I’ve been dating a guy that I met on a dating site for 4 months now. I recently noticed he is still active on the site and is still signing in to check it daily.
We’ve already met each other’s parents, share our feelings and talk about the future, so what gives? Why is he still active on that site? Is it an ego thing?
Katrina
Photo Credit: Nate Grubbs
Hey Katrina,
Have you asked him?
I’m wondering if the reason you haven’t asked him is because the way you found out that he was still signing into the site was less than honest? Do we have a little Rupert Murdoch on our hands??
I do think there is reason for concern and that’s why I think you should ask him first and then go from there. But until then, I’ve asked a number of my guy friends to respond, as men, to your situation.
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Because she hasn’t told him that he can’t.
He isn’t fully committed to the relationship – I would hope after four months he would have more clarity, but he’s definitely open to meeting other women.
He’s doing research for his own L&RNow-style blog.
He’s looking for someone he knows on the site that he is keeping tabs on (i.e. the one that got away).
Honest answer: He’s a ________.*
Filtered answer: He’s not as sold on her as he says he is.
She says they “share feelings and talk about the future.” Sharing feelings from her perspective is most likely deeper than his. One of two things is going on here: 1. He is ridiculously naive and does not realize how much his sharing his heart and future means to her and how serious she really is about the relationship, or 2. he likes her, but not enough to be ready to dive “all-in.” So he whispers “sweet-nothings” in her ear (and meets her parents) to keep her nearby. (Not consciously intentional by the way. He may actual think this could work out but doesn’t realize how “deep” her feelings are for him and how that may lead her on).
Wow! Really? If he’s committed, he shouldn’t still be on there.
The guy is not wanting to commit and he’s playing the field to see if something better comes along.
Men think that woman don’t know. But, they know.
He’s waiting for Joy to appear on the page.
“He’s just not that into you.” – Worst answer ever. I DARE you to use it.**
He wants to validate that he got a good catch by comparing her with other girls.
He is using this to check out other girls. Kind of like a PG rated porno.
He’s afraid of commitment and likes to boost his ego. (Though I am left with a question about how she came to find out he was still active on the site.) They both should have deleted their profiles by now.
She sounds like a stalker. He should break up with her.
He could be broken and giving into his desire to be wanted. He could be afraid of the finality of marriage, or tentative about making the wrong choice. He could be unsure of the relationship and is keeping his options open until he really feels solid that she’s the right choice. It could be dastardly, or innocent decision making.
The devil made him do it.
I don’t think it’s an ego thing. I think it would be more accurate to assume that he is trying to keep his options open.
Why is he still looking? Because they’ve only been dating for four months.
Lack of trust. He’s on there every day, but apparently so is she. Perhaps they’re both checking in on each other.
It’s not a good sign–probably reveals that he doesn’t have complete confidence in the future. The best thing she can do is communicate with him about this. Could be more here that we don’t know. But at face value, it’s unfortunate and I would be very cautious with this guy.
On some of those sights you prepay for 3-6 months. He may have passed his login to someone else so as to not waste money. My friend met his wife from using his other friend’s account.
Is she still checking the site? How does she know this?
Depending on how long he has been habitually logging on, he may simply be addicted to the action of constantly checking. Similar to people who feel compelled to always check Facebook.
How is Joy supposed to know this? Ask him.
What if he is checking the website to see if you are still active? You won’t know until you talk.
She asks, “What gives?'” Maybe it’s the same reason she checks the site to see if he is still active. You two don’t fully trust each other yet–plus, he isn’t ready to commit. You are great, and he met you through that site, so maybe there is someone even better out there. Until the relationship matures, he still might let his eyes wander, even though he thinks you are wonderful.
He’s a _______.***
Either he is in, or he is out. It sounds to me like he is out. If he is “wandering” with her now, he will “wander” in marriage too. The pattern will continue if he thinks there could still be someone else.
Because he’s just not that in to you. Period.****
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There you have it – some great insight from the minds of my friends. Thank you men!
Take these thoughts with a grain of salt and prayerfully apply them to your situation. I would suggest then having a conversation where you respectfully (and humbly if you were hacking into his account or checking your own account daily) confront him with your questions. Get that honest communication going.
See what he says and then, since your parents have met him, I would run by your dad what this guy said as his answer. Your dad might have some more insight into the male brain for you as you move forward or, choose to cut the ties with this potential wanderer.
From my heart,
Joy
[ASTERISK KEY]
* = Some of my friends have potty mouths.
** = Dare accepted.
*** = Exact same sweet description as the first potty mouthed friend.
**** = This guy believes it’s the best answer ever.
What would your response be to this situation, as a participant or a friend?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
Joy’s advice is best: just ask him calmly and without accusation.
