How do I talk to my boyfriend about his temptations? I haven’t seen anything or experienced anything with him that makes me concerned, but I think it would be naive to assume he doesn’t struggle. I know that I do, and I guess I just want an open conversation. Maybe just be honest about my own struggles and ask him about his?
Pray. Don’t discount this instruction as “Joy is just saying this because she loves Jesus.”
Prayer has power, and it’s incredible to invite God into the timing of your life. Pray for the conversation to happen just as it should and when it should.
As you stated, you want to be open about your struggles. Your openness can be disarming and inviting if the person is ready and willing.
Well outside of being untactful (such as telling the guy on the elevator about your pesky bunan problem when he never even said hello), the Christian life is about being transparent. Living your life in the dark does not promote growth; however, being vulnerable is different.
Vulnerability is transparency with an added layer of entrusting the listener to enter into your emotions. It’s asking the listener to be active in his or her response and even speak into your life or take on some of your burden. This should not be done with everyone. It would be unwise to do so. Just because you want to be vulnerable with someone doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right time.
Note: You also shouldn’t expect their vulnerability to look the same as yours. They don’t cry? They don’t tell details? They don’t dwell on daddy issues? This is where prayer for discernment comes in.
You might want to ask yourself…
Are they not sharing because they don’t feel the need to process all the details (which may be your definition of vulnerable), or do you sense they are hiding things from you? Allow for people to be different in how they share, but be on guard against someone who is keeping secrets.
There is a huge difference…
More to come!
What do you think about my description of transparency and vulnerability? Do you think there is a way to tell the difference between someone simply not being vulnerable when/how you want them to be vs. them hiding something from you?
Do you have a story of praying through a situation like this? What happened?
*(The trigger to this revelation came about from a great conversation with my friends Lindsey and Kyle. They deserve a shout out.)
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
This is an interesting series to comment upon, esp. having just read part 1 and 2 together. Interesting because often I feel like gender stereotypes can come out. I do not cry in front of people, if someone can tell I am upset I rarely give details and I prefer to avoid eye contact and to be doing something when talking about anything personal. Therefore does this mean that somewhere along the line I have suddenly morphed from female to male?
Transparency and vulnerability are both important in relationships heading towards marriage. However, I would change ‘transparent’ to ‘authentic’.
Transparency/authenticity does not mean having to answer every question ever asked by any person, but rather communicating truthfully: whether answering the question in full or saying “sorry, but I cannot tell you that.” In a dating relationship the latter may have the word ‘yet’ on the end. Both are transparent, the second is not necessarily secretive but rather than indication that the answer is at this time either not appropriate or the giver does not feel comfortable or safe to share it. (Different advice may be warranted if this is the answer to “what did you have for lunch yesterday?”)
However, vulnerability only comes with time; it is a glue that binds people together whether in friendship (same gender), dating or marriage. Although I have got into trouble for this before… perhaps being ‘slightly’ (ok, ok majorily) over cautious on the appropriate scale, I do feel that it is important to plot the level of appropriateness of what is being shared against the level of commitment/ stage of a relationship. Something personal that one party refuses to share on date 3 or 5 does not constitute secretive behaviour; it could be that at this stage in the relationship it is not appropriate to share with the other person/member of the opposite gender.
HME – Thank you for your insight. I love your break down of authenticity and going deeper into the timing of something. Someone can be honest about why they are not sharing. And someone can appear to be very authentic but be lying through their teeth. So, that is where prayer for wisdom and discernment comes into play. We must take each situation case by case. Just like we must take each individual as an individual and not “stereotype” too heavily. However, the reason I do point out some gender differences is because I believe there are tendencies that we can see in a majority of men and a majority of women. Anytime in research when you see a majority of something happening – you take note.
From the way you describe yourself, I am like you. My aunt is like you and my grandmother as well. As much as I think androgyny would keep things simple and clear, I have had to struggle to figure out why I do the things I do. I tend to look away because I have been deeply wounded in the past. Eye contact can be scary for me at times. But I also note the story my dad shares in his book about me being a 5 year old little girl and desperately needing/demanding his eye contact. So what changed? Did I feel more safe as a little girl?
If I am honest with myself, if all things were “perfect” I would prefer to have a tough conversation with the man I am with face to face. His eye contact would put me at ease – If I didn’t have the wounds I have. By contrast, I was pointing out that most men are at ease the most when they are in a safe environment and can communicate without direct eye contact.
My prayer is to point us back to embracing pre-wound safety.
But remember, just because we may not fall into the category that most men and women fall into, doesn’t make us less of a woman or more a man. There are always exceptions. Unpacking the “why” is important. For me, I realize that it simply means I have had life circumstances that have contributed to how I now respond. Or…that I just have a high level of testosterone. (-:
Geek-ily, I looked up the definition of both and the difference seems to be the relationship. Transparent is factual, if you will, while vulnerable means that you’re open to criticism thru the relationship stage you’re in with the person. I agree that there is a way to be transparent without being vulnerable and that vulnerability is something to be shared sparingly. Clearly people are selective with whom they are vulnerable and how they make themselves vulnerable, highlighting gender differences. Right On, Joy.
PK – Love that you geeked out. Thanks for doing that for me! Geek away so I don’t have to!
