Being the daughter of, and working for the man who wrote a book on marriage titled, “Love and Respect,” has made it impossible to ignore the word respect and what it means to me. I will admit, Ephesians 5:33 is not a passage many of us women jump for joy when reading.
“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Eph. 5:33
I have had to ask myself this question and would like to pose it to you…
Is respect only earned or should it be given unconditionally?
For myself, when I first looked at society as a whole, I thought that I should live life in a way that earns people’s respect. I am only responsible for me, right? And as a Christian, I should probably show humanity unconditional respect even if I don’t respect or agree with their behavior.
From my view of Jesus in scripture, that seems to be the way he operated with people on earth.
Looking at marriage (as a single person) I thought through my idea of what unconditional love and respect would look like. Personally, I want both. So, are love and respect different? I think this can be the hardest question I get from people. It’s hard to define because love and respect will play out differently depending on the person.
Some people believe that men and women are exactly the same. If this is what you believe, then deciding that God could give us different instructions based on our sex would be irrelevant to you. You will disagree with me, and that’s ok.
My conclusions are based on what I have read and observed. Those experiences, as well as research on the male and female brain gives me confidence to state: we are different. What people can wrongly assume is when we say someone is different; we are stating that they are lesser in value.
This is wrong.
My mother and I both know we desire respect, but my mother voices the desire because she feels so assured of my father’s love. If I am honest with myself, I know I expect respect, but I don’t dream about it the way I dream about being loved. But, since I know I want both, why wouldn’t scripture say, “Husbands and wives, unconditionally love and respect one another?”
My dad has said, “We all need love and respect equally. However, as years pass in marriage, (especially in conflict) felt needs differ. For example, most husbands are assured of their wives’ love but wonder if their wives really like and respect who they are as a human being.”
He points out this difference can be due to wives loving more naturally (generally speaking) than husbands. This explains why God does not command a wife to agape-love her husband. Only a husband is instructed to agape (unconditional) love. God instructs wives to respect in a way He does not instruct husbands. This may mean it’s not as natural for women to unconditionally respect. My dad says men live by an honor code, so respect can be easier for them (again, generally speaking).
Understandably, I sense resistance to the instruction of unconditional respect because we have seen cases of abuse. We can think of the women who stay in relationships with men who yell, “Respect me woman!” But again, as I have learned from my father, we are never to respect evil behavior, but we have the power to respectfully confront evil behavior. The Biblical instruction becomes a gift and a tool that is full of power. Showing contempt for someone will never work.
Would anger and contempt motivate you to change?
Abuse aside, most of us are dealing with men who naturally are flawed (so are we) but are not evil men. So then, what are we called to do? Should respect in marriage be earned? Is that what Ephesians 5:33 means? If my future husband says his love has to be earned, I will feel like our partnership is performance based. I will live feeling like I can never good enough.
That’s no fun.
I realize that regardless of what society says, I will trust (even when it doesn’t make sense) this instruction’s ability to strengthen and create freedom in my future marriage. It might not be easy or natural, but like I said earlier, I am only responsible for me. This is about how I come across, not about my husband being perfectly respectable. I hope his demeanor is loving, instead of demanding that I appear perfectly lovable.
It finally clicked for me when I read the results of our ministry’s research over the last year. We asked around 7,000 people if in conflict they feel more unloved or disrespected?
83% of men said they felt more disrespected.
72% of women said they felt more unloved.
Equal but different.
Therefore, my conclusion can only be to trust the likelihood that he called me to be obedient in a different way. And that’s ok.
Do you agree? Is respect only earned or should it be given unconditionally?
Has anyone seeing the positive effects of being obedient even when it doesn’t feel natural to our character?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
Ohhh that sounds very interesting and fun! I will email you for more info. Thanks for thinking of me.
