I had lunch with a couple guy friends this week. One was a thirty-something year old bass player who had his first relationship a couple years ago. He had focused on school and music for many years. As a Christian he believed the Lord would bring him the right woman when the time came.
After reaching thirty and having zero dating experience with no woman on the horizon, he started to question if he had made the right choice.
Where is the wife he trusted God to provide? Were his standards for women too high? Were his expectations for God too big?
Another guy I know of, who is in his thirties, waited on dating while he focused on his highly successful career. It entailed years of schooling, and now he’s wondering where are all the women who share his faith? He feels while he was pursuing his calling, he missed out. He feels like he trusted God to provide and now he desperately wants to be married but there are no women around.
He wonders why he waited.
Where is the wife he trusted God to provide? Were his standards for women too high? Were his expectations for God too big?
Both of these men have now opened the door to dating women who, possibly years ago they wouldn’t have entertained. Mr. Success is dating a girl of a different faith, and Mr. Musician dated a girl who had just gotten out of a serious and unhealthy relationship, but looked to him for help. Long distance ended things with her and now he is entertaining the idea of a divorced mother of two who he has befriended and whose faith is “yet to be determined.”
I salute these guys for trusting God for so many years, and I commend their motivation in now being open and not expecting God to deliver a bride like a stork. But what’s really going on here?
Guess what!?
The SAME thing is being voiced from women. I could list multiple friends of mine in their thirties who are asking God the same questions.
What was interesting about my conversation with the musician was how he described his reasons for being attracted to these two women. He said a number of times that it was “something in their eyes.”
He also said he hasn’t seen that look in Christian women’s eyes.
“Ok, I’ll switch mascaras. How’s that?”
I asked Mr. Musician if he could describe the look in a word. He had a tough time and finally said with a bit of hesitancy. “Need…?”
Exactly in line with what I thought he would say. Earlier in the week I had conversations with two guys.
a) One who told me he knows what he wants in a woman, but is drawn to women who have issues so he can “change their life.”
b) The other guy told me that he would probably be more interested in me if I “had more problems.”
Awesome. Obviously he doesn’t know about my addiction to eating toilet paper.
We aren’t perfect, and anyone we date or marry won’t be perfect. Grace must be given. But to only be attracted to people who we can fix, really isn’t chivalrous, it’s actually selfish.
We want to be a savior, not a partner.
I see both guys and girls doing this, myself included. It feels good to help someone and we should always be looking to serve others…but in relationship, is it for us or for them? It’s a fine line.
Men: Your desire to serve a woman who needs you is honorable, valuable and needed.
Keep in mind: Christian women have been taught to find their identity in Christ. What if it has been so ingrained in them to be careful with how they dress, flirt and lead men on, that it has affected the way they look at you…for now?
Then there is the women who attracts you. What if her look which appears to be “need,” is actually a “need for God?”
Of course it feels nice to be needed, not to mention being seen as someone’s savior. But how will that play out long term? It may feel great at first to be someone’s rescuer…but…
…you will also be their fall guy. When you screw up, or let them down, they have nothing to hold onto and only you to blame.
In a healthy relationship, where both parties identity is in Christ, the man will have an opportunity to serve and protect. And I can tell you men, you will be very needed by your wives, just as you will need her. You may not see it right away in her eyes, but that also may be because her gaze is currently upon Him.
________
Have you felt like your expectations were too high? Not high enough? How has that affected your perception of God knowing the desires of our heart?
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great post, joy! i think there's a balance somewhere between lowering your standards to "settle" for someone, and seeking perfection in a human. all humans are sinful, so we'll never find someone who is perfect… but that's where GRACE comes in — we should choose to love someone *including* all of their flaws. not to say that we should lower our standards by any means, but to find a fellow believer who is willing to be changed by God and has the holy spirit living inside him…
well done joy. and i though i was the only one who ate toilet paper.
Hi Joy –
Great thoughts here.
Can I ask for clarification on what you mean by "What if it has been so ingrained in them to be careful with how they dress, flirt and lead men on, that is has affected how they look at you…for now?"
I personally have high standards that have come from my experiences with past relationships. Are they too high? Maybe, for now. Have they changed over the years? Absolutely. I don't believe in "waiting for the one", but I also don't believe in just taking anyone.
JD
I hope this post didn't portray me asking people to lower their standards. I guess the idea was look harder. (-:
What I meant by that quote John, was this: there are women whose #1 focus is God, and there are women whose #1 focus is not God.
