I’m turning 30 soon and I am single. All of my close relationships are with couples. Ideally I would love to be in a community where men and women, older and younger, married and single, connect. But because it seems as though my friends have just kind of accepted me as the single girl, no one seems interested or available to help connect me with any single men.
Am I expecting too much from my close friends?
I admire that you ideally want a community of mixed ages and relationship statuses, but you seem resigned to who is around you. Unless you live in a remote commune where literally the only people you know are married, then it would be my assumption that you could branch out and meet some new people.
Based on your personality, this may be very uncomfortable for you, but it may be a good thing to consider doing if you want to diversify your community. But if you are really stuck on that married-folk commune, then I don’t know who they could set you up with anyway.
I guess you could wait for one of their kids to grow up.
But regarding the question of “expecting too much” from your friends, I say NOT AT ALL.
It’s OK to express your desires to them. But consider their feelings as well. Many couples avoid setting up their single friends because they fear making a mistake in who they choose. Many married people also reflect on how they felt when they were single. Some despised being set up, so they assume everyone else does, too.
We all have different desires and levels of comfort. We all have thoughts on how things in life “should” happen. So unless you state to your friends that you would appreciate their involvement in your dating life, they are probably following what they wish people would have done, or not done, for them.
Ask them to keep their eyes open to serve you in this way and express your heart’s desire. Also, take your desires to God and ask Him for peace in the waiting. And, while you are waiting, ask your married friends how you can serve them and check in with God about how you can serve Him.
Or you could move to India. I hear they make some nice arrangements there.
From my heart,
Joy
p.s. I don’t believe serving should stop when you get married. It may just look different. Maybe it looks like reaching out to your single friends?
Do you have any thoughts for this single-and-ready-to-mingle-but-all-the-single-men-in-her-life-might-be-four-years-old-female?
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This situation is hard because there’s a tension between married couples wanting to allow their single friends to be joyful and at peace in their current role (and purpose) as a single person as well as being over involved in your love life.
I think (as a single woman with growingly married friends) it is not their responsibility to do so and therefore hopefully you won’t be upset if they don’t connect you. However IF they feel comfortable and IF you give them the green light it could be a great means to meet people!
I would agree with Val maybe it’s time for a dating website or something because to be honest, at a certain point the majority of your married friends will have mostly married friends (it’s a demographic thing based on multiple factors I think). Often it isn’t that they don’t want to help you but rather don’t see any options (or are afraid the ones they do have aren’t going to work out).
I pray that any frustration you feel goes to good use. God does not waste time waiting sisterfriend. It might sound extreme but I’m feeling some Romans 5 about how suffering produces character and character, hope… through this you continue to grow your hope in the Lord! Put your eggs in THAT basket if you know what I mean 🙂
“I guess you could wait for one of their kids to grow up.” I almost spewed coffee all over the screen because this thought may or may not have crossed my mind as I am in a very similar church situation as this lovely lady.
I am nervous to ask my married friends for help in this arena. A couple of couples have told me that they would set me up, but they don’t know anyone good enough.
Serving my married friends has been amazing. I’ve learned so much from them and their kids. I honestly have never felt more fulfilled in my single life. I know that I am not alone because I have all these godly married folks looking out for me. I just hope that they know that I am looking out for them as best I can.
If you want to meet more people (possibly single guys) Try branching out in your activities! Go to some local concerts, join a knitting circle, volunteer at festivals and community events, get involved in the community of your town/city and you’ll meet loads of people! Keep the old friends, but there’s no harm in going out to make new ones.
Also, if you want your friends to set you up, just let them know! I’d say they probably just don’t know if you’re comfortable with it or really *how* to set you up with someone. It may be difficult to set up two people without making it an awkward meeting… you can’t force some things…
haha. india.
awesome.
Paul, if I’m not mistaken, says to embrace single. I’ve learned to do that myself. I’m 32 (come may 23rd) single, and all of my friends are in relationships, or married with kids. I could easily force marriage- I could have married about 45 times actually. To great Christian guys- but I would have been forcing or marrying out of lonliness or filling a void that God needed to fill.
It’ll happen. =)
I don’t look to my married friends to fix me up for a couple of reasons.
1. They stink at it. I recently had a married friend suggest I ask out an ex-GF. She knew that this person was an ex but had to be reminded by me that by ending the relationship previously, it meant that I was pretty much convinced we weren’t a good match.
2. My married friends aren’t part of my single life, but I am part of their married life. I spend time with them as a couple or with their families, but they don’t come out and act “single” with me when I do stuff. They don’t necessarily see me in single mode. I go dancing a lot and have a bunch of other hobbies and they don’t see me in those arenas. They also don’t see other single people in their “arenas” so most of the time they end up putting together 2 single people together just because they’re single, not for similar interests.
