Stay Connected
Don't leave just yet. Besides these articles, sometimes I send out extra special stuff. Don't miss out. Sign up here.
Since I just traveled to Oxford and spent time spying on C.S. Lewis’s home, college and almost every pub he dined in, I thought it only fitting that I highlight a couple parts from his chapter titled “Christian Marriage” in Mere Christianity. I suggest you read the whole chapter but I have noted a few of my own thoughts and would love to hear yours!
What we call ‘being in love’ is a glorious state, and, in several ways, good for us. It helps to make us generous and courageous. It opens our eyes not only to the beauty of the beloved but to all beauty, and it subordinates (especially at first) our merely animal sexuality; in that sense, love is the great conqueror of lust. No one in his senses would deny that being in love is far better than either common sensuality or cold self-centeredness.
But, as I said before, ‘the most dangerous thing you can do is to take any one impulse of our own nature and set it up as the thing you ought to follow at all costs’.
Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing.
There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all.
Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called ‘being in love’ usually does not last.
If the old fairy-tale ending ‘They lived happily ever after’ is taken to mean ‘They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,’ then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships?
But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from ‘being in love’ — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.
If you disagree with me, of course, you will say, ‘He knows nothing about it, he is not married.’ You may quite possibly be right. But before you say that, make quite sure that you are judging me by what you really know from your own experience and from watching the lives of your friends, and not by ideas you have derived from novels and films. This is not so easy to do as people think.
Our experience is coloured through and through by books and plays and the cinema, and it takes patience and skill to disentangle the things we have really learned from life for ourselves.
I often hear, “we fell out of love” or “I’m no longer happy in this” or “This isn’t the person I fell in love with.” This is sad, but what makes me even more sad is that people are saying this after a year of marriage or after a tough season of life.
One study I read a couple years ago revealed “that five years after reporting serious trouble in their marriage, seventy percent of the unhappiest couples testified that they were ‘very’ or ‘quite’ happy in their marriage.” (The Case for Marriage, Waite and Gallagher, 2001)
I point this out because it magnifies the fact that there is an ebb and flow to life. Seasons of good and bad. I wonder if we are willing to stick it out the tough seasons or become disillusioned when our lives don’t constantly match what we see in the “cinema.”
Married people: Do you agree with Lewis?
Single people: Does it make love and marriage seem less exciting?
With entertainment’s large focus on the “falling in love” stage, where can you find helpful commentary on the second phase of love that Lewis talks about?
What do you think about the “falling in love” stage being instinctual, almost an obsession, while the second phase of love is more of a chosen practice, or habit and represents a far greater amount of the relationship?
Stay Connected
Don't leave just yet. Besides these articles, sometimes I send out extra special stuff. Don't miss out. Sign up here.
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
“it’s not like you’re doomed to fall out of love either, or to have those initial feelings exit the relationship completely.”
I couldn’t agree with Val more! 10 months into marriage and I am very much enjoying the ups and downs. My husband and I have both acknowledged that feelings WILL change – but that’s what the promise is for.
I also heartily agree with Mr. Lewis: “Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing.” Being IN LOVE is not the best thing, but I would wager that LOVING is just about the best thing…
Ahhh! you stole my favorite line from Val’s comment. Love what both of you had to say. This is so great to hear and needs to be shouted from the roof top to all people who fear getting married. Not everyone’s experience will be the same but what I love is Lewis’s reality check that allows us to hopefully gain a less self-focused perspective. Next week I’m highlighting what Lewis says about the “thrill” of love. Again, it’s not that love is without a thrill, but desiring a constant thrill from your partner will only breed disappointment. You and Val seem to be people who are realistic and desiring to show grace. When that is done, I think your perspective of marriage can be broader instead of, “this week is hard, therefore our marriage is SOOO hard. Maybe we aren’t in love anymore.” And then again, maybe you both just have incredible husbands. (-:
Yes, Val’s comment.
Yes, to answer your question, Joy (Lewis’s wife’s name…bing bing bing), this quote from Lewis makes this single woman restful, not disappointed. If the man I marry shares my expectations of ebbs and flows, then we can rest in that reality, doing what we can do to nuture the relationship, but giving grace and space for the tough times.
Yes I agree with Lewis. The “in love ” part feeds that place in your life that is important. It’s the realization that “to be loved” is fabulous! The ” in love” rush however can be prone to “addiction”..you always want more, higher intensity, it’s selfish and has that obsessive, drama quality to it. The adrenaline rush is real. Unpredictability and curiosity is off the chart w/ all the chemisty. Whew* It feels GOOD, in the moment! I wonder if a CAT scan would show being “in love” stimulates a different part of the brain than the “to love” place?
