(Man, I wish I was about to tell you the interviewer was a dude!)

But alas, this is what happened when columnist Chelsea Batten, contacted me last-minute for an interview for the relationship section in Converge Magazine. We talked, we laughed, and we shared our hearts and theories on God and love. A week later, we were meeting at the Q conference in L.A.

And the rest is history. 

Chelsea and I at the Q Conference. Trying to be cool.

Oh, and here is Chelsea’s article. She is a fantastic writer and while my work is to help my generation of single, dating, and married. With the two of us being single, that’s the spin Chelsea ended up taking after our two hour convo…

Interview: Joy Eggerichs

By Chelsea Batten

_______

It’s said that brevity is the soul of wit. And after five volumes of Field Notes sourced exclusively from my own experience, I felt I owed it to everyone to pass the microphone to someone else.

But it was a good excuse to connect with the radiant Joy Eggerichs, who runs Love and Respect (Now). After years of helping out at marriage conferences taught by her pastor parents, Joy had heard countless couples utter the phrase “I wish I’d known this 20 years ago!” She decided to empower her generation with the same information taught at marriage conferences, tailored to help them in their single lives.

Joy has spent even more time than I have examining the foibles of opposite sex relationships; it was refreshing to hear her well-considered opinion, while silently admiring her music video-worthy hair.

Do singles our age know that they need this information? Or is it a hard sell?

I tell my dad, “I have a tougher job than you.” He’s coming from academia, plus 30 years of being a pastor. Whereas I’m just a girl who finds male-female relationships interesting.

My mom always says, “God didn’t make us husband and wife, he made us male and female.” I think learning to relate as male and female makes you a better person. There’s bad people out there, but for the most part, I think we just get mean to each other. We get impolite. You get comfortable with somebody in a relationship, and stop being polite; you just react out of your wounds.

Starting to think about how we are, as a male or a female, actually is going to benefit the person we date…

Read the rest of the interview at CONVERGE. 

______

]]> http://loveandrespectnow.com/2013/06/guest-post-converge-magazine/feed/ 1 http://loveandrespectnow.com/2013/06/my-birthday-and-stephs-half-birthday/ http://loveandrespectnow.com/2013/06/my-birthday-and-stephs-half-birthday/#comments Thu, 13 Jun 2013 08:00:05 +0000 Joy http://loveandrespectnow.com/?p=15903 Read more

When you meet Eric, you will find that half of what he says is thought-provoking and sincere. The other half is a joke. (He might argue with this percentage, but until he does…) Take this fact into consideration as you watch the impromptu video I shot with him when he visited Portland this winter.  We were also joined by my college friend and founder of These Numbers Have Faces, Justin Zoradi.

Justin and I had no idea what we were going to discuss with Eric but, just as I suspected, we got wisdom, stories, and comedy.

What I didn’t expect was all the singing he would do.

Pop some popcorn, get comfortable on your couch, and take in all that is Eric Metaxas.

(Can’t see this video? Watch it HERE on YouTube.)

P.S. A few years ago, I wrote a piece about Eric’s book on Bonhoeffer.  It’s a must read.

Questions

How does Eric’s story prompt you to think about your own experiences?

When was the last time you asked an “old person” questions about life and relationships?

Like my parents also say on this subject, “You’re not wrong–just different.”

So many of us get our panties in a bunch when we hear people make gender stereotypes. I get that—I definitely don’t fit into a lot of those female labels. Ultimately, however, it’s a detriment to our society when we completely ignore our differences. If we don’t seek to understand them, we will get caught in a cycle of frustration with members of the opposite sex—just because they don’t operate like we do.

Sure, there are personality differences. But sometimes there are simply biological differences that cause us to see the world differently—metaphorically and, as this article from the Smithsonian shows, literally.

If you’ve ever found yourself at a paint store with a member of the opposite sex trying to decide between, say, “laguna blue” and “blue macaw,” chances are you’ve disagreed over which hue is lighter or looks more turquoise.

Take comfort in the fact that the real blame lies with physiology: Neuroscientists have discovered that women are better at distinguishing among subtle distinctions in color, while men appear more sensitive to objects moving across their field of vision.

Scientists have long maintained that the sexes see colors differently. But much of the evidence has been indirect, such as the linguistic research showing that women possess a larger vocabulary than men for describing colors. Experimental evidence for the vision thing has been rare.

That’s why Israel Abramov, a psychologist and behavioral neuroscientist at CUNY’s Brooklyn College, gave a group of men and women a battery of visual tests…

Read the rest of the article HERE.

A lot of times when I hear an acknowledgement of differences, it comes from someone who has just been wounded.

