My boyfriend of 3+ years just broke up with me because we have different plans. I thought I would be OK, but it feels like my heart is actually breaking. Do I give up my plans to follow him or do I tough it out and just pray that this pain I feel will go away?
I wish I could sit down and have a conversation with you. My heart breaks that you are in such pain. I know that pain. It feels like Shikona the sumo wrestler is sitting on your heart, doesn’t it?
I would encourage you to think about your two statements not as an either-or situation but as an evaluation of what you want from a relationship.
1) Would following him mean completely giving up your plans forever? Is he a good man who would come up with a plan and try to help your dreams as you help his?
2) If you did follow him, would it be because you love him, believe in him, respect who he is as a man, and want a life with him, or do you simply want to make the pain stop?
Pain is a by-product of living on earth. With him, you will have pain. With someone else, you will have pain. Being alone, you will have pain.
But there will also be joy in saying yes to partnering with someone. Not because you want a pain-free life, but because you realize that the two of you can do life better together than apart.
If any of that makes sense and he is a man you trust, then I would strongly consider the questions I presented.
You really can’t make a wrong decision in light of what I know—but it’s more important for you to assess what you value and try to make the best decision from there.
From my heart that is praying the pain of Shikona leaves,
Joy
Philippians 4:7
“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Psalm 34:4
“I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.”
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So true… there is pain and joy East of Eden. This is a good time to evaluate the relationship, and if it’s properly yoked. Three years in a relationship is a significant investment. Giving yourself permission to mourn is wise and therapeutic. Hard to appreciate now, but I suspect the breakup is a providential blessing. Re-consider issues around submission, surrender and sacrifice when it comes to differing plans! Eventually as a wife there are challenges in being the husband’s “sustainer beside him”-a.k.a. “helpmeet” that requires sacrifice. How do u feel about that? FYI: There is a real medical condition called “broken heart syndrome” feels like a heart attack. Usually due to a surge in stress hormones. It is treatable and reverses itself in about a week. Remember Jesus’ heart melted like wax within him. (Psalm 22:14) If anybody can understand your pain, Jesus can. He also fulfilled the the scripture “Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on him ….and He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted…” (Isaiah 61:1) This is a God-ordained time to let Jesus love you up! Psalms 147: 3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds! May the Holy Spirit comfort u and guide u into all truth.
“If you did follow him, would it be because you love him, believe in him, respect who he is as a man, and want a life with him, or do you simply want to make the pain stop?”
I’m never going to forget that. Thanks, Joy.
By the way, pretty much from day 1 that I started visiting here, wild unicorns couldn’t keep me away. I glean a lot from you and even though I don’t always agree, I always enjoy. : )
My wife and I dealt with this a bit. We felt as though “God was pulling us in different directions” (He wasn’t) and it caused us to break up a couple of times. I’m not saying that’s her issue but it’s amazing how we almost always overspiritualize certain things without recognizing the sovereignty of God, knowing that it’s ultimately His plans and not ours.
Also, I like oatmeal.
Faith – Yes, looking for options that will benefit you both. I believe sometimes people come to the conclusion that their partnership will be harder together and that’s OK, but more often than not people forget to think about the fact that it IS a partnership and ask themselves, “How can we do life better together?”
Lisa – Thank you for the scripture and counsel. I am very familiar with the broken heart syndrome and know that it can at times last longer than a week if it has weakened the heart…)-: Taking the time to mourn is natural and normal. Amen!
Kaylene – Thank you Kaylene! It is my prayer not to make people agree, but to hopefully make people think more and desire to figure out what they believe to be true about God and relationships.
David – You are right on. There has to be a balance and time to think about what is really going on. It’s easy to default to a spiritual response, which may very well be true, but in our fear I think we can overspiritualize and create things that uh, aren’t necessarily Biblical.
However, for anyone who thinks I am being heretical, I DO believe that the Holy Spirit prompts us and guides us when we seek Him in ways that may not be found in a verse. But more often than not I want to tell Christians to RELAX.
I hate Oatmeal. Feels like I am eating vomit.
faith thinks...
i loved this! how easy is it for us to go one way or the other to simply “avoid” something else (options we may not want) rather than aiming for something that will benefit yourself or both. or perhaps we go with the one that’s less painful maybe and we settle and just “deal”.
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