Ask Joy

I have three different friends who are engaged or are getting engaged. Honestly, I am so happy for them. But my issue is that all my friends have pity on me. Why? Not because I am single, but because I have been dating the same guy for five years.

The reason we haven’t gotten married is simply a financial issue. Honestly, we don’t want to go into marriage having to borrow money from our parents. The job market has been scarce, and my man works when he can, but you never know what is going to happen the next day.

For whatever reason, my friends don’t find this a good reason not to get married. Sure, I have been frustrated in the last couple of years. But this dating process has allowed us both to realize what we want out of a marriage. For example, we know we would both rather work from home and we communicate really well.

He’s HONESTLY my best friend, and I respect him more now than I could ever have if I had married him after only one year.

So how do I explain to my friends that, in due time, I will adopt the title of Mrs., but that in the meantime, I’d like them to respect our choices no matter what they think.

—D

My Response

Dear D,

The first thing I picked up on was your statement of, “Sure, I have been frustrated in the last couple of years.” I could be wrong, but my gut reaction is that you really do wish you were engaged but are trying to create a reason to satisfy your heart and calm your fears.

Do you feel uneasy that he hasn’t proposed? Is there a voice deep down inside that says, “What in the world am I doing? It’s been five years and he hasn’t proposed. Is there something wrong with me? Am I being played for a fool? There is no way I could start over, so I must hang on and hope that this is going to happen for us.”

It probably doesn’t help that your friends are all capitalizing on your deepest fear by pitying you. Do you ever wonder if they sense what you sense?

OK, I could be totally wrong in the above assessment. Nothing else in your whole question would lead me to think that was a real fear except that one statement of being “frustrated.”

So, if we were to scratch that statement from the record and assume that you truly do believe everything else you said, I would respond like this:

Dear D,

If you honestly don’t believe you are doing anything to hurt the Holy Spirit and you have kindly expressed this to your friends, then there is nothing more you can say.

Scripture says, “Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God…” (1 John 3:21).

Are you and your Lord on the up and up?

But back to your friends…

Usually friends are friends because they care. Is it possible that they see something you don’t? Or that they want you to experience the same life stages together? Two of my best friends had babies at the same time. One of them started crying when she told me she was pregnant because she felt that I was being left behind.

(The difference between you and me is that, apart from immaculate conception, I currently have less control over my outcome…)

My pregnant friends went on without me. It was actually endearing for me to see how much they wanted me to experience certain life stages with them. I assured them that I was very much someone who needed people to “go before,” and from that I can then make an assessment of how I will proceed.

(Pretty sure I want to have an at-home birth with a midwife. That is, until the pain kicks in and I force them to give me morphine and a leather belt to bite.)

Aaaaand this reply has suddenly become all about me.

The point is, D, assume the best about your friends. Don’t let it turn into a drama fest of, “If she tells me one more time that I should get married, I am going to take her by her skinny little red ponytail and…”

Instead, breathe easy and know that you are basically free to marry when you choose. If you believe you are making the healthiest decision that also honors what God asks of you, then breathe easy. The next time one of your friends brings up holy matrimony, just smile and say something like, “Thank you for your concern. I love you too,” or, “If you tell me that one more time, I am going to take you out back and…”

It’s up to you.

From my home-birthing heart,

Joy

P.S. Regarding your financial issues, I would highly recommend Dave Ramsey and his Financial Peace curriculum. It has changed so many lives!