I met this guy and I have a big crush on him, but I know the Bible says that men are supposed to pursue women. So should I just give up on my crush? Should I just drop it?
I think that fear is at the root of why we deny our desire to pursue or be pursued.
What has been your experience?
Men: What prevents you from pursuing?
Women: What motivates you to pursue?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
I love that you are experiencing peace in the midst uncertainty. It’s a funny thing – I feel the same way. I’m glad you aren’t being totally closed off or playing games though. Make yerself AVAILABLLLLLE. In having to get “in tune” with all of this, I just know that if I was with a guy that I pursued, I would always wonder if he really wanted me, or was just lazy. haha… I think someone made a comment similar to that on Tuesday. Anyways–good luck lady. Hope I get to meet you someday.
joy~i have studied your mom & dad’s love & respect series over and over for several years now. somehow God allowed me to stumble over your “work” and i have soooooo enjoyed it! i have been married for 13 years and have 4 kids now but somehow i still find some sort of kinship with you singles! maybe it’s just a healing process by which to see & figure out how i have done so many things wrong up til this part. God is stirring me up inside though and i truly hope something good is about to happen for me. Some much needed change! Thanks for your work. You are such an awesome testament to your Godly parents and i hope that one day my little ones will make me as proud 🙂 God bless!
Thank you! I was just reviewing a talk today that I did and I shared how I did NOT like my mother in high school…and I’m pretty sure she wasn’t too thrilled with me. I told the women to have hope…because usually those phases pass. (-:
Thank you so much for this Joy! And I noticed that Walter’s hair is kinda short?
YES! That’s why I was so disturbed. Summer cut was no bueno.
I think it’s important to note the difference between pursuing and making yourself available to pursue. There is a difference between saying “Hey, I like you” and “Hey I like you and I think we should date. How’s Saturday at eight?”
Sometimes us girls make ourselves very unavailable to pursue, even if we really like the guy. If he thinks he’s going to get rejected, he likely won’t try. Smile. Flirt. Let him know you’re interested. Cozy up to him as he drives the buggy, but don’t grab the reins. That is definitely the weirdest analogy I’ve ever used.
It is weird. And I like it. I had a visual of the club, and then straight to amish country. Thank you. Perfect analogy in my book = weird.
I love the truth in this, especially the truth that we all need some Naomi’s up in our lives. My first thought, however, was that I really need to get back to the roots of my original favorite colors, pink and purple. Why did I switch my favorite colors to the more adult green and gold? That pink shirt is working for you, Joy, and the contrast of the purple flowers in the background is making me reconsider my current choices.
It’s peach Erin. Leave it to your PC to distort my videos.
Seriously though…Pink and Purple. Rocked those colors back in the day on my first huffy mountain bike. I think we gave them up because they were too “girly.” Let’s bring it back. And braces. Then we can get pink and purple rubberbands.
Appreciate your balanced discussion in dealing with the desires (part dos)! The “harvest of the eggs”.. sounded interesting… nice redirection though;-) Do you think “female empowerment ” from the feminism agenda (1970’S-current) influenced woman as pursuers in a constructive or counter- productive way? Just curious about your thoughts ….I have recently been getting more acquainted with Suzanne Venker’s take on the “Flipside of Feminism.” She addresses the delayed marriage issue and biological/social consequences of that too.
Thanks. I have also been fascinated by the impacts of some feminist movements. I do think it has played a role in how we behave. Not intentionally (I am so thankful for 1st & 2nd wave feminism), but I think fear has driven the embedding of certain mentalities that has caused quite a disconnect for my generation. Certain things that were originally meant to empower us have actually made is weaker in some regards. I am hopeful though!
Thank you for your continued honesty on this subject. It is very refreshing!
You are welcome – thanks for your kind words.
I think for me it’s more confusion than fear. I’ve had woman who I would swear were interested and when I take them out on a date, they talk about other guys….oops.
That’s why I became more intentional with my actions, to avoid the confusion.
Fear is a big factor for guys depending on how they approach dating. If you’re trying the club thing or asking a woman out in the produce section, you increase the rejection factor. With my personality, I tend to want to know a woman a bit before pursuing her to make sure she’s the type of woman worth pursuing and not a slinky girl.
Thank you for sharing Aaron – I know it’s helpful for the female readers and I think it probably reflects the opinion of most solid guys.
Thank you so much for these messages! I was really down for a while about being single and feeling like a freak because I have never had a boyfriend and I am 22! Seeing what other women go through and that we don’t turn into ogres at a certain point because we have the single “disease” has been so encouraging.
I too wonder about this pursuing thing. My problem is I am really friendly with everybody so I don’t really know how to handle the letting a guy know I like him situation. This is has all been really tough lately because of that “biological happening” point you mentioned lol. I always thought kids were annoying, then one day suddenly I am dying to be a mother! *le sigh* Anyway, I will stop now. 🙂 Keep up the amazing work!
Thank you for your encouragement! And I know that the one thing that made my father want to pursue my mother is that he noticed she was friendly to everyone. It will be attractive to the right man and it’s kind of what Christians are called to do. (-:
I loved these videos, Joy 🙂 I feel very strongly about encouraging men to pursue and women to ‘be available’ but without chasing the poor guy down. Everything just seems to work out better that way (huh, it’s almost like that’s what God planned or something….) And there’s something so wonderful (romantic, even!) about being the pursued-one 🙂
And as for the “I want babies” syndrome, I remember the exact moment that it turned over in my mind. The light just went on and I knew I wanted to have children. It was one of the weirdest moments of my life.
