My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years, and every single day, he and I argue. And we’re not even married yet. It’s now to the point where I don’t feel attracted to him anymore from all the arguing and I want to end the relationship. However, he still wants to work it out and believes we can make it through this. What should we do?
I first want to point out a comment that you and many of us have made:
“…every single day, he and I argue. And we’re not even married yet…”
If those are the types of comments we make (and I have been guilty of it…) then what is our perception of marriage?
Let me know what you think.
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But on to your great question…
First, I think you both should pray about it together. One of you wants to stay in relationship and the other doesn’t…pray for wisdom and clarity as to “why” there is such a differing of opinions and what suddenly changed after three years. This can be a refining, growing experience for you.
Second, I have a list of questions for you to ask yourself:
1) What type of arguing is it? Petty arguments or malicious fights?
2) Do you find yourself starting arguments?
3) Is it possible that you are sub-consciously sabotaging the relationship because you want out of it?
“Woah Joy, that’s harsh.”
Listen, I don’t think anyone would consciously say, “I am going to fight with my boyfriend all the time so he will break up with me.” I’m simply pondering the possibility. If one person wants out of the relationship but can’t articulate why, then by having daily petty fights, the couple never has to deal with the real issues. This allows them to say to friends, “We broke up because we just fought all the time.”
Trust me, I am not trying to make you question the conflicts or stay in a relationship with the wrong person, rather I want you to look at the big picture, or possibly the bigger problem. I can’t tell you what you should do, but the thing I want you to remember in this relationship, your next relationship, marriage or singleness is this:
Arguments will happen.
Conflict is healthy, natural and normal, to a certain degree. If you were attracted to him at one point and the arguments are only petty, do you think if you learned to work through your arguments…attraction could re-grow?
As I always do, I would recommend meeting with a godly married couple and maybe even reading my father’s book called The Language of Love and Respect. I don’t like to “push product” but the book really gives great practical application for how to work through arguments with healthy and Biblical communication techniques.
I can’t say if this guy is a good match for you, but whoever you are with, there will be arguments…and to some degree, that’s ok. We can have trouble in relationships and not be sinning. It can be refining and growing. When we are distracted from serving the Kingdom is when it becomes the problem. (1 Corinthians 7)
I commend you for coming to my site and asking your question. That is seeking counsel and is very mature. The Lord will help you and lead you as you ask for wisdom. Keep it up!
From My Heart,
Joy
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
Donella – Thanks for your perspective and insight. Well said. And you should have said hi to me!! I really hope you weren’t the woman whose purse I trampled on when I forced my way to the front for the last song. I said sorry, but I don’t think she was thrilled my boots may have shattered all of her worldly purse belongings.
oops. Concert was great, it was my 5th time seeing them…so your concern of being a stalker?? Not a problem on my end. (-:
Ooooooh my 5th time as well! And I saw your boots, I said “hey that’s Joy, her parents wrote Love and Respect”. To my BF, he didn’t see you until pointed out your green cowboy boots. Then he spotted you immediately. (he really like boots.) You didn’t trample me, I was in the very front between Bo and Bear. And what was up with Bo’s mustache? Just saying……. Toby told us that Needtobreathe is planning on having “Secret Show’s” next year where they tell you the night before or the day of. Keep your eyes peeled for it. Should be awesome. Maybe I will see you at their next concert, and I promise to say hi! 🙂
Great post! This may sound weird, but I LOVE guys that I can have good arguments with. There’s a difference between fighting and arguing; one is logical and can be fun, one is born out of hate and frustration. If there was never any conflict, life would be so boring, and I would be really depressed. I think, for me at least, when a guy is intelligent, and caring, and godly, he can argue without it escalating to a fight. Without conflict, there would be no resolution.
good advice Joy-full 🙂 you always are very balanced in your approach…
so..i have nothing to say that hasn’t already been said in the comment boxes, but i just wanted to let you know that i now subscribe to you and i’m loving it so far. you’re a special gal and i’m always excited to hear what you have to say. sincerely, your friend’s stalking sister-in-law 🙂
okay, nevermind. i just read through the comments and i still have something to say regarding the topic: couples who fight, married or not, big fights or small arguments are NOT fun to be around. the end.