Make sure that he verbalizes clearly what his intentions were/are, and that he needs to decide whether or not he is committed to pursuing the relationship further. If he is committed, he needs to deactivate his account immediately, and not look at it again. He has this opportunity to build tremendous trust between them. If he is not willing to do that simple thing for her, then she doesn’t need to invest any more time and emotion into him.
If she chooses to end the relationship, she now has a good opportunity to show him kindness and respect as a person, even though she dislikes his actions (or how horrible she now believes he is as a person.). She can still show him respect, even as she breaks up with him. If he understands her heart and concerns/reasons for leaving, and is mature enough, he will hopefully be more aware and prepared for his future relationships.
p.s. She has probably been thinking about this concern for several weeks/months, while he (most likely) hasn’t thought about it at all. When she brings up the conversation, she can make sure that he understands how important this concern is to her, and that it might possibly lead to an end of the relationship. If he understands the full context of the conversation, he might not be “caught by surprise” that she is “all of a sudden” ending the whole relationship in one 15 minute chat. She can let him know that his answer is very important to her decision, but also allow him some time to start thinking about what he wants to do now that he is aware of her concerns.
solid advice!
Of course it is! I said your advice was best!
He is a _______*
That was my initial reaction this morning when I read it. I’m having a hard time getting away from it. I see absolutely no reason for either of them keeping their accounts open.
I like to give the benefit of the doubt once, though, so let’s say one of her friends was “matched” with him and told her about it and he’s letting a friend use his account. It’s still something that needs to be discussed. Don’t go ask Joy. Ask him. Figure out why you’re in this relationship and where you’re both wanting to go. Personally I would think by four months that should have already happened, but I’m not one to stick around if it’s not going anywhere, so I may be in the minority on this. And if his friend is using his account to be matched with women, that’s all kinds of creepy. Imagine showing up and it being a completely different guy or even before showing up, emailing someone totally different than what you’re seeing. Just doesn’t make sense to me. Tell the cheap-___** friend to get his own account and maybe identity for that matter.
Either way, I don’t see any reason to keep it open. Even if you’re not completely committed to the relationship, you still owe it to the other person out of respect to be completely there. If you’re always looking for something better, you’re going to miss the awesome right in front of you.
* = Sometimes I have a potty mouth.
**=Told ya
Love the mix of responses from the guys — and that you got them to weigh in on this one.
Your advice to her is sound and wise. I say, go with that.
(I appreciated the part about her running his answer by her dad. What an amazing conversation that could spark. Honest convos all around.)
Communicate about it. He may be messing around. He may be looking up things you wrote him there. Communication is key! Be clear and not naive, but don’t jump to conclusions too early. Being blamed for something that you didn’t do (or a reason for doing that you didn’t have) is a quick way to wound a relationship!
Agreed!
I agree.
Here is one simple thing I learned:
If both people print out the full recorded history of their communication together, then they each have no excuse to keep an account active, can demonstrate trustworthyness, and can easily go back to their transcripts to remember a given word/thought/person/event/background/perspective to better understand their match, or evaluate how they think/feel at that moment. It helps to identify questions/concerns in the relationship, and hopefully removes uneccessary fears and insecurities in the process.
you know what i learned from this post, Joy? you have ALOT of man friends.
haha!!
After reading this article I was curious to know if my boyfriend (of only a month now) was still active on the dating site we met on… I had deleted my profile two days after meeting humans haven’t been on since. I found myself a little nervous as I was certain my feelings would be hurt if Ii found out he was still signing in… When I searched for him it said he deleted his account. I found myself saying (or, rather, sighing) out loud: “good man!” and relief flooded over me. I think if this woman claims to be okay with the fact that her boyfriend is still online she’s fooling herself into believing that things are better than they they actually are. If he truly is “into” her… He will realize what he’s got and stop searching.
I believe there are a lot of good men who simply are naive or unaware how sensitive women are to this. If a man is focused on understanding and honoring a woman in real life, he might not immediately understand the significance of what closing a computer account means to her, because, perhaps, his mind is past the computer stage and onto the real one. To a man like that, it might only be a computer account that is still “active”, even if he’s past that stage, and he is not active on it. He is still a good man. He is still trying to be honorable to her, but doesn’t know how insecure or distrustful this makes her feel. She is already assuming that he is looking for a prettier, newer model before even trying to talk with him. He’s probably still busy thinking about what he wants to do with you on your next date. There are a lot of great men who deserve the benefit of the doubt. Good men who would avoid looking at other women, and genuinely want you to be happy, are most likely not going to be “shopping” for a new woman while in a relationship with you. If they are unhappy with you they would be honorable enough (or “man enough”) to talk with you and end their relationship with you before finding someone new. Ideally, women shouldn’t have to wonder about this. If they do, it just may be a misunderstanding about their fears and insecurities. He wouldn’t intentionally do something he know hurts you. Good men would want their woman to feel secure, but he can’t fix something he doesn’t know about, and being accused of something he didn’t do is very hurtful to him. Her own fear and distrust of him then leads to his own increased fear and distrust of her, and that not-so-happy, super-insane cycle thing starts spinning.
