I have a crush on my friend, but since we’ve been friends for so long, I don’t know how to say that my feelings have changed. I don’t want to ruin the friendship, so what should I do?
The “Ask Joy” above is a shortened version of many similar questions I have received. Men and women all at one point or another seem to find themselves with a friend who was always “just a friend”—who now suddenly looks a little different.
Maybe it’s just the lighting.
Maybe she took notice of something you always wanted to be appreciated for and your heart softened a little.
Maybe he did something that made you realize he would be a good parent someday.
Maybe he grew out a beard and you realized you have a very shallow weakness.
Just me?
The two most recent questions I have gotten on this topic have been from women, so I will answer from that point of view. I did answer a similar question from a guy about being stuck in the “friend zone.”
The interesting thing that I hear from many women is that they want to be pursued. They want to be chosen. If you are a woman, and that’s not you, or you’re a man who wants to be pursued, don’t get your panties in a bunch. You can do whatever you want. I’m addressing the women who DO want a man to want them enough to make the first move.
And that’s many of you—and me.
Some women might get confused when they read posts like my “Who Pursues” series and somehow interpret it as my saying, “Sit back and don’t say anything.”
That’s not what I said.
I actually think there is a place for more women TO say something to the guy friends in their lives. To set better boundaries and to honestly think through the feelings and behavior patterns that they’re developing in their singleness.
OK, Joy, so…
1. How do I do that?
2. And depending on how “that” turns out, then what do I do?
Well, for starters, I did a series on guys and girls being friends, and I proposed a series of questions to ask yourself if you have feelings for your friend. Stating you have feelings for your friend should not be done on a whim, the day before you start your period, or after you’ve listened to a song by Ray LaMontagne.
Trust me.
Next thing you know, the Macarena comes on your shuffle and, not only are you embarrassed, but you realize you’ve just lost that loving feeling.
Sometimes as women we operate too quickly when our emotions feel so strong. In your desire to know what your friend-who-you-now-maybe-want-to-kiss thinks and feels about you in return, you might have a DTR* simply to release the pressure of not knowing anymore, but you haven’t thought about the next steps that would follow. And many women feel the urgency to have a DTR because the friend they like either isn’t interested and legitimately sees them as a friend, or he’s waiting for lightening to strike and, in the words of one woman, “he said he was attracted to me but didn’t want to date because he was waiting for God to make it perfectly clear.”
And then he proceeded being her “BFF.”
Wwwwaaaa?
So here are a couple of ideas for you ladies of things you could do if you realize the friendship is in a weird-flirtatious-we-aren’t-just-friends-but-I-don’t-know-what-we-are state.
1. Back off from initiating anything with him, and when he notices, just let him know your feelings: that you feel like he was treating you like a girlfriend but wasn’t clear about his feelings, so you wanted to let him have his space so he could get some clarity and let you know how he feels about you.
(Side note: He may not notice and he may not say anything. It might be painful, but it might be a clear sign of how he feels about you.)
OR
2. You could say up front, “Look, we have known each other for ______ years,” and then share with him all the things you respect and admire about him. Then be honest about how your feelings have changed and why you think it would be worth giving dating a shot, but then also say something like, “But I kind of feel like we are in this ambiguous friend zone and I want to be with someone who wants to date me. You don’t have to say anything right now, but I realized that because my feelings have changed, it probably isn’t wise for me to keep playing the role of friend. At this stage, it seems like we are just snacking, and I’m at a point in my life where I am ready to have a real meal.”
Be prepared. This is not a game.
Don’t back off to manipulate; back off because you genuinely have come to a crossroads and you know it’s the wisest thing for your heart. Pray about any scenario that you decide to move forward on and, as always, talk with wise people who know you. These suggestions are not the word of God, but simply my ideas for backing off from the friendship (if that’s the only role he’s playing) while still sharing your heart honestly.
From my heart,
Joy
As I gave these suggestions, I felt a bit uneasy and wondered if I had given the best advice for their scenarios. What if I told them the wrong thing and they did what I said? (This is why Scripture warns “teachers” to be careful.) Sometimes I literally want to sit down and moderate the conversations I know many of you are going to have after we e-mail because I feel so responsible.
OK, so I have control issues.
