It feels like many people I talk to have already given their heart away once. And for those who haven’t, they are scared to open that door because of the pain they have seen their friends endure. With an increasing delay of marriage and an increase of serious relationships prior, I believe our generation is going to relate on the topic of “lost loves” far more than past generations. Something that can be tempting to create an identity around.
Let me explain…
Many of us know that we got out of a relationship for one reason or another, but I think whether it’s private or public, going back to that place where we had someone, can be a source of feeling for us. Good feeling or bad feeling, sometimes it just feels good to mentally and emotionally feel something. So we think about what was.
It can be a really fine line when we start to go back to those places. On one side of the line, we can have an introspective reality check. What did and did not work, why we left, or they left, why there was pain, misunderstanding, distrust, etc. It may be hard going to those places that unlock frustration and hurt, but it can be a very good learning experience.
The other side of that fine line is when we neglect to remember the pain and the reasons it ended. This often happens when people inquire about our past dating relationships. It can be easy to find this weird identity and comfort in being able to express that we “almost got married” or “we dated for five years.”
Why do these facts hold value and identity to us? Yes, they are a part of our story…but are they something more? What is it about us that needs to let people know we were loved? Or for those of us who haven’t loved, do we find a label in our “perfectly untainted” identity?
Not everyone finds safety in a past identity or label, but many do struggle with this…
When we love someone fully and years later are hung up on the fact that we “already gave our heart away,” this can definitely keep us in a stagnant place. But that stagnant place can feel very safe because we can sub-consciously live off of our feelings of “what was.”
But wait…is that just a romantic idealistic cop out? Do we say, “I can’t give my heart away again,” because we really don’t think our hearts could be “gotten back,” or because it’s safer to not risk? Or have we just let certain identities play too large of a role in our life?
Many of us identify with the term “gave my heart away” because it truly feels that way. But is that true? Is it Biblical? Do we have to stay in this place just because it feels so incredibly real? I think the role of past identities can rear it’s ugly head for single people, but perhaps even more so for married people.
I predict for people who do get married, this will be a great area of temptation. As I said before, many of us will enter into a marriage having had maybe a few serious relationships. In marriage, if things don’t always go smoothly (and single or married life is never smooth), it will be very tempting to go back and idealize lost loves and be dissatisfied with who we have chosen to do life.
My guess is that God did not originally design for us to become one with more than one person. Sexually or emotionally. The reality is, we generally do. If you have ever connected with someone and then it ended, you know that it can be very emotional…almost a severing of an appendage. Even now, if we are not careful, I am sure it’s possible to take oneself back to the feelings of a past relationship and remember who we were in that. It can unlock a lot. It can make us feel.
Many of us find our hope in Christ and know our identity is supposed to be in him as well. So why does the power of identifying with another human being feel so much stronger at times? Sometimes we hold onto the identity of the past because it feels real, not because it’s right. Feelings feel safe because they remind us we are alive.
So the question is, are we going to live a life that constantly searches for feelings to identify we exist, or are we going to exist as we search and live a life of purpose? It seems to me that when we let feelings be a stronger guide than purpose, then we let humanity identify us. But if we let purpose be a stronger guide than our feelings, then hopefully as a Christian, our identity will be founded in Christ…because He is our purpose.
For me to re-frame my feelings and identity, I have to be realistic and say to myself…
1) We live in a broken world. My heart will break. These feelings are not abnormal to God.
2) As a single person, what am I holding onto that will prevent me from loving and trusting again? Where do I find safety?
3) As a married person, what am I doing to make sure I don’t let my heart wander back into past loves?
What do you identify yourself with that makes you feel safe?
Do you run from heartache or live off of heartache because it’s the only way you feel alive?
What is your purpose in life?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
Val – Thank you once again for your kind words and thoughts on my post. You speak so eloquently and show that you observe life in a very active, thoughtful way. Would you ever be interested in tackling some of the Ask Joy’s with me? I am thinking about doing some as written responses in addition to my videos. Maybe we could collaborate? You have much wisdom my friend.
Sure! I could do so at least occasionally. I’m flattered!