Haha…Beth I love hearing that. What was the context? Were you around a bunch of kids or what?
Totally agree with you Joy. Modern society – mind you, society throughout all history – has been actively undermining the roles of men and women. It’s liberating to come back to that place where you are able BE who God intended you to be – to simply ease into what I ultimately find to be an instinctively comfortable role for each of us, just as God planned it.
Thank you Gideon!
I struggle with some insecurities, which are a by-product of fear. Something inside of me keeps telling me that a man will never come after me and pursue me because it’s never happened to me before. All the guys I’ve dealt with in the past have wanted me only for “that thing” so how can I expect this godly man to even want to be bothered with me? I guess I got used to it, although deep down, I’m jealous of the women who can sit back and do nothing and the guys come for them, foaming at the mouth. The good, godly ones, not the trashy clowns that no Christian woman would even consider. But I also feel like men need to step up, and being shy is a crap excuse for not asking a woman out.
Hey Jamillah,
Thank you for sharing your heart. (Awesome name by the way.) You aren’t alone in your feelings – here is a post I wrote on a similar topic that you might be encouraged by. https://loveandrespectnow.com/2012/04/ask-joy-relationship-or-lack-thereof/
Late to the party on discovering these videos, but Im so glad I did! I loved them! I’ve never thought about Naomi, and how Ruth went to Boaz only on the advice of her mother-in-law. Thank you for that insight (and for pretty much everything else in your videos…)
Ive been confused about the whole issue, but now I’m encouraged to just rest in what I know to be the truth about myself: that I would like a guy to pursue me.
Now if I could only remember where I stashed my clubbing crop tops…… :p I mean….I’ll work on smiling and being friendly 🙂
Thanks again! Glad to have found L&RN. Will make it a regular read!
P.S. The bits at the end with Walter…..priceless!
Sara – Thank you so much for your kind words and being honest about what it is you really want. Hope you haven’t been digging too deep for the ol’ crop tops!
Also, I’m not going to be posting on the site for the month of December, but there will still be a lot of stuff happening in the LRN community on facebook. http://www.facebook.com/loveandrespectnow Hope you join!
I don’t think I actually agree with this. I would say with my husband we actually pursued each other. I knew the first time we met that he was interested in me and while he would come up and talk to me at church the guy would just not ask me out, so I finally called him up and asked him out. He asked me out on the second date and then continued to pursue me but I would say I pursued him back, also calling him and initiating things. And that holds true for our marriage, which I think is a really beautiful relationship. I think he takes initiative to create special time for us and I do the same. There is a lot of give and take. I also really struggle with the Disney princess fairy tale thing (my husband and I just had big argument about whether we’ll ever call our future daughter princess. I find the idea offensive, while he thought I was overacting. Our conclusion is that there really isn’t anything inherently degrading or weak about being a princess and that the word has only the connotation that you associate with it.). For me the idea of waiting for a prince is inherently disenfranchising though. And as a girl I was more interested in the poor orphan part of Cinderella and less in the prince part so it was just really disconcerting in bible college when I met women who didn’t want to take active ownership in their own romantic relationships. I just felt like they had a lot of things emotionally invested in the relationship turning out well but weren’t really doing anything to ensure that the relationship DID turn out well bc they wanted to be “pursued.” A lot of women just wanted to wait and be waited on, which I found selfish and offensive. So to me, princess = selfish and offensive. My $0.02.
Laura – Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I hope you watched both of the videos because (unless I did a poor job of communicating) I don’t think I really disagree with what you did. There should be mutual pursuing in the partnership of marriage, but what I am challenging the question asker with is to get in tune with what she really wants long term and to debunk what she assumes Scripture is really saying. (More of that in Pt. 1)
We are free to do whatever we want, but it’s important for us to not deny what it is that we really want and to date in a manner that would set a pattern for marriage similar to how you dated.
I don’t recall saying anything about princessess either but please refresh my memory if I did! It sounds like your experience in college was the filter to what you hear me saying more than what I was actually trying to communicate, but I appreciate your words and think it adds to the discussion. Thank you!
What does it mean to put yourself out there etc ?
FALCORRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
The fact that “Never-Ending Story” is mentioned at the end… oh joy! (slight pun intended)
I am very shy around the guy I am interested in, and I would like him to ask me out but I don’t think he knows for sure that I like him. I am friendly and smile, like you said, but I do that with everyone. I have tried to give him more attention but it is hard for me since I’m more quiet and would feel uncomfortable being very flirtatious. Are there some cases where it wouldn’t be too much of the pursuing role for the girl to be verbal about liking him? I want him to be the pursuer, but can I do that at the same time? Thank you for the thoughtfulness you put into your blogs!
Makeda thinks...
Ha! I loved this and the editing just makes it even better 🙂 Seriously though I really did love this post. I think fear is definitely behind any push on my part to want to chase or pursue a guy. I am in my 30’s and I feel the pressure of “something must be wrong with me if I’m not married so I better find somebody quick”; a pressure that is not just the world in general but I think it is even worse in the church world. Singleness is seen as a disease and for those of us who have this “disease” there is a sense that we need to get married quickly so we can be “cured”. I’ve made the mistake in the past of doing the pursuing and it never worked out for me. So I’m choosing to not go there again with this crush. I’m available and I’m smiling and being friendly so he knows I’m willing if he chooses to go there but beyond that I’m not doing anything more. And the beauty of it is that I have total peace in choosing to wait to be pursued. Thanks again for the great post!
| at |