Beth- Great advice to branch out in your activities, but just a reminder to all the single ladies, you won’t meet men at a knitting circle. As a guy, I won’t meet women at a cigar tasting event (although that would be really awesome 🙂 ) I’m suprised how many single people really don’t get this. But the main idea is to go out and do something. People doing something are more attractive than people doing nothing.
Val – I think being honest with your friends. Asking them if they want to be set up. If they say yes, tell them you want to do a good job but explain your fears in letting them down. Most normal people should understand that you have good will. If your friend is exacerbated and annoyed then tell her that you sympathize with her, you won’t try to set her up, but then point out the “good will” on the side of the people who are trying to connect her with someone.
No one is intentionally trying to set someone up with a bad date. Sometimes as we get older and feel “left behind” we can get more sensitive if we are insulted by someones “match” for us. And to that I say…
I understand your pain. Your sensitivity, and even the feeling of being insulted. But…grow up. Your friends are trying to help and if you keep this attitude up, they are going to stop. Give some grace.
Your friend may need to lovingly hear that from you.
Laura – I think you are REALLY going to like my video on “The One” Part 3. Very much in keeping with your words. Amen.
Jennifer – I live to make you ruin your computer via spit and coffee.
Beth – Making new friends is always a good call! Who knows, someone in the knitting circle might have a brother.
RK – You passed up 45 Christian men? Please send them to Portland. Thanks.
Aaron – Haha…I am glad you have figured out what works for you. Or should I say, what doesn’t work for you. Sorry your friends don’t make the cut for match maker.
Oh, and I’ll give the girls from my cigar circle your #.
What a sweet response! Yes, there is always a risk factor involved with the set-up. I think for my friend it was the fact that she got her hopes up, enjoyed herself, and then, for a number of reasons (long-distance being the major factor), he decided not to call for date #2. That was disappointing, and I think she felt like she made herself vulnerable by saying yes in the first place. I tell that story b/c I had to shift from supporting her in setting her up to supporting her as she dealt with the disappointment and frustration of him not calling. Which makes me sit up and remember (not that it was all that long ago) that dating can be an emotionally exhausting endeavor. Set-ups, it seems, need to be taken pretty lightly if they’re going to be successful.
okay not 45. like 2. but still….
Oh, yeah. Val, can I be your single friend. 😉
Ohh, this is a hard one. I have lots of single friends who ask me and my husband to set them up, but it’s really hard when they aren’t making a big effort to be “marriable.” So we usually avoid the subject because we don’t know how to tell our friends in a loving manner that they might have some things they could work on. Actually Love and Respect might be a good book for singles to read because then they might realize what men and women really want in a spouse and can work towards building those in themselves.
My advice is 1)pray,pray, pray let your requests be known to God “Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition ([b]definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God.” (Phil 4:6 Amp)
2) Preparation/grow – “What r u doing to be the desirable one?” There is a whole lot of equipping that she needs to continually grow in as a person. 3) I agree w/ Joy mix it up girl. Create opportunities to meet good men, another fellowship with more men… sign up for a college class..try the gym or Martial arts to find guys with testosterone flowing-but be aware -meta physics /eastern philosophy is predominate in this setting. God fearing men are found in Church if that is your priority.
4) Communicate with friends and seek help. There is always the Millionaire Matchmaker if u want adventure and drama.
I love introducing my friends to new people. I love to have BBQs and invite people from random groups of friends so they can meet each other and maybe find new friends. Two of my friends married each other this way.
Let me know when you are free, I’d be happy to introduce you to some of my single friends.
@Jennifer C: I am always in the market for new friends. Next time you’re in Chicago, look me up!
@ The Single Girl:
well ride your unicorn to the largest church near your “commune” … the probability is … because it is a large church there might be a lot of singles there and therefore a singles ministry or young adult ministry might be there. Now once you are there just let everyone know that you are single and are accepting new applications for friends … but make sure that your creep-o-meter is fixed before you send the vibe out .. other wise life will be like a box of nuts you will never know who you will get … 🙂 Good luck though!
Val thinks...
Can I just say: I would be over the MOON if my single friends wanted my help in being set-up! Here’s my idea for a future, not-so-anonymous Ask Joy:
What are some guidelines in setting up my friends? I share their joy when I set them up successfully, and cringe with them when things go wrong. I have one friend that just can’t take it anymore (I don’t blame her, but also feel like she may be overreacting and prematurely shutting up her heart… but I won’t go into details on that). Is there a “list” of things I should consider in setting up my wonderful, attractive, brilliant amigo/as?
Gracias.
And hey, I know lots of great folks on e-harmony or ChristianCafe. My brother met his gf of three years through one of these sites. And they are pretty blissful…
-V
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