I have a crush on my friend, but since we’ve been friends for so long, I don’t know how to say that my feelings have changed. I don’t want to ruin the friendship, so what should I do?

My Response

The “Ask Joy” above is a shortened version of many similar questions I have received. Men and women all at one point or another seem to find themselves with a friend who was always “just a friend”—who now suddenly looks a little different.

Maybe it’s just the lighting.

Maybe she took notice of something you always wanted to be appreciated for and your heart softened a little.

Maybe he did something that made you realize he would be a good parent someday.

Maybe he grew out a beard and you realized you have a very shallow weakness.

Just me?

The two most recent questions I have gotten on this topic have been from women, so I will answer from that point of view. I did answer a similar question from a guy about being stuck in the “friend zone.”

The interesting thing that I hear from many women is that they want to be pursued. They want to be chosen. If you are a woman, and that’s not you, or you’re a man who wants to be pursued, don’t get your panties in a bunch. You can do whatever you want. I’m addressing the women who DO want a man to want them enough to make the first move.

And that’s many of you—and me.

Some women might get confused when they read posts like my “Who Pursues” series and somehow interpret it as my saying, “Sit back and don’t say anything.”

That’s not what I said.

I actually think there is a place for more women TO say something to the guy friends in their lives. To set better boundaries and to honestly think through the feelings and behavior patterns that they’re developing in their singleness.

OK, Joy, so…

1. How do I do that?

2. And depending on how “that” turns out, then what do I do?

Well, for starters, I did a series on guys and girls being friends, and I proposed a series of questions to ask yourself if you have feelings for your friend. Stating you have feelings for your friend should not be done on a whim, the day before you start your period, or after you’ve listened to a song by Ray LaMontagne.

Trust me.

Next thing you know, the Macarena comes on your shuffle and, not only are you embarrassed, but you realize you’ve just lost that loving feeling.

Sometimes as women we operate too quickly when our emotions feel so strong. In your desire to know what your friend-who-you-now-maybe-want-to-kiss thinks and feels about you in return, you might have a DTR* simply to release the pressure of not knowing anymore, but you haven’t thought about the next steps that would follow. And many women feel the urgency to have a DTR because the friend they like either isn’t interested and legitimately sees them as a friend, or he’s waiting for lightening to strike and, in the words of one woman, “he said he was attracted to me but didn’t want to date because he was waiting for God to make it perfectly clear.”

And then he proceeded being her “BFF.”

Wwwwaaaa?

So here are a couple of ideas for you ladies of things you could do if you realize the friendship is in a weird-flirtatious-we-aren’t-just-friends-but-I-don’t-know-what-we-are state.

1. Back off from initiating anything with him, and when he notices, just let him know your feelings: that you feel like he was treating you like a girlfriend but wasn’t clear about his feelings, so you wanted to let him have his space so he could get some clarity and let you know how he feels about you.

(Side note: He may not notice and he may not say anything. It might be painful, but it might be a clear sign of how he feels about you.)

OR

2. You could say up front, “Look, we have known each other for ______ years,” and then share with him all the things you respect and admire about him. Then be honest about how your feelings have changed and why you think it would be worth giving dating a shot, but then also say something like, “But I kind of feel like we are in this ambiguous friend zone and I want to be with someone who wants to date me. You don’t have to say anything right now, but I realized that because my feelings have changed, it probably isn’t wise for me to keep playing the role of friend. At this stage, it seems like we are just snacking, and I’m at a point in my life where I am ready to have a real meal.”

Be prepared. This is not a game.

Don’t back off to manipulate; back off because you genuinely have come to a crossroads and you know it’s the wisest thing for your heart. Pray about any scenario that you decide to move forward on and, as always, talk with wise people who know you. These suggestions are not the word of God, but simply my ideas for backing off from the friendship (if that’s the only role he’s playing) while still sharing your heart honestly.