Your blog is a great catalyst for good conversations. I wish I had such a gift for facilitation! 🙂
I’m wrestling through a lot of these questions right now after a recent breakup.
For myself, a lot of my feelings get wrapped up in expectations. A large part of who I am is future-oriented, and so I get wrapped up in a vision of where I think the relationship is going. All the while, I’m miles ahead of the person I with, who isn’t sharing the same expectations, and the feelings that come with it.
I’m also finding that I have a long ways to go in regards to identity. The ‘In Christ’ understanding of ourselves sounds great, but that’s all it is to me at this point – something that sounds great, versus an identity out of which I’m living.
It’s becoming very obvious to me that my relationships – love interested or not – are far more important to me than my relationship with God. Let’s call that what it is – Idolatry. But it’s so much easier to invest in someone I can experience with my five senses. When they reciprocate, I know it in a very tangible way.
I’ve got a couple questions to keep the conversation going…
* This has already been hinted at, but specifically, what have you learned about working through Cynicism about relationships?
* What obstacles stand in the way to your identity as a person who is ‘in Christ?’
Andy – Sorry to hear about the break up! Thanks for sharing where you are at right now. Ok…so my quick thoughts to your questions (but I hope others join in).
I think I would combine my thoughts to both of your questions and say that cynicism is a natural by-product of pain. It’s a guard and a wall. If we are cynical of something or can criticize something first, then it’s less likely that it will hurt or affect us.
Cynicism, while understandable, can be a big obstacle in the way of finding our identity in Christ. Because it shows our lack of security in the hope we have in Him. The hope that this life (pain & heartache) is temporary.
Finding our identity in Christ will probably never minimize the pain of a break up. But how we move forward after that break up (either cynicism or being realistic that there is pain if we give love a shot) will reflect where we are putting our identity.
Right now I started envisioning a pendulum. With Christ being in the middle. Life (mankind) will cause the pendulum to swing to the extremes but there are certain truths and guidelines of scripture that will pull us back towards the center.
But like I said, I don’t think the pain will ever lessen…I just think Truth will give us rest in that pain.
What do you think? Sorry you are hurting…and I totally relate to all that you said…I’ve been there.
I know you know. And… I can give him a swift kick in the crotch anytime you need a vendetta.
Sorry to bring down the credibility of your website with my comments.
Seriously though, I think the real longing comes from the fact that I’m missing some sort of experiential level of connection with God. Knowledge, Discipline, Community… those things are pretty consistent in my pursuit of God, but I’m wanting something more. And I find at least a taste of that ‘something more’ with a flesh-and-blood person. The cynicism is more about whether or not I’m ever going to experience that with God.
And finally, I think Sr. Mumf says it best…
There will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears//
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears//
Boom.
Boom indeed.
joy (and others) i really loved this post, and it hit a nerve in me that i’ve been finding open and tender lately, as much as i’ve tried to keep it covered.
i haven’t had any serious relationships really…um…ever. and i think, for me, after so many years of hoping for that “someday,” i slowly…slowly closed myself up, closed myself off, because it was easier than hoping. it felt safe. being vulnerable was scary and painful and…disappointing.
recently i’ve been trying to be more open. to be vulnerable in my hope, in my trust. and i agree with what andy says about everything in human connection being, i don’t know, sort of a microcosmic little dance of the bigger relationship we have with God. (at least i think that’s what he/she’s saying. i could be putting words in his/her mouth. you know i like to do that, joy).
i like the idea of looking at my interactions with humans and seeing it as a litmus test for how i’m interacting with god. am i allowing myself to be open to pain and disappointment? or am i being “safe?” am i allowing my heart to grow in trust and hope–through the hurt—or am i just settling for the lowest risk probability?
for me i guess it’s cynicism masquerading as pride: my belief that what I want/envision/dream/plan is better than what god wants/envisions/dreams/plans.
how do i change that? that’s what i’m thinking about these days.
I am going to have my older boys read this. What great insight from a “peer”.
