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11

Ask Joy: Should I Dance?

So no, this is not an Ask Joy where I address the likelihood of a girl getting pregnant from square dancing.  Although it’s been known to happen…

This question is fantastic, because while the topic appears to be “dancing,” the deeper issue is trust.  A real and painful struggle for so many couples. I would like to make a random side note and confess that I have been watching 90210 (the old stuff). I wasn’t allowed to watch growing up so that’s my justification.  I also watch for the fashion tips.

I can see why the show was like crack to so many, and yet so much of it is highly disturbing. Not only do I see how that show influenced this generation’s social thinking and fashion style but it also was the catalyst to many of our “trust” issues. So, now that I found a way to incorporate 90210 into today’s video blog on trust…

…please enjoy…

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11 Comments

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    • reneamac thinks...

      I really appreciated this, Joy. Thank you.

      Reply| at |

    • Val thinks...

      Not gonna lie; watched this one with the hopes that there would be
      more footage of you and Erin dancing at the end of the video.

      Here are some of my personal reflections on this one, with the
      disclaimer that I’m not a marriage counselor or an authority in
      communication:

      I think trust is both a pre-requisite and something you work HARD at
      in a relationship. Seems like the asker might benefit from asking
      herself, “Which is more important to me at this moment? My right to
      dance or my relationship with my fiance?” Though it doesn’t have to
      be an either/or question (and maybe that’s a bad way of formulating
      this conflict, though I don’t think so), she might find that, for the
      sake of her relationship w/ Mr. Right, giving up dancing *temporarily*
      in order to create space for her/him to come to a better understanding
      of one another in this issue could be useful. If it’s a loving
      relationship, her empathetic engagement with his perspective and his
      of hers may lead to deeper levels of love and trust.

      I think she could give up dancing without merely “complying” in this
      situation (by “compliance” I mean, saying “yes” with her mouth but not
      with her heart). She could say, “I don’t agree with your
      interpretation of what’s going on in this situation, but because this
      is causing you to struggle, for the time being I won’t dance, with the
      understanding that you will make a serious effort to understand my
      perspective, consider my feelings, and trust me.” I couldn’t guarantee
      what the results would be, but in my experience with a similar issue,
      greater understanding and trust could be built as a result of her
      laying down her rights, along with a more nuanced ability to wisely
      discern what’s best. (In my experience, I laid down certain rights I
      had for a period of time in order to let my fiance think through a
      specific issue. Because of my honesty with him, I was able to do so
      without resentment. In the end, he came around to my perspective as
      the result of some serious hard work. If I hadn’t laid down those
      rights, though, I don’t think he would’ve been able to find the space
      to think through these things. The issue would’ve remained emotionally
      charged).

      Of course, she might decide all of that is way too much work and that
      he wouldn’t make a serious effort to trust her, in which case, maybe
      it’s best to let the relationship go a different direction than
      marriage. And I’m not sure if what I did would work exactly the same
      with her, especially since she and her fiance met while dancing. In my
      situation, the activity that I was engaged in was pretty foreign to my
      fiance.

      I wish all relationships were perfectly trusting and perfectly
      reasonable, but in my experience trust and trustworthiness is
      something you assume and practice in marriage. Even if they don’t come
      out before the wedding day, most of us have prejudices and suspicions
      that take lots of time to deconstruct. Both partners have to be
      patient and hopeful, submitting to each other out of love and
      challenging each other toward greater wisdom.

      -Val

      Reply| at |

    • Joy thinks...

      Val – Incredible insight and wisdom. An additional point that I hope the question asker takes into account. Thanks for sharing your experience.

      Also, sorry to disappoint you with no dancing. However, Erin comes to visit in October. Hopefully my C-walking will be perfected by that time.

      Reply| at |

    • reneamac thinks...

      Good stuff, Val.
      xoxo

      Also looking forward to more tag-team answers to email from Joy and Erin. 😀

      Reply| at |

    • alece thinks...

      you are so articulate, joy.

      at times i see myself responding in friendships with similar fears (as the fiancee) that are all rooted in lack of trust. i need to deal with this. big time.

      Reply| at |

      • Joy thinks...

        thank you! I hope you read my friend Val’s response. She is even more articulate than I am and her words are so wise. (p.s. Give yourself some grace on your way to dealing with trust. It will come. (-:)

        Reply| at |

    • alece thinks...

      oh yeah… i forgot to add my sidebar thoughts. i know how much you’ll miss them so i figured i’d just comment again.

      i’ve wondered for a long time why someone hasn’t invented something like the walk ‘n work… so i’m glad to see that your dad and brother took care of that for me.

      and i wasn’t allowed to watch 90210 either.

      Reply| at |

      • Joy thinks...

        p.s. Do you want seasons 1-4? We could do a DVD swap. (-:

        Reply| at |

    • alece thinks...

      i honestly feel okay about missing out on this one… but i wouldn’t be opposed to a different DVD swap! 😉

      Reply| at |

    • Amelia thinks...

      Saw a link to this at the bottom of another post…

      I was particularly interested to see what you had to say about this subject because I am a dancer. I’ve been socially lindy hopping (and other forms of swing dance) for the past 6 years or so, and it’s been how I have met most of my friends–including my boyfriend. Fortunately for us, we don’t have any problems pertaining to the dance/don’t dance as the questioner did, because we both do it (now) for the love of the dance. Though he did start out doing it to meet girls. Now he’s a dance instructor, and we both understand that the whole aspect of our dance culture is a way to be social with other people, so dancing with other men and women is our way of saying, “hey, let’s be friends!”

      I found the insight into the trust issue very interesting, however, because I have known several couples who struggled with the dancing-with-others bit. I wish I could have shown them this video, but the underlying issues have broken them up. Next time I see it crop up, though, I’m sending them to you!

      Reply| at |

      • JOY thinks...

        Please do!! Thanks for your comment and insight on this topic. Maybe you could teach me to dance. (-:

        Reply| at |

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