Emotional and physical issues get ninety-nine percent of the attention when it comes to talking about relationships, but what do you think about spiritual intimacy inside a dating relationship? Do you think the sky is the limit, or should we save some spiritual intimacy to be enjoyed for the first time as a married couple?
As an example, I think communion taken as a couple should be done as man and wife, not boyfriend and girlfriend. But that’s just personal preference; I have nothing doctrinal or biblical to base that on.
Unrelated note: why the big deal over unicorns? We have herds of them in Wyoming, nothing special. They hang out with the jackalopes. Seems like a unicorn aficionado would know that . . .
Travis
I see unicorns everywhere, so I was familiar with that last stat you mentioned. It’s more the fact that there are so many unbelievers, and that is why I have to proclaim the truth and show evidence. (As you will note if you ever view my Pinterest page.)
On to your less serious question about spiritual boundaries.
Most forms of discipline in life result in making us stronger as individuals. If the discipline is done to honor God, it also will make us stronger spiritually. Both married and dating people can benefit from the practice of spiritual disciplines; however, it needs to be done out of a healthy fear and reverence for God because of our relationship with Him, not because we are trying to get an A+.
I can tell you are someone who knows that.
When a discipline is acted on in a dating relationship because one is trying to have boundaries and save things for marriage, it’s always important to understand the “why” behind the rules we decide to follow or set for ourselves. As you alluded, you have no spiritual basis for saying no to taking communion with a girlfriend; you simply made that choice because of what it symbolizes for you. And that’s great.
As I was sharing this with a friend who had a similar experience in his last relationship, he said that no matter what you decide your personal spiritual boundaries are in dating, the important thing is that you have an open conversation with your girlfriend at a certain point where you can share your decisions and she can share hers. If she doesn’t know that the reason you aren’t taking communion with her is out of reverence for your future marriage,
she might be hurt if she has a different take on that same spiritual practice.
Another way that spiritual boundaries can have adverse effects is when we set boundaries for ourselves based on what someone told us to do. I know I say “seek wise counsel” in ninety-nine percent of my posts, but that should never be translated as “seek wise counsel and then blindly follow the advice.” That’s not Scripture’s intent when it tells us to seek wisdom. An example in this case would be the counsel who says, “Boyfriends and girlfriends should NEVER pray together!”
And then the conversation ends.
The people giving that type of advice are generally the people who when dating would connect in prayer and then find themselves connecting in the backseat of their car moments later. They then teach the next generation of people that dating and praying are not a good combination. But they neglect to share the reason why behind their dogmatic statement. I know couples who really did struggle in this way, and I know couples who have felt complete freedom praying together.
I like your question, Travis, but I’m going to put the responsibility on you as the individual to make your own decision based on your personal struggle and how you think you can best show reverence for God in a relationship. That is what I would tell others.
I believe this will ultimately bring the most freedom and attentiveness to a couple’s spiritual practices.
At the end of the day, I pray each dating couple connects spiritually on some level because even if they end up marrying someone else, I hope there will be growth from those relationships that had open spiritual components and conversations.
From my heart,
Joy
Who/what typically dictates the boundaries you have in your dating relationships? Do you know why they are there?
Do you assume others should have those same boundaries?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
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@Bethany, couldn’t agree more!
I enjoyed reading this post. I think dating couples should pray together at times. If you are believers, then you want to include God in your plans and in your relationship. I remembered a time when I was dating a guy. We both went to prayer meeting at church. Sometimes we ended up holding hands during a group prayer time and I can say for myself that at times my mind wasn’t focused on the Lord. I guess that I did put myself in the place of being more than what we were in those times. I think it didn’t help that the lights in the sanctuary were dimmed too. I think most churches would not dim the lights. I went to a Pentecostal church during this time. I’m not putting them down, but some of the practices probably weren’t very smart. I would guard against holding hands during prayer if your mind is prone to wander.
My thoughts on boyfriend and girlfriend taking communion together are different. When I take communion, my husband isn’t involved. I may be sitting beside him in church, but I’m not thinking about him during this time. I don’t usually hold his hand during this time either. I tried to imagine how taking communion with a girlfriend or boyfriend would make someone uncomfortable. It is just hard to wrap my mind around. Communion is an act of worship between you and the Lord. I guess if your girlfriend or boyfriend wants to hold hands with you during this time, I can see how you would only want hold hands with your spouse and not want your boyfriend or girlfriend to think more about the relationship than where you are at. Definitely talk about these things so that your boyfriend or girlfriend understands how you feel.
It’s interesting how the question reflets Travis’ personal theological situation on things like communion and prayer. I see communion as something you couldn’t avoid taking together if you were both part of the same local body of believers (and shouldn’t, unless one of you are in sin).
I really liked what you said about cooperating with counsel on setting boundaries in relationships, Joy. A la Lauren Winner and Renea McKenzie, I believe a lot of the boundaries and practices of our relationships should emerge within the context of a local church body. So, if your church is pouring into your lives, getting up in your business, and communicating with you on wisdom as you pursue a relationship together, you have a huge structure of accountability and support that leads to a lot of freedom.
It seems like each of you should be (at least individually) seeking the Lord in prayer regarding your relationship. If you’re dating, you’re probably eating together a fair amount, and hopefully you’re thanking God before you eat for his provision of things like food. My off-the-cuff thought is that it seems like that’s usually a safe time to bring up other requests briefly to God as well, and to ask for his guidance. You’re not likely to make out in the middle of a cafe with a table between you, anyway (and if you are, and you’re in the middle of praying, you probably have other issues to need to work on).
@Val, I recently heard someone say that the people who are often most comfortable with their sexuality are those who are not screwed up sexually. Then they said that America next to England is the most touch deprived country. So I think that reflects that we have a certain rigidity about sending wrong messages. Often there’s reasons why people might fear this, but my hope is that as our focus and perspectives shift on our sexuality, then intimacy will take a new form.
As always, I love your thoughts. I can’t wait for my “recommendations” page so I can finally just put Lauren’s book up there!
You bring up a good point, and something I failed to mention. At the church I attend we don’t pass the elements, they are located at various places around the room and it is on you to partake during the response/worship time. So it is corporate in a sense, but also a little more individual/intentional. So it can take on quite an intimate dynamic of a father serving his family and they partake together, husband serving his wife, bf/gf, etc.
So its not about ‘is it right’ or ‘is it wrong’, or which is more spiritual or anything like that. Just tossed it out there for discussion.
I tend to limit time spent with others in any one-on-one situations. When I begin ‘courting’ someone this will change. I do want to be aware of time restraints as in not spending too much time together alone when, lonely, angry (bad day @ work) or tired. These are typically my weakest times now, and I don’t want to bring that into any other relationship.
Bethany thinks...
In a way, I think this question is a false dichotomy. By that I mean, we set emotional and physical boundaries for spiritual reasons. These are great thoughts about being mindful of decisions around prayer, communion, etc. I just didn’t want to let the spiritual dimension of physical and emotional boundaries to be downplayed. The physical boundaries my husband and I set when we were dating were very much about pure hearts and minds, not just making sure we were doing the right thing. In fact, I think if we had had the latter focus, our relationship would have been plagued with doubt, confusion, and crossed boundaries.
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