Vulnerability is transparency on crack! I love it! It’s quite fitting. I always thought these two were synonymous with one another, then after reading your definition, realized they aren’t really that close in meaning at all. I would say the heart is the same, but the depth is different.
How can we expect someone else to be vulnerable in a way that meets us where we are at? If we are expecting someone to be vulnerable, even if its directly asking them to be, shouldn’t we meet them at their level, wherever they are coming from? I think when it comes to vulnerability and our perception of someone else being vulnerable, there are so many things that should be taken into account. Life experience, past hurt, and perspectives on life and honesty are some things we should keep in the back of our minds when we have these kinds of conversations. I think of an old saying, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.” If we communicate that we want to go to a certain place and go their ourselves, we are establishing a place of vulnerability for ourselves and we show it. If we expect someone to do a certain thing, act a certain way, etc. we must be the example first.
Speaking of examples and you asking for them….I was being discipled by this dude for about four years and we were walking through some stuff. He wanted me to engage my dad on some stuff, which I did. (Step #1 of vulnerability – check) After doing this he asked me to be the most vulnerable I had ever been with someone, which also happened to be a girl I was dating at the time. He challenged me to let her know what I struggled with, where I was at, etc. So after a week of prayer and really weighing the costs of my pride vs. the cost of a new-ish relationship vs. the cost of trusting the Lord I brought the garbage up to her. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. Also, moments after feeling like an idiot, I was met with more grace than I ever imagined was possible, both from the Lord and her. This stepping out in vulnerability (and faith) for me solidified a lot in my relationship with the Lord and with this girl.
Through my being vulnerable, she saw that I was dropping every guard I had and asking her to accept me as I was, all broken and messed up. She responded and was able to do the same for herself. We met each other where we were at which allows for Christ to flow on through along with some seriously open lines of communication. Not sure if that’s the experience that you were looking for or not…..
Adam – That was exactly the type of story I was looking for! So powerful. You sought counsel, you sought the Lord – you obeyed in what seemed to be the next right step and you were overwhelmed with His grace through another human being who was obviously also seeking to do the right thing. Thank you so much for sharing – I know it will be an encouragement to those who read. Thank you for being an honorable man.
I’m really digging this discussion. I appreciate the nuances/differences being combed through here between transparency and vulnerability. I like the geeky definition that pkphinfan provided as well. Seems like being transparent with facts is easier-less emotional which may be “safer” in more settings. Being vulnerable does need a prayerful approach, one should be more selective. One down fall of sharing vulnerability inappropriately can make the listener feel obligated where they did not want to feel involved-creating feelings of anger.
** sigh**Prospering from my own mistakes. Feelings of regrets are real if we have been vulnerable when we shouldn’t have, but God has a way of working good through it all anyways. Romans 8:28! I’m praying for more discernment when and how to be both transparent and vulnerable. Thank you Adam for sharing the results of being vulnerable…we really shouldn’t fear it …trusting Christ in it does grow our faith.
Lisa – I feel you. I am selective with who I am vulnerable and STILL I have been wrong. Often times the areas when I have gotten burned are because I was trying to create a false sense of intimacy and the timing was not right! The times when I have been vulnerable with the right people is often similar to Adam’s story. When people are truly trying to be like Christ, their response can only be filled with strong love and strong grace and assistance as we try to grow.
Awww, can you make me sound insightful every day?
I think we were simultaneously commenting on each others’ posts. Love me some world wide webular magic.
I like HME’s description of timing, too, and your words on discernment, Joy. I feel like God’s been teaching me recently about discerning the hiding vs. timing thing.
My sister has always been a really private person, and I’ve always been really transparent. When I’ve tried to be vulnerable with her in hopes that she will reciprocate, she feels judged by me and shuts down, as if I’m projecting my feelings on her. I, in turn, feel rejected and unloved. But the lightbulb finally came on recently when I realized it’s not about her not loving me and wanting a deep relationship. We just can’t go there until she’s ready and feels safe, which may be years from now.
On the other hand, I was in a relationship with a guy who appeared to be really vulnerable by sharing some hard stuff with me early in the relationship, and continuing to share with me even when it was hard for him. It wasn’t easy, but I gave him grace, and I respected and loved his honesty. However, something never quite sat right in my spirit about him, and I fought and fought to figure out what it was. Was I being fearful? Not giving enough grace? Did we just need more time? Turned out, he was lying all along about the depth of his junk. He was being “vulnerable” to the point of crying on my shoulder, but he was still hiding. He was afraid of losing me, and in the end, he did because he lied.
The timing is major in someone being able to be truly vulnerable and to offer grace. But there is also the truth that when you let sin stay in the dark, it festers and grows like fungus. With the Holy Spirit’s guidance, getting it all out can be the very thing that helps along the healing. That needs to happen in a safe place, but no relationship is going to be risk-free.
Like you, Joy, before that experience, I had no trouble maintaining eye contact and loving it, ever since I was young. But since then, it’s been scarier. It’s somewhat to do with the fact that the guy wouldn’t maintain eye contact with me, but also because my trust was broken severely. I misread hiding as timing, and I paid dearly for it.
I too pray for the ability to embrace pre-wound safety.
Elle thinks...
This topic has been boggling my mind for the past few years!! That’s all I have to say right now…
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