Thanks to everyone who submits great anonymous questions in the Ask Joy section or directly at LoveandRespectNOW@gmail.com
It has been such a pleasure to hear your hearts. It causes me to think and pray even more specifically for the concerns and issues we are all facing in this generation. Since I can’t make a video for every single question, I decided to answer some of them publicly in a written response. Some are specific, some broad, but hopefully all of them will help us as individuals know that we are not alone. I don’t assume my answers as being the ONLY answer, but based off of what I read, my response is a short snip-it of advice that I hope will help.
I welcome the ongoing discussion and thoughts of other readers. Now let’s begin…
I don’t view love as something that a person can “fall into.” I view love as more of a choice. The physical attraction is what I think people fall into. I once had a girlfriend who seemed to think that there were three stages: attraction, love, and in love. She asked me one night if I was “in love” with her. I hesitated on the answer because I didn’t see things the way she saw them. I knew I loved her, but “in love” seemed like a needless distinction because I didn’t think I could love her anymore than I already did.
Well, she didn’t like that and was immediately upset because I didn’t say “yes.” It took a lot of effort to get her to see that the reason I hesitated was a difference in philosophy and not that I didn’t love her. Is there anyway I can prevent this from happening in the future without lying?
From your last line I take it things ended right there? Oops.
I guess I empathize with you over the girl. I understand her sensitivity but if she is not the type of woman who can understand after your explanation where you were coming from, then she sounds like someone who will only ever “see things her way.”
Until we can live our life knowing that other people interpret the world differently and give grace for that, we won’t be able to be in relationship (friendship or romantic) with too many people.
It sounds like you understood her heart and in the future I would say if you are with a girl and you know you love her and you don’t see any difference between “love” and “in love” other than semantics…then, don’t pause and think about differences in philosophies…just put your analytical mind on hold and without skipping a beat say…
“Oh yes, I am madly in love with you.”
Why are boys so crazy!?
So are girls.
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
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All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
I like both of your answers! 🙂 Regarding the first one, I’m wondering why this girl has to ask in the first place? Is he not showing her (in a way meaningful to her) that he loves her? Is she basing her security and self-esteem on his degree of love for her? Evidence of someone’s love shouldn’t be something we have to pry out of them, right? If she FEELS loved, why does she have to ask? Just wondering…
i agree. because then you are trying more to get your point across about how you see things instead of meeting the other person’s need to be reassured of your feelings. and security is a very positive aspect to any relationship.
oh and i can confirm the second answer….i am a girl and i am super crazy. 🙂
Corinne “aka analytical dude magnet” – The downside is you might get some brutally honest answers, the upside is…you usually don’t have to worry that they are misleading you since they are constantly processing to come to a correct conclusion.
But yeah…for the love…just tell me you love me!
Wendy – Totally agree with you. Sometimes we move towards someone for validation when we aren’t getting enough. This is unhealthy. However, sometimes an issue that can be gender specific is women desiring a bit more affirmation regarding love. This isn’t true for all women and men, but generally a guy feels that if he has established he loves a woman and she loves him, he can be secure in that and not need to talk bring it up as often. Sure men love to hear that they are loved, but like this guy, he felt his love was clear and didn’t know how he could love her anymore than he already did. So he wasn’t expressing it as much and the way she wanted. Neither one of them are necessarily wrong, but the WAY they wanted those feelings expressed manifested themselves differently. And that’s when the conflict arose.
What would have been ideal in my mind would be for them to both give grace to the other person’s unique approach to this topic.
You Know! – Yes, yes you are crazy. I can confirm this.
Ok, so this is the example of what happens when you ask a left brain to answer a right brain’s question.
of COURSE you are “in love” with her… that is the only answer of course of course 🙂
Corinne thinks...
I like your last bit of advice there, Joy, regarding the guy’s answer for next time. If you understand someone’s heart, it’s not necessary to straighten them out on the semantics when it comes to such a sensitive subject. I’ve been there. It’s like deeply analytical minds have a magnet for me.
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