What do you think about long-distance relationships?
A relationship is either going to work or it isn’t. I don’t think distance should be the one and only deciding factor, but it is a factor. All relationships, short or long distance, will entail different factors that will contribute to your figuring out whether she or he is who you want to keep getting to know. Don’t overthink it. Just give it a shot if you like the person.
Bonus: If things don’t work out, you don’t have to worry about running into Gerald at your Tuesday bowling night.
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(I’ve never dated long distance, so my “few factors” below could be totally wrong.)
1. You may get to know someone through words, both written and spoken, which can be very revealing of someone’s insights on life.
Devil’s advocate: But, some people are really good writers (or bad writers) and their e-mails and texts may not be a fair representation of their intent. Some people feel more bold (or less bold) with words, again creating a possible misrepresentation of who they are in the day to day.
Devil’s devil’s advocate: Then again, people can misrepresent themselves in person, too.
2. You probably don’t have to worry as much about the physical or hormonal attraction blinding you from the fact that the person isn’t the brightest tool in the shed.
Devil’s advocate: But never seeing each other face-to–face could create unrealistic expectations and a false sense of safety. (Plus, with Photoshop, the person could actually have three arms, and you would never know.)
Devil’s devil’s advocate: Then again, if you only see each other on fun weekends and vacations, it could give a false sense of what a day-to-day life might be like.
3. You could assess for yourself whether the statement, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder,” is a crock.
Devil’s advocate: Sometimes, though, your heart might grow fondly for the person your brain has imagined versus the reality of who that person really is. Stay in your imagination too long, and it’s a recipe for disappointment, lack of grace for someone’s fallible humanity, and probably the inability to make any relationship work.
Devil’s devil’s advocate: Then again, the safety factor of always imagining people rather than really getting to know someone is that when you’re seventy years old and alone, your imaginary Nancy will still be perfect and sweet and will never let you down. Your imagination will be a great place to vacation on the weekends.
Since I’m no veteran in this department, what’s been your experience?
P.S. What if Skype adds a scent feature?
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Thanks especially for adding your #5. It should be said, always. I feel like I repeat myself so often, but I don’t think it can be said enough. We shouldn’t do life alone or without wise input. Thanks for the great added insight!
I’ve seen long distance work and quite frankly I don’t know how. I definitely respect people that can make it work, but I spent a week away for the holidays and realized it just wasn’t for me.
I do however wish the best for those giving it a shot!
I was in long distance relationships, for me they were no fun. Someone told me: Distance makes the heart grow fonder…for someone else 🙂
But hey it worked out for a friend of mine and others around me. I would give it a try again. You never know.
But I think Joy and Erin had some good points.
I’m currently in an LDR and it’s had its good days and bad. Fortunately, we are both seeking God and are able to encourage eachother when it gets tough. Also fortunately, we aren’t too far apart…he lives in a neighboring state 🙂 So we visit as often as we can…about every 2 or 3 weekends. It’s got to be tough for those who live farther apart, though. Skype and phone calls and texts all do help, constantly staying in touch is key.
I feel very blessed to have found him and we are working toward closing the distance soon 😉
And thanks Joy I agree with your points, and have to say I appreciate your “devil’s advocate” and “devil’s devil’s advocate”. There is no yes or no answer to long (or in my case, not too long) distance. Either you are a match for the long run or it wasn’t meant to be. I keep reminding myself how much stronger our relationship will be in the future 🙂
LDR’s suck. Even with the best of relationships and the most effective use of technology (skype, etc) to stay in communication, being apart adds a level of stress that being together helps. If you are going to be apart for over a year, I don’t recommend LDRs – too difficult to maintain.
I am currently in a long-distance relationship with my fiance and it is going very well (we are literally 1,000 miles apart and can only visit on certain holidays). We both believe that God has put us together and therefore are willing to put forth the extra energy many do not want to in maintaining a healthy relationship. Yes, it takes plenty of effort and sacrafice. I am a full-time student with work and he works as well so in many ways, to make our relationship work, we both have to back down from unecesssary (but fun) social gatherings to spend quality time together on the phone.