Andy – “Get over your hill and see what you find there…”
I like what you said and I think it’s dead on. I think sometimes when we have felt so deeply with a human being we poject those feelings as reality. Then when we want to connect with God and our feelings are not as strong as they have been with a human we doubt our connection with Him.
You and I both know that God is not a human that we tangibly interact with. If feelings become the basis of how we gauge intimacy, then I don’t think we will feel close to God all the time.
If our identity and “label” will be placed on the things we identify ourselves with by how we feel….then our feelings (which can be wrong even though they are real) can make us doubt the identity we strive for. So then how do we gauge where our identity lies? Not really sure.
Maybe it’s the tangible path that we take to get over our hills. At that point, maybe we will see?
Annie – Andy is a he. (-: Also, I think there should probably be some rule about citing your own blog posts on your blog…but…this post https://www.loveandrespectnow.com/?p=1858 deals with some of the questions you asked. (I hope.) I don’t think your fears will necessarily go away, and I don’t think it’s impossible to not get hurt (you know this), but what we can do is replace lies and fears with the Truth of scripture. I believe that holds power.
A bible teacher said something to the effect of, “you can’t just say you are over something or you forgive someone, or you shouldn’t feel a certain way until you are ready to replace those things with truth.” Otherwise we just suppress or deny our fears or…as you admitted…get cynical.
I think dwelling on the Truth of scripture (which lately has been pointing out to me that we were NOT given spirits of fear) helps us ask the question…”If life doesn’t go how I planned, will I still trust that God is good.”
Once we can answer that question, I think there is a peace that helps us move forward and move on. But it doesn’t necessarily minimize the pain that we will experience in this broken world. Hope the random stream of thought answer makes sense!
Thoughts??
Tiffany – Thanks for passing it on and the encouragement!
Joy you are so great! I feel like you are inside my head/heart and that you are writing directly to me. I really see God using you in amazing ways and you are a blessing to me for sure!!!!
Two months or so ago my fiance left me and I was at a very low point in my life. Realizing how much I was relying on my fiance as opposed to my relationship with God. It is so easy for us to find our indentity in who we are dating or who our friends are, but until we can see Christ as our identity, we will always fall short of our expectations. We will be dissapointed by worldly things but God will never leave us or let us down.
I went through a stage of total sadness and anger and wondering why this happened. However now (even though it was not so long ago) I can see why this happened. The person I am now compared to the person I was when we were together are very different. I can truly see God working in my life and I had never felt that before. I finally have a relationship with God and it is amazing! Had I not gone through this heart ache I don’t know if I would be where I am now. I felt so completely alone in this world. My parents are not believers, many of my friends are not and didn’t understand what I was going through, and then the only stable thing in my life (my fiance) left and I truly felt that I had nothing. But that is just like you were saying; my full identity was in worldly things and not God. Once I realized that God was there and never leaves me I have been much happier.
It is easy to turn to cynicism in relationships unless you give it to the Lord. If you put it has His feet and pray that His will be done then its easier to understand why past relationships fail. Because He has a better plan for us than we have for ourselves!
Thanks for being awesome Joy!
Keiko
Keiko – You bless me with your words! My heart hurts at your pain, but rejoices at the growth happening in the midst. I just spoke with a friend this morning about the way God shows up in our suffering. He meets us where we NEED Him and you are allowing him to do that. Never minimizes the pain, but if we open ourselves to it, we can be astounded by what we can learn and see in the midst of our suffering.
Thankful for your wisdom and perspective and perseverance. Embrace the suffering and see God. Your identity will grow. Blessings on you and your heart!!
Joy – I LOVE this post. I think that it is an aspect of relationships that we need to talk about and be aware of. It spoke right to me, as you know:)
I often wonder if I place value in the length or seriousness of a relationship because I have been told this is the way to gauge what pain or what mourning is allowable.
I walked through 2 break-ups with two different friends around the same time. For one it was a one-month dating relationship and another it was a 2-year, almost engaged break-up. Both of these friends had pain in very different ways and my tendency was to initially write one of and over-indulge the other. Looking back and even during, I realized they both needed to be pointed to Christ, to be redirected continually to find their identity. The “less serious” break up took far longer to heal from because that friend put her entire identity in male affirmation.
