Will there ever be a point in a relationship where you will feel free of doubt and be 100 percent ready to choose to commit?
For some people, yes, but I think that’s more indicative of a personality trait than whether something is right or wrong with the other person. Regardless of personality and feelings, it’s more important to say, “Am I free to date this person based on what Scripture tells me?”
Then…
Based on your personality, you can decide and be free in your decision—not because you are without doubt, but because you are without fear that, by making this choice, you are sinning against God’s commands.
Then…
Move forward freely.
Some of you may be saying, “Joy, are you nuts? When I married my wife I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was the ONE!”
Guess what, Confident Cleon. Not everyone has your personality. Anxious Andy has been this way since he had to get up and choose what color of name tag he wanted at the second grade science fair. Overanalyzing Opal has had an overabundance of ankle sweat ever since she was first asked to pick players as the kickball captain.
Some of us STRUGGLE with making decisions. Second-guessing our decisions is part of our DNA for a number of reasons. I feel bad for those personality types who believe their stories have to be just like Confident Cleon’s and Know-It Nancy’s.
If they can recognize their personalities and cling to the truths of Scripture (and I really mean cling to, as in repeating verses to oneself and BELIEVING), then I believe they can move forward confidently.
Luke 12:22–23, 31
And he said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing.…Instead, seek his Kingdom, and these things will be added to you.”
There are plenty of passages on anxiety in Scripture, but I like this one because it says, “Life is more than what you will eat….Seek his Kingdom.”
In the midst of not knowing whom you should commit to, are you seeking God and asking for direction? If you are and you know your life is more about serving Him with someone than just about some… “one” then committing to a partner based on that should help free up some of your doubt.
But there still may be some doubt, and that’s OK.
It’s probably been your MO your whole life to second-guess your choices and commitments. If that is the case, and if everyone around you is saying this is a good choice for a life partner, then move forward and commit if this is the person you can imagine doing life with.
If it’s your personality to be more like Know-It Nancy and Confident Cleon, then maybe this doubt is for a reason, and, in the depths of your soul, you know this person isn’t right for you.
And let me be clear: I am not discounting a doubtful person’s doubting. You could be right about your uncertainty. So how do you know? Same way as everyone else—seek counsel from people who know you both!
No matter what personality type you are, once you have committed, there is going to be work involved, but also great reward. Let’s pray that Opal meets Cleon and Andy meets Nancy.
That should even things out…at least in the gene pool.
From my heart,
Joy
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HME – Great question. My belief would be that scripture doesn’t address this because “dating” didn’t happen at that time, just as there are many things we do today that are culturally different. At the same time we have to remember that nothing is new to God. Do we trust that He gave us enough instructions in scripture to live a life of obedience and discernment so we could navigate to the best of our ability and trust Him to shut a door if it wasn’t right?
Are you listening to Him by reading scripture? Are you seeking wisdom by asking your community for guidance?
Seek God; believe He will guide and direct you in HIS plan as you are obedient. And remember, you are free.
Your writing is getting snappier (in the best possible way-seriously). Thanks for helping out with the difference between decision-making personalities and those of us who aren’t gifted with certainty all the time. I remember having a conversation with you at L’Abri about this very subject in regards to my own relationship! You were so encouraging then, as you are now.
L’Abri really helped me appreciate the difference between confidence and certainty. There’s almost nothing you can be certain about in life… the existence of God, whether or not you’re loved, how tomorrow will go… but there’s plenty to be *very* confident about. And our confidence may wax and wane, but encouraging honesty and living in a truthful community (like you pointed out–seeking counsel) are ways to make sure that you’re confident about the right things.
I wonder if a feeling of “certainty” might actually be a bad sign, sometimes; one that indicates you haven’t seriously weighed the pros & cons of this relationship. But constant ambivalence isn’t a good sign either, and maybe, like you said, an indicator that there’s some more serious (and legitimate) doubt going on under the surface. I know you & I have been on both sides of that issue at different times in our lives.
Val – Those words coming from you mean a ton. I hope my writing is improving since I DON’T love writing, but I love trying to help. And as you know, you were more than encouraging to me at L’Abri as well. Mid-night bathroom sob session anyone??
