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I know Blair from the streets. We used to hoop it up on Saturday mornings in our SE Portland hood.
And by hoop it up I mean we would play H.O.R.S.E. or I would run around and try to set picks and do a lot of screaming.
Lately, we’ve been having hoop dreams. We plan to put the high tops back on their respective feet and intimidate the 9 year-olds who have taken over our courts; but until then, get to know my friend, Blair…
Baller and writer.
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When I was in fifth grade, I had a VHS copy of a movie called “Rising Stars of the NBA.” It featured ten-minute profiles of young stars such as Grant Hill, Kevin Garnett, and Kobe Bryant. Like many boys that age, I wanted–and fully expected–to play in the NBA. I would watch those videos over and over, imagining it was me on the screen. For all the times I watched that video, I have only vague memories of the actual film, but I clearly remember what the description on the back said:
“Every boy’s dream is to play in the NBA but for most it will always remain just a dream. Rising Stars of the NBA highlights the best of a new generation of Basketball players, the best of the few who did the impossible and achieved their dream.”
Cringe-worthy copy.
Still those words spanked me with the reality of my own limitations. It’s not fun or glamorous; it’s a ringing in your ears that makes you want to bang your head against the wall.
And we spend a good portion of our lives trying to scratch that infinite itch.
I had a lightbulb moment on a drive home from work about three weeks after a break up. I remember thinking that I didn’t actually miss the girl I had been dating, just the relationship and the self-esteem that seemed to have vanished with it. As I healed over time and prepared for the possibility of a new relationship, I continued to think about that time in the car and what it suggested about my motivations.
I began to suspect that unless I was able to find a way to fall for a person, instead of a relationship, I would never be able to receive or give any kind of meaningful love.
These threads all came together while I was on a walk in my neighborhood. Something was missing inside me, some inadequacy, some sort of limitation that gnawed at me. Life wasn’t what I expected as a child; dreams don’t always come true and when they do, they can be miserable.
All the romantic poets that I read in high school had ingrained in me that life was bliss when you’ve met your true love–jet lag is a thing of the past and mosquito bites induce a contemplative euphoria. But as I walked down the sidewalk, dodging spiders that were hanging from the trees, I remembered a quote by Einstein, “No problem can be solved by the same level of consciousness that created it.” I realized that these kinds of feelings and experiences are human and I was expecting another person to solve my problem and make me perfect.
No human can do that.
Once I had this epiphany, I noticed a sudden flagging in my desire to be in a relationship. Girlfriends are a lot of work. They cost money and time; they cause emotional turmoil. With the illusion of benefit dispelled for the first time in my life, I didn’t want to be in a relationship.
Ironically, I started dating my fiancée a couple months later. Would our relationship have lasted if I hadn’t come to this epiphany? Who knows. But I will say from the beginning something was different:
For the first time, I didn’t want a relationship, I wanted a person.
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Have you ever fallen for the illusion of a relationship instead of the reality of a person?
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Stay Connected
Don't leave just yet. Besides these articles, sometimes I send out extra special stuff. Don't miss out. Sign up here.
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
This post is so what I needed to read today. The line “I realized that these kinds of feelings and experiences are human and I was expecting another person to solve my problem and make me perfect.” really hit home.
Val thinks...
I’ve never worked with Blair, but DC Jacobson is my go-to recommendation for authors here in Chicago who are looking for an agent. So cool to see one of them on your blog, Joy! This was an especially good post. Thanks!
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