What I am saying is that, I think we need to also watch how we define the people around us according to their relationships. At the end of the day it is not just us that need to be found in Christ but those we interact with. When we always ask about their boyfriend/girlfriend or recent break-up it can be helpful for support and concern, but in that, we also ultimately need to push them to Truth.
I know the reason I often feel I have to give the dating stats (5 months, talked about marriage, blind side break up, etc) is because I know that is what people are looking for–because it is what I wait to hear as well.
I think this identity-driven talk can be changed simply with how we engage with one another. The way we ask questions and the way we hear answers. AND THEN answer only by leading them to Truth.
Ok friend… this is an awesome post. I have thoughts (of course)
1 – The bad news is this… I am married a second time (first one was the ex-louse)… there is something that happens in marriage that is different than a normal dating relationship (that one fleshing thing), and so to some extent, no amount of therapy and healing can ever fully extricate that past person from your life. Moral? Don’t marry Mr. Wrong! he will literally be stuck w/you forever -rather like a noose
2 – Biblically God says, “forget the former things, do not dwell on the past, see I am doing a NEW thing, do you not perceive it?” for folks who perseverate on the past, they literally CAN’T see the new thing cuz they are so focused on the past (kind of what you said above)
3 – Joy-full… you shared a lot of great advice, thoughts, insight, and intellect… so tell me how is God teaching you some of the above lessons personally? How is He stepping you beyond theory with this to personal practice?
No need to rush number three for an answer… I’ll be back 🙂
Hugs friend!
Hayley – Couldn’t have said it better myself. But again…you know that.
Jenny – Dude, thank you so much for your “thoughts” aka “wisdom from a married woman.” I love it when you comment. #2 was so true and to answer #3…well…
Recognition is the first step. I realized I was doing this and I wanted to re frame what I was doing. I had to ask myself why I held onto a label. The Lord has taught me that my feelings are “real” but not always “right.” So I can take myself back to what was…so that I can feel, but it isn’t where I want to be and it isn’t where I should be…so why do that? Re-framing my identity takes discipline. Discipline even when the feelings aren’t there. But I believe they come. I KNOW they come. That is what I am learning.
Hugs to you.
ahhhh… so you are practicing Philippians 4.8… “THINK ON these things… anything that is lovely, and admirable, and trustworthy… etc”
redirecting your thoughts to the good 🙂 Good job Joy-full! 🙂
i love the jabbawockeez. great photo choice.
Wow! My mind is totally blown away right now by God! My friend gave me your website. I’m so amazed at how God places people in my life to give me the answers for things that I cannot describe in words but feel in my heart. Your website is fantastic! Thanks Chica!
Jenny – Thanks for the scripture!
Josh – Seriously, I don’t even know what jabbawockeez are. Should I?
Amy – So happy you found my site and that the Lord used my words and heart to minister to your heart! Would love to have you keep joining the blog discussion.
Joy, I thank you so much for sharing your unique thoughts on this. I hadn’t considered this relationship identity issue as a problem until I read your post.
I can completely relate to that weird, comforting feeling of being able to say, “We were in love…we almost got married.” And it’s odd for me, because I sometimes find strange comfort in also sharing how much pain, heartache, confusion, and downright craziness took place in the relationship. Like, really crazy stuff. (See? There I go.) Almost like a “look at what I’ve been through…” But where does that come from?
There was a lot of involvement between my ex and other women. But I remember telling my counselor there’s a part of me that takes pride in the fact that, “Well, at least I’m the only one he actually got engaged to.” Maybe that’s me comparing my value to the ‘other women’, but really? Really. That’s what I take pride in?
Something’s amiss here, so thanks for getting me thinking.
All the best to you, Joy!
Joy, it’s so incredible to hear from the Spirit through how He manifests in you in wisdom and discernment. Beautiful.
