I realize that my generation resists anything that is “3 steps to ________.” It seems too “packaged” or “consumeristic.” My apologies.
In thinking about the things I have learned while being single, I wrote some of them down.
This created a list.
That list happened to consist of three things.
Are you seeing the natural progression?
Next time I will let my post be more “organic” and “holistic.” Then we can dialogue.
But back to my list…
If I’m not content in my singleness I probably won’t be content in marriage. (i.e. like George and Gwennie)
My mother has taught me this and it makes sense. It’s easy to idealize the things we don’t have or the seasons we aren’t living in. We look at Facebook and think, “Wow, that person’s life is so much cooler than mine.”
In that moment we have a choice. We can either let discontent breed in us, or we can be realistic about the situation at hand. For example, Bill and Nancy aren’t posting the photos of the two hours their baby spent in a blood curdling scream. Or the status update doesn’t read, “Joy Eggerichs is spending Friday night crying in the fetal position.”
Okay, maybe once.
I remember last spring hearing about a woman who had just gotten married and was freaking out about not being able to leave an event when she wanted. She had to now consider her husband. The patterns and personality we develop in our singleness won’t go away when we get hitched.
Walking home that spring day I expressed gratitude to God for the freedom I had in my singleness…freedom to go and leave as I please. But should marriage come, I vowed to remember the feeling of yet again going home and still not having anyone to hug me. Married people often forget the things they have, but once longed for.
That day I chose to strive for contentment, no matter the season.
So often we are “looking” for the right person and yet my father always reminds me that it’s more important that I “be” the right person. I don’t think he means striving for perfection as much as he means a shift in focus.
Have you ever written or made a mental list of what you want in a person?
I have. Multiple times. It’s in a diamond encrusted silver frame. So what?
This can be a healthy reference point. Especially when you think you’re in love with the girl from the Verizon stand in the middle of the mall because she gave you a discount on your Droid. It may feel like love, but it’s not.
However, I think it’s more important to have a checklist for our own life. Are we living a higher standard? Are we treating people, our God, and our body in a way that is honoring? If we can’t say that for ourselves, it seems a bit hypocritical to expect to find someone that makes our list.
We need to extend “checklist” grace to one another.
There is this whole trend of being angry at God. Especially when it comes to anything we are disappointed about, i.e. relationships. When relationships are hard or completely lacking, I sense our generation feels like it’s most authentic to be angry at God.
I believe it’s 110% okay to bring our anger to God. But we must not let that manifest itself into sin because it gives the Devil a foothold (Eph 4:26-27) .
“Oh Joy, you sound so silly when you talk about the Devil.”
Yes, I feel silly, but I believe it’s true. Josh White, a pastor and friend here in Portland, said recently (in my own words) that if we don’t acknowledge the brokenness and darkness of this world, then when something goes wrong, all we will have left to blame is God.
I see this happening far too often. We get angry at God in our singleness when we desire to be married, or when our friends are having babies or when we realize we are never hugged, or when we wonder who we will grow old with, or whose shoulder we will cry on.
For me, having to answer if God is good affects how I live and react in my singleness.
Can you make a list of things you have learned while being single?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
Haley – Someone caring about the projection of me and not really me is suuuuper scary. I agree.
It’s funny that you mentioned in your #3 about complaining. I had a couple other points, but needed to cut the blog down. It was titled, “Being a Positive Polly doesn’t mean you are fake.” It was about, well, striving to be positive.
1. its ok to admit you want to get married. the line “i hate boys” is hardly believable even if at the time, you yourself believe it.
2. on the flip side of point 1 I’d have to say that the biggest thing I’ve had to learn is the contentment thing you talked about. yes, i want to get married, but not more than i want what God wants.
3. If we’re not going to be married in heaven, then maybe thats a clue that being single really is better. 😉 Ok i’m not totally serious about that point.
4. the grass is always greener on the other side.
5. i wholeheartedly agree with Haley’s number one. been there, totally failed that.
but really i still struggle with all of this. Truly. I love to read others’ thoughts on the subject. Oh, and your second point is something the Lord really convicted me about and now I share with my single friends. We need to be writing lists describing the woman of God we want to become and if we are that woman, we will attract that kind of man. 🙂
New to your blog Joy, and loving it.
Kaylene – Welcome to my blog! So glad you found it and left your thoughts.
I love your #1. It’s SO easy to say “I hate boys” off the cuff in the midst of our pain and confusion and yet I think it has to have some type of lasting sub-conscious affect on us and our friends when we let this be part of our vocab.
Kaylene! I love your #1! And I agree with you, Joy. I think that kind of comment can be funny in the moment, and I’ve definitely said it in an attempt to make myself feel better. But the truth is that, I don’t hate boys. I really like boys…well…men. Whatever. The truth behind that statement is that, really, I like men, and I’m hurt/bummed/annoyed that in that moment none of them seem to be that into me.
Additionally, lashing out at men, even in “fun” makes them a scapegoat for something that isn’t the fault of ALL MEN EVERYWHERE. It’s much easier to point a finger elsewhere than it is to look at myself/yourself/one’s self and ask, “is there anything I’m doing?” And asking that question, I think, will eventually lead to being the right person.
You are a wise woman, Joy. I’m thankful for you. =)
Haley – The scapegoat thing is so true…Even if someone has done something wrong, it is so easy to turn our pain into blanket statements. Love your thoughts.
Randi-Kay – Thanks for taking the time to say those words. I truly do pray the Lord gives me his wisdom so I can help. Oh, and I sat next to a dancer yesterday on the plane. I thought of you. I tried to show her my dance moves, but the seat belt was constricting.
Joy- You next time just dance in the aisle. thats what I do when I’m on a plane.
Keep doing what you’re doing.
Facing singleness square at its face can be daunting yet gives me a refreshing outlook on BEING CONTENT at the present moment. Yes I live and enjoy my ‘present’ and be thankful with the great possibilities for growth and amazing love in the future. Many wonderful things can happen while waiting. 🙂
haleykc thinks...
Man. This is a great list. I really resonate with 1 and 2 on your list. They’re definitely on my list as well, but in a different order. My list looks something like this:
1. Be who you are, and be honest about who you are. It sounds simple and hokey, but it’s something I’ve struggled with in my lonelier moments when Mr. Maybe-He’s-Good-Enough starts looking my way. Fear of being alone trumps being honest about who I am, so I make allowances, I dull down my love of an active lifestyle, or I try and convince myself that we don’t really disagree all that often. But I’ve learned that eventually loneliness sounds refreshing when compared to all that pretending, because I may be lonely, but at least I can be myself. Additionally, if I’m not honest about who I am, then the person I’m dating doesn’t actually care about me, they care about the projection of myself that I’ve crafted and chosen to share with them. SCARY.
2. Be the right person. Basically I’ll just say ditto to the second item on your list.
3. It’s okay if you’re not where you want to be, but you don’t have to complain about it all the time. This is a lot of what you said, Joy, in your first list item. With the added reminder that always complaining about the fact that I’m not married or that I haven’t met my husband yet doesn’t do me any good. And to remember that, while I may long for marriage, there are some really amazing things about being single, like having time to train for the Portland Marathon. 🙂
I know that’s only three things, and two of them I basically poached from you. But that’s what I’ve got for now.
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