You should probably read this first: PART I (if you don’t, your computer will implode…)
Speaking on singleness is not something that makes me jump up and click my heels together. I enjoy talking about relationships…broken or functioning…but staring at singleness right in the face is not my idea of fun.
Even 12 hours before I was supposed to speak to a group of pastors and church leaders, I looked my dad directly in the face and said, “I do NOT want to do this.”
“You don’t have to Joy,” he said.
Those words were so freeing. I don’t have to do this. I don’t have to talk about relationships, I don’t have to talk about being single and my eggs drying up and I don’t have to write or read about it either. But then I realized that I have chosen to do this because I am passionate about relationships. And if I am passionate about relationships, then I need to be passionate about the reality that many people in my generation, myself included, are currently in…the state of being single.
Since I know many people feel fantastic about being single and have no intention of getting married anytime soon, I always try to be careful and give a gazillion caveats and let everyone know I am making generalizations based on readings, interviews and observations. I know there are exceptions. If you disagree with anything I am saying, make sure you disagree with the majority and not your singular personal experience.
And like I said to the pastors and leaders, “Don’t get your panties in a bunch.”
(I seriously don’t remember what context I said it in, but back in the office on Tuesday I had a flashback…and then a hot flash. Why in the world did I say that? I just remember it coming out and then desperately wanting to reach out and grab it before it hit their ears. Too late.)
I encouraged the leaders and pastors to understand, challenge and come along side us in four different areas.
As I mentioned in part one of the blog, by serving I believe singles (or anyone who feels excluded) will be less apt to be cynical and start to feel a part of the church family. The results from my interviews proved my point, but differently than I had thought. I thought I would get a ton of finger pointing critics, but most of the people I interviewed are invested in their church, so they were actually quite positive about the church’s purpose and role in their life.
They were wise, realistic and had good insight. I could tell most of them don’t necessarily feel excluded because they serve and include themselves. They realize the churches role is not to fix them but to guide them. So often even good hearted pastors and church staff miss this point. They deeply desire to love people and usually have the amazing gift of being pastoral, so they can forget Christ is the only one who can truly help and heal their people.
So what is my conclusion? A good majority of churches love people and in loving people try to fix them with a program. A good majority of single people are sensitive (consciously or sub-consciously) to the fact that they aren’t married and since church can be a reminder of marriage and family, they want to fix the church and tell them how to treat single people.
Oh Joy…that answer is so simplistic.
But it’s true. If we don’t make Jesus the focus and realize we have a purpose beyond our own life’s story to tell HIS story, then whether you are single, married, widowed or divorced…you will be left hopeless. As single people, we are usually left to look at our own life…and since most of us want to be in relationship we have to deal with this reality by:
1) Convincing ourselves that we love being single which can be easy when so many of our peers are in the same boat.
Or…
2) Blaming the church. Some say it puts too much value on marriage and we feel excluded, while others say it is to blame for not teaching us more about marriage and how to navigate relationships.
To explain why these reactions might be there, I made the simple analogy of sensitivity being like the reaction when someone touches a hot stove. The body reacts before it even has time to consciously think.
Yes. I essentially called us singles a group of sensitive reactionaries.
(Are you reacting?)
I am sensitive.
Listen, I enjoy so much of what it means to be single today and I can assure you that my status or sensitivity in life does not handicap me. If anything, being single frees me to do more “fun” things than I would do with a few ankle biters running around.
My strength is finally admitting I am sensitive. That’s because I have realized that being sensitive is ok. Somehow I think we have associated sensitivity to weakness. And yet, I think sensitivity can simply be a heightened awareness to reality.
How we respond to that awareness and reality is key. Reality is reality. It doesn’t mean our reality makes us more or less than another person. It doesn’t make us weaker or stronger. It doesn’t make God more good or less good.
And that is where belief comes into play…which is what I was shooting to talk about in this blog…but since I am already at 900+ words (and I rarely read a blog longer than that)…I guess I’ll just have to make a part three…
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Do you agree with where I am headed? Are you unclear where I am headed?