I once heard the great saying that “Love accurately applies truth to self before applying truth to others.”
I think this saying can help us (me) before holding others accountable for our own personal fears and insecurities. When we are responsible for our own insecurities first, we then help others to understand and choose to become responsible for their own problems (words/actions/sins/mistakes). We won’t be trying to hold others accountable to something that was never their problem, but our own. Love and truth correctly divides between them and the stupid cycle is avoided.
Just another thought from a man’s perspective.
I hope women don’t hate me for saying this, but I think she should start the conversation with two apologies: 1) “I’m sorry for ‘snooping’ on you, and 2) “I’m sorry for still having my OWN account still open.
THEN get into the conversation and talk about how committed the both of you are and where to go from here…
(is it okay that I used “still” two times twice in one sentence a second time?)
This has happened to me recently. My profile on the online site is blocked, no one can look at it at all. His however, is not, althought, his is not active in the sense that he can check past emails or unread emails or email other people, it is a visable profile to others and others can email him, he would have to pay again in order to read those emails and reply. I didn’t check up on him daily, but recently we have been having more conflict in our relationship (talking a year and a half, dating 13 months). I have trust issues from a past relationship where the guy was anything but honest. I am aware of those issues and try to keep them from projecting onto my current boyfriend. However, I also wanted to know if he was getting on the site. I checked once and he had recently been on the site. When I confronted him about it, he said he was testing me that he wanted to know if I trusted him and if I hadn’t said anything in a few weeks he would have told me. I don’t know what to think about that answer and him doing that made me want to check the site a lot more. So I have and he has been on 3 more times without telling me about those. When I finally couldn’t take it anymore I asked him and his response was my computer has an automatic login and it just randomly logs in and that he wasn’t intentionally loging into the site. I don’t know whether I should believe that or not. Thoughts, advice, comments would be appreciated.
As a woman who has trust issues I really appreciate a man who is thoughtful and recognizes that I have a defense mechanism from my past that I employ to keep myself from getting hurt again, it may not be right, but it’s there and it is only through love, honesty, and patience that I will ever be able to overcome that issue. A man who is mindful of that and chooses to not do things that will make me question him is very much appreciated. If I had checked the site and he hadn’t been on at all, it would have made me feel more secure and confident in him and our relationship.
My first thought was, “What a —-!” Followed up by, “Well, how does she know he’s logging on?” Then my imagination went to that scenario where both of them are worried and insecure because they keep logging in to check on the other one, sitting beside each other at a cafe, both of them wanting to ask but keeping their mouths shut in fear.
But that’s just my imagination.
@AronDarling’s advice seems spot on.
Communication is key. If you can’t ask him about it- I’m gonna go mayyyyyybeeeee communication is an issue?
However, the guy responses. Hilarious and made my day.
I met my husband on a dating website while he was dating someone else .Obviously, being on a dating website, i was working with the assumption that he was single, and he never clarified, and it all ended pretty disasterously when it was all found out. We both dumped him, and his web of lies was revealed to his family and friends. Two years later we became friends, worked on some trust issues, fell in love again and got married. He’s not a fan of the story being shared, because its his biggest regret and he feels great shame about it, but the fact is that he met his wife because he didn’t stop checking his dating profile while he was dating someone. He says he realises now it was because he wasn’t satisfied in that relationship and was looking for a way out, and never had the courage to end it. I asked my husband about this situation and he said that while he’s still checking it, he’s still open to the possibility of someone else. He should be confronted and it should be discussed openly and honestly and she needs to be brave enough to admit that maybe this isn’t the relationship for her. If her own account is still open, then she probably needs to ask herself the same questions about her commitment to the relationship.
perhaps i shared too much of my own relationship history
Thank you for sharing history. I met someone online. It’s a long story, but it is comforting knowing someone else has gone through the same things.
Aron (@AronDarling) thinks...
I would confront him humbly over coffee and at a place you are both comfortable; it is decision time, he is either in or he is out. By the way you asked the question, you are already emotionally attached, he may not be. This needs to be communicated ASAP so you can move forward or begin the recovery process.
My Favorite Answer:
‘He’s waiting for Joy to appear on the page.’
Oh do I long for that day; Joy within 30 miles of Southern California. Shoot I would increase my radius to 120 for Joy. 🙂
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