Watch the intro to find out what this is all about: RSOTU Intro (1 of 15)
I thought I was just being polite when asking a guy if he “could” do something for me, but apparently the difference between “could” and “would” is huge to guys. Questioning a man’s competency can cut him to his core – but he may not show it.
Men: Can you think of something a woman said to you (jokingly or seriously) that made you feel incompetent? How did you react?
Women: Can you think of a time where you may have done this (jokingly or seriously)? Do you remember the guys response?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
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I’m really enjoying these! Keep them coming. Having gotten engaged 3 days ago, I’m thinking even more of what I say before I say it. I want to build my future husband up and encourage him, and this discussion definitely showed me some ways I can do that. (and things NOT to say) Thanks for the honesty guys!
I appreciate the men making the connection between respect and competency. It creates in me a sensitivity w/ communication toward my teenage boys and husband. If I’m understanding correctly, posing a question like: “Are you willing …(fill in the blank)?” is more respectful because you are not questioning ability but willingness? Also, asking for help creates an expression of respect. I suspect women who use commando styles of communication will have a harder time of cultivating respect in her life. I also wonder about the very independent/”I can do it myself” woman that will miss out on a gentleman’s respect b/c they don’t ask for help when they need it. It’s easy to see the humility that is built into respect.
When I think of questioning competency I often think of Jesus healing a leper. Matthew 8:1-3 “… A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.” Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” Immediately he was cured of his leprosy….” Besides the fact the leper calls Jesus “Lord”, those verbs “willing” and “can” stand out for me. It seems in our “willingness” the ability of “can do” is amply demonstrated. Does “willingness” have a non-verbal body language to it? hmmm
So let me ask: If a willingness to help is communicated, is it possible less questioning of the individual’s competency will occur?
Not only in relationships but in a work setting, to assess ability and willingness is normal but to temper the evaluation with respect is really important!
I was thankful for the great reminders in this post. I try my best to be respectful to my husband, however I often joke around with my brother and brother-in-law in a similar way to the “disrespect” story. It has never been brought to my intention that I may be hurting their feelings, but these other men in my life deserve to feel respected by me as well. It is way past the time to get over juvenile teasing and treat them as the men they are. Thanks for enlightening us, men!
I am probably guilty about joking about something that I thought was humourous but was actually disrespectful. I should watch that.
Its interesting the difference the words Can and Will can make. I will make an effort to ask my husband if he will do something, since i already know he can do them.
Excellent post. Thanks for sharing guys
I think, both: Ask if he would please help by putting something somewhere else (while he’s engaged in another task). But blow it up by then doing it “for him” 5 minutes later. True, one thing may lead to another and I may forget, in which case I may need gently reminded. However, if I’ve not disengaged from the current task immediately to accomplish the second, don’t just do it “for me”.
Alece – I was pretty clueless about the would/could thing too. But it makes sense now!
Jess – Congrats on the engagement. That is so incredible.
Lisa – I think you have it right. It honors them when we ask them to serve, not question their ability. Men want to serve, but they also want to know you believe in their ability to do so.
Tara & Mary – Yeah, I don’t know if I will be dropping my sarcastic, joking nature anytime soon. But I AM learning HOW to joke around and what things are actually quite cutting to a man.
PK – I am totally guilty of just taking care of it instead of letting someone do what they told me they would do. I think if I do it, then I don’t have to be let down that they didn’t do what I asked. “Gentle reminder” is key. Thanks!
It was humbling to be reminded that men have insecurities just as much as women do. I tend to forget this truth. I realize the valuable truth of asking the question with “would” instead of “could.”
I wonder if the men who pick up on the would/could thing are pickier in their vocabulary… ’cause that sounds like something that I, as a copy editor, would pick up on. (Drives me nuts for a writer to use the word can when he/she means may — ability to vs. opportunity [or permission] to.)
Are there men who don’t pick up on this nuance of meaning and brush right past the woman’s exact word choice but hear that she is asking for help? Or is that hoping that men will read subtext? (And if you haven’t tackled this topic, it might be a good one —> why do women often prefer to communicate in subtext rather than saying flat out what we mean? We do this with one another and with men!)
OK, yeah, the saw thing is pretty obvious. Yeesh. Note to self: don’t ask such a question. Not only is it disrespectful to the man, but it’s also plain stupid. “Here’s your sign.” ;o)
alece thinks...
guys — thank you for being so honest and candid. i needed to hear things spelled out this practically and clearly. i had no idea how powerful words like “i’m proud of you” and “would you help me” can be. thank you!
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