The one way that I have thought about all of this that has been really life-giving and practical for me is that when bitterness comes, or when I start defining myself by what relationships I have or haven’t had, I meditate on I Corinthians 7: “An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world- how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”
If I am not married, then the option Paul presents for abundant life as a single person is to focus on the Kingdom. So when those times come that absolutely stink, I try to think about very ground level places where the Kingdom is advancing, and how I can jump in on that action. Pretty soon, I’m dwelling on how great my God is, and how loved I am as his daughter, and a lot less on who else has or hasn’t loved me. Disciplining myself to put my identity into that context has been both freeing and humbling.
Wow, there’s so much to unpack here. I’m afraid that I’m definitely living in a place similar to this.
I was in a wonderful relationship, and while it wasn’t perfect, it was very good, and there could have been a bright future. Neither of us really wanted it to end, but citizenship issues and visa issues and just timing issues brought us to the point where we realized how hard this was going to be to continue. In some ways it feels like it was something that was taken away from us, something beyond are control. That may or may not be true.
But I definitely relate to being in a stagnant place. Although to me it doesn’t seem so much “safe” as it does a “trap”. Because, to be honest, I just have a hard time painting a picture of something better than what I lost. I want to believe there is, and I want to have faith that there is, but it’s hard. And the longer you wait, the harder it can be to not dwell on what you had.
I recently been discovering that I just really don’t know how to get beyond that. I find myself wanting to go back instead of moving forward; to gain what I lost instead of striving for what is ahead. It’s not a great place to be.
In any case, this definitely challenges. Joy, I definitely appreciate your honesty and transparency. Your thoughts and writings challenge and improve me.
One of the most troubling passages for me in all of Scripture takes place in Genesis 2 — namely the creation of Eve.
Stick with me here.
Prior to Eve, Adam was in perfection – really, Eden was what heaven will be. Adam shared communion and relationship with God. They talked daily and personally. And yet, despite this intimacy, Adam’s heart longed for something more. He wasn’t complete. Why? We often say that God is all we need and to find our identity in God – and agree with that – but why then in the Garden was Adam not fully satisfied?
I’ve chewed on this for years, and where I’ve landed (somewhat) is that being created in the image of God, we are created for intimacy – both with God and with a “helpmate”. By loving someone we are in a serious relationship with (particularly a marriage relationship) we are, in a way, imitating God. That desire is actually from God.
Joy, I tend to agree with you that we were not intended to become emotionally intimate (the way serious relationships are) with more than one person. And I think this is why it hurts so bad – it goes against the fabric of how we were created. But while this may not be what God originally intended, the world we live in will force us to deal with heartbreak and heartache. Like you said, it’s a broken world.
But I think God understands us. If we are imitating God, and if we are created in God’s image, I can only imagine that God must feel pain when the ones He loves abandon Him or reject Him. I think the pain we feel when a serious relationship ends in some small way mirrors God’s pain when people turn away from Him.
I wonder if perhaps “lost love” is so hard to get over because our hearts weren’t meant to attach themselves to more than one person. And maybe there needs to be a healing process. Maybe in our moments of pain we can draw close to God, knowing that He understand our heartache and can make us whole again.
Just some thoughts. 🙂
It must be a good question if we can still get some mileage out of it a year later! In my opinion, neither running from hrtache or living in it fosters that secure identity. Revisiting the pain, the hurt, the regret, the place where the lost love/emotional entanglement is buried has its value in healing. It’s best to “…give that hurt place in your heart to God, invite Him in to bring healing and holiness.” John Eldredge “The Way of the Wild Heart” pg. 210. A brief review serves as a gauge of sorts, to shows us how far God has grown us from that point. Take the Lord’s supper (1 Corthinans 11:17-34, Acts 2:422ff, 20:5-12) for example: observed weekly as a memorial to proclaim the Lord’s death UNTIL He comes! It’s a time for self examination too. Giving place to acknowledge heartache is a godly thing.