Joy,
I think that you hit the nail on that one. Going back to your point on the perception of marriage and arguing; I think that on my part I was heavily influenced by movies and the telly in general. After all, what we see or hear usually affect our perceptions of the world. For example I continuously heard mommy and daddy are arguing, but it is okay that does not mean they hate each other. And weirdly enough this was reaffirmed on the telly. So, it was not long before I started equating marriage with arguments.
Donella – Thanks, I love those green boots too. The just feel concert/purse crushing appropriate.
Kaitlyn – Yes, people who know how to have healthy debates and arguments can be very attractive. If we are affirming to our co-arguer and believe they have value, then they can really help grow us. Stephen Carter has spoken on (and I am sure written) this topic. Our generation must know good Rhetoric (the art of speaking well), in order to be civil and grow in our critical thinking. The jist of the lecture I heard he basically was saying that we will become less intelligent if we don’t. (Hope I’m doing justice to Stephen…don’t quote me.)
Jenny – Balance is one of my prayers! Thank you.
Katie – So happy you commented! You are my friend too. (-: And yes, couples who have no tact or courtesy to when and where they are fighting make me uncomfortable too.
Jacqui – So glad someone commented on this. I think we need to be so aware of how culture has shaped our view and expectations. As you said, television has been huge. It seems that no longer do shows imitate life, rather we imitate our lives around what shows have told us life will be like. Consciously or sub-consciously…it does shape our expectations whether we like it or not. But there’s hope! We can have a reality check and start talking about this stuff now so we are more realistic and strive for healthy relationships that don’t have to be so difficult all the time!
Okay, now from a guy’s perspective.
Let’s see if I can finish that thought before hitting send. Joy, I think many valid points here. But a couple things to point out. The word “never” ever helps. Just like “always” rarely if ever is correct in using to describe something or someone. However, after three yrs of dating and fighting/arguing are at the forefront and now she wants out. This tells me that this did not just happen suddenly. As you point out in your video (unconsciously perhaps) brick by brick we build walls in our relationships. These are very hard to overcome. Praying about it certainly helps but if this guy is worth his “salt” he is already doing this. If not, time to buy him but one gift for Christmas…a book called Love & Respect. Otherwise, save for future counseling sessions. 🙂
Joy,
This is the first time I’ve read your column here. I am a big fan of Love and Respect and will be starting a small study group at my church with the seminar videos next year.
One of the things that really attracted me to Love and Respect is the fact that your father recognized that the same thing we must overcome before we can enter the Kingdom of God is the same thing that we must overcome to get out of the Crazy Cycle- our pride.
Anytime I give advice to other couples, I always point this out explicitly. Like you, I tell them that disagreements and arguments will take place, but they need to take place in such a way that our pride is on the back-burner. That will keep us from saying things that are unloving (for men) and disrespectful (for women).
There’s nothing wrong with these if they are conducted in a Christian manner. If they are conducted in a Christian manner, God will use them to open communication between the man and woman. Open communication allows the two to get to know and understand each other better. In the case of unmarried couples, that will allow them to make a sound decision about if they desire to love the other as a spouse (you must know about a person before you can decide if you want to love them). In the case of the married couple, it will allow them to know the each other more intimately, thus strengthening the love they have for one another.
Married or not, this will build their character to be able to communicate effectively to others when they are sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Finally, the building of character prepares the Christian for eternal fellowship with the Father.
God bless,
Luke
Steve & Luke – Way to represent for men! You need to rally the voice of more guys. Thanks for thoughts on arguing and conflict.
Donella thinks...
Sometime’s I think couples (especially those who are dating). Think arguing is the end of the world. My boyfriend and I use to argue all the time. But I took a step back to see where it was all coming from, and it’s because we were raised in very different households. Both of us were raised in “good Christian homes”. But his family is much more vocal than mine. Neither is bad, but each family works in different ways. Sometime’s I think people feel to eager to please and then feel as though they lose themselves, and then feel taken for granted, and then the arguing starts. (oh that vicious circle.) (: I have communication is key, and sometimes it leads to an argument, but if we end up getting down to what’s bothering both of us that’s excellent! I understand where this girl is coming from. But if you think this relationship is worth it you’ll find the right to work out your differences.
By the way Joy, I saw you from a distance at the Needtobreathe concert last night. Not a stalker, but I was at the Solid Rock womens retreat, so I recognized you. Hope you enjoyed the concert as much as my boyfriend and I did. They are one of our favorite bands!
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