With my recent trip to Oxford, I have had C.S. Lewis on the brain. I want to continue the conversation inspired by his writings in Mere Christianity, and would love to hear your take on “the thrill.”
People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on ‘being in love’ forever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change — not realizing that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one.
In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last.
The sort of thrill a boy has at the first idea of flying will not go on when he has joined the R.A.F. and is really learning to fly. The thrill you feel on first seeing some delightful place dies away when you really go to live there. Does this mean it would be better not to learn to fly and not to live in the beautiful place? By no means.
In both cases, if you go through with it, the dying away of the first thrill will be compensated for by a quieter and more lasting kind of interest.
What is more (and I can hardly find words to tell you how important I think this), it is just the people who are ready to submit to the loss of the thrill and settle down to the sober interest, who are then most likely to meet new thrills in some quite different direction. The man who has learned to fly and become a good pilot will suddenly discover music; the man who has settled down to live in the beauty spot will discover gardening.
This is, I think, one little part of what Christ meant by saying that a thing will not really live unless it first dies. It is simply no good trying to keep any thrill: that is the very worst thing you can do. Let the thrill go — let it die away — go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow — and you will find you are living in a world of new thrills all the time.
But if you decide to make thrills your regular diet and try to prolong them artificially, they will all get weaker and weaker, and fewer and fewer, and you will be a bored, disillusioned old man for the rest of your life.
It is because so few people understand this that you find many middle-aged men and women maundering about their lost youth, at the very age when new horizons ought to be appearing and new doors opening all round them. It is much better fun to learn to swim than to go on endlessly (and hopelessly) trying to get back the feeling you had when you first went paddling as a small boy.
Lewis, in my opinion nails it again with his assessment of human nature. I often say we are a culture that is increasingly dissatisfied due to all our technological mediums showing us the perfect lives of everyone else. But maybe it isn’t just our generation.
As Christians we know we aren’t promised a perfect life and we are called to preserver, give thanks and have hope in the midst of trials. Why then with love, do many of us long for, or expect perfection?
Sometimes I wonder if what Lewis saw in married people is similar to the characteristics I see among myself and many of my single peers. If “thrill” or a “feeling” is a gauge of quality, and independence is prized, choosing a life-long commitment can seem daunting and something out of our control. I wonder if that can cause some of us to sub-consciously cling to the safety of our independence…even many of us who say we desire to be be in relationship.
What do you think of the thrill? Of seasons? How do you think our generation differ’s from Lewis’?
Do you agree with his assessment that letting go of “the original thrill” will give way to a new thrill?
Can you alter your appetite to have a taste for the “non-thrills?” Should you? What would this look like for a single person?
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Your assessment of the difference between Lewis’s day and ours seems spot on to me. If there are few areas in our life where we commit to our commitments, then we won’t ever have an understanding of what the new thrill could be…and yet the whole reason we leave a commitment is to find a new thrill. We then view God’s desire for us and our marriages as some type of “contraint” rather than an opportunity to experience His design.
indeed.
I love this once again! I too agree with Lewis on this subject. I find it funny that I don’t like the “thrill” but when I have known someone for a long time I get the “thrill” learning, understanding and discovering new things about that person. I think it more exciting learning the ins and out of someone rather than the initial “thrill” of the relationship.
I agree! In terms of dating, I am ALL about a good initial crush…but the people I have fallend hardest for are the people I have known for a long time. It’s like after awhile, something just changes and a new depth appears. I’m ready to practice that with a husband now!!
“It is simply no good trying to keep any thrill: that is the very worst thing you can do.”
Lewis writes about this concept quite a bit. In his fiction it is most notably found in the second book of his Space Trilogy: Perelandra.
Reading an author’s fiction and non-fiction side-by-side, including memoirs and such, is probably the best way to get a good understanding of the person him/herself and the ideas, themes, and worldview (s)he’s writing from.
Lewis’s Space Trilogy is an excellent series, by the way; and the 3rd book is the best of them all.
I was going to mention Perelandra! I still feel guilty every time I put a song on “repeat” because of that book. Ha!
Lewis, as ever, speaks a prophetic word here.
-V
I think the “thrill” is defined differently the longer we ar married. For me, the “thrill” of our honeymoon was definitely a great thing. But after my children were born, watching my hubby feed and cuddle our little ones was a far greater thrill than even the honeymoon. And now that they are older, we have to schedule dates – and that gives us both somethng to look forward to. I don’t think the “thrills” disappear, they just morph into something deeper, more beautiful and lasting.
Well said. I feel the same way about my marriage. With each new season comes new thrills.
This generation differs from Lewis in that “thrills” are constantly accessed and available. We are able to give kids, teens and adults a sugar high about almost anything. With the internet, you can learn something new every minute! Experiences are easy to obtain and sobriety of soul is boring. We’re a generation of people constantly seeking the new “thrill”. We don’t see the beauty of the long-term. Yes, I agree that maturity lends to seeing past the sugar highs in life to the more lasting satisfactions.