in case you don’t see my comment over on your guest post:
joy, this is such a hard one for me. in the midst of my husband’s affair, he demanded my respect. but he did not deserve it. i get that love/respect is not to be earned or the relationship becomes performance-based. i just don’t know how to respond in respect to a man who is being blatantly hurtful and unfaithful. i feel like there’s a whole lot brewing under the surface of my heart that i can’t seem to find words for right now. someday, i’d love to have a long convo with you about all of this…
I am so glad you wrote. I have not been in your situation so please take my comments with a grain of salt. The way I can empathize with you is this: I was in a relationship that was very difficult. The guy knew I desired to show unconditional respect and so he would often say or write to me that I was “being disrespectful.” Don’t get me wrong, there were times I definitely was disrespectful, but finally it got to a point where he was labeling things as disrespect that I didn’t feel like were disrespect. So I asked my dad, “Is this disrespect? Or is this?” And my father said, “no.” I realized then that people can manipulate scripture and people for their own advantage and that is wrong. I know from scripture that as a wife, I will be called to show respect. No one deserves it. Your husband did not deserve it. But what is respect? Does it mean staying in a relationship with a husband who is abusive? Does it mean telling him you respect that he had an affair? ABSOLUTELY NOT. You had biblical grounds for leaving. As far as I know he was the one who did not want to reconcile the relationship and he is the one that made the decisions. Only you know if you were respectful in how you exited. And that is all I am saying we are responsible for…is ourselves and our behaviors. Hopefully I behavior, not matter what the circumstances would be pleasing to God.
Respect does not mean condoning evil behavior. It is an attitude and a response in the midst of doing what you know to be right. As I believe I mentioned in the blog, the alternative is “contempt.”
My fathers gives the example from the other point of view:
If a person says, “I cannot love unconditionally” are they saying they must show hostility? Are they saying that they have a right to be a hostile and bitter person? Bottom line, this isn’t about the other person. This is about me. That’s why God commands the husband to show love. He does not command the wife in Ephesians 5:33 to be lovable. God commands the wife to show respect. He does not command the husband in Ephesians 5:33 to be respectable. Again, this is about God and me, not about God and my spouse.
I hope that makes sense and encourages you. We have only met briefly, but I feel like I know you and my heart wants to help your heart. Love~
i so appreciate your response, joy. and your heart for mine. thank you.
i feel like this is such a tender subject for me, in a way i hadn’t quite realized. my husband literally through your dad’s book at me in the midst of me calling him out on his affair (while still denying it). yep, he purchased me a copy of the book and told me to read it so i could learn to respect him the way i’m supposed to. i appreciated what you said about things being labeled as “disrespect” as a means of manipulation and control. i know that’s what was going on in all that.
i have tried to remain honoring of my husband through the divorce process, in my dealings with Thrive supporters, and in how i share my story. i think the part i feel very unsure about is how i should’ve shown true respect during the 18 months he denied his affair, as our relationship disintegrated out from under me. i know i can’t change the past, i just remember wrestling so much with how to handle myself in a Godly way in the midst of such devastating hurt. i know i didn’t do things as well as i should’ve/could’ve, but i’m not sure i know what the “should’ve” looks like.
i think i’m rambling at this point. like i said… i feel like there’s a long convo in here somewhere. someday.
Yes, I would love to chat in a non-public forum. My heart is with you. I can’t believe you even wanted to be friends with me on the heels of what I am sure you assume my fathers message to be from the book throwing ordeal!!
Thank you for giving me a chance as your friend. If there is anything redeeming I can say it is that my father’s heart is to help good willed people be obedient to Christ as individuals first and foremost. We can not control the sin and ill behavior of others. I know my father would want to give you a hug and sorrow through all you have endured.
I am praying for your healing my friend and I look forward to talking more.
know that there’s definitely no ill-will toward your parents at all. i think their ministry (and their message) is incredible.
i’m thankful for this new friendship of ours. truly.
Respect is when you face something that may be uncomfortable for you because its the right thing to do. Respect is when you listen. Respect is something that is necessary for all of us. -X
respect cannot be earned & heres why. Everyone has different opinions of what another has to do to earn respect. Who are you or anyone else to determine what those particular guidelines are. The point is those guidelines are all based on opinion. What if someone makes a strong attempt to work on those flaws but you won’t help them. First, that makes you a hippocite. secondly, who are you to set those guidelines?
I’ve been married over 20 years to a wonderful man. We both have grown a lot because of being married to one another and raising our five children.
Emphatically, no, love and respect cannot be separated in marriage. You cannot love a spouse that you don’t also respect. If you don’t respect your spouse, you’re only staying together in hopes of restoring the marriage. You don’t actually love them with a marital love.
And the number of wives I’ve interacted with who are on the last straw of their husband’s disrespectful behavior … It really goes both ways. Needing respect is not defined by gender. At all.
Ultimately, marriage is not about getting your needs met which is why the whole premise is flawed.
Jenny thinks...
Girl you have never guest blogged before? Oh my dear, we must remedy that immediately! Two friends of mine are going to do a “He Said/She Said” two day post… want to do the wrap up analysis from a Love and Respect perspective? I know you love that my dear 🙂 Tell me if you are in 🙂 I’ll make it happen at the Rain 🙂
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