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I finally decided to sign up for E-Harmony. It took a lot of courage. I want to know your thoughts on online match sites. I am still very apprehensive about the whole thing.
P.S. I am a teacher, and our school mascot is the unicorn.
How can you bring community into your online dating experience, and not become isolated?
Didn’t catch the series that I referenced about asking questions? Start HERE
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Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
Great point about one of the downfalls of meeting people on the internet— isolation. I hadn’t thought of it that way before.
One thing I appreciate about eHarmony is the fee you have to pay to participate. It seems to help keep the riff-raff out. I definitely have had friends get scammed through these kinds of websites (“I’m so excited to be talking to you! Can you Western Union me $500? I’ll pay you back on Friday!”). But I also think simple common sense and caution can prevent that kind of thing from happening.
Great post. nice maxi dress.
Try a dating website . . . if you don’t have time to be social. I joined because I was a working professional and a graduate student. I barely had time to see my best friends. Plus, I live out in the country and eventually I realized that prince charming was not going to ride up next to my house. GPS can’t even find me! I have currently been in a relationship with a guy for a year that I met on e-harmony. Bonus points: he has a farm too!
So wait. DO you have any ideas on how to do “online dating” within COMMUNITY? Because you mentioned that the temptation is to isolate yourself. But how do you keep from isolating yourself while dating online?
I’m trying to figure this out myself. I joined eHarmony a couple of months ago. I’m very big on “community”. I have a lot of people I’m close to and I would want a potential relationship to be incorporated into my pre-existing community. But I’m having a hard time figuring out what that looks like when he lives 1,300 miles away. Do I say, “Hey man, not only do you need to meet ME, you also need to meet me, half a dozen of my friends, AND my family in order for this to work.” It seems like a lot of “pressure” and it seems like a lot to ask. But even last night my friends were expressing “concern” to me about meeting this man and the time we will spend together on the “first encounter”.. They’re looking out for my safety. I value their opinions. I don’t want to cut them out. But I’m also aware that it’s unrealistic to think they will get to know this man as well as I do. Any ideas? Help? observations? anything?
I will say I LOVE that eHarmony allows you to go ahead and get the “deal-breakers” out of the way from the beginning. It’s freed me up to get to know someone without all that nagging in the back of my mind. I’ve enjoyed this process, against all odds (I thought I would hate it!). I will put my vote in: You should try it!!
@Bekah Hope,
You limit your area to your community within a mile range. As you know, you can also limit what religion, beliefs, background, social ideas, etc. As long as you keep it limited, you will get connected with people who are compatible. One thing you have to ask yourself is, ‘Am I willing to leave my church, community, friends, family, home, state, country, etc for someone?’ If not, limit your distance. It works. But first, pray and ask God to lead you!! He will not forsake you if you put Him in charge of your love life! And read the book ‘Stop Getting Dumped’ by Lisa Daily. It’s awesome!
@Bekah Hope, If you feel like there are areas that you are keeping from your close community that would be an area that should speak into – then I think that would be a red flag. But it sounds like you are keeping them involved. You don’t want to make him feel like he is being interviewed, but most people will feel honored that you want them to meet your friends and family. Whether that’s through in-person, phone or skype! It doesn’t have to be a high-pressure thing if the person has nothing to hide.
@Bekah Hope,
My husband and I met on eHarmony and also highly valued community and input from our families and closest friends. Besides this, I was super scared of ending up with a guy who wasn’t who he said he was, due to some very bad experiences a friend went through. So we ended up having one or more of my younger sisters along for all our outings (their impressions of Joe were really helpful to me!) and also spent all our visits together with my family, his family, or some of his friends. Yes, we did get time for private conversation, but others were always around for accountability and to give feedback. Since he lived almost 4 hours away we weren’t able to get together all the time (especially in the earlier stages of our relationship, when we were taking things slower), but we had some Skype convos that my family joined in on, and I frequently shared portions of our email conversations with my family as well.