From my heart,

Joy

My Response to My Response

As I gave these suggestions, I felt a bit uneasy and wondered if I had given the best advice for their scenarios. What if I told them the wrong thing and they did what I said? (This is why Scripture warns “teachers” to be careful.) Sometimes I literally want to sit down and moderate the conversations I know many of you are going to have after we e-mail because I feel so responsible.

OK, so I have control issues.

In the midst of my e-mailer’s remorse, I picked up Timothy Keller’s book “The Meaning of Marriage” and read this passage. I couldn’t believe the timing and I absolutely loved Kathy Keller’s strength, grace, respect for Tim, and respect for herself!

Listen, don’t try to follow my words exactly. Don’t copy Kathy Keller. The point of this is that I want to make sure women don’t think that being pursued means letting a guy have you play pretend-girlfriend while you secretly pine away. There’s still a way to let a man initiate and pursue even after being clear about where you stand and what you desire. Don’t manipulate as you initiate, and be honest about what you will do if the outcome is not what you imagined when Mr. LaMontagne was singing.

From my heart again,

Joy

*defining the relationship or door toast richard.

Questions:

What affect does it have on you to secretly maintain unspoken feelings for a friend?

What prevents you from telling telling them about your feelings?

How can you prepare yourself for a potential outcome that doesn’t match your hopes?

Love and Respect NOW is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate. Copyright © 2012

I want to build a solid foundation of a relationship, but I don’t want to overwhelm a man with my emotions.

My Response:

I first want to say that I don’t like that women get a rap for being overly emotional. I think both men and women were designed with strong feelings and sensitivities and emotions. But where we can see general differences is oftentimes in how women process their emotions, and how men process their emotions…

Question:

Have you ever experienced your emotions being real but not right?

How can you create space for someone to share emotions without getting overwhelmed?

What are ways we can show grace to someone in how they express – or don’t express – their emotions?

Love and Respect NOW is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate. Copyright © 2012

Recently I was having breakfast with my friends, Shannon and Melissa. Melissa is a N.I. (Non-Instagramer) and we were explaining to her that people now write #nofilter if a picture hasn’t been doctored, because everyone assumes if a picture looks good, it’s obviously been edited.

“No no, really people!! This tree ACTUALLY looked so good that I need to inform you that I didn’t do anything to make it look more gooder. #nofilter #fo-real #properenglish.”

Or maybe it’s not so obvious.

When a picture has a #morningrainbowsandsunshine filter we may not think. Over time we may assume reality really WAS that vibrant even though we’ve never seen a tree in the Northwest produce neon pink leaves.

Our reality becomes electronic.

This type of voyeuristic not thinking can translate to our personal lives. I’ve mentioned in posts from the past that we can easily be distracted, dissatisfied or disillusioned with our own life by what we see online. For example…

• distracted with our current relationship
• dissatisfied with our current season of life
• disillusioned with someone’s online or imagined persona

Woah. Settle down, Joy. It’s just pictures. And now the extremists among us are gonna go deleting all their social networking accounts and get pious about people who use photo filters and make their pictures artsy.

You’re right.

Let me go on record saying that I personally love all the photos the galaxy of social media provides. It’s an artistic and creative outlet for many and a way to keep friends and family up to date on life’s happenings.

#mynephewiscuterthanyournephew

There is beauty to behold in this life – even online. We are attracted to beauty and we can’t help being awed and trying to awe others. I think that speaks to something greater and something very good.

But good can always be twisted, and toy with us.

Rarely do I post a picture without thinking, “will this be funny?” or “wait, where’s the shot where my lazy eye is less noticeable?” And I certainly don’t want to post a boring picture where I am paying bills, blowing my nose after crying, or staring at a wall with my mouth half open.

Am I alone in this? #dontlieyouhavealazyeyetoo

After doing this #MMM project (which I realized later was the dumbest hashtag I could have created; see why here) I realized I wasn’t alone. And many of you did what I KNEW would be uncomfortable for all involved by posting pictures with: no filter, no editing and no explanation, at random “uninspiring” points of the day. Here’s what some of you said…

“I felt a little disheartened that my life is so boring.”

“I care way too much what other people think.”

