Part one of this five-part series is a video response to The Wall Street Journal’s, Where Have All The Good Men Gone? article. This will be a five-part series that was triggered by people wanting to know my thoughts. But I want to make a disclaimer…
Disclaimer: As you read what I write in this series, please feel free to comment and disagree. I want to state upfront that my approach to this will leave you with LOTS of “yeah, but what about…” I welcome that.
What I ask is that you don’t ASSUME I am saying something due to my lack of addressing every single caveat. This can be a really touchy subject, I know. My response is a broad brushstroke of some things I would like you to consider. Which are…
I am doing this series because I think women and society need to make a change in their approach to “getting” men to change. Because of what I DO say, please don’t conclude that I am discounting the responsibility of any human being to take ownership for his or her actions.
In a weird way, the very nature of my writing and making a video is contradicting my fear that we have “so much stuff” naming and labeling people — but please trust my heart and know I do this because I want to serve and help be an agent of change.
By no means do I wish to be detrimental or discouraging to men or women throughout this series.
(I would like to find a man who is as “into” me as Bear is…sans ripping out my earring.)
Additional Resource: Here’s an article that gives a tangible example of what journalism can do with statistics. (Thanks to my friend Kathy for sending it my way.)
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
Cynicism is not activism. Love it!
I like the cynicism vs. activism idea.
And, your thoughts, as I am raising my boy to be a great man one day.
Also…as you know by now, my jewelry wearing days are numbered. 🙂
jackson is jealous…..
I think I have a new answer to the “Why girls always wear such big sweaters” question: because they look awesome! You look great. No wonder Bear couldn’t keep his hands off you.
Also, I love your point that cynicism is not activism. Sometimes I think we are cynical because we think it will make us feel better to “vent” or because we feel like if we complain loud enough it might change what is happening, but I love what Dr. Henry Cloud says about how our external worlds often reflect our internal realities, and vice versa. Over and over again I am reminded of the power of words and thoughts and actions – both positive and negative – to start small (in my head, voiced to a single friend) but grow and grow until they suddenly manifest themselves as a repeating reality.
One example I can think of: I used to teach a middle school classroom and I managed my classroom like a lot of teachers do. When a student was out of line I would re-direct them. I would spend most of my day saying things like, “Johnny, get back in your desk please” or “Sally, why don’t you have your backpack with you?” or “Sam, if you don’t stop talking while I’m talking… I’m going to….!!!!”
I would go home feeling discouraged and depressed that I was spending my whole day managing the classroom and little to no time actually TEACHING.
One day, a colleague observed my classroom and suggested that I try something new. She said, “What if you tried only acknowledging positive behavior?” That sounded like a dumb idea to me because as far as I could tell there wasn’t much positive behavior happening in my classroom, but I was desperate, so I tried it.
And I’m not joking you, the most incredible thing happened. Kids’ behavior started changing dramatically. Before I knew it I had to start lengthening my lesson plans because there was so much teaching time in the classroom we were running out of work to do.
I think that there are so many reasons for why this works, but I’m still mulling… and maybe I’ll write a post about it too, so I’ll leave it at that for now.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Joy. They have been an inspiration to me and so many others.
Your video blogs are very engaging-dogs, rock-n-roll, n babies keep it fresh! I read the article “Where have all the good men gone.” It was thought provoking. The men are crying also where have all the good women gone? I have found bitterness at the root cynicism. Attitudes of cynicism and bitterness have a such a destructive quality to a person’s life besides revealing an armchair quarterback/lazy mentality. Forgiveness and God’s grace are powerful “scrubbers” that diminishes and heals bitterness. Then there is a righteous anger that turns a bad scenario to something good for all i.e. MothersAgainst DrunkDriving (MADD), StudentsAagainstDrunkDriving (SADD) are the quickest examples that come to mind. I appreciate the activism for godly character and I just want to thank u for your courage and heart to stand in the gap creating some thoughts/discussion for transformation of generations to come! May the Lord give the increase! As a mother of two boys I do want to foster/ nurture/encourage the God fearing gentleman in both of them. Praying for mothers of girls who consider virtue a priority! Lots of work to b done here!