The choice “to love” does brings the maturity, grace, forgiveness, healing, creates stability, and seems more predictable. Makes living very purposeful, evening out the ebbs and flows. Great Joy and peace!
When I read ebb and flow, I have the impression of gentleness, easy come easy go. But some “ebbs” in life actually feel like the “drawdown” right before the Tsunami hits. You know the drawdown where the whole shallow bay has emptied and the fish are flopping and the elephants run to the hills. I wasn’t expecting the drawdown when ours hit. I didn’t discern the warning signs that a destructive wave was coming…but by the grace of God we rode those destructive waves that followed with figurative bumps, bruises and huge setbacks. Thought we might die in the process but we held onto the Rock Jesus and we survived the repeated waves as they striped and ravage us.
We are overcomers, wiser with the experience, and can read the warning signs a whole lot better. Still building on the Rock of our salvation! Having and holding, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from now till death do us part-that’s the plan at least, Lord willing.
This idea doesn’t make marriage seem less exciting to me. I don’t know, maybe I like a challenge 😉 But in all honesty, I’ve come to see how much of a ministry marriage is.. you have to love each other sacrificially, not only for each other but for your children..
I definitely think being “in love” at first is normal, and I would have a hard time marrying someone I didn’t want to, but I don’t expect it to last. I want to grow old with my best friend, I want us to sharpen each other, and I want us to be Christ to each other.
I was just actually reading Screwtape Letters last night, where the uncle (I forget if he is Wormwood or Screwtape at the moment) is telling his nephew how to use the lie of being “in love.” Lewis was so stinkin smart!
haha!! I do believe there is an ebb and flow. I hope this doesn’t make people pessimistic about all the amazing aspects of love, but like your analogy…I think we need to be realistic. After all, we are dealing with another flawed human being. WIthout being realistic, it’s less likely we will show grace!
Yeah, I gotta say, in a culture obsessed with bow-tie ending, we’re obsessed with love. We’re obsessed with finding, finding it quickly, making it easy, and easily throwing it away when it’s no longer fun and easy. I’m not married, but I can easily recall several relationships that were easy to “throw away” because the feelings just weren’t there anymore. I think when you’re single and young, you take advantage of your relationships with everyone because really, will you know that person in five years? Why take the time to resolve or hold on?
I’ve been told countless time by friends who are married that marriage is the toughest job you’ll ever have. I have to agree, how can I not? (They might as well throw in that pregnancy pains are the worst thing you’ll ever experience.. can’t argue there either, why would I try?) In a time where you can “divorce” from your family, grab a meal in 5 minutes, quit your job on a whim.. why not just have disposable relationships. It’s tough to love anyone all the time, we all know.. (I’m told constantly that sometimes my sarcasm is the worst of my traits. I’m ok with that, I’ll live.) As a single woman, I’ve always hoped that I’ve never carelessly given my love away. We all have regrets, right? I can’t seem to think that sometimes my regrets are the things that have shaped my life in the best ways. Is it frustrating that at 30, I’m not married? Yes. Does it discourage me that my last relationship didn’t work out for me, but he’s married now? Yes. Do I still have hope to love someone complete one day? Yes. Do I think it will be easy? No. Why do I have that hope that one day it will work out? I’ll let you know when I figure that out..
I agree with Lewis whole heartly on this subject. It is so hard for our generation because we have been taught to be madly in love or get out. I have never felt “madly” in love (I say infatuated) with my boyfriend but know that I love him. When we first broke up I looked back thinking I wasn’t really ever in love with him. However, that was not the case what-so-ever. It was that I had a kind of love that lasts. Well that is obviously the case because ten years later we are together again (long distance) and moving towards marriage. Being in love is so much better than being infatuated (which is what I call today’s version of “being in love”) with one another!
First of all: Joy, love this blog. Stumbled upon it a couple days ago and I am a big fan!
Secondly, Kiersten, I totally identify with you. I’ve never quite been in the “infatuation” stage with my boyfriend either. Thanks to our culture’s idea of love, I often worried that maybe the relationship just wasn’t quite right because I never had those “head over heels” feelings or whatever. But I’m coming to realize that those temporary feelings aren’t the most important factor in a relationship. It can maybe make the whole dating process a little easier on your brain since you wouldn’t be constantly worrying about the absence of the “infatuation”, but it doesn’t make things last. I could go on, but I think I’ll just leave it at that.
