Watch the intro to find out what this is all about: RSOTU Intro (1 of 15)
Men: How were you taught as a kid to treat women?
Women: How were you taught as a kid to treat men?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
When it came to being good like the Father in heaven the “golden rule” applied (Matthew 7: 12 “Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” ). As I matured, being gracious was part of my training. Letting men be gentlemen was better than racing to the door to be the women’s liber “gentleman”!
When my hubby and I lived in Romania one of the cultural respect clues was to let a man kiss my hand. Shocking coming from coming from good ole USA-my husband never adapted to this cultural demonstration of respect (a girl can dream can’t she?). Kissing the hand was a sign of great respect when they said “Sa’rut mana” (I’m kissing your hand) and did this. It was saying they respect the work of women’s hands. Older men typically did this with great sincerity, fewer younger men did this. If a stranger came to the door asking for bread and he wanted to kiss my hand, it would have been extremely rude to refuse it. Being gracious is really something to grow in. On a funny note: I made the cultural faux pas of kissing a woman’s hand ONCE….I learned it is only for men to do that to women. Very inappropriate for a woman to kiss another woman’s hand! Ha Ha, live and learn right?!
i don’t remember being directly taught how to treat men, but the examples lived out in front of me were anything but respectful. someday i’d like to sit down with my dad and ask him that question of what makes him feel respected. i’m curious what his answer would be…
One simple way is choosing not to question why or how we (men) do things. It is one thing to question with a sincere desire for understanding so you (the wife) can best support the husband . However, often questioning your husband’s actions and eve motwith a view to correction of his ‘errant’ behavior feels nothing like support. Instead, and depending on frequency and harshness, it sends one of the following messages: 1. You feel more competent than you think he is2. He isn’t good enough for your standards 3. He is the primary source and even cause of your unhappiness which in a woman’s mind can completely justify the lack of respect for him.
meant…’even motives’ … btw… I realize it is equally important for men (husbands) to love through active listening to, therefore validating, the sincere form of those questions and incorporating the remaining portion of your marriage’s collective wisdom since we are complete when together not appart.
Ok..tired..need spell check on my blogging 😉
@gregory — i so appreciated hearing your thoughts. i think there is huge truth in what you said about the way we question the whys and hows of our husbands…
Cam – “He promoted chivalry not chauvinism.” You sound like you had an incredible role model and I am SURE you are passing that down to your son as well. Carry on!
Lisa – that story is hilarious! Sounds exactly like something I would do.
Alece – Um, I hope it’s someday soon because I would be fascinated to know his answer.
Gregory – I totally agree. I think there is a powerful and not so powerful way to pose questions to men. Hopefully men know though that often women ask questions based on a desire to see everything work and everyone be happy, but it often comes across as questioning a mans competency. Tone, facial expression and wording are key! Thanks for your insight!
Perhaps it’s a bridge too far, but…what if the ladies would stop making us guess what the right thing is…answer questions with answers, not questions. Where do you want to go to eat? What might you like to do this weekend? Do you have input on this subject?
It’s actually over-respecting my opinion when you want me to declare my intentions first, when in fact, you have specific thoughts but don’t want to share them to sway my opinion.
Joy, just catching up on your blog and loving the RSOTU. Your wisdom is sound and I’m anxious to hear from the men in the room too.
The thought that most men are “socialized” for how to act around women but that the same isn’t done for women is super interesting. I never thought about it that way but it is totally true. Now my wheels are spinning…
And Gregory, what you wrote here reminds me of what so many men said in the comments section of my blog yesterday. I posted a list of ways that women can help their man want to “be a man” and asked men to help contribute. Overwhelming, unanimously, men said criticism kills their spirit.
Also, on an unrelated note… should I be embarrassed that this is what I’m doing on a Friday night? Hmm… well, no more time to wonder about such things. It’s past my bedtime.
And… in a strange turn of events I think I just figured out why I’m still single…
Go THOR..bring back the kissing the hand..thing! Ha okay I know he is fictitious..but did you see how it conveyed respect! LIKE! What do the guys think of Portman’s character response? a)Overly aggressive in her zeal b)suitable c) natural for a mere mortal?
Cam thinks...
I grew up in a house, the oldest of three brothers, so our example was set by how Dad treated Mom and expected us to treat her. Mom was deaf which was a good thing because she didn’t hear how many times we actually messed up. Dad instilled in us that we were not created equal but different and as men it is our honor to treat women better. Opening doors, pulling out chairs, ladies first, paying for meals, and paying attention like she is the only person in the world by just listening were the most obvious examples. He showed us that he was the one prepared to sacrifice before any of us, even though I didn’t recognize it until I grew up. He promoted chivalry not chauvenism. It seemed to be a winning formula for them as they have now been married for 45 years. I hope that someday I will be recognized for teaching my son these values.
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