shame and it is a monster that has been heartily fed over the years. Can’t wait to read this book.
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Comment from Keith Holster
Time February 29, 2012 at 5:29 pm
Looking forward to it. My parents died from a murder sucide when I was 17. I have felt shame my whole life from it.
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Comment from Denise
Time February 29, 2012 at 5:34 pm
Besides myself, I know there are friends of mine who could benefit from this book. I look forward to reading it!
Although the Lord has already done a mighty work in me – oh His patience – I still need help with my unbelief… it seems to appear when I’m around those that are the root of some of my shame – not always warranted I don’t think, but just can’t always shake it!
God bless you…
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Comment from ellen
Time February 29, 2012 at 5:34 pm
Shame is a subject that I have been really addressing over the past month. Like an onion, the layers pull away until you get to the real issues. I would love to win the book- the title alone speaks to me. Thank you.
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Comment from Carrie
Time February 29, 2012 at 5:36 pm
Timely post recommending the book. I’ve just started reading Shame Off You, and think I would probably appreciate Shame Lifter as well.
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Comment from julie morgan
Time February 29, 2012 at 5:36 pm
Hi my daughter reads Love & Respect religiously ! I would love a signed copy of this book to give her. She is still having trouble getting her husband on board. I know she would be so thrilled to get this book. Thank-you for this chance !
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Comment from Cassandra
Time February 29, 2012 at 5:44 pm
Thanks for the post Joy! Can’t wait to read the book!
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Comment from Jillian courcy
Time February 29, 2012 at 5:47 pm
I need to read this book. I’m not so sure I can wait to see if I win it!
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Comment from Yvonne
Time February 29, 2012 at 5:51 pm
I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy for a long time and I’m searching to understand why. I think this book could be an eye opener for me. I will definitely be looking for it.
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Comment from Julie Rogers
Time February 29, 2012 at 5:52 pm
Sounds like a good book for everyone who experiences unbiblical shame…..believing that they are worth less than anyone else or exceptionally flawed as a human being.
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Comment from Heather
Time February 29, 2012 at 5:53 pm
Reading this book could really straighten out all of the lies I have always believed about myself. Thank you.
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Comment from Valerie
Time February 29, 2012 at 6:01 pm
As a sexual abuse survivor who told her Mother, my mother then replied by asking me if I wanted to go to the local mental hospital, or another time said I was lying, The lack of affirmation & protection hurt me more than the actual abuse ever did. The school counselor knew, I even talked to a police detective who told me they would need pictures… What else was a 12-13 yr old to do.
The Shame of a Mother’s refusal to help her only child has been a hard one to shake. Your book sounds promising as I have been wearing many layers of described shame for years.
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Comment from Caroline Massey
Time February 29, 2012 at 6:11 pm
Can’t wait to read this book! I am a therapist and life coach and really believe that “shame” is what is holding many people back from living the life they dream of.
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Comment from kymw
Time February 29, 2012 at 6:42 pm
WOW! i would love to read this book. It sounds wonderful. And it sounds like something I have lived, and thankfully been set free from. Oh, there are moments when it rears its ugly head, but for the most part I am constantly receiving all God has in place of it. I can not wait to read this book. And I will indeed read it, weather I win it or not!
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Comment from Maureen
Time February 29, 2012 at 7:07 pm
Oh wow.. yes, dealing with shame is life-changing. I am praying to be able to see myself as God sees me. That is where I find self-worth. I am excited to read this book! Thank you for the post!
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Comment from lisa
Time February 29, 2012 at 7:08 pm
What a thrill to give “birth” to such a helpful sounding book! Shame is a word that has almost all negative connotations with it. I have always been curious why the KJV encourages a “shamefacedness” for women 1 Timothy 2:9..which makes me think well maybe I’m not understanding the scope of this word. Look forward to pursuing this book. Where will we be able to buy it?
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Comment from Gloria Marie
Time February 29, 2012 at 7:20 pm
I am a people pleaser. I always want people to like me. Every time I do something that is embarrassing (whether sinful or not) shame and guilt eat me up. I am sure that this book would be a blessing for me to read. I need a reminder of the gospel and how Jesus took MY shame.
Humbled,
GM
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Comment from Carol J. Smith
Time February 29, 2012 at 7:23 pm
Oh, I would love to win and read this book. Just recently beginning to more fully understand the power of shame in people’s lives after suffering abuse. Thank God for healing, hope and strength.
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Comment from Amber blue
Time February 29, 2012 at 8:55 pm
that would be so cool to live with out shame. I am a Singel mother of 3 now and only 31 years old. I live with the lies that the Abuse I recived was my falt. I am tring to learn that it was not and that I could trust again. However some times I feel alone and thing I will never live out of this shodow. And that no one will ever want me b/c of what has been done to me. Maybe I will check out this book.
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Comment from Audrey
Time February 29, 2012 at 8:58 pm
This book looks really good. It would be great to win this book, but if not, I’ll probably buy it anyway. It looks like a worthwhile read for anyone who feels bound by shame. Thanks for bringing this book to my attention
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Comment from B.H.
Time February 29, 2012 at 9:28 pm
Thank you for this opportunity! I looks like a good read.
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Comment from gRegor
Time February 29, 2012 at 9:32 pm
“Overcoming shame” has been a recurring theme and battle in my life for . . . quite some time. I’m really interested in reading this.
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Comment from Pamela Yandt
Time February 29, 2012 at 9:37 pm
Wow what a powerful message I need to hear I’m so often not willing to share my struggles with others and recieve that healing that Jesus wants to give me!! My husband and I have been watching Love and Respect and learning so much Thank you for recommending this book I truly believe God’s has been working on me specifically about this lately I can’t wait to see what He has in store but I’m also scared to take that Journey! So maybe this book can be the first step!!!
