Val thinks...

Not gonna lie; watched this one with the hopes that there would be
more footage of you and Erin dancing at the end of the video.

Here are some of my personal reflections on this one, with the
disclaimer that I’m not a marriage counselor or an authority in
communication:

I think trust is both a pre-requisite and something you work HARD at
in a relationship. Seems like the asker might benefit from asking
herself, “Which is more important to me at this moment? My right to
dance or my relationship with my fiance?” Though it doesn’t have to
be an either/or question (and maybe that’s a bad way of formulating
this conflict, though I don’t think so), she might find that, for the
sake of her relationship w/ Mr. Right, giving up dancing *temporarily*
in order to create space for her/him to come to a better understanding
of one another in this issue could be useful. If it’s a loving
relationship, her empathetic engagement with his perspective and his
of hers may lead to deeper levels of love and trust.

I think she could give up dancing without merely “complying” in this
situation (by “compliance” I mean, saying “yes” with her mouth but not
with her heart). She could say, “I don’t agree with your
interpretation of what’s going on in this situation, but because this
is causing you to struggle, for the time being I won’t dance, with the
understanding that you will make a serious effort to understand my
perspective, consider my feelings, and trust me.” I couldn’t guarantee
what the results would be, but in my experience with a similar issue,
greater understanding and trust could be built as a result of her
laying down her rights, along with a more nuanced ability to wisely
discern what’s best. (In my experience, I laid down certain rights I
had for a period of time in order to let my fiance think through a
specific issue. Because of my honesty with him, I was able to do so
without resentment. In the end, he came around to my perspective as
the result of some serious hard work. If I hadn’t laid down those
rights, though, I don’t think he would’ve been able to find the space
to think through these things. The issue would’ve remained emotionally
charged).

Of course, she might decide all of that is way too much work and that
he wouldn’t make a serious effort to trust her, in which case, maybe
it’s best to let the relationship go a different direction than
marriage. And I’m not sure if what I did would work exactly the same
with her, especially since she and her fiance met while dancing. In my
situation, the activity that I was engaged in was pretty foreign to my
fiance.

I wish all relationships were perfectly trusting and perfectly
reasonable, but in my experience trust and trustworthiness is
something you assume and practice in marriage. Even if they don’t come
out before the wedding day, most of us have prejudices and suspicions
that take lots of time to deconstruct. Both partners have to be
patient and hopeful, submitting to each other out of love and
challenging each other toward greater wisdom.

-Val

Reply| at |

reneamac thinks...

Good stuff, Val.
xoxo

Also looking forward to more tag-team answers to email from Joy and Erin. 😀

Reply| at |

Amelia thinks...

Saw a link to this at the bottom of another post…

I was particularly interested to see what you had to say about this subject because I am a dancer. I’ve been socially lindy hopping (and other forms of swing dance) for the past 6 years or so, and it’s been how I have met most of my friends–including my boyfriend. Fortunately for us, we don’t have any problems pertaining to the dance/don’t dance as the questioner did, because we both do it (now) for the love of the dance. Though he did start out doing it to meet girls. Now he’s a dance instructor, and we both understand that the whole aspect of our dance culture is a way to be social with other people, so dancing with other men and women is our way of saying, “hey, let’s be friends!”

I found the insight into the trust issue very interesting, however, because I have known several couples who struggled with the dancing-with-others bit. I wish I could have shown them this video, but the underlying issues have broken them up. Next time I see it crop up, though, I’m sending them to you!

Reply| at |