C.S. Lewis is fantastic.
After 5 years of marriage, I’ve learned to appreciate the love that happens after the “falling”. You sink into a love that breathes more deeply and focuses outward. You become this precious team that God has bound together to work together for His glory. Falling in love is exciting and floats among the clouds. Becoming the covenant love is peace and standing on a firm foundation.
… On the good days at least…
This was so good to read. I have been married almost 14 years. I naively thought that the feelings of “falling in love” were love (thank you Hollywood). Unfortunately, those wonderful feelings ended by the second day of our honeymoon, literally! It has been a bumpy road for us. After years of tears and loneliness I have learned that real love is deeper and involves a choice and commitment. I am surprised the divorce rate is not higher than 50%. I do miss those “falling in love” feelings but have accepted that my love for Dan and his love for me is not going to feel like that. We love each other deeply and strive to support each other. It just feels difference than what I thought it would. Oh Joy, where were you 20 years ago? I really needed to read stuff like this. For those singles out there PLEASE take all of this to heart and know that true love goes much deeper that intense feelings. One other thought, why didn’t anyone tell me this stuff growing up? It gives me perspective on parenting, although I have 3 boys. I just pray they don’t end up with girls who are as naive as I was.
Question 1. Single people: Does it make love and marriage seem less exciting?
Yes and no. Yes, because it’s not an emotional road trip of continuous fun and joy. No because…
It’s an adventure.
It’s an adventure because you will get to learn and explore new people; raise little men and women into society builders of vision; kick the cat >_> ; be an encouragement to your women friends, and influence/role model for the young men and women around you. Then as you get older, you can share your wisdom with your grandchildren, and mentor the fledgling young(er) ones around you.
Notes: I think this culture’s attitude on dating has made an interesting effect on our young people. –Which My Lady Kate has already touched on– I think dating is shortsighted for both men and women.
Several factors in this culture set up dating as a shortsighted relationship:
a. Desperation (both parties)
[Desperate Men looking for Respect, and hiding behind a facade of Machismo and Vague unavailability; Desperate Women looking for non-androgenyzed men, seeking the feminist dream and paying for it dearly.]
b.Benefits of marriage without (Mostly Men)
[Men get sex, female companionship, and a live-in housekeeper. Women get… a guy –who will leave if they’re not good enough.]
c. False Hope. (Women.)
[Men are takers, Women are givers. Women keep men by taking before marriage and giving afterwards. If they give before, Men become enititled, and so loose respect. Because a Man’s love is founded upon respect, he will not love or keep a woman he does not respect.]
Think about it ~_^
Question 2. With entertainment’s large focus on the “falling in love” stage, where can you find helpful commentary on the second phase of love that Lewis talks about?
I would ask the older generation. Preferably one who was still around during the Great Depression. Our school system and our culture train us towards self-gratification. So instead of waiting through our good feelings, or making the tough choices during them, we tend to just ride the waves and let go when it’s over. Someone who has grown up with a stronger set of moral values than our culture’s current ‘live-in-the-moment’ attitude would be the best one to give us advice.
What do you think about the “falling in love” stage being instinctual, almost an obsession, while the second phase of love is more of a chosen practice, or habit and represents a far greater amount of the relationship?
Jesus gave us warm fuzzy feelings to keep us interested long enough to develop attachment. But after that it’s up to us. As you all have said, Love is a choice. We can have warm fuzzy feelings for multiple people simultaneously. But we have to choose one. It’s a *Big Choice*, cause it’s for life. I don’t think we should be left to make this choice on our own. I think we need someone objective looking over our shoulders while we are drowning in warm fuzzy highs. I think that the final choice should be made *after* the warm fuzzies are over and everything is level headed again.
I’ve known some very wise women who waited longer than the 2 years of emotional attraction to decide if they really loved their man.
After all, if you won’t choose him when your not feeling good about him, how much do you really love him?
You will need to be able to objectively way both his personality and his character.
I couldn’t agree more with Lewis 🙂 I have always said that Love is a feeling, but it’d also a decision. Then when you don’t ‘feel’ in love, that decision comes through.
As for resources, I would say books (Like this one! Also: Little Women informed me about a lot of what it means to be married 🙂 I love Meg and John Brooke) and trustworthy couples whose marriages you know are solid. Many, MANY married folks are so ho-hum about being married, they just live their lives and make very little effort to cultivate a relationship with their spouse. Sometimes things are out of your control, but I think in many cases it isn’t.