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Comment from Mike
Time February 29, 2012 at 9:50 pm
I have had to deal with my shame being exposed recently. About a week ago I was caught in a lie that unravelled my life. I had layers and layers of lies that I had been using to cover myself with. I didn’t realize how heavy they had become and now I feel a new found freedom! Shame is a powerful wicked friend that whispers ” it’s our little secret, don’t expose me or you will die”. What a liar it is!
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Comment from Sal
Time February 29, 2012 at 10:10 pm
Wow! I never realized I have been dealing worth this issue! I never thought of shame in this light. I was so relieved to read the effect shame can have on us. This sounds like so many of the things I’ve deadly with. Marilyn, thank you so much for sharing this book. I would be blessed with a copy to read, maybe I’ll win, maybe not. Either way, I’d love to check it out, so this is one to add to the library!
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Comment from Megan E
Time February 29, 2012 at 10:18 pm
This book sounds fabulous, I’d love to read it!
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Comment from jo
Time February 29, 2012 at 10:27 pm
This is definitely the theme and focus of my life lately… Identifying (shame based) lies I believe about myself. I need to read this book, soon!
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Comment from Chih
Time March 1, 2012 at 4:56 am
I am your friend in HK and have enjoyed reading books you recommended at the decode conference. It will be lovely to read this one as well.
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Comment from Christine
Time March 1, 2012 at 11:18 am
I would be interested in reading this book.
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Comment from Rayah
Time March 1, 2012 at 2:26 pm
“For a person to be as emotionally healthy as possible before marriage is a gift not only to yourself, but to your mate as well.” This is so true and I wish more people would grasp this. Being healthy emotionally is so important, not just for ourselves, but also for those who surround us.
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Comment from Jennifer Corbin
Time March 1, 2012 at 4:03 pm
I’ve been battling with issues of shame since I wa 16 and I’m now 40. This book sounds like something that could really help me with this. Please do put me in the drawing for this book. Thank you and God bless you.
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Comment from Sabrina
Time March 1, 2012 at 4:47 pm
Thank you for writing this book. I am on a shame healing adventure and walk this path with many clients. I can’t think of a more important topic!!
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Comment from Rose
Time March 1, 2012 at 6:43 pm
My husband-to-be and I could both REALLY use a copy of this book. I’m leaving a comment for my signed copy. lol. Thanks for the recomendation!
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Comment from Stephanie
Time March 2, 2012 at 3:38 pm
If you would send it overseas I would love to receive it. I think it will benefit me greatly.
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Comment from Megan
Time March 2, 2012 at 7:22 pm
I have spent the last 4 months dealing with anxiety and depression- it came from nowhere and knocked me off my feet. I am sensing some new green sprouts coming up out of the mess but I know God is just beginning whatever it is He wants to do in the garden of my heart. There are a lot of things from my past- big and small- that I have said, “the past is past” to and not brought them to my Daddy. Now He wants to deal with them… all at once, it seems. I’d love to read your book, though I imagine I will scrape the money to buy it if I don’t win it. Thanks for addressing this topic.
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Comment from Aldo Notarandrea
Time March 2, 2012 at 10:41 pm
just remember everyone, who cares if an entire crowd booed you. my motto is.. if i was on stage and people threw tomatoes at me… i’d just sit back & laugh at them.. because i took all their tomatoes.. mmmmm yummmy.. that’s how i view life… i always gave a damn, but i never gave a… Fudge…. (had to keep the last part clean, out of respect.) ; )
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Comment from Megan
Time March 3, 2012 at 8:32 am
This book sounds perfect for those of us who grew up in a legalistic home (me) I feel like my whole childhood was shame and guilt-based!
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Comment from Katy
Time March 3, 2012 at 8:48 am
Awesome! I added the book to my Amazon wish list and would love to read it!
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Comment from Lisa
Time March 3, 2012 at 10:51 am
Looks like a great read, recommended by a friend. Thank you!
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Comment from erica ritchie
Time March 4, 2012 at 8:04 am
This book sounds like it will be helpful to so may people. Including myself!
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Comment from Holly
Time March 4, 2012 at 9:49 am
Sounds like a great read! I always love good book recommendations!
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Comment from Miranda
Time March 4, 2012 at 11:00 am
Definitely being added to my “to-read” list!
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Comment from Naomi W.
Time March 4, 2012 at 11:26 am
This book sounds so good!!!! Adding it to my list of books to read…
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Comment from Debbie
Time March 4, 2012 at 7:05 pm
I sincerely believe more of us struggle with this than are willing to admit it. Really looking forward to reading this!
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Comment from Tracy Riley
Time March 5, 2012 at 9:29 am
I will go to the book store and get it today! Thanks Joy!!
What a fantastic, eye opening topic.
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Comment from Dawn
Time March 10, 2012 at 1:49 pm
It’s great to have people like you sharing about this topic.
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Comment from Ehren
Time March 16, 2012 at 6:53 am
Sounds interesting. I would certainly give it a read.
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Comment from Dania
Time March 27, 2012 at 10:05 am
Shame is a plague in marriage. It eats away at you and seeps out at times that make no sense. And it puts responsibility on your spouse for things that were not their fault
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JOY
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March 5th, 2012 at 9:12 am
@Jillian courcy, Hope you waited, because you WON!!! Congrats! Send your contact info/mailing address to stephanie@loveandrespect.com
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