“Ugh! Guys are always…” or “Dude! Girls are so….” 

So, the trick is this—how do we acknowledge and seek to understand differences in those around us without becoming insensitive or putting gender labels on all people? How do we point out our differences in a positive way?

This is your Formal Lunch challenge:

1. What strengths do the men/women in your life have that you don’t have?

2. Tell one person—man or woman—about a strength you see in them and why you admire them for possessing that trait.

3. Take note of their response and report back to me.  Was their reaction positive or negative?  How did saying something affect you?

Some of you may think highlighting our differences divides us as men and women; but I believe it’s our negativity that has divided us.

Personal acknowledgment of differences (even if they don’t apply to all) will actually unify us and make us stronger.

I’m thankful for differences. Are you?

From my heart,

Joy

P.S. For other Formal Lunch challenges, click HERE.

And you will see, as I saw, there is a reason why. The below video is from the first time I heard Propaganda perform. His words and the theme of Catalyst were something that have stuck with me for a while now.

Recently, I hung out with someone who left their phone in the car the whole day. I noticed. And it changed the tone of our time together. If you’re married, or not married, Propaganda’s words should make an impact on you.

I’m honored to have him as a guest on my site and for him to share the “lightbulb moment” behind writing this piece.

Photo Credit: Humble Beast Records

Be Present

By: Propaganda

________

(Can’t see the video? Access on YouTube HERE.)

________

So as the story goes, my wife and I had just got married. And by just, I mean we still lived in different apartments because our leases weren’t up yet. I had very little experiment with putting another persons needs over my own, my wife, being a single mom had a little more than me, however her daughter was 3 at the time so it wasn’t exactly the same. 

My wife flew up to Portland, were I was currently living to hang out with me. That night she had a dream that when she woke up another lady was in the house with us. For some strange reason she freaked out at this thought. When she asked WHOS THAT? I responded that’s my black wife and I don’t understand what the problem is.

It’s important to note at this particular point in the story that this is her dream version of me and I would never do anything like this.

When she finally woke up from this dream, She was mysteriously upset with me since I didn’t know what went on in her head I had no idea why she was so angry. She proceeded to tell me about the dream and we both got a good giggle out it. 

Later on that day, we decided to explore the city. As I was looking at my phone to figure out where we were going, I did not realize that she was attempting to communicate with me. Apparently I was responding to her with “yes”, “uhuh”, and “okay” as she was talking.

She noticed I really wasn’t paying attention, quickly remembered her dream, and referred to my phone as the black wife from her dream.

We both got another good laugh, but mine was a little more of a nervous laugh as I realized that this may be a sign of what my future struggle is going to be in our marriage. 

Out of that came the poem: “Be Present.”  I wish I could say this was a once needed lesson that I don’t still struggle with, but unfortunately that’s not the case.

________

Questions

Do you struggle with “being present”? How has it affected your relationships?

________________________________

[MC, Rapper, Poet, Speaker]. Dynamic, soulful, experimental, and clever, all focused on the heart of a person.  With an uncompromising message intertwined with hot rhythms and beats, Los Angeles based, Propaganda lyrically puts together potent & prophetic music that reaches across the spectrum our culture.

Follow Propaganda on Twitter HERE. Follow Propaganda on Facebook HERE. Check out Propaganda’s Instagram HERE. Watch Propaganda’s Youtube channel HERE.

Download Propaganda’s records for free HERE.

How do I deal with the anger I’m feeling over a broken heart? My last relationship ended after I took a stand against some things I felt convicted about. But, now I just feel like such a fool.  I’ve already built up some major walls against men in general and the poor guy I date next is going to have to scale them all. If my previous relationships are any indication of what marriage is going to be like, I want nothing to do with it. Help!

~Melissa

My Response

Hi Melissa,

Wow, your question breaks my heart and hits pretty close to home for me—which is probably why I have a lot to say.  You’ll need to watch the video to get my full answer but here are a few major points:

• You aren’t alone and why I believe that
• The brain can retrain itself—and what you need to do
• What I learned in improv class.
• Cold sores and horticulture
• The person who hurt you isn’t ALL people.
• There is hope.

…and more.

(Can’t see the video?  Access on You Tube here.)

From my heart,

Joy

Questions

How do the relationships in your past–whether your own or your parents’–affect the way you view marriage now or in the future?

What choices can you make today that will help you begin to think differently about the people who have hurt you?

Recently, a few of us were eating at my favorite food cart and we noticed a small, mystery novel bookstore across the street called Murder by Books. We wondered how places like that stayed in business and had fun making up personality profiles for their clientele.