In the midst of my e-mailer’s remorse, I picked up Timothy Keller’s book “The Meaning of Marriage” and read this passage. I couldn’t believe the timing and I absolutely loved Kathy Keller’s strength, grace, respect for Tim, and respect for herself!
Listen, don’t try to follow my words exactly. Don’t copy Kathy Keller. The point of this is that I want to make sure women don’t think that being pursued means letting a guy have you play pretend-girlfriend while you secretly pine away. There’s still a way to let a man initiate and pursue even after being clear about where you stand and what you desire. Don’t manipulate as you initiate, and be honest about what you will do if the outcome is not what you imagined when Mr. LaMontagne was singing.
From my heart again,
Joy
*defining the relationship or door toast richard.
What affect does it have on you to secretly maintain unspoken feelings for a friend?
What prevents you from telling telling them about your feelings?
How can you prepare yourself for a potential outcome that doesn’t match your hopes?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
@Val, Thanks! In the words of Sarah Eggerichs, it felt like a “God thing” when I read that soon after writing some of these women.
I recently did this a few days ago. My friend was talking about how he does not feel God would bring his wife to him at this point in his life because of some internal struggles he’s going through. Before the night was over, I was able to tell him that I had feelings for him. He took it as a surprise, stated that he thinks I’m beautiful and wonderful, but restated that he a lot of things going on with him. He also mentioned that there was a time he was talking to someone else during our friendship and decided to not pursue things with her due to this.
So now I’m left with jealousy (silly, I know) about this unknown girl that he thought would be better to pursue instead of me. And then on the other hand, I’m hoping this new information would give him food for thought and he would decide to pursue me.
I see him again this Sunday at one of our volunteer meetings, and if he still acts in that really friendly/slightly flirtatious way, I’m going to have to tell him that it’s not healthy for us to be friends.
With all the said, do you have any advice for what to do while I wait for that moment. The last few days have been excruciating. Thinking of having to wait 4 more days is even more painful. I want to give him some time (read: a week) to pray about this and talk to his wise counsel – something I’m sure he’s doing. But I don’t share my heart with everyone, and like Kathy Keller, I’m not down for hoping and waiting for months, years, or longer. Now that he knows, there’s this urgency to know what he’s thinking and what’s going to happen next so this can be done… you know?
Any advice would be wonderful.
@Shay, I think it is good that you are waiting this week even though it’s excruciating. Make sure if you really want to say you can’t be friends with him that it’s because you know that’s best and it’s not because you are hoping it will force him to choose you immediately.
You opened up emotionally and while that does contribute to the rejection feeling stronger than if you hadn’t – allow it to be something for you to evaluate, not shame yourself or shut down about.
Have healthy boundaries, but don’t become unfriendly if you don’t get the response you want. It’s very easy in our pride to get an attitude. Especially when the jealousy factor kicks in – trust me I know. (-:
My gut says to be friendly at a distance. Your timing may not be his timing. And while he may never be the person for you, you don’t want to do anything to discredit yourself by your reaction to rejection.
I’m sorry for the pain. Sometimes we just have to sit in it and listen and learn. You will grow.
@Shay, I can understand what you are going through. I have a friend who flirts with me and spends time with me. Some people at the church thought we were a couple. He volunteers in the same ministry as me. I told him I was volunteering there and then he started volunteering every Sunday. On two separate Sundays, he sat next to me at service. I found out later that it was the second time he attended service that day.
Our friendship has caused problems with other people. His ex girlfriend broke up with him because she thought he was spending too much time with me. A guy that was pursuing me stopped the pursuit when my male friend kept interrupting our conversations.
I think these men want all the benefits of having a girlfriend without the commitment. How should I treat this man? Should I tell him how I feel?
i’m insensitive and cruel, so when it comes to handling this situation, i wrote this:
http://guidetowomen.wordpress.com/?s=what+if+i+lose+the+friendship&submit=Search
@sharideth smith, You are not insensitive or cruel in this. I totally agree with your post, he needs to be intentional, but I am thinking the snuggling is a bit much. Call him out and you be intentional and make him lead as he should’ve been doing in the first place.
@sharideth smith, Wow – just read this. I should have just stolen your post. Well said, my friend.
Joy- i think you were speaking directly to me in regards to a situation i am currently in. Thanks for the insight sister!