“I’ve found myself posting the pictures and than anxiously waiting to see if anyone likes them or comments on them. Like what they say would make my day less tedious or less mundane.”

“I never set alarms on my phone so every time one went off, I just about had a heart attack.”

Me too. Seriously. If you have an iPhone, whatever you do, don’t set your alarm to the sound of “Trill” unless you want to cut years off your life.

Outside of causing heart palpitations, I also wanted to highlight that maybe our view of what is beautiful or important has been skewed or revalued. Some of you realized your life actually needed something different and you were inspired by becoming aware of your daily choices.

“Is this really what i want my life to look like?”

Others of you found comfort in realizing you were not alone in your eight hour computer stare.

“It was great to see that there were plenty of other people stuck behind computer screens, or trapped on couches all day long. I’m not the only one who isn’t enjoying an iced americano in a field in a perfectly staged picture.”

#MMM shots from some of  YOU

Most typical picture, tied with driving shots. via @noordinaryheart

One honest person being on Facebook when an alarm went off! via @tiffanygail518

Best shot of an unassuming victim via @sarahtate (How long were you watching, Sarah? #creepy)

This photo via @heathershultz made me miss highschool. #byebyebye

The photo that caused an audible “oh no!” out of me. via @amarakress

This is my favorite shot. Hands down. via @grossphotos

That morning with Melissa and Shannon I decided I wanted to do something that would be a tangible reality check reminding us that online photos usually highlight the highs, representing only a small portion of our lives…but to also remember, that there’s beauty in the mundane.

Now in a less than smooth transition let’s have a short Sunday school lesson…

You know how scripture tells us the story of when Jesus noticed the old widow giving her small amount of change? (Or “widow’s mite” as you might call it. #dadjoke) Jesus was about to go to the cross, a burden that must have been slightly distracting and consuming. But guess what? He noticed. His friends were looking elsewhere, but Jesus was fixated on her.

She was doing something she had probably done many times, and she probably did so in faith. No one paid attention because they didn’t see her as a big “contributor.”

But guess what? Jesus noticed. And he thought it was beautiful.

As my father, Emerson Eggerichs says, “What matters to God, matters.”

So on those days when you feel like you’re not a big contributor to the world, your job or your family…know that He sees your heart. And when you don’t have vacation photos to post or cool desserts to snap because you’re saving money to pay off your college loans…know that He sees you. Or when your summer is spent in the hospital with your mom who is dying of cancer instead of capturing a shot of the drummer throwing his sticks after the final encore…know that He sees.

And even if you DO have all those cool shots to post, how much are the number of “likes” really going to matter other than momentarily making you feel noticed?

I appreciate all of you who contributed to the #MMM project, but I want you to know that you’re really a contributor to this life not because you get noticed or “likes” or comments, but you contribute if you just keep going each day – with an awareness of true beauty – even on the mundane days, in May, that happen to fall on a Monday.

And there’s beauty because it’s real. And real life has #nofilter.

It can can be…

Messy

Boring

Routine

Scary

Lonely

You probably won’t post those pictures or many like the ones you posted yesterday. That’s ok. But remember, there are other people not posting the #nofilter pictures, too. And even though you might be in a season of seemingly unending “mundaneness”, think about the way Jesus noticed the widow. Take note of the gifts you have been given and try to create beauty in the mundane by the way you live even if it’s not by everyone else’s beauty standards.

I hope you believe there is one who is watching.

Questions:

Comment here or get a group of friends together to discuss. Of course only after taking a group photo of everyone laughing “candidly” while they are #havingthebestnightever!

Do you think you miss the beauty in your own #reality because you are comparing to other people’s #filtered-reality?

Could you do more things in the day to add #real beauty to your mundane and others’? How?

Is the mundaneness because of your apathy or because of your season?

Is the mundane serving a purpose for you right now?

How do you think the perspective I’m presenting translates to our #real-life relationships, marriage and singleness?

Do you struggle to believe God takes notice of you?

p.s. Here is the photo album from some your #mmm madness. If I didn’t find your shots, post on the FB wall!

p.p.s. Seriously – only one person caught looking at Facebook? Liars.