On the other hand, lingering with the photos, feeling the mementos, turning on the songs..smelling the scent, and ruminating in that dead spot for extended periods of time or permitting your thoughts to dwell there repeatedly tends to causes problems. Living off of heartache is like setting up camp in the cemetery. Scars ache and wounds fester, forgiveness gets blocked, old lies show up to harass. Spirit is quenched. Current friends might even get tired of hearing it. Active steps to be among the living, in the “here and now” requires some purposeful intent. For some minimizing the memory triggers helps i.e. tear up, get rid of, break off, avoid, ..fill in the blank. For others, confessing specific sin and giving thanks for “the lesson learned” has it’s healing qualities too. God will bind up those broken places with holiness, just ask Him. He is good like that. Acknowledging and moving through hrtache is better than running from it or stagnating in it. The “living” still need us. Be a living sacrifice. Romans 12.
I realize this is an old post, but y’all retwittered it today and I feel the need to comment. I am an older guy (36 but I feel like 86). Fifteen and a half years ago, the love of my life left. It was difficult. I caused me pain that I didn’t know existed. At the time, I didn’t have a lot of close friends to help me through the pain, and those who were close to me didn’t know the extent of the pain because I hid it from them. I allowed the pain and circumstances of the breakup to destroy me. I slowly forgave her for the things she did, and I forgave her other boyfriend for helping her stray (I’ll leave it at that). However, I couldn’t forgive myself. I blamed myself to everything that happened and didn’t happen. The unforgiveness turned to bitterness which has eaten away at my life for the last 15+ years.
Now, I know I am a little too old for your demographic (again, 36), but I want to instill upon your community’s hearts the dangers of unforgiveness. My unwillingness to forgive myself turned to deep bitterness. I would wake up mad that I was alive and go to sleep mad that I survived the day. I hated everyone, especially myself. This has gone on for over 15 years! I have contemplated suicide. I’m ashamed to say I have attempted it a couple of times. I have been put on anti-depressants. I have lost most of my friends because I won’t allow close relationships. The bitterness is a killer.
To focus this rant onto the topic of love, Ephesians 5:33 says that men are supposed to love their wives as he loves himself. Men, if you are harboring hatred toward yourself through unforgiveness it will be extended toward your wife. You cannot fully love your wife as she deserves if you are harboring bitterness and hatred toward yourself. Andy Andrews wrote, “It is impossible to fight an enemy that has a fort in your head. The only possible solution is to destroy the fort. Forgive yourself. Now.” (Mastering the Seven Decisions)
Hopefully, no one else is at the extreme I was at. Whether you are or not, however, I want to instill upon you the importance of forgiving yourself. I want to encourage you to list the things which you need to forgive yourself for. Then, look yourself in the mirror and forgive yourself for each item. I encourage you to also consider those that have hurt you, close your eyes, visualize them being in front of you, and forgiving them as well. Also, seek forgiveness from others. If you have hurt someone, humble yourself and ask for their forgiveness. It is difficult but the healing that comes from this is spectacular. I don’t know if I will ever be able to love again; the roots of bitterness were deep, but I hope my little rant will encourage someone to seek help sooner than I did and forgive themselves.
Side note – Joy, I want to thank you for the wonderful articles you and your team write. They have helped me through this healing process more than you could ever know. Next time you and your team are in the Fort Worth/Dallas area give me a shout and I’ll buy y’all dinner.
Val thinks...
Joy,
This was a *great* post. I think you’re touching on some issues of the heart that lots of people experience but never honestly acknowledge.
The indulgence of feelings– especially in revisiting (and often re-writing) the past– is something that I think very few of us have any self-control about. We put our feelings in the category of “the uncontrollable”, “the authentic”, and spend very little time sorting out which feelings are legitimate and which are completely out of line with God’s design in our lives.
Fantasizing about the past and indulging in morbid walks down memory lane inhibit our ability to live presently in our immediate world. I think we all struggle with this.
I thought your comment “what is it that makes us want to share with people that we were LOVED” was really telling. In a culture that cherishes romantic—or at least sexual–experience, we’re desperate to prove to each other our worth in these areas. I think your call to us to find our worth in Christ–instead of the captivating drama of our own personal stories–is an important one for us to heed in a world of memoirs and self-exposure.
Thanks, friend!
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