Also: Unmarried people, married people can be VERY pessimistic about being married. (Some of the crap people told me when I was engaged, sheesh! No one would ever marry or *dare* to have babies with the advice I received) Whatever you do, do not listen! Yes, bad things can happen, but being married doesn’t have to be the life of drudgery, boredom, and suffering that many people make it out to be. Being married can be awesome, and most of the time it’s up to you and your significant other to make it that way.
In other news: I like that Lewis is like “so what? I’m single, but I still have a good point about marriage!” Don’t let people tell you you can form no opinions about marriage until you’re married. Sometimes single people give the best marriage/love advice. 🙂
I loved what he said about being single too. Made me feel a little better about my job since I often feel inadequate as a single person.
Loved this hope you wrote: “Being married can be awesome, and most of the time it’s up to you and your significant other to make it that way.”
Thanks!
There are so many books and movies about the initial stages of love, that makes it seem so glorified. There are very few movies that highlight the journey that happens after that, and most movies I have seen that do cover it tend to be boring or depressing.
I remember ending a relationship years ago after a particularly bad experience and wishing for some kind of outlandish extravagant public gesture to make it all better and to prove that he really loved me. I never got it. Instead, he gave me a daily commitment that he would do whatever it would take to win back my trust and love. It would definitely make a boring movie but its definitely what we needed for us. This friday will be our second wedding anniversary!
I love what CS Lewis has written. I do completely agree.
found your dad’s book recommended in a mag a few weeks ago and got an amazon gift card for christmas so here i was about to order it. (the newest one – experience) and found a world of possibilities beyond my $25 lol! I am so encouraged by what I read here. It feels like what my brain has been working on for the last five years, through family problems, engagements, breakups, and finally a wedding and a marriage. I have made myself so nervous over the pessimists, and although we are very happy I find it very hard to communicate with him, even after readin The five love languages. Anyway, I am glad to see this making strides and will do my part to push it along to all the young women I know would benefit. So I guess what I am getting to is a big thank you and a fist-punching keep it up!
P.S. I am 22 and married two months ago.
I agree with what Lewis is saying completely and agree with the girls, marriage is scary becuase of how people make it sound and that single people can have good advice too!
I have been so intimidated by this book, but now I am sure to read it!
Also, the quote that your page runs by is what has been running through my head for the last three years at least. And it is so encouraging to find this site up and running! I am definitely going to push it out there to young people and parents of young people!
Thanks so much and keep it up – I’ll definitely be back for more!
P.S. I was married two months ago. 😀 And ups and downs there definitely are and I am sure children will complicate things, but that is humanity and relationships and as long as I know I am doing what God wants me to be where He wants me to be, I will be joyful! (Even if its hard to show it.)
For me…this doesn’t make me desire marriage less…it strengthens that desire even more. The desire to be known by someone deeply…and having them choose to see me without the “rose” colored glasses…and still choose to stay…that is, in itself the most “thrilling” part of it all. I desire so much to feel secure. And today, so many things today combat our security…it truly feels like a war at times to not give into those feelings that want to overtake us. Yet, when I think of marriage, and true love…security is one of the first things that come to mind. To be secure that this man is choosing you, forever. To be secure that this man will walk with you thru the nastiness of the flue, and even more the nastiness of my selfish heart. To be secure that if you gain a few pounds during pregnancy, or lose a few because of an illness that he still is there. That is thrilling indeed. That is the wild ride that I want to go on. Poetry, roses, and sweet texts/notes are wonderful, and make you giddy at the thought. But what about the wooing of a man who looks you in your eyes when you are at your worst, and makes you believe that you are better than your best. Now the real difficult part is…where is this man! 😉
Val thinks...
I agree with Clive! It was really very helpful for everyone to share with us that our initial feelings would ebb and flow. However, I also felt like the difficulties and hardships that people predicted for us in our first, or second, or third year of marriage were a little overblown: “The first year is SO HARD. You’re gonna HATE it!” “The third year was the WORST. Just wait!” etc.
I guess I’m just saying that yes, your attitudes and feelings change throughout the years, but (maybe I haven’t been married long enough…) it’s not like you’re doomed to fall out of love either, or to have those initial feelings exit the relationship completely. Especially if you’re constantly investing in improving the relationship.
| at |