My fiance says he would rather be loved than respected. If he feels that he does not deserve or need unconditional respect from me, how do I give him that to get the unconditional love that I crave from him?
We don’t feel like we need something if we are getting it…
What are the things you crave in a relationship? Are they purposely withholding what you need, or are they simply a human being who is unable to meet all of your needs? What have you given in a relationship that is contrary to what you personally needed, but what you knew they craved? What was their response?
Have you ever responded to a Biblical instruction that was contrary to what felt natural, but you did it out of faith and obedience? What was the result?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
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you know! – The eye glitter is all for you. And I think for those in relationships, “taking inventory” of what needs are being met is a really good idea. Well done!
“it’s called Eye Shadow” nice touch, Joy.
I think it’s true that a person in a relationship can’t meet all of another’s needs. People are doomed to let the other down – not necessarily intentionally, but we’re all human and it will happen at some point. I’ve had to respond to Biblical instruction which didn’t feel natural – it was forgiveness. Took a lot of prayer but over time it worked.
I wonder more about the guy than the girl in this situation. She cares enough about the relationship to write the question and wants a solution, so I’m inclined to think she loves him. I’d ask him to describe what a relationship between to people about to marry should look like. If he has a clear understanding of what a relationship should look like, he can discern if she truly loves him. I don’t think he’s in it to win it. He’s put the onus back on her when he may be the one who’s not ready.
RK – Gotta teach them the right terminology right?
JHB – You could be right about this guy–some good thoughts you bring up.
However, don’t let “writing to me” be an indication of who cares more about the relationship. It might be an indication of who has deeper expectations of what the other person is supposed to be for them. And we all know that unrealistic expectations can cause a lot of heartache in a marriage!
1) The questions are anonymous so who knows if her fiance has written or not.
2) I get about 75% + of my questions from women. We could either say that they care more about relationships OR they are more likely to be the ones to be dissatisfied and focus on the negative of a relationship. (-;
I’m not saying it’s either…just something to consider.
[I didn’t watch the video because my sound card isn’t working. So I may be repeating something you already said.]
It’s normal and natural for men to want and need respect, and for women to want and need love. When that’s flip-flopped it’s abnormal and unnatural, and points to a lack in his life — i.e., his past. He’s looking for his fiancee to be a parent to him, which is unreasonable and impossible and just plain weird.
I think this guy could benefit from professional counseling to get some perspective and healing.
Stephen – I suggest you watch the video when you can because I think you may have missed what she is fully asking. I also want to clarify that at Love and Respect we believe both men and women need Love and Respect.
Are you saying that as a man you don’t need love?
I don’t think this guy needs professional counseling and I certainly wouldn’t call him weird. I think he is simply with a woman who meets his need for respect and he has grown up in a culture that says respect must be earned, so right now, he is filtering life through the love grid. I think he simply needs to appreciate what he has in this woman and get in tune with how he would feel if she was to remove her respect.
It was unfair of me to jump to conclusions without knowing the whole story, and my words were a bit harsh. For that, I apologize.
But unless you have more information than what you shared, I think my reading of the situation is just as likely. Granted, our differences in gender and life experiences lead us to have different assumptions about what might be going on.
My comment (which should not have been personalized) was really directed to a generation of men — myself included — who have been raised to believe that (a) “All you need is love”; (b) men and women are not different; therefore (c) a man’s greatest need is love. In short, a generation of men who aspire to be women. (I’m sorry, but there it is.)
Men’s responses to this confusion fall into three general categories: (1) Violent repudiation. He adopts an over-the-top macho persona. (2) Healthy synthesis. He forges a uniquely male identity that is nonetheless balanced and whole. (3) Passive appropriation. He suppresses his real wants and needs, believing they are bad, in order to be what he was told a man ought to be, namely, more like a woman.
Stephen – Hope you watched the video and I am much more on board with what you have said in your most recent comment. It is something I see too, but am hoping for men to respond with (b) the healthy synthesis.
My hope is that men and women will appreciate their differences and want to learn from one another. We should always be willing to grow and learn from one another on how to be better human beings, (taking on strengths from both of the sexes) but it’s completely natural to also appreciate the qualities and strengths that God has designed naturally within us, which makes us uniquely male and female. I do think our culture is moving away from this and towards androgyny, but my hope is that we can come back to an equality that appreciates differences!
I am married to a man who feels both myself and my daughter (10) need to earn his love…. I know it’s not right, and I often feel unloved by him, I know she does too. What do I do?
NM – If he has verbalized that you need to earn his love, I would ask him why he feels that way? If he hasn’t verbalized it, it may be miscommunication and something that can be resolved through unpacking what he needs and what you need from the relationship and striving to meet the other persons needs. If talking it through is not resolvable between the two of you, I would suggest getting a Godly couple or counselor who you both feel comfortable with to walk through this with you. This is not a “one answer fixs all” type of situation. You need to seek the counsel of people who know you both.
you know! thinks...
i really appreciated what you said about how we don’t feel we need something if we are already getting it. it has caused me to focus on my actual needs and to be thankful for what i am already receiving from my husband. this is very easy to lose site of when one has been married for awhile. or when one has on too much eye glitter.
~s
p.s. your eye glitter looks very nice.
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