I have friends that have had both great as well as horror stories with Internet dating sites. (i.e. scams, just wanting a hook-up, etc.) What are the positives and the negatives of Internet dating?
The last stat I read was that 40 million Americans are on dating websites. One positive would be the large pool to choose from…should you be open to putting your roots down in South Dakota.
Honestly though, I think when people question or freak out about dating sites, it’s important for us to look at the bigger picture. The fears that we may have are valid fears to help us proceed with caution. I think this type of “caution” would be important to apply to “real-live-human” dating as well.
Regardless if it’s the Internet, Bar or Church Ba-zaar, there are two big things that pop into my head:
1. SECRECY: In both scenarios we can be secretive about our relationship. In my opinion, this is unhealthy to do because it is how we can be deceived and think someone is better for us than they really are. We are also more apt to make unwise decisions if we know that no one is going to be asking us “how the relationship is going.” We need our community for protection and wisdom.
2. WISDOM: Wisdom comes from scripture as well as being open with people about the good and bad of our relationship. Again, this is generally by seeking out the counsel of wise people around us and staying in the Bible. The Bible’s instructions may seem counter cultural, but it’s there for our safety and protection. If you trust God, you can trust His word. When we are developing feelings for someone, it is very easy to make rash decisions. Which may seem romantic in the movies but in real life, I have seen it end up more often than not, as a disaster. That’s why we need people to walk with us through relationships, and commit to listening to them! Every person that I have spoken too that had a failed or unhealthy relationship also had people in their lives warning them. These people will often humbly admit…they did not listen to the warnings.
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If you are wanting to date, go about it in the way that you feel most comfortable and enjoy yourself! Online or in person, there are far less “horrors” to fear if you are seeking wisdom and living a relationship in community.
From my heart,
Joy
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I met my husband on an internet dating website. I think its just another form of dating, and I wouldn’t see it any worse than meeting someone in a bar. I could tell you horror stories from both options
I think those key points are good for any sort of relationship. A friend of mine recently started a new relationship but won’t tell anyone who its with. Initially she said it was because he wasn’t ready to tell people, and when that met with some negative feedback she said they decided together not to tell people, because they don’t want to get hurt so are just keeping it to themselves until they know for sure that its going someplace. I said that keeping it a secret doesn’t stop you from getting hurt, and my experience is that its a good way to get hurt, but she’s not listening to me.
Andy – Those are really good points. It’s kind of like it just feeds our generations desire to have tons of options…and never choose. There is a book called “The Paradox of Choice.” Good stuff. (haven’t read the whole thing….but of what I did, it was great.)
Mary – Glad to hear your internet dating success story! …Sad to hear about your friend. On one hand I empathize with your friend because being “public” can add pressure from everyone asking you questions and telling you that you should get married, etc. etc. But when those things are bothersome I think it’s important for us to remember…”Oh hey, these people care about us. Their comments might be annoying, but it’s my choice as to whether or not I am going to be ‘pressured’ by their pressure.”
I love that you reminded them that keeping their relationships a secret won’t keep them from getting hurt. I hope you can keep loving your friend and encouraging them to not do this alone. You are a good friend!
Fascinating. Thanks Joy & commenters!
There’s a difference between “online dating” and “meeting via the internet”. I think the internet/correspondence aspect of dating should be as temporary as possible. In my experience, correspondence, especially if you’re dating someone who’s a really good writer/articulate (Joy… you know nothing about THAT, right? 😉 ) can be super misleading. As you pointed out, Joy, there’s so much opportunity to only present your good sides. Interestingly, I feel like when dating is based on an internet foundation, it becomes weirdly a-physical, too, and you might downplay the importance of attraction in the relationship.
Hmmmm . . . I’m currently on one of those sites. They gave me a deal that was hard to resist–less than the price of lunch. I don’t think I’m going to renew. I have 183 “new” matches and another 145 that I’ve tried to initiate communication with. Yeah. On the one hand, it lets me know there are a lot of single guys out there in my age range—and many who proclaim their love for God. On the other hand, it’s discouraging that none of them even want to start a dialogue.
When I first forayed into internet dating, it was important for me to be open about it. I had two friends who had my password to the site I was on and could check out what people were saying to me. They were encouraged to speak into my life freely and consistently. I wanted to make sure there was no secrecy.
Val – I agree with all the cautions you propose. Great stuff to be mindful of when dating. I feel it’s still possible for people to have successful relationships long distance, it will just look different than people who live in the same place. I don’t think you were differing from that, just reminding people that they can’t neglect things like “attraction” which are easier to assess in person. And I think we would also both agree that the part about “attraction” is that in person, it can easily hold too much weight. Just like words in person or in print can hold too much weight….thus striving for balance and praying for wisdom in how we do any relationship. Easier said than done right?? (-: (Why don’t I know how to do those smilies everyone does??)
Sheryl – I commend you for being that open with your online account! Total freedom in being that vulnerable and honest. Sounds like you have a lot of really great friends who you can trust. You are wise and secure and I love that. People can learn from you.
You do your smilies backwards.
Personally I think people could meet online, but the only dating should occur in person because doing things online does not allow (always) for human emotions to be expressed.
Andy thinks...
Good points. I thought I would chime in on this one, being that I would be fluent in internet dating as if it were a strangely spoken language..
My main problem with ‘net dating is the “wall of faces” – This is the biggest dilemma with internet dating. The fact that there are literally hundreds of people to choose from, all of which are placed nicely in a gallery view for you to choose. You end up going on many dates, and not choosing (settling?) for someone because you have a full virtual pipeline of others to choose from. I know I have passed up some good ladies who would have been a compatible match for me. Many people end up saying “oh well, back to the internet”. For myself, I have found it to be a rather un-healthy way of dating.
Oh, gotta go! Just received a “wink”..
-Andy
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