My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 3 months. He says he’s committed to me, but he won’t say he loves me, even though he wants to. He was in a previous relationship for 6 years so I understand he wants to be cautious and take it slow. But, c’mon…if he says he wants to say it but doesn’t say it, doesn’t that mean he doesn’t love me?
-Maria
Well, Maria, maybe he doesn’t love you; but, my guess is this has more to do with the quality of his character and his desire to make his words and his actions line up than it does with any lack of commitment on his part.
There are certain values at the heart of every woman that, when demonstrated by a good man, lets them know they are loved—more of that in the video.
It could be that he is actually trying to uphold these by being cautious.
So, tune in and be encouraged. It’s probably not as bad as you think.*
From my heart,
Joy
What do you think was going on in this situation? Have you been in something similar?
How can our different definitions of words cause misunderstanding in relationships? What can we do about it?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
“I decided that I loved him” ==> That is a great statement; it may come across as ‘UnRomantic’ to some, but as you said, It gave you the freedom to enjoy the feelings. Freedom to Love takes away fear. I found great encouragement in your post, thank you!
1John4:18; There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
I think this what is wise about the “decision” is that while the feelings most likely are necessary to be there, you are honest about the fact that they will ebb and flow and your decision will outlast the feelings that go up and down. You want your love to be lasting, not circumstantial.
What a great video; I totally respect this fella for understanding the weight of these words. Too often ‘Love’ gets thrown around between friends and those dating; then if decisions are made to end the relationship –which may be a good idea at times believe it or not– the person leaving is called a liar and often vilified.
I have put some boundaries like this in my life; things from holding hands, kissing and/or “I Love You” will not happen until way down the road, to protect us both as I melt and long for physical contact. Example given here of 15 months would just about the right amount of time I think; I may be wrong — it has happened once before — but I would totally consider that a safe amount of time. With much intentional communication, your someone can still be comforted without specific words being spoken. This is where understanding how your someone likes to be loved, words may never even need to be spoken. COUPLES is totally awesome!
$0.02 ==> I have a friend who waited over four years for her boyfriend to say “I Love You” and it never happened. He broke it off and moved away shortly there after. Be careful out there folks; some people want to date just to have someone around, which is selfish and very self centered.
Appreciate your warnings to be careful. From past posts it seems like you’ve been through a lot! Obviously we don’t want to function in fear or project the past onto the future, but setting boundaries for what we know is wise for us and honoring to the other is wise! My hope is you don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be perfect! Hopefully the women you date will see and admire you for your intentions and heart- which I can tell is striving to serve them well. Keep it up and thanks for your contribution!
I’ve never told anyone that I loved them romantically. I love a lot of people and am not afraid to let them know it. But those words in that context are special, and I’m not going to waste them. I respect what this guy did. And I think it’s awesome that they’re now engaged!
Do you love me Julie? That’s the question.
Ha! Absolutely. But if you loved me, you’d know that 😉
Loved this post! I feel like as women, we long for love and affection so much that sometimes it’s easy to try and rush it or force it. You always hear stories of women giving their men ultimatums like, “if you love me you’ll propose to me or I’m leaving you.” (a bit extreme, but it happens) I loved what you said about how easy it is for him to say “i love you,” but do his actions prove that? I agree that this woman should be patient. Love is not something you ever want to rush.
On a side note, I was a bit distracted by the menu item that was bacon, peanut butter, sriracha, and a fried egg. WHAT IS THAT? It sounds so interesting I feel like I need to try it!
This is such a great conversation, Joy.
I dated a guy in college for just a few short months who was a major manipulator. Long story short, I regretted saying “I love you” to a man who I didn’t actually love. Based on that relationship I made a commitment to better understand the words I LOVE YOU before using them again. To me, I LOVE YOU is tied to commitment, and I decided I didn’t want to use the phrase unless the relationship was headed towards marriage. Jonathan and I dated over two years before we said the words to each other. All that to say, I think your advice is sound and wise!
Joy, thanks so much for all your posts. This one was one of my favoite ask Joys, but I love all of the posts on here. LRN is such an encouragement to me. Thanks 🙂
Bethany thinks...
Smart guy! So happy for her!
In my first relationship in high school, we both said I love you. I tried to base it on a spiritual definition – wanting what is best for the other person – but that was really hard to pin down, so ultimately I said it based on feelings.
After that relationship ended, I had the same thought that you hypothesize about – how can I mean “I love you” and then break up with a guy? So I decided that I would never say it unless I knew I wanted to marry the man. Tying the words to a concrete decision gave me a lot more security and self-awareness than tying them to a feeling.
Three boyfriends later, I found one I wanted to marry, so I decided that I loved him and waited for him to say it first. We both said “I love you” on Christmas Day, 2008. A little over a year later, we got married.
Does it sound unromantic to say “I decided that I loved him”? I guess it does. But for me it gave me the freedom to enjoy the feelings without worrying about what would happen if they went away.
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