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Watch the intro to find out what this is all about: RSOTU Intro (1 of 15)
Men: Do you agree with what the men said about her respecting who you choose as friends? In what other ways have women challenged your ability to make decisions? Do you think that was their intention?
Women: If you have legitimate concerns about his friends, how have you handled it? Has it been effective? Why might your words wound him?
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Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
One thing these men seem to have in common is that they are intentional about their friends; they seem to recognize that their friends are a part of themselves… that’s because they’re quality guys (I would expect no less from you, Joy). Quality people are going to have quality friends — except for those wonderful, super-generous people-people who have boundary problems; it usually takes them longer to learn it’s okay to not be friends with jerks.
Lisa – I hope I get this right when I get married! Sounds like you guys are aware and have a healthy balance.
Renea – Yes – quality men should have quality friends. I kind of alluded to it in my question to women, but I do know there are the cases of guys who do have unhealthy friendships. I still think this connects with that because I think we have the power to address our concerns in a way that doesn’t make them feel like we are bashing their judgement. We shouldn’t sit by passively if our man is spending time with someone who is bringing him down.
But that’s another conversation…
For me to respect my husband’s friends, they have to respect his marriage to me and understand that I am his life-mate and friendship priority. If another male friend expects to spend a lot of time with him (without me) then we will have a serious discussion and set healthy boundaries. If the friend shows resentment toward me, I expect my husband to stand up in defense of me and enforce safe boundaries with his friend.
Margaret – I understand your feelings and I do believe a husband should stand up for his wife if one of his friends is being immature and wanting more alone time with him than you. I do however believe that you should always be respectful and kind to his friends – because they are human beings. How you treat your husbands friends will speak volumes to your husband. Kind of how it speaks volumes to a woman when her husband is sweet and kind to her mother even though he has “in law” issues.
I would encourage you to ask your husband questions about why he values his friendships and appreciate his desire for male time before setting up too strict of boundaries. And I would also suggest you both set the boundaries – not just what the more dominate partner thinks is best. Just as there are certain things that give you life, I am sure having guy time (without you) will give your husband life to come back and be a better husband. I’m not part of your marriage, so I can’t say 100% what it’s like – He could be neglecting the family and staying out late every night at the bar with the boys, which would be an issue to address.
But if he’s a good willed guy who just needs some man time, I hope as women we will all appreciate that and not keep our men on a leash… ‘Cause that would make him our pet, not our partner.
I sometimes get concerned with some of the guys my husband hangs out with. There is one in particular who doesn’t seem to get the whole marriage concept and has said inappropriate stuff, like about how my husband is whipped if he chooses to do something with me instead of playing xbox with him. And i just feel like saying “Its not because he’s whipped, its just because i’m cooler than you. anyone would choose to hang out with me over you”. (That’s not respectful, is it?)
My husband’s best friend recently moved, so its been difficult to fill that void in his life. I try to encourage him to try and develop a friendship with some of his acquaintances, but i’d prefer if it was someone other than the guy mentioned above.
Mary – You make me laugh. What I can tell through all the comments from you is that you and your husband have a pretty solid friendship. I think you can be honest about your preference issue of his friend while affirming him simultaneously. Anyone can hear truth and if they are normal, would want to know how their spouse felt about their friends. It’s just figuring out if they are going to feel like you are sending a deeper message – and for guys in this scenario it would be that of you questioning their ability to make decisions (i.e. friends.).
Hey Mary,
I’m no counselor, BUT, I had a problem with my fiance’s brother a while back. This brother would be rude and say things to poke at me, things that were unloving and stirred up my anger and resentment.
I’m not sure what caused him to be this way. But I did figure out that the brother was afraid I would take my fiance away so much that he might never see him again. I think it is often fear that motivates male friends to take it too personally when a female joins with their ‘best bud’. I’m not sure if that’s the case with your hubby’s friends, but maybe it is PART of the problem?
Anyways, to make a long story short, my fiance actually had to go straight to his brother. He sat him down and had a ‘guy conversation’. He said he was serious about me, that I was important to him. He even went so far as to say that in order to show respect for who he was as a man, that the brother must respect his decision to marry me BY learning to treat me with gentility and respect. He said he wouldn’t tolerate any mistreatment of me and that there would be ‘issues’, and ‘consequences’.
Just that simple conversation with his brother was enough of a shock that he ‘got it’. He still didn’t like me very much, but he did start acknowledging me, giving me space and time with my guy. As I got that, I felt more comfortable having him over, letting him have time with his brother, too. I think sometimes it’s good to set parameters to start with, before things get sticky, so that guys know what is and isn’t acceptable to say to ‘the wife’.
Joy, would you have anything to add to or clarify this post??
I think the comment that Brett (?) made about valuing the guys friendships as a way of showing respect is huge. It really shows that you trust him to make wise decisions with who and how he spends his time. If there is concern in the people he chooses to spend time with, this may point to a bigger lack of trust or low value of his decision making.
If there is a desire for me to question a guys friends, it is a lot more effective to keep him from being on the defense but rather getting on his side to understand why he values their friendship so i can appreciate it more as well. The conversation doesn’t have to open with, “Why would you want to spend time with him? I don’t get your friendship with him outside of FIFA which is stupid anyway.” There is plenty to ask about his friendships that shows an effort to see and understand.
Schala – I think what your fiance did in this case was really healthy. It sounds like to me like your fiance did this on his own and not because you were trying to keep him from his brother. Men generally want to do the right thing and protect their women. In this case, it needed to happen and your man did the honorable thing. So glad you are responding by inviting his brother into relationship with you all. A sign of maturity on the part of you and your fiance. Blessings on your marriage!
Hayley – I think you are right on. It’s amazing how many of us make attacking or accusatory statements before we ask genuine questions. People respond when they feel someone genuinely wants to understand them. They don’t when they feel interrogated.
lisa thinks...
My husband and I have a mutual respect for each other’s need for male/female bonding. Striking the happy balance is our goal. Too much of it either way, we can get out of whack. Men and women need each other…a happy buffering that happens over time. We see it in our single mothers…wish they had some male buffering. At the same time, I can see in myself I can get too rough being in a house full of men. I need that girly time to stay centered in my femininity. Just like my husband needs his man time when he works with too many females.
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