Activism does trump cynicism, well said.
Where have all the good women gone? Where have all the good churches gone? Could do the same about cars, hammers, toys for BEAR, etc. Things aren’t as they used to be. Why is that? What has impacted the society in such a profound way?
“I am doing this series because I think women and society need to make a change in their approach to “getting” men to change.” Amen!
Unfortunately, many men have surrendered how BEAR should be raised and how BEAR’s sisters see him. The society / culture needs a new understanding of the male and I’m so glad you’re here to facilitate that education, Joy.
Val – I just read another article by Kay on women. In my opinion she was right on in both article. She is actually writing a book as well. But my feelings are like yours in the fact that as the church we need to do something differently in our response. I will be counter cultural, and it may be difficult — but I believe it’s the only think that will bring about true change. Thank you!
Ayesha – I love you!
Elizabeth – Having all these little new baby boys in my life really does put a new perspective on my attitude! (Skype soon…)
Sister – Everything I do, I do it for Jackson. Please sing that to him.
Ally – That story is so powerful! I love it. The cool thing is that you were still in the position of influence.
By speaking positively to the kids, it didn’t mean you lost your power.
Lisa – Thank you for your encouragement! You will be a good mother to boys (and girls) I can tell just by your words. And I loved your examples of good activism motivated by pain.
pkphinfan – I agree and think we need a whole new understanding of each other as human beings across the board. We all label and blame far too much. Myself included!!
Interesting to bring up Bear! I think I’m one of the people who don’t think of little boys to grow up as good men. I often usually think of men as guys my age of older, and don’t really have much thought for the next generation.
And I agree: if you keep on calling someone something over and over again, they tend to live that way. It’s like how we Filipinos have this thing called “Filipino time” where we’re always late. It’s hard to get out of that label because it’s already expected of us, but one time my community and I tried to fight it and instead changed Filipino time to being on time. It’s still a struggle, but it helped us change our outlook.
And can I just say: BEAR IS SO ADORABLE. 🙂 So, so cute!
wow. this was really good. i know i have been guilty of labeling men or generalizing/stereotyping the issues. thank you for calling me out on this.
(and bear? so frickin adorable. seriously.)
Val thinks...
Liked this, thanks. Nice sweater!
Of course you can’t consider every caveat but I think you’re right to question the value of constant reports on “the plight of the guy”, or whatever you call it. I think when you live and breath research on these issues (as you do), articles like this one are old hat.
I appreciated this quote:
“Today’s pre-adult male is like an actor in a drama in which he only knows what he shouldn’t say. He has to compete in a fierce job market, but he can’t act too bossy or self-confident. He should be sensitive but not paternalistic, smart but not cocky. To deepen his predicament, because he is single, his advisers and confidants are generally undomesticated guys just like him.”
It sounds to me like Kay Hymowitz is lamenting the situation as much as she might be complaining about it. I also think she’s right… there aren’t very many “life scripts” for young men to choose from, especially if you’re not the kind of person that’s committed to following Jesus–the penultimate single young man.
But I did appreciate your point that this is an old song, sung many times. The thing about articles and books about “generations” is that they have to be revised over and over again. New research is constantly coming out and needs to be analyzed. Sociologists genuinely enjoy riding the waves of these conversations, I think (and there’s always a buck or two out there for saying something “new”). But I think the church is in a unique position to call those who are looking for a more meaningful response to consider some significant truth in light of Jesus’ lifestyle and Scripture.
You always make me think about what’s going on behind the scenes of published works (book deals, contracts, the pressure to say something unique…). That perspective is an important one to keep as we digest stuff like this. Thanks!
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