Love and Respect NOW is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate. Copyright © 2012

I know it’s human nature to want to know how to do something. Many of you often ask, “How do I show respect?” Or, “What does showing love practically look like?” While I often try to stay away from formulas and “Bill Nye the Science Guy” how-tos, I know it’s helpful from time to time to get ideas from other people, such as when I explained how a daughter could write a respect letter to a father.

You don’t HAVE to do these things, and doing them is never a guarantee of another’s response, but we have seen many people gain a deeper understanding of what makes another person feel loved or respected by giving different things a try. And if we can practice thinking about our parents and their needs, it will be that much easier to get in tune with a boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse as well.

Sometimes I give too many caveats, don’t I?

Moving right along…

Today I have asked my mommacita to share with you some of her tips for how sons can make their mothers feel loved on Mother’s Day. This is her first appearance on the blog, and it’s just the beginning, folks.

So take it away, Sally! (Yes, my mother’s name is Sarah and my name is Joy, but for some odd reason we often call each other Sally and Suze. We have identity issues.)

Mommacita Eggerichs

For you men who are Brian Regan fans, do you remember the day he woke up and realized the science project was due? He said, “Oh no!” Maybe you just saw a commercial or heard at a coffee shop that Mother’s Day is just around the corner—or you’re reading this very post and thinking, “Oh no.”

Don’t panic!

As Joy’s mother and the mother of two grown sons who are men of very few words (perhaps like you), the thing I treasure most are “just a few words” from my boys in a text or a card.

That for me is the best gift ever.

That means more to me than flowers that wilt and need water. It is a reminder that they do have deep feelings for me, and writing them down makes it easier for them to say them and for me to keep them.

Believe me, I was far from the perfect mother.

Hey, don’t make me feel bad if yours was. One thing that was of great encouragement to me was the day I read that Billy Graham’s wife, Ruth, admitted to yelling at her kids, BUT they didn’t remember. She recounted how shocked she was! It made me so happy that if God could give her children memory loss, maybe He could do the same for mine.

Most mothers fear their children will remember all those times they lost their cool over potty training (my mother-in-law assured me they would learn before they went to college, and she was right) or the ongoing nagging over a messy room. But I have tried to block that out of my mind.

What my mind does remember are those one-liners that my boys have written to me on Mother’s Day or birthdays.

If you’re having a difficult time thinking of what to write, remember the things she did as you were growing up and what that meant to you.

• Did she always welcome your friends into your home?
• Did she drive you for your paper route?
• Did she help you move during college and after?
• Was she cheering you on at your games?
• Did she believe in you?
• Are there things about her you would like in a wife?
• Did she always make your favorite foods?
• Did she pray for you?

Simply thank her for the simple things, even if she wasn’t able to do much.

Remember that you have only one mother. This may be morbid, but don’t wait until her funeral to tell her the things you feel in your heart.

Guys, take advantage of these special days to practice on your mom; it will come in handy someday when you’re a husband. Just a few words, and, maybe just for her, some flowers too!

From a Mother’s Heart,

Sarah

Question:

Any questions you would add to my mommacita’s list?

Love and Respect NOW is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate. Copyright © 2012

AMENDMENT!!

I didn’t even think through the fact that #MMM was also used in every person’s yummy food photo. I’m so special. So make sure you tag the Love and Respect NOW page on Facebook, @loverespectNOW on Twitter or @joyeggerichs on Instagram. Here’s my video update on the Amendment. Sorry folks!

Don’t forget (or question) the instructions:

1. Set six alarms for Monday, May 7th.

2. Take a picture of whatever is in front of you when alarms go off.

3. Post pictures to twitter, Facebook, instagram, etc. with #MMM (no filters, artistic angles, or descriptions), plus see amendement above.

4. Comment here on Tuesday, May 8th with people’s responses to your pictures, and how you felt participating.

5. Tell your friends to do this, too!

I promise to tell you why we’re doing this next week!