Last week, I was back at the food cart (since I practically own stock in the place) and noticed the bookstore had closed. I sent Mike a photo and he texted back,

“When things like that happen, I feel responsible.”

As he should.

This accurately depicts my friend, Michael Giancarlo Pacchione. Enjoy a further glimpse into his mind.

Photo Credit: Branden Harvey

When the Clock Runs Out

By: Mike Pacchione

________

One of my first memories is me telling my mom I could live forever. All I had to do, I told her, was not get shot by a robber or die in a fire. I can’t imagine how troubling it must have been for her to tell me the truth. Since I wasn’t raised in a Christian home, the truth didn’t involve a lesson about Heaven or Jesus. Life ended when the clock ran out.

From that point on, I heard a steady tick tock in my head, the sound of me moving closer to death.  Late at night: tick tock. Accidentally swallowing shampoo: tick tock. And especially on airplanes: tick tock.

I lived that way for 23 years—through high school, through college, though traveling abroad. I met people from all over the world, from different nationalities and different belief systems. At times all of these belief systems made sense.

But there was something that stood out about Jesus.

One night at my parents’ house, a year out of college, I decided to find out what that something was.

I wrote down everything I knew about human nature—about selfishness and insecurity and about being wrought with perfection, about being obsessed with perfection. People were either obsessed with being perfect or were obsessed with showing how others were imperfect.

Then I wrote down everything I knew about Jesus. I wrote down things Christian friends had told me, people I knew and loved. I wrote down things I’d been told by strangers on the street.

I thought of athletes who had thanked Jesus after a big win. I thought of a free Life of Jesus comic book I’d stumbled upon as a little kid, and I thought of the story it told. I thought about how everything about Christ pointed to perfection and love.

Somewhere in there, I had my lightbulb moment: when people obsessed about perfection, they actually obsessed about Jesus.

I started to believe in Him. Late at night, sitting at my childhood home outside of Philadelphia, Jesus made logical sense.

But there was one problem: I didn’t know what to do next. Was I a Christian now? Did I have to say a specific prayer? I decided I would figure all of that out in the morning.

Then morning came. I’d made a rational argument for Jesus the night before, but this day started the same as any other: I woke up and slumped across the hall to turn on the TV.

There was one major difference, though: when I turned on the TV this time, I saw planes crashing into the World Trade Center – the same World Trade Center, where I had friends working, two hours north of where I lived. Two hours south, a plane hit The Pentagon. In my mind, Philadelphia had a big target on it right in the middle. The world was ending.

Tick, tock.

I’d spent much of my life hearing that tick-tock, wondering when my world was going to end. Is it going to happen now? What about now? Suddenly now was now.

I kept waiting for some slow-motion movie type moment when all the world made sense and I heard Christ declare me fit to be saved. If anything I felt the opposite: I wasn’t fit to be saved.

Then the lightbulb moment: I realized I was fit to die.

I’d always heard these stories about how, when you become a Christian, you can feel all the sin draining away as the Holy Spirit envelopes you in love. I felt none of that. I just heard a clock ticking.

I set the timer on my TV and tuned in to the Worship Channel. Even before I was a Christian, nothing soothed me more than falling asleep the late night public access of water rolling over rocks or similar tranquility. On this night, they had replaced scenes of nature with the American flag.

I’m about the least patriotic person in the world, but for whatever reason that’s what did it for me. I fell asleep that night with a small part of me scared I would never wake up. Thankfully there was also a larger part of me knowing if this were my last night on earth, I was probably saved.

Tick tock

The clock stopped. In a good way.

________

Question

Was there a moment in your life that changed the way you viewed Christianity? A moment that made the clock stop ticking?

___________________________________

Contrary to popular belief, you can have a dramatic Italian name like Michael Giancarlo Pacchione and not be in the mafia. True story.

A devout comic book reader growing up, Mike now helps speakers incorporate story into their presentations. Yes, that’s a real job. If you ask nicely he will also help you get rid of your ums.

]]> http://loveandrespectnow.com/2013/05/illumination-guest-mike-pacchione-when-the-clock-runs-out/feed/ 3 http://loveandrespectnow.com/2013/05/ask-joy-i-refuse/ http://loveandrespectnow.com/2013/05/ask-joy-i-refuse/#comments Thu, 16 May 2013 08:00:07 +0000 Joy http://loveandrespectnow.com/?p=15363 Read more

Question

Hey, Joy!