Am I being too simplistic…too “Christian-y” in my answer? Unsympathetic to church leaders? Unsympathetic to singles?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
Oh blast! put it on the wrong post! what an idiot:)
I have the power to remove these comments, but the fact that you are from 1923 and say “Oh Blast” makes me laugh, so I kept it. Thank you for the encouragement!
his earlobes gives me the creeps. just sayin.
As an almost 60 year old single woman, I’ve had a lot of experience being … single! Things haven’t changed since I was 25, or 30, or 40. I’m still lonely sometimes, I love being single a lot of the time, the church doesn’t understand me sometimes, etc. etc., But whether one likes their singleness or not, it is still easy to blame the church for not meeting “my needs.” And the church does ignore the single population a lot of the time in lieu of a fancy family program. But profoundly accurate in this blog is your conclusion: “Both have a greater purpose beyond fixing each other. That purpose is Jesus.” It is true – we all have “needs.” But Satan wants us married, single, purple, or green to focus on ourself and miss the real reason for living … Jesus and making Him known. My question is, how do we (singles (by every definition), marrieds, get everyone on the same journey and truly focus on Jesus and making Him known?
You are a very gifted writer, Joy, and I am sure you are an amazing speaker, too! Please tell your parents I send my love!
Barb
I told my mother you said hi and she said to say hi back and they love getting the UPI updates and have fond memories of spending time with you both! Thank you so much for your encouragement to me.
Some say, “My perception is my reality.” In that case, the idea that being single stinks and it’s all the church’s fault is reality. HOWEVER, as one whose desire is to chase after Jesus, then the idea that “MY perception is MY reality” is rather self centered and my attempt to blame the church for not training me better is just a poor attempt to act like a child, and reveals that I have taken my eyes off Jesus and his ultimate purpose for my life. (That purpose: to know Him and to make Him known to those in my world.) I totallly agree with your statement, “Reality is reality. It doesn’t mean our reality makes us more or less than another person. It doesn’t make us weaker or stronger. It doesn’t make God more good or less good.” It seems it would do us all good – married or single – to keep this in mind.
Joy, thanks for your awesome blog!
I think it’s only fairly recently in history that the Christian community has changed its opinion on this area of life. Across the board, families used to actively search for a spouse for their children, and even the community at large would often play a part in helping young people find a life partner, for the sake of having more Godly families, for purity, and for so many other wonderful reasons. It’s sad to see how we have recently lost this beautiful and essential part of what it means to be family and community for each other.
Marriage–and marriage while we are young–is clearly God’s plan. While we obviously don’t argue with God if He directs a specific person, including each of us, differently, we know that it is He who has given these beautiful dreams and passions, as well as the simple need for a lifetime companion, and He Himself has clearly said that “It is not good for them to be alone.” That is why I search for a wife, and why I believe that “the man who finds a wife finds something good.”
These are hard topics, though, and I commend you for blessing others by thinking through them with such depth.
God bless!
Joann – “how do we get everyone on the same journey of making him known?” …I have been thinking that one of the reasons we aren’t on that same journey is because we have strayed from looking at what we believe and living it, to creating “fancy programs” as you said. Programs and structure can be good–but if they start being something “for us to do” rather than something we “do as a result of our belief,” then we will sadly be on different journeys because it becomes about us getting from the church as oppose to us being the church because we believe.
Tim – Thanks for stopping by my site! I will check yours out as well.
-“And yet, I think sensitivity can simply be a heightened awareness to reality.”
So well put! Thanks for the great insight on singleness and the church. You named what I’ve been feeling and thinking for awhile. Keep writing. This stuff is good.
I definitely understand this direction your heading with this! I thought I was the only one that felt that way. I wouldn’t say I’m mad or negative about churches at all, but being out of or almost out of college and still single is sometimes a really awkward stage to be in at church when it feels like EVERYONE else is married/engaged/pregnant. Is there part 3? I’ll have to look for it..
Hayley thinks...
Keep pointing people to wise counsel and scripture, and important to note wise council are people that point us to scripture.
I SO enjoy your Ask Joy’s because it is wisdom not fluff. It is a direct correlation to being grounded in the word that you are able to speak wisdom, so thank you!
And…get to SB. ASAP. That’s all…
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