Stay Connected
Don't leave just yet. Besides these articles, sometimes I send out extra special stuff. Don't miss out. Sign up here.
This Ask Joy is not as silly as some of my other responses, but I think it’s a very important question and response. I am essentially trying to tackle the question:
What is a way to show respect when it isn’t easy or deserved?
From my heart,
Joy
Stay Connected
Don't leave just yet. Besides these articles, sometimes I send out extra special stuff. Don't miss out. Sign up here.
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
Hi Friend,
This was a hard but important word. I don’t know much about their ministry, but I recently came across this book/blog for women with unbelieving husbands: http://www.winninghimwithoutwords.com/
You didn’t go into this because it’s somewhat outside the scope of the discussion, but I also think the Matthew 18 principles of confrontation have elements of respecting the other ingrained in their action (esp. because Matthew 18 comes right after the story of the shepherd going after the one lost sheep… we confront BECAUSE that person matters deeply to God and to us, NOT because we want to manipulate, control, or make that person conform). Sometimes, it eventually takes getting the local body of believers involved to keep one spouse safe while reaching out to the lost one.
Love,
V
Kaitlyn, I love what you wrote about respect really giving power and control, rather than taking it away. I been overwhelmed by this same realization as I discover L&R strategies and start to put them into practice.
Joy, I think you did a really great job answering this question. There are so many difficult factors involved, and you did a great job addressing the different angles.
There is one thing on my mind I want to add.
I think that the concept of community is so applicable and important here. Like you’ve mentioned, our generation is notoriously autonomous and I think that relationships with abusive qualities (like addiction) have an even greater tendency to render a person isolated.
For that reason I think it is unspeakably important that a woman who is practicing respect to an unloving husband be in community with others outside of her marriage.
Her community will support her, help her, pray with her, and even offer her the love that her husband (right now) isn’t able to give.
Side note: When I used to teach high school and I would ask questions the kids thought were too difficult to answer, they would comment on my outfit instead.
I like your sweater.
Thanks Joy for this post. It hit home for me! I am a wife of an alcoholic who has been struggling with sobriety for the last 10 years after being sober for over 13 years straight. Although I do not suffer any abuse-alcoholism is a disease that effects the entire family in negative ways. We have gone through the Love & Respect study together and for the first time, I am dealing with this relapse following the L&R suggestions. What a HUGE difference it is making in our marriage and in my walk with the Lord! Someday I know that God will use this experience for us to help other couples, but for today the Lord is teaching me to be obedient to His word first. This allows me to be respectful to my husband-even though he knows I am not okay with his drinking. Keeping my own tone and tongue tame is definitely where I feel God is leading me. I believe with all of my heart that my actions of respect are allowing God to work on my husband’s heart and I want to allow God to use me in whatever way He chooses. I am doing what I can so that God can do what I can not! Thank you all for the Love & Respect message!!
Joy! I appreciate the discussions here. I always learn something! Thanks Val for the http://www.winninghimwithoutwords.com link. I’m not unequally yoked spiritually, but what a great resource and thoughts on refining the woman God made us to be….with less words…;-)
I just want to add that my mother and father are divorced and, now more than ever, I am realizing how much respect (and the lack thereof) had to do with the dissolution of the marriage. My mom always raised me with the saying “Respect has to be earned,” and I’m realizing now that maybe what I was taught growing up isn’t exactly true. Respect is like love: It should be unconditional. This is certainly a hard concept for me to understand, because there is this association that I have between respecting someone, and approving of their choices. I’ve learned that these are not the same thing, and that respect is something you should give to everyone. Every person on earth was created by God, and how can you choose not to respect God’s creation?
Val – Love what you said so much that I tweeted it. You always add such insight my friend.
Ally – First of all, I am wearing a big sweater today. Made me think of your post.
Secondly, my prayer is just like you said–that we wouldn’t do any of this alone. That will take work on our part to a) find people to help us b) find people who will speak TRUTH into us and not let our pain dictate their advice, but let God guide their advice. May we all help each other trust in Him. Amen to friends like you who help me do that.
Susan – The depth of your trust is inspiring. My prayer is that like Ally said above, you will have support from people around you…but then I also pray that other women who are hurting will come into your life so that your FAITH and obedience can be a testimony to them. You are incredible.
Lisa – Thank you Lisa for your encouragement and words about…less words. (-:
Kaitlyn – Oh my dear…you have it figured out. What you said has taken me 10 years to grasp and process. Thank you for your willingness to tackle and believe something that is so contrary to culture and our nature, but is so full of power and obedience. You will be a voice on this, I can tell. Thank you!
Joy! What sweet words-thank you! And yes, I definitely have a support system of a few close, Christian friends. The disease of addiction causes isolation in the family it effects because of the shame and embarassment they fear.My advice to anyone would be to seek God first, but you don’t have to walk this alone. Find a support system you can trust-maybe even a biblical counselor. I know that if my husband’s drinking progresses I may need to seek good Chrisian counsel and possibly have some Christian men speak with him. I pray that God will lead me if that becomes necessary.
You are spot on Joy with your response to this painful question… Great job!
My father is a fresh recovering alcoholic, he is 73yrs.old & recently completed a treatment program. I never thought I’d see the day! It was a struggle for me to honor him over the years, one of my greatest challenges to date, and while doing so make it clear that I did not condon his bad behavior when under the influence of alcohol and set boundries for myself and my family.
Love & Respecting my father reflected the grace from God that I experience on a daily basis and am soo aware of in my own life. Many times my actions more then my words ministered to my father over the years; preach the gospel at all times and whenever necessary use words… make those words be loving & respectful.
Remember to Love & Respect yourself also and set boundries of safety around you from an abusive situation as well; Joy is right to remove yourself from a dangerous situation immediately.
Never give up on your loved one(s) trapped in abuse, never stop praying for them. My heart and prayer go out to you all knowing how hard this is and how painful and complicated life is with an alcoholic. Peace & Direction be clear as you seek God in all things and through all things in your life. Lisbeth
Susan – Yes Yes Yes to not doing this alone. Isolation won’t work. As you have probably learned, there are good and not so good people to share your pain with. Telling some people may bring more shame to your husband. Telling the right people will bring support, grace and prayer. Praying we all reach out to the right people!
Lisbeth – Wow, I had no idea. You and Susan both are leaving legacy’s through your responses to these men. Never minimizing your pain, but glorifying God through your choices in response to your pain.
73! That gives me such a perspective never stop praying – just like you said.
I totally agree that the wife of the alcoholic should show respect – but someone else’s addiction can DRAG the entire family down. It is unsafe and scary to be married to an alcoholic. I know – because I WAS married to an alcoholic. As the alcoholism progresses … legal troubles ensue along with health issues, money problems, job-loss and the roller-coaster ride of emotions. It is good and honorable to act right even when someone else acts wrong – but even GOD separates. I don’t believe God requires that we STAY in situations that can destroy us. In my situation – it was a generational addiction (family behavior) for the man I was married to.
Thank you Joy.
Great answer. Focus on the positive.
I know this has/will help many others.
K, bye
Kaitlyn thinks...
I had a hard time understanding that respecting someone, especially someone who doesn’t deserve it, does NOT mean that I’m relinquishing control, or power. In fact, many times, it gives me so much more control that I felt before.
| at |