I just finished reading “Love & Respect”—I am a single woman who has been broken up from a significant other for a year. We were talking of marriage before the break up. In the relationship, I thought he was being a little too sensitive the times when he’d ask me to sit with him and watch a movie that I had absolutely no interest in watching, so I would refuse, or when he would want me to sit in his kitchen with him and watch him cook, though I preferred to watch television instead. Sometimes I gave in, but other times, when I refused, he would get quiet on me and not talk to me. The only thing I could think was that the man was crazy. Then there were times he’d get mad at me for something I said. It would puzzle me that he got so upset, when I didn’t even mean anything hurtful by what I said. I now realize that without knowledge of what I was doing, I had disrespected him. 

I never stopped loving him, and would like to have a second chance with him. So, I decided to tell my ex how much I respect him (not only because it is true, but because I wanted to put the respect principle to the test). I think I knew in my heart it would work, but I was not prepared for how well it would work. His eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. A big smile spread across his face, then he thanked me and gave me a hug. Knowing that a big need is for respect, could the love and respect principles (if not all, then some) work on restoring my relationship with my ex? 

—Brittany

Photo Credit: Lauren Dubinsky

My Response

Hey Brittany,

Great story! I think our word choices and actions are so influential when communicating with the men in our life. It was cool for me to be reminded of how easily we can misjudge someone else’s sensitivity as childish or off-the-wall just because it isn’t our own area of sensitivity.

While Love and Respect will give you principles that help you have a deeper understanding of yourself and the person you are in relationship with, it isn’t a formula. You will need to start paying attention to those times when he “goes quiet” or, as my father says, when you “notice his spirit deflate.” It’s in this space you can learn to seek understanding of where the other person is coming from instead of becoming defensive.

Many fights are due to misinterpreting the other person’s verbal or non-verbal cues—signals that they often didn’t intend.

And as far as learning how to understand his desire for your admiration and respect, it’s sometimes easier to focus on how you can be aware of what feels like disrespect to him.  In the same way he probably unintentionally hurts you, you probably aren’t aware of the things that are like a little knife in the heart to him.  The word “refuse” came up a couple times in your email, specifically about things that, in marriage, you DEFINITELY want to find compromise.

Most men place “friendship” as a very high priority in what they want their wife to be in relationship to them.  As my father talks about in his book and Dr. Deborah Tannen points out in her research, men are often energized by shoulder-to-shoulder activities. So the fact that you “refuse” to watch the movies he likes and “refuse” to sit with him while he cooks could communicate that you have no interest in being his buddy.

And if I were a man (just for clarification, I’m not), that would make me shut down.

If sitting in the kitchen hanging out with your boyfriend while he cooks is less appealing to you than watching TV on your own…then it’s odd to me how you could be in love with the guy.

When I’m in love, I’m content just watching him braid his beard.

So before you invest anymore into this relationship, or try to win him back by using this “respect formula” that seems to be working for you, make sure you aren’t just “in love” with this guy because he does all the things you want to do. If that’s the case, you aren’t becoming one in a future marriage, you’re signing up to be in charge.

I hope (for both of your sakes) he “refuses” that set up.

From my heart,

Joy

P.S. You might also find it helpful to watch the Respect State of the Union series I did a few years ago. In it, I answered a number of questions on the topic of respect and had a group of single and married men chime in with their thoughts. It might help you figure out what does and doesn’t “work.”

Questions

Men, do you prioritize friendship in your significant relationships? Would you feel disrespected if your girlfriend/wife always “refused” to do what you were doing?

How can we find compromise and balance in our relationships?

]]>

I have the honor of co-hosting the Epoch 2013 awards with my friend Jeff Shinabarger. The awards will honor the heroes you know but the world doesn’t. Have a friend who you want recognized? A friend who’s work could benefit from the $50K that’s being given away?

Let me know today!

(Can’t see the video? Access on YouTube HERE.)

Learn more about Epoch 2013 HERE. Nominate your unsung hero for Epoch 2013 HERE. Nominations are open until May 30.

From my heart,

Joy

I had a fight with my husband tonight and I’m at a total loss for knowing what to do now.  Essentially, what happened was this…He’s much better with computers than I am so I asked him for help with an issue I was having with ours.  After giving me his advice, I asked him if he was sure and then continued with more clarifying questions.  He got really annoyed and shot back, “It’s simple enough for a 3rd grader to do.”  So, then I shot back with some remarks, including a parallel to the way his father is–which didn’t go over so well.  In the end, he said, “You’re always right.  I’m always wrong,” and then he just shut down.   This always happens when we argue.  So, what do I do?

My Response

(Can’t see the video? Access on YouTube HERE.)

From my heart,

Joy

Questions

Have you or someone you know ever been caught in the crazy cycle of conflict?  What are some of the common triggers you’ve seen or experienced?

When you have been the one wronged, how could your approach during moments of conflict help to bring resolve to the situation or the relationship?