Questions:

After participating…

What did you think/feel as you posted your pictures?

What were the reactions of other people who saw your photos?

Love and Respect NOW is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate. Copyright © 2012

Hi, Joy,

I’ve been dating someone for five years now, and he used to be married before, but his wife cheated on him, and he is divorced. He’s an amazing, God-fearing, caring, smart, and handsome man.

But he has problems with anger…

…even when we have small arguments, he’d always scream and then apologize. He has even raised his hands on me a few times, too. Just this week we had an argument in the car and he got really mad and hit me and screamed at me. He did apologize in a text he sent me and said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore because I always trigger him to react this way. I feel like he’s getting back with his ex; he always said I was being too judgmental in that area. Maybe I am, but I don’t know how to go about this, Joy. I knew him when he was married too, and he was never like this. Is it because of his past? He wouldn’t even speak to me.

Kate

My Response:

Dear, Kate,

I want you to think of your best friend in the whole world. Can you picture her?

Now reread your e-mail, but pretend she is telling you this about herself.

What would you tell her to do?

Recently my father said to me, “Abused women don’t stay in unhealthy relationships because they like the abuse. They stay because they have hope the person will change.” This is a wonderful characteristic on one hand because it is what allows us to show grace. But it’s a dangerous characteristic if you are in an unsafe situation and are remaining in harm’s way.

Abusive men promise they will change—every time.

And while I have hope for all people, I also have hope for you to make a wise decision and REMOVE YOURSELF.

You don’t “trigger” your boyfriend to scream and hit; you simply reveal who he is allowing himself to be. People who say that “you” cause them to be the way they are behaving are unhealthy and manipulative. We all are only responsible for our own actions.

As my father says, “You don’t cause me to be the way I am; you reveal the way I am.”

So what is being revealed about you in this situation? Are you listening to the wise people in your life who know about your relationship? Do you have people in your life who know about these details? What is being revealed about your boyfriend? Pretend you have a daughter. Is this how you would want him to treat her?

Please wake up, my dear woman.

I don’t want you writing my parents 15 years from now, saying, “Why didn’t anyone tell me this was unwise?”

So hear me clearly: THIS RELATIONSHIP IS UNWISE. I truly hope you will get professional help immediately. Your investment in this relationship and love of this man are causing you not to see clearly.

From my heart,

Joy

p.s. You mentioned he was a “God-Fearing” man. Look up what that means. He’s not. A man who has reverence and respect for God almighty, wouldn’t be hitting women and telling them it’s their fault. He has messed with your head and twisted your definition of a Godly man. I’m sorry.

Questions:

What are some ways you can communicate to a friend who is in an abusive relationship, and blinded by love?

What “checks and balances” can someone have in place to prevent themselves from going back to an abusive relationship?

Can you recommend any resources on this topic?

Love and Respect NOW is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate. Copyright © 2012

Dear Joy,

I know I can do all of these romantic things, like take a girl out to a nice dinner and a movie, or a long walk on the beach at sunset, or cook for her, but…

…what actually adds the romance?

Sam

My Response:

You’re right, Sam, it’s not the thing that does it…

Questions:

Why do we default to “formulas” or “how to’s” when it comes to romantic gestures?

What is a romantic gesture that you’ve given or received that was unique to you or the person you were dating? (something that might not appear in a Hallmark card or romantic comedy)

Love and Respect NOW is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate. Copyright © 2012

Hey, Joy!

So I am a strong and outgoing woman. I am not a shy person at all! When it comes to the relationship area, people are very inquisitive, and they all have opinions as soon as they find out I’m single. I have many friends who bemoan the fact that they are single and will jump at any chance to flirt.

I think something might be wrong with me.

All I do is make jokes about never getting married and say things like, “I have too many plans, and they don’t include a man.” Or, “A man will just complicate my already-complicated life.” And, my personal fave, “I’m too high maintenance.”

All of these things keep me from looking desperate, but they make people think that I’m totally against men and marriage.

