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Watch the intro to find out what this is all about: RSOTU Intro (1 of 15)
How do you think fear impacts relationships? Is there a solution?
Do you fear the word respect?
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Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
Joy I respect your courage to a have a panel of men critiquing your every move & word! Don’t fear vulnerability and transparency, God is being glorified through it! How does fear impacts relationships? 1)It can impact willingness to forgive. Someone who is not willing to forgive remains in bondage to that person/situation where injury happened. 2) fear can impact trust and breed inappropriate generalizations! Like the baby that is scared of the white rat and that fear is generalized to anything white and furry like beards! (ha praying for a bearded manly man). An example of generalizations gone too far: One man hurt me then all will hurt me…. out of proportion. Women struggle to compartmentalize their injuries to that one person. 3)Fear impact relationships because it is a turn off. 4) Fear inhibits growth or maturity.
The solution to fear: is courage. Confront it, push it out the realm, don’t give it permission to operate in your territory, defang it! The only one I have found to fortify me strong enough to have courage was/is Jesus. Maturity was/is my motivation to fight fear based on this passage: 1 John 4:18″ There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. ” I hate being controlled by fear.. knowing how to fight it properly is my challenge. I do not fear the word respect! I would like to bask in the good fruits of it, but I really want to do it right-weary with so many mistakes. My concern (not fear)is to convey respect in such a way that it is received as respect. For example: When I have thought I have been respectful in words towards younger men it came across as “being fresh”.. somehow I was under suspicion “for wanting something” I was not wanting. Which makes me think respect is so rare these days and men are starved for it, they don’t always recognize/acknowledge imperfect efforts toward it. Respect is subject to the sowing and reaping principle too! What goes around comes around. Good questions Joy, keep going!
Great insight Lisa – My heart hears your heart and loves your thoughts. I love the analogy about the guys not knowing what to do when you were showing respect because they were either starved or didn’t even fully understand what they needed. I think on the flip side – if a girl has been hurt or trust has been broken and then a man is loving towards her, it’s easy to assume he just wants something. Aren’t we interesting creatures? Pain and fear causes so much of a breakdown. I love knowing the source that makes me free in the midst of my fear!
I think that my lack of respect for men definitely came from a place of hurt, but my not respecting men, you create that extra barrier to keep yourself distant from them.
I recently took a group of young people away for a christian leadership training program, and one of the things they had to learn about was respect, and someone comment that respect had to be earned, but the facilitator did say that respect wasn’t a negotiable thing, its something we had to do all the time. Although that was a general comment and not about men in particular but i was pleased to see it being taught about how respect should be the constant and not something tht needs to be earned for us to give it.
That is such a good point about the alternative to respecting people is disrespecting them. That really makes me aware of how negative some of my past actions may have been.
a younger colleague posted something negative about men in her facebook status the other day, and i left a comment about how we should be calling me to be more rather than confining them by the labels we give them, and then i worried that maybe i come across as some preachy righteous older woman, and tried to delete it, but facebook refused, so i guess i was just meant to put that message out there.
I have always been of the opinion that genuine affection towards somebody is naturally accompanied with respect. Maybe I am overstepping myself, but I cannot even begin to imagine loving someone and yet having no regard for that person. I can see myself taking a person for granted after being with him for a while, and I guess that maybe misconstrued to mean a lessening of respect towards that person. Then again this also happens in other relationships, whether with our family members or old friends. For me the real question seems to be–When our needs, desires, and/or expectations are met in a relationship, does this often lead the way towards selfishness or complacency? And if so, is it possible that the other person misreads this complacency for a lack of respect towards him/her?
Mary – Awareness is one of the biggest prayers I have for this series. I don’t think women are intentionally disrespectful — they may just be unaware at the depth of their wounds or the impact of the things they can do and say that filters as disrespect for men. Thanks for helping bring awareness!
Jacqui – Good question you pose at the end! I am sure we all can get complacent in our appreciation of the good things we have. Even in our relationship with God it’s easy to forget about Him if things are going well. It’s when things go badly that we often engage/question Him more.
I also agree that it would be hard to have genuine affection towards someone you love and not also respect them. But I also believe that men and women are uniquely different and some things that some would filter as one thing, is filtered as disrespect to others. My desire is for us to unpack what feels like disrespect to many men that we are in relationship with.
pkphinfan thinks...
Past hurts: Yes, everyone comes into relationships with baggage. Whether it’s relational trouble with a family member of the opposite sex or someone closer to your own demographic, our past struggles will influence our natural defense mechanisms. Being aware that you’re starting a new and vulnerable relationship is intense. But being self aware of your fears and vulnerabilities can aid in achieving the goal (which is a fulfilling, Godly relationship, isn’t it?).
So ask yourself how you shut people out, where or why you might be uncomfortable. What would make you more approachable or comfortable meeting others?
It’s not easy getting out of the defensive posture, but you can figure out how to do it.
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