A woman whose focus is on God and has been taught to "guard her heart" may ("may" implying that not all women are this way) come across as more closed off and less in need or desirous of a man. (Or she may actually believe she doesn't need a man since we have this "God as lover syndrome" which I don't think is too healthy either…)
The "for now" statement is implying that while more closed off now, later, when a woman is assured she is going to be in relationship with that man, her look should change. A look allowing that man to feel needed which can be attractive for most men.
My theory was that because women who have God as their focus "may" be guarding their hearts a little too much, it could be difficult for Christian men to feel needed, wanted or desired. If a man doesn't feel that, he probably will be more attracted to a woman who WILL look at him that way–often making him God.
(I am not making blanket statements about all women and men…just some specific scenarios I had seen lately)
How "free" should she become? What should a woman's look be like? What should men be attracted to? I am not sure…it is different for everyone.
But a start could be this: Women, if you are so fearful of leading a man on, and guarding your heart to the point of neglecting to encourage the men in your life, and tell them how they add value to your life…leave that up to God, and give it a shot. You never know who may become attractive to you once you start pointing out their positive qualities.
Men, maybe try getting to know those girls that everyone says "shes a great girl" even if you don't get a "feeling" around her. Start asking the women in your life questions. They may start becoming more attractive then you think. And hey, when you ask a girl questions…she will probably look at you.
Just some suggestions…it's hard to do that since everyone has such unique situations, but I hope that helps you understand my thought process for this particular blog.
Thanks!
Joy –
Thanks for the clarification. That is what I thought you meant, but I wasn't exactly sure!
I appreciate that you validate that men have a need to feel wanted, and that "need" is not a bad thing! Also great that you mention that it is possible to guard your heart *too* much. I've found it true that girls (instead of women, as I think women have this in balance) who are so focused on "guarding their heart" often come across more as closed off to a relationship, and honestly that is unattractive to me as a male.
I appreciate your thoughts on your blog here!
As a woman, it sometimes feels as though we’re walking this tightrope between need and neediness. Our whole lives our girlfriends and moms have lectured us and told horror stories of needy girls–horrible stories that end up with a sweatpant wearing, cat loving, tv dinner eating single woman. Movies make fun of the needy woman and exalt the sexy independent one. In the last relationship I was in, my boyfriend told me that he needed to feel more needed–I felt more confused. I was trying to keep my priorty in need the Lord, but it didnt’ seem enough for my boyfriend. I did need him, but he wanted me to need him in ways that I couldn’t unless I had a commitment from him. Thoughts, guys? Gals? Yoda Joy?
My thoughts are that you are right Erin. It’s a hard, fine line we must all walk–it’s difficult, but it takes really getting to know someone and trying to understand who they are and what they need…and then figuring out how we can best meet those needs without giving away too much of ourselves before a “commitment” is made and that person is with you for life. This is where wise counsel, checking our motives, and thoughtful sincere prayer is the thing that will hopefully help us make wise decision in this difficult space of “dating.”
It is ok (and good) to voice to someone where you feel you must practice restraint now and how it will change later.
I am reaching an age where I feel like all I am doing is waiting, waiting, waiting as well! But reading this I thought, “I don’t want someone who needs saving! I want someone who (for the most part) has it together!” I know only Christ can save…and I also know if a man isn’t taking care of himself and his own life, he certainly can’t take care of me.
I’ve been married to the same guy for 13 years. He’s an alcoholic – last night he threatened to “hIt me so hard that it would ultimately kill me and he wouldn’t mind spending time in jail for doing it”! Watch out who you date!
Julie, you need to go to the police or a woman’s shelter – you are obviously in an unsafe situation if this is what your husband is threatening.
GREAT THOUGHTS, Joy! Sharing this post with the Future Marriage University (FMU) community at https://www.facebook.com/FMUniversity.
And I sure wish those guy friends of yours would read this post I wrote just recently. It touches on our desire to play God: http://f-m-u.com/Blog/marriage/.
Maybe these guys should have spent more time getting emotionally and spiritually healthy during those years of no dating. Being attracted to a person for their neediness is not healthy. When they learn to look past a woman’s eyes to her heart and her soul, maybe then they’ll find one of us women who are looking for a man who is solid and secure to create an awesome partnership with.
annie thinks...
oh joy, i loved this. and i love you.
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