I don’t like how that makes me look, but I also don’t want to look like my flirty friends. Of course I would love to be in a relationship with the right guy, but I’m not going to jump at the chance with just any guy. I want the right guy. I’ve been told that because of this, many men are intimidated by me because I know what I want in my personal life and they think I’m too independent. When, actually, I would love nothing more than a man in my life to love and respect and eventually grow old with.

So, the question is, how do I remedy this reputation I have as being the strong, independent, not-wanting-to-marry-anyone girl?

Tracy

My Response:

Hi, Tracy,

I’m guessing you may have read my response to this question, where I say:

Men will hear your mantra of not wanting to get married, and if at age 25 you all of a sudden decide to change your mind, your past words will probably still ring in the ears of some guys who might be too scared to ask you out.

This is what I would encourage you to do:

Reread what you wrote—especially this line:

When, actually, I would love nothing more than a man in my life to love and respect and eventually grow old with.

This is important for you to recognize as a deep desire of your soul. We make jokes out of our insecurity that it might not happen, or we make disclaimers so people don’t think we are desperate, and all the while we are communicating something about ourselves that is not true or is inauthentic.

Who conditioned us to believe that saying we wanted to be married = being desperate?

When did we decide that independence = strength, and dependence = weak?

My guess is it happened when people were hurt from being dependent on someone who let them down. When we get hurt or see those we love hurt, it’s completely natural for us to conclude, “Nope. Not gonna let that happen to me.” But that causes us to put value on things that I believe are contrary to what God intended for us. God saw Adam alone in the garden and concluded that it was not good. Jesus knew he was physically leaving the earth and commanded the apostle John to take in his mother.

We were designed for relationship.

This does not mean that independence is wrong or solitude isn’t healthy (Jesus was a prime example of carving out some down time). But I think it’s important to recognize some of the reasons why we elevate singleness and independence to a place that is often viewed as “stronger.”

We know from Scripture that God alone is our sustainer, but I also think that God designed things such as food, water, materials, and people as things that are part of His design in sustaining us. And as much as we might like to think, “Oh, I don’t need food this year,” eventually your body is going to tell you something different.

I believe God designed you with the desire to be married, and as much as your fears of looking desperate or your pain from getting hurt causes you to say, “I don’t need a man…”

…eventually your heart will tell you something different.

Does God call some of us to be single? Yes. Does broken humanity cause some of us who desire to be married not to see that fulfilled? Possibly. But the only thing we can do today, in this moment, is to get in touch with our fears and our pain and do the best we can to be honest in how we are portraying ourselves to the world.

As for “remedying” the image you have already created for yourself, I would just decide that today is a new day. When conversations about relationships come up, be honest about where you are at. Maybe even say something like, “Yeah, I know I used to say I didn’t need a man, but I think I was just trying to look tough. I desire a man who loves that I am driven and wants be in a relationship, making a difference in the world together. It was silly of me to act like I couldn’t do that with a husband.”

And in terms of “flirtation station,” don’t try to be something you are not. Don’t force flirting, but don’t stop being kind because you fear you are going to lead some guy on. I used to do this. If I thought a guy liked me, even without him saying that he liked me, I would start being mean to him to get him to stop liking me.

I am so smart.

I remember my mother saying to me, “Joy, what are you doing? You are a Christian woman and you are called to be nice to everyone! Just because you think a guy likes you doesn’t mean he does, and unless he says something to you, you don’t have to marry him!”

So take a bit of advice from my mother. Be nice to everyone. Be consistent. Don’t worry about leading someone on if you know that you are just being YOU. The reality is that some people will like you and you may need to say yes to a date or have an awkward conversation letting a man know you are not interested. But that is far better than scaring off all men because they see how you treat some men.

I am hopeful for you.

Don’t try to downplay your strength or independence, but don’t downplay the desire of your heart either.

From my heart,

Joy

Questions:

(I really think this issue applies to both men and women.)

How do you balance the fears of looking too lonely or desperate with the extreme of coming off as too cocky or confident?

Why do you think we equate independence with strength?

