Earthlings,
I am honored by all of the Ask Joy submissions that I receive. I’ve been brainstorming different ways to try and tackle more, and trust me–I am VERY excited about some of the possibilities.
But until the day where I can sit next to Anderson Cooper and answer your questions via a CNN broadcast, I thought I would throw some of my work at y’all. I would love to hear how YOU would respond to these questions.
And make sure you check back if you leave a comment — I will do my best to jump in and either agree with your comment or politely tell you that you are insane. So without further ado…
Why is it that we are interested in someone until they show interest back — and then we put our guard up?
Is this true for everyone? What has been your experience? What do you think it is about human nature that causes some of us to do this?
Is it good? Bad? Irrelevant?
From my heart and excited to hear yours,
Joy
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
I have experienced this “phenomena” from girls in the past and I can say that it’s not ‘good’. When I decide to show interest back, they suddenly decide that they aren’t interested afterall. I’m not sure if this tendency is more prevelent in girls or guys or why it’s in our nature to do this at all. It surely comes down to a desire to chase/pursue/admire when a real desire for a meaningful relationship isn’t actually there. The lesson – don’t become infatuated with the external too soon. Know the person as a friend and who they really are before you “show your cards” and be ready to allow yourself to grow closer to this person when/if they decide to return their affection.
Pkphinfan – Control can be a driving force in situations like this…rooted in fear. Good stuff for us to be aware of and ask ourselves “why.” Control will never be a healthy contribution to a relationship. Being wise, yes…trying to control…No. But it can look very similar at times. Thanks!
Justin – “Don’t become infatuated with the external too soon.” Good words! I think it’s easy to become infatuated with all of the technological ways we have to stalk people today. Eeeee.
The thrill of the chase perhaps? She flirted and giggled. He pursued with flowers and smiles. Then they both confirmed that they liked one another, both felt as though they “caught” the other, then had to get down to business, so to speak. A flirty, ambiguous relationship can feel more exciting than one that’s committed. I’ve never caught myself in that sort of situation, but while I was unattached, I admit I loved the excitement of the flirtatious unknown (though being in a committed, intentional relationship is FAR BETTER). In the end, though, it left a deep dissatisfaction in my heart.
I can also imagine that while you’re in the “flirty phase” you have much more control over who you present yourself to be. Once you start being with someone consistently, your real self will start to show, thus making yourself vulnerable. That can be scary to many people.
For those who find themselves or see friends in that sort of cycle, I would ask them why are they so afraid? If we’re hiding our “real” selves from people and avoiding deeper relationships, then how are we responding to our Father? Are we being raw with Him, honest and frank about our struggles/desires? Do our earthly relationships reflect that with our Heavenly Father?
Just a couple thoughts. <3
Nice unicorn; very clever!
I think people can pull back because they are scared. They are full of questions like “What if you fall in love and THEN break up”? What is before you just liked the idea, but now you’re seriously looking at that other person and yourself and asking “are we even ready for this?”.
Personally, when the guy lets on that he’s super interested, it does cause me to put up my guard because I feel the weight of that added responsibility to not encourage his emotional attachment unless I’m also feeling the same way. I think it scares me off when a guy is super interested really early on in the relationship because I don’t want to hurt him. So, it leads me to call things off before he gets any more attached. I think it’s good to not get too serious too fast emotionally, and just enjoy having fun and starting to get to know one another. That way it gives both of you the chance to not feel pressure but learn more about each other as you’re determining whether you’re both interested in a more serious relationship.
pkphinfan thinks...
Long answer: The blessing of someone declaring their interest in you first is the luxury of not being so vulnerable. You don’t have to deal with the potential of immediate and unvarnished rejection. You can explore the possibility of the relationship without the threat of falling off the cliff.
We put our guard up then to be in control of the situation. We all want to be pursued to some degree and we set it up so that we are the woo-ed instead of the woo-er. Plus, we haven’t really considered the possibility of a relationship with this person and don’t want to get in too deep before thinking about it.
Short answer: cause we’re sinners and relationships are a Great (in the biblical sense) stumbling block.
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