I have been absent the last few weeks due to weddings, moving both my apartment and office and then driving to Montana for a week. I am currently sitting, looking out over Whitefish Lake and sad to be leaving shortly.

If you ever get a chance to come out here, a word of caution:

Don’t go for a run and then start replaying the last scene of Legends of the Fall in your head. Every stump I saw was a bear. I kept getting visions of leaving this world in a Brad Pitt-esque wrestling match.

Classy.

The only other way I could have ended it these past few weeks was while shopping at Ikea. If that place doesn’t make you want to breathe heavily into a paper bag, I don’t know what would. The rat-race type arrowed paths and perfectly arranged room decorations make you feel like you are part of laboratory testing. I kept glancing up waiting to see a giant Bunsen burner in my peripheral.

Often when our existence is crammed with tedious errands and details of moving and transition, there is little time to stop and contemplate areas of our life that need improvement.

However, when you need LOTS of improvement like I do, you don’t necessarily need a meditative corner for your issues to come to the surface. They are loud and clear.

Recent loud and clear messages: First of all, I think stress can bring out my most attractive* qualities. Secondly, a situation that I thought I had dealt with from my past, resurfaced last week. The issue was too large to deal with alone, so I went to wise people in my life for further healing and advice. This specific situation has greatly impacted my life and so it often times rears its head and I have to face the reality of how it has scarred me. I long to hear what the Lord might be saying to me about my attitude and response.

The issue was big. Obvious. And has forever changed who I am.

For me, the big things are no brainers: My Mom getting cancer, unfathomable heartbreak, friends having miscarriages, unfair death, and on and on. We get angry, we mourn, we support one another and pray for strength. All of these things are long-term issues that change someone forever.

However, it’s the small issues I tend to glaze over.

It’s the small things in the bustle of life that I chalk up to stress and neglect working at.

For example…

1. I think I almost hammer-punched an Ikea employee in the face. (ask my mother, she was a witness)

2. I contemplated drop-kicking the movers who chose to scratch my dresser and bookshelf.

3. I have a strong urge to send anthrax to Comcast. (Seriously, they are like a communist regime, controlling the market and doing as they please.)

The thing that always catches me off guard is that when I have been talking** with people like Comcast on the phone, I get to a breaking point and then they stop and say…

“What is your email address?”

I put my tail between my legs and say, uhh… joy@loveandrespect.com. Immediately I know I am representing my place of employment, not to mention having an email address that sounds like a “fruits of the spirit” listing.

Talk about accountability.

Then I always start thinking, what if I didn’t have that email address? What if they didn’t know I was a Christian?

My specific area of weakness when stress and frustration flows is dehumanizing people simply because they don’t do things the way I want them done. That’s awful. I can let it slide because I tell myself they offended me, or they were unfair or I don’t even think about what I am saying because I can’t see them on the other end of the phone.

Do we love God enough to honor him in our reactions to the small things as well as the big things? I sure hope so, especially if there are others who struggle with what I struggle with…at least for civilities sake…

For now, all visions of hammer punching will have to simply stay in my dreams. Boo.

*heinous

**yelling, crying, slamming head on desk, reaching for asthma inhaler. (I don’t have asthma, but should I get asthma at any point in my life, I blame Com-cast-unist.)