Love and Respect NOW is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate. Copyright © 2012

Yes, even you creepers who always read and never comment. I want to hear from YOU.

Momma’s* watching.

Dale S. Kuehne’s book, Sex and the iWorld, (odd title I know, but it makes sense when you read the book) is an interesting proposal of how sex and culture could harmoniously and purely intersect in the future.  He presents his idea by first looking at sex and its role today in a postmodern society and what it was in the past traditional society, or as he calls it the “t”World.

One of the reasons he believes sexuality is misunderstood and misused is because of how our current culture has created an “i”World. This is one of individualism which diminishes what could be in his proposed “r”World.  The rWorld creates a broader view of healthy and nourishing social relationships where the most fulfilling context for sexuality and relational well-being can take place.

I have talked about how hyper-individualism and technology has created many “me-monsters” these days and was intrigued by this point in the book.

Comment and Question:

I believe one of the positive impacts of this shift to asking “who am I?” enabled people to think and be more introspective. But this perspective, along with increased consumerism has distorted how we view our happiness and our relationships. What do you think? What should we do?

How has the societal transition towards individualism had positive (introspection) and negative (“Me-Monsterville”) impact on the church, humanity, sexuality and how we relate to one another?

And how do you think the church we see in Bible times viewed themselves, humanity, sexuality and how they related to one another?

I realize there are many angles to take your thoughts and comments on so just pick your favorite! Annnnnd Go…

*Momma is a self imposed nickname.

And, you’re welcome:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVWHa5cpMZo

Love and Respect NOW is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate. Copyright © 2012

Hi, Joy,

I just got finished watching your “The One” series. I am currently in a relationship with an amazing man who loves the Lord and who loves me in good times and in bad. His love is so deep it’s almost crazy. I feel like I love him but not to the depth that he loves me. It makes me very anxious. I don’t want to marry someone I don’t love enough, but I also don’t want to lose this love. I’m on board some days but others I feel like I need to move away and start over. Any advice?

Cara

My Response:

Hi, Cara,

Thank you so much for writing and sharing your heart. I am so sorry for the agony you are feeling over this relationship.

As I am sure you know, I can’t tell you if you need to fight for it or move to Timbuktu and open a frozen banana stand, but I would begin by encouraging you to ask yourself a lot of questions:

1. Why do I think he loves me more?

2. Why did I get into this relationship initially?

3. Why do I care about him?

4. What do I fear about being with him?

5. What do I want in a marriage? What is God’s purpose for marriage?

6. Do I have wounds that are affecting how I conduct my relationships in general?

7. What fantasies have I created that might be contributing to dissatisfaction?

8. What do I envision “moving away and starting over” will do for me?

That last statement about moving away and starting over is a bit of a red flag for me. Most people would simply say, “Should we break up?” But your desire to move away and start over leads me to think that you might be drawn to the newness of beginnings and the idealism we can often hold with our imagination, which also relates to question number seven.

I could be completely off-base in my assessment, but it stood out to me, so I thought I should point it out for you to ponder. Based on the answers to your other questions, you might be able to get more in tune with that statement.

Take some time to ponder these questions, Cara, but not necessarily with your boyfriend, as oversharing your doubts may put him in a place of uneasiness.

I’m not saying you should hide your feelings, but, rather, sit on them for a while.

Maybe even go away for a weekend (not to Timbuktu) and be still. Turn off your distractions and really try to get in tune with where you have come from and your expectations for the future. Pray, read Scripture, and, when you get back, discuss any insights you have with people who know you and have wise insight into your relationship. Ask them to pray for you and with you. God will use this situation to help you grow and transform if you let the Spirit take part in your process—which brings peace even in the midst of uncertainty (Romans 5).

Don’t be afraid of the questions or the silence.

At the end of the day, you will make the choice—and that choice will then present itself with another list of questions.

Such is life.

We can either live it by ignoring the questions, or we can live it by asking and looking for answers. We may not always find the most concrete answers, but by asking, we grow.

From my heart,

Joy

Question:

What are your expectations of how you will feel about the person you are going to marry?

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