Yes, we should edify one another to strive for greater than the “thrills” in life. They ARE greater, though more difficult to obtain, and this is why many do not seek them.
For a single man, they should look past infatuation, look past the “thrill” of a new relationship and initial learning about another person. Striving for the long-lasting relationship that God can sustain through peaks and valleys should be the affection of his heart.
Thanks for this! I love Lewis and completely agree with his assessment. Thrill doesn’t or shouldn’t mean “new” or “change.” The thrill comes in growing in something and uncovering new layers as you go.
I disagree. When Jesus is asked which commandment is the most important he said love. I think your love may look different at different points in your relationship but to say it should die, sounds too sad for my picture of God’s imagine of marriage…Loving from the heart is different than loving out of obligation. I agree we sometimes have to love when we don’t “feel” like loving, but after hopefully a short time the feelings of love returns and the joy of loving your spouse should be thrilling regardless of the length of marriage. I have only been married for 18 years—I hope my thoughts on this stay the same after 50 years of marriage…..haha
Hi Jo. I wanted to reply to your comment. I don’t think that Lewis is saying that love should die, he is specifically talking about the initial “thrill” of the relationship. I love the beginning chapters of the book “The 5 Love Languages” because it talks quite a bit about the difference between the “in love euphoria” and was REAL love looks like. Relationships always start in the euphoria stage and that is what gets us into the relationship in the first place. it is an important stage in the relationship. It is not, however, real love. when you are in euphoria or “the thrill” everything is pretty easy and really requires little to no sacrifice. making time for each other is easy, spending money on each other is easy, showing your affections to one another is easy. this is not real love. When the euphoria begins to fade (and it does in every relationship), this is an essential transition that finally allows for real love to take over. The problem is that many people get stuck here and think that they must have chosen the wrong person. they fall into a “disappointed love” stage and many stay there for the balance of their marriage. For those who can recognize the transition for what it is and who will embrace the opportunity to express real and true sacrificial love to their spouse, they will experience a deeper and richer marriage than they ever thought possible. the crazy thing to think about is that real love (not based on feelings or emotions) can’t really exist at all until the initial romantic “thrill” has passed. I have been married for almost 15 years and my husband and I definitely went through the euphoria stage and then the disappointed love stage. We are now in what I would describe as the real, true love stage and it is so rich. we experience new thrills every day as we grow older, raise our boys and live out the gospel in our community, but we are not striving to get back the original thrill that brought us together. we are not even the same people today that we were back then.
Lewis is right in that our love changes, grows, deepens, and matures. Those who forever chase the initial thrill will fail to find true love, and will lose even the thrill of the initial relationship if that is all they ever experience. We’ve been married over 32 years, and I still thrill at the touch of my wife’s hand or her kiss, but it is so much more today then when we were teens. This is the part of the relationship and deep understanding of each other that the date-forevers, live-togethers and one-night romances will never know. Invest yourself in your relationship without thought for what it will give you and you will be thrilled at the result. We have!
What a great post! I have been turning over this topic in my head quite a bit recently.
I believe the exposure to so much of other people’s lives and relationships has skewed our “thrills”. We think we want what we see instead of trusting the Spirit in us.
I have started praying that my initial connection, or “thrill”, would come from the right things; that my heart would get butterflies based on things I should have affection for. Then, when the butterflies fade, I am with a man that has honorable qualities. This also allows me to be more open to different qualities rather than my set check list.
I love this idea of commitment to things after the initial excitement but it also makes me wonder. What will I be like when I am choosing my affection and finding new things to grow in with that person, rather than it coming as an initial thrill? Will it be hard for me that the man I end up with will have his initial thrill toward me die? All things to hand over to God, to whom we belong to.
At the end of the day, I laugh at myself a lot for having butterflies over things I shouldn’t and know that it will be a learning process together with some man that will also laugh at me, I am sure.
What a rich passage, Joy…and what equally rich comments to read through.
Today at church, the pastor mentioned the phenomenon of the beginning of our Christian conversions. We’re so excited about Him, and thrilled to pray and study the Word at first. And he was saying that whole thing eventually quiets down after awhile. We still love Jesus, but it’s different. It’s more of the sacrificial love and giving of ourselves to Him and others. Since Christ loves the church as His bride, I think it can parallel both ways.
sharideth smith thinks...
the thrill is great initially. those butterflies in the stomach are awesome. for a season. but as Expose’ so eloquently put it, seasons change, people change.
the biggest difference between today’s generation and Lewis’ is that marriage is treated as a dating relationship, not a lifetime commitment. divorce is a “break up” not an utter rending of vows.
letting go of the thrill will give way to new thrills. like anything else, sometimes you let go of one thing to make room for some new awesome thing.
i think it’s a sign of maturity and respect for commitment when you can develop a taste for the non-thrills. it doesn’t mean a couple should abandon the idea of doing/saying/being someone to be thrilled about/with/for though. the zing is important, it’s just not everything. i think a single who understands this should be highly prized among other singles.
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