@Karrie, so encouraging to hear!
What affect does it have on you to secretly maintain unspoken feelings for a friend?
Usually it makes me feel queasy, uncomfortable and incredibly awkward around said friend if I try to keep it secret.
What prevents you from telling telling them about your feelings?
Nothing. If I develop feelings for someone and they don’t go away after awhile, I’ll usually say something to the girl regardless of whether or not I think they feel the same way just to clear the air as I’m sure they’ve noticed that I’ve been acting weird around them lately. It’s like taking off a band-aid. It kind of stings, but if you do it quickly it’s not as bad and the pain/awkwardness dissipates more quickly that way.
How can you prepare yourself for a potential outcome that doesn’t match your hopes?
The key is to not get your hopes up too high. Don’t build up some sort of fantasy around some person you’re into about how awesome it would be if you got together, got married, had babies and started a unicorn farm. Based on my track record of successfully transitioning crushes to relationships over the past 20 years; at this point regardless of how much chemistry I think I might have with someone, I just always assume that the outcome will probably not be what I want it to be. The most I’ll let myself get into someone these days is cautiously optimistic. That way if one day I’m finally wrong I’ll be pleasantly surprised. 🙂
@G Fresh, Do you think your caution causes you to come off as slightly indifferent when you do express your feelings?
@JOY, No, I don’t think so. When I ask someone out, I’m definitely really interested in the girl and I do my best to make that known to her and I truly think it would be awesome if she wanted to go out with me, but I don’t let my hopes for an answer in the affirmative get up so high that I’m miserable for a month afterwards if/when she says no.
Like Jennifer stated and Aron re-iterated below, “A girl (guy) can only handle so much rejection, perceived or otherwise.” It used to be when I was interested in someone I would pay a lot of attention to them, try to get to really know them better and get overly excited about them if we had a lot in common and got along really well. So if/when I would ask them out and they said no I’m not interested in you that way or that they didn’t want to ruin the friendship or whatever it would really hurt for a long time afterward.
This is gonna sound pretty jaded and in all honesty probably is a little bit, but as a guy who’s had little to no success in the romance department, after a couple decades of taking all the risks, but not getting any of the rewards you kind of learn you to keep your hopes to a more realistic level. Now when I get rejected it still hurts, but not nearly as much as it used to because I’m prepared for it/used to it.
I guess it’s kind of a hope for the best, but prepare for the worst approach to dating. It is what it is, but my heart can no longer handle going over the moon for someone who doesn’t want to take the trip with me.
I think what you have said makes a lot of sense.
One thing to hold on to, perhaps it has not worked out with those other ppl as God is going bring someone into your life that will make it worth the wait. Just think of how much you are saving yourself emotionally for that special person. I do know how easy it is to become jaded or discouraged but don’t give up 🙂
I am in a dating relationship and have been for many months. Even so, I still relate with some of the emotions presented here; Feeling like at times the relationship isn’t purposefully moving forward, but stagnant and feeling like he doesn’t recognize the treasure from God that I am, or the full value of what God wants to give to both of us in our relationship. I’m considering taking some of the wisdom offered here for friendship and applying it to a relationship in a prayerful way.
@Julie, I pray the conversation is productive and you hear each other’s hearts – no matter what direction the relationship takes. Glad this post helped get you thinking.
What affect does it have on you to secretly maintain unspoken feelings for a friend?
This is not something I have had to work through as of yet. There have been some initial crushes/interests with some of the folks in my singles group; but I watch from a distance to get more information on them and see how they interact with others, I have found most of them are better off in the “friend zone.”
Although I did ask one out to a Valentine’s Dinner at my church — to which I was turned down in the most graceful way I have ever imagined — and I am so glad she did. It was a very formal engagement I would’ve been totally unprepared for something like that, not to mention more embarrassed than I care to admit. We have “hung out” at some social-get-togethers and have developed a really good “friend zone” for us both I think. If she is interested in more, I am not seeing/reading it.
What prevents you from telling them about your feelings?
I am perhaps too reserved with who I take out; but I like to be cautious and approach with intent when pursuing someone, I see too many friends get hurt because they are not approached with intend and it is merely a convenience to have someone of the opposite gender around.