We know each other’s love languages and therefore do what we can to meet them (he sends me little gifts in the mail since gift-giving is my love langauge, and I shut down everything and go in my room to spend quality time with him on the phone; as silly as it sounds, if I pretend he is in the same rom and make the facial expressions and gestures I would if he was, it helps a lot).
We still have the rigors of daily relationship difficulties–we disagree, we argue, we dissapoint each other. But if we are quick to humble ourselves and repent for our wrongs, things bounce back quickly.
While it is painful to be apart, I find I don’t take his nearness for granted when we are together as much as I would if we were in the same town. I treasure him on a deeper level and am just confirmed daily how this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
All-in-all, we are a living example that ldr’s DO indeed work and like you said, Joy, Just give it a shot if you like/love the person. It truly does work as long as you are willing to make sacrafices on behalf of the other person. 🙂 (Isn’t that a huge factor of marriage anyway?)
P.S. To any one going through the same thing, may I suggest if you get into an argument, don’t hang up on him/her abruptly and refuse to pick up for five minutes or more when they call. I/We used to do that when frustrated and it would only hurt the other person terribly; it was pointless and childish. We face confrontation now no matter how uncomfortable it is, and I firmly believe doing it this way prevents one from creating bad habits of walking away that can follow you into marriage.
And now I am getting off my soap box. lol
P.P.S I DO wish skype would add a scent factor. That is one thing I crave I cannot have in a long distance relationship. :/
Hey Joy!
I did a long distance relationship for 2 and a half years. I think all of your points are great! However, I think people should enter a long distance relationship with an end to the distance in sight. I went into my LDR in high school and college with no realistic end in sight (I was going to be in college for 4 more years after having already been together with this guy for 3 years), and I think not having a tangible end of the distance was the downfall of the relationship. In addition, I think it’s extremely important to share a zip code with your significant other for at least 6-9 months before getting engaged/married/living together/etc.
This was sort of ramble-y and I hope it made sense and is helpful to others 🙂
-Amanda
I was in a long distance relationship for two years. Then we got married, and have now been married three years. It’s tough, but we learned so much about each other through the distance. It leads to talking more, and not just talking fluffy stuff, but real deep important conversations that made us realize how much we wanted to be with each other. Long distance was full of tears, longing, and heartache. But also made the moments we were together all the more special. And now we appreciate our moments together even still all the more. It’s tough, but worth it. I think people who have had long distance in their relationship come out closer and stronger in ways.
I agree with Amanda and Mackenzie. I’m in a LDR as we wait for the my fiancés visa to come through. It is really tough. But since getting engaged and planning a life together, it has been better because we know the end is in sight (although the waiting for his visa seems like an eternity and keeps getting delayed)
For a long time we were “just friends” but only because we didn’t see how things would work out being from different countries. We’ve spend time in eachother’s home towns and he was in the states for two years. I’m not sure I could recommend multicultural relationships across the board but when God brought us into eachother’s life and knit my fiancé so easily into my church family, we can see now that this was His plan for us. And the long time apart is only temporary and a challenging time to grow.
Erin thinks...
Oh, what a great question (and great answers! I’m especially a fan of the devil’s devil’s advocate). As someone with some experience in this area of life, I choose my words carefully.
1. Everybody’s story is different…if you get a sense that you’re onto somebody special, don’t let distance stop you from getting to know him/her better. If our parents could write letters, we have ten times the technology to help us along!
2. Consider not just the distance, but the space. Long-distance relationships give a lot of space for thinking. For some of us over-thinkers, this can be a challenge. It’s difficult not to create a picture of the person in the stretches of time between actual conversations. Challenge yourself to examine the realities, not the might-bes.
3. Meet up as often as you can…and don’t be afraid to invite friends. I think getting a real, physical dose of a person is important, and it’s always good to see how someone interacts around their friends.
4. Be creative in how you show the person your life where you live…and be honest. It’s good to show Jim/Sally (not their actual names) the best parts about your life in Detroit, but some good, healthy doses of the boring day to day shows them that you live on the same planet as him or her.
5. As in any relationship, be prayerful and ask for wisdom. But that goes without saying.
And, there could be the happily married couple whose relationship was entirely long-distance and they did the opposite of the first four things. If so, do tell!
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