I think your last paragraph is so telling of not only the dangers in dating, but in our Christian life too. If we are SO certain of everything it can breed arrogance in our Christian life, (even though there are some Truths that we can know) but on the other hand if we are constantly ambivalent or in a state of relativistic, “how can we know-ness” then we will never move forward.
I think I have said this 10 times in the last few days. “Scripture screams of balance.”
Questions that were just sent to me anonymously in response to this post. (Remember, you can write comments with a made up name so no one knows who you are.)
Q: What are the chances that a 40 year old guy who has been w his girlfriend for nearly 5 years, will change his mind about marriage and kids?
A: I don’t know the “chances” but my question for you is, what do the people who know him say? If you are the female that is with this guy, are you listening to the counsel the people know you are giving? When people ask me things like this, my gut tells me that they want an answer different than what the people who know them are telling them.
Q: Is it possible for one person to be fully committed and the other to not be and for the anxious one to commit in the future?
A: All things are possible, but like I told the person who asked the question in the comment above…
“What are people telling you about this person?”
If you want to pursue this person but you are praying and have a sense from the Lord and family that you shouldn’t, then you need to stop. If you are pursuing someone who is more anxious and has trouble committing because of past wounds, family issues, fears, etc. then that person needs to be actively working on those things, but you may be called to keep pursuing.
Go to people that know you. Go to scripture. I am just a third party person who can state the options at hand, but I believe deep down you know or are close to knowing what you should do. Until then, pray for peace and wisdom.
One of my favorite @joyeggerichs blog posts. Truly.
Two things I love. No wait, make that three.
First, I love talking about “The One” with you, and also just in general. I find it hilarious that, ever since we started the dialogue the other night, it keeps coming up EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME. I wonder if that’s one of those things, like how you never notice all the toothpaste commercials on TV until you start thinking about maybe changing your toothpaste… anyway….
Second, I love the admission that personality plays a role, because sometimes I think (well-intentioned) Christians (who maybe also have a hard time making decisions) obsess over finding the *right* answer and forget that the answer may not be the same for everyone, always, all the time (are you reading that I’m talking about me here…? Because I am… :)). Sometimes there is one right answer, with some things. But I can’t help but think that God is also infinitely creative and that one way he demonstrates his creativity is in the way that he authors our story.
Finally, I love your sense of humor. It makes me smile. And it helps me not to take things too seriously. And I need that sometimes. Okay fine, all the time.
Great words, Joy.
Mike – Thank you. Can I ask why?
Ally – It was so funny that this was scheduled to post for Monday because I wrote it a long time ago and forgot that it was SO connected to everything we have been talking about. Just got off the phone with my dad because I wanted to run my “The One” video past him. He likes. YES!
Love and agree with all that you said. I think God must chuckle when we try to ignore how he made us uniquely and try to make everyone’s story fit and be the same so we can have a “right way”/”wrong way” formula. The formula is obedience. The difficulty or ease will be dependent on our personality struggles.
you are such a witty wendy.
Why I loved this post
By Mike Pacchione
Well, for one thing, you mentioned my friend Cleon. He doesn’t get much play and was thrilled to see his name in the lights.
Also:
Because everyone simultaneously a) believes they are different; and b) wants some sort of templated relationship advice, as if we all work the same. I think you’ve done a wonderful job of explaining how we’re wired differently, and that the whole comparative “I should feel…” mentality is a bit flawed.
Because I think people tend to treat you (or authors at a book reading, or professors or any other authority figure) as someone who has all the answers, when all you can really do is make suggestions based on probability.
Because your writing is smoother these days
Because you honor God. In the end, He’s the one we need to ask anyway. Glad you point us in that direction.
love this
This was so useful to me. Found it very encouraging. When in a relationship, I really tend to be very doubtful. I see now that this is a normal part of my anxious personality! Thanks for this.
HME thinks...
Considering that scripture does not say, thou is datable when x/y/z
How can one go about discerning when he/she is datable or non datable?
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