From past conversations most are afraid of the either rejection, or the friendship will turn awkward. It is so worth taking that chance though, to move outside the “friend zone” into something that may be so much better and more than you could ever imagine.
How can you prepare yourself for a potential outcome that doesn’t match your hopes?
Not sure how you prepare for this. One of the reasons I don’t date one-on-one — unless I am interested in pursuing something more — is I don’t want to set myself up with a hard heart. My personal point of view is, we can prepare ourselves perhaps too much to deal with the pain of a failed relationship. If I am involved in a long-term relationship and it ends, there is a lot of pain there, but I recover. After the next long-term relationship ends, there is pain, but not so much as the last one. After a while, we may harden our hearts and not hurt at all when a relationship ends, now we are in a scary and sad place. That is my philosophy on why I don’t date too often. **Note, this is totally my perspective and I really have no evidence for or against it, just a theory I use
@Everyone,
That all being said, I did have a great conversation with a beautiful young lady a couple weeks back at a party. I was not “on the hunt” but we did have a nice conversation before going our separate ways and talking with different friends. As she was leaving, she came over and said “she really enjoyed our conversation,” then left. As a guy I would take this as an ‘I would like to continue the conversation another time.’ That weekend I noticed she was a greeter, and we greeted each other as can be expected in a church environment and I went to find my seat and not interrupt her serving. As service was getting ready to start, I noticed she was sitting in the row in front of mine, a bit to the right, but well in peripheral vision. I am a creature of habit and sit in the same seat every week and can pretty much guarantee you I would’ve noticed her if she had been sitting there previously. As a guy I interpret this as ‘an act to be noticed and/or offering the ability to have a conversation.’ To which we said “hello” and talked for a couple minutes before shuffling off. Now again this past week she was in the same location, but a seat closer and made eye contact a couple times. As a guy, I am now going to pursue as I am interested in getting to know her better.
The first few dates will be more for the getting to know each other and stabling a friendship before a relationship gets started. Too often I think we progress past the friendship stage of relationships and start planning for our future right off the bat, I tend to be more conservative than this.
I hope people get a good laugh out of this, or at least tell me I am crazy for my approach and thinking!
@Aron, hope it goes well! She seems tactful and confident in a really healthy way.
A girl can only handle so much rejection, perceived or otherwise. Great post as usual!
@Jennifer, Same with men!
@Jennifer, thanks!
Thanks for sharing this. I’ve been stuck in this place for awhile with a friend – and I just haven’t had the confidence to say what I’m really feeling – complicating matters is that we currently live on opposite sides of the country – but have SUCH a great time when he’s back east. I’ve always thought “if he’s interested, he’ll tell me, and I shouldn’t be the one putting it out there.” But then again, if both YOU AND Tim Keller recommend it… It might not be such a bad idea. Thanks for your wisdom.
@becki, haha! Thanks. Tim’s probably the one to listen to more – but I’m glad I could help. Pray for wisdom…and remember – no sappy songs first!
So relevant to me right now, thank you Joy!!!
In a similar situation with a close guy friend – he loves the Lord so much, encourages me in my faith and is so honest and respectful. A great guy basically!
After more communication in the past 2months than normal, i am starting to feel that ‘limbo phase’ of not quite knowing where our friendship goes from here. If he is pursing with intent, he is doing it well and his timing is good but my fear is that he sees us as just being really close friends and I’m just building ‘us’ up in my mind…
I hadn’t considered kindly confronting him like KKeller – i’m not sure i have the guts to do that!
But I do ask for prayer for God to guide him in whatever direction our friendship/relationship should go
Prayers/advice appreciated!
Thank you Joy for sharing your wisdom!
I’ve done this twice in my friendships over the past several years. I am sooo blessed to have amazing guy friends. In both situations, yes, I spoke up first. But I just couldn’t handle pining away, wondering, hoping, praying, dying inside…. you know. The conversation started out something like, “My friendship with you means the world to me. I want you to know that more than anything. But I just want to be crystal clear where we are…” Both situations were met with kindness and grace and, though neither guys are my significant other now, I had immediate peace and the ability to move on emotionally, as well as the blessing of maintaining the respective friendships. Win-win!
Val thinks...
Loved this! What an awesome story from the Kellers as well!
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