Another thing: I literally did background checks on Joe, lol. Without him knowing, I contacted one of his closest friends, a pastor he’d actually lived with for a while, and asked a bunch of questions about Joe – hard questions. Tim gave me straight answers, and I also got to speak with his wife on the phone and get a woman’s perspective of Joe. When I told Joe about it later, he was really happy – said he’d dropped hints about how to get in touch with Tim, hoping I’d care enough to double-check on him. That was hugely reassuring to me. Joe in turn asked my siblings for input on me, and they filled him in on some of my quirks and pet peeves. π
All things considered, “community” was a huge factor of our relationship from day one, despite the distance. It worked out really well for us and we have now been happily married for 11 months. God is good!
@Bekah Hope,
Another suggestion is allowing your accountability partner, mentor or closest friend to have the user name and password to your account.
It doesn’t mean they get to nose around or make changes to your profile… unless you need it π but in reality it keeps you honest and helps you to set boundaries because you know that at any time the people who love you and speak truth into your life can read what you’re writing and call you on any emails that have gotten too serious to quick.
I love watching your videos! They’re informative and encouraging as well as hilarious! You crack me up. And your editor seems like a total character. Online dating works for some people but doesn’t work for others. I think if you feel it’s not for you, it’s probably not for you.
@JOY, @linsay,
Careful, Joy…I have LOTS of embarrassing bloopers that could just magically appear online one day. Just sayin’…
I know it works for some people so I’m not going to knock it, but on a personal level I’m not fond of online dating. After swallowing my pride, I tried several different sites (match.com, okcupid.com, plentyoffish.com, christianmingle.com) over a period of two or three years off and on and was never able to make a good connection with anyone.
I did date one girl I met on christianmingle for a couple of months, but the fact that we HAD met on a dating site specifically for that purpose kind of stunted the early friendship stages that I believe are necessary for a strong, lasting romantic relationship. We jumped right into dating each other without getting to know each other very well first and after the whole lovey dovey feelings had worn off, I came to discover that we had very little in common and covered our (many) long pauses in conversation with lots of making out which of course created a false bond of intimacy that was never really there and prolonged the relationship probably a month past where it should have ended.
Aside from her, I went on one other date with a girl who I strongly suspected was a recreational drug user and who definitely was an unabashed ex-stripper as she told me was. So that was…interesting.
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, her profile didn’t mention either of these things as drug-using ex-strippers aren’t really my cup of tea. π
Anyway, I never signed up for e-Harmony because having used another highly rated pay site, Match.com, and never hearing back from anyone I messaged through there, I decided my $30 a month was better spent on romcom DVD rentals and ice cream…I mean UFC pay per views and pizza…
You seem to be an intelligent, funny, attractive young woman and if you’re having trouble finding someone I can only conclude that the men of the Pacific Northwest are retarded. I don’t know if e-Harmony can fix that. π Good luck though!
@JOY, Dumb and humorless, eh? You had me fooled. So I guess at the very least you’re an extremely talented actress so there’s that. π
I keed, I keed.
I think you just need to lower your standards a wee bit and stop demanding that your dates pick you up on a unicorn. Unicorn rentals are pricy and the insurance? Don’t even get me started.
@Matt Gates,
Great post! The idea of stunting the early friendship is important not to overlook. These sites allow us to get some of the big issues/questions addressed up front, and further sort out those that are looking for something serious from those wanting a fling. But, there is an increased risk of getting serious too soon.
As for your assessment of the men of the (Great) Pacific Northwest, some are idiots. But not all of us. My guess is it’s like that everywhere. π
Matt Gates, I applaud you for your last comment. Instead of retarded, however, I would choose the gentler word, special.
Oh, man. Here it is (hey people I know in Joy’s world…)…I did try EHArmony with interesting/discouraging results (maybe as a result of my location, attitude going into to it….(my dad dared me and gently brought up my pride issue), and just timing.) However, I also know at least two phenomenal, happily-married-for-a-few -years now couples who met online. However, I don’t know if pride can or should be defeated by trying an online dating site. I think there’s something to work through behind the reasons for not trying online dating, other than, “if I just try this, pride will be obliterated.” To me, it relates much more to prayer…can I entrust my desires/love story to a God who knows me and loves me very much? Could E-Harmony be a part of that love story? Could He use it? Thoughts, people?
@Erin, No offense intended. I’m very midwestern and we tend to be a little blunt on occasion. π
Although I live in the south now so maybe I should have said “I can only conclude that the men of the Pacific Northwest are ‘special’, bless their hearts.”
@Erin, You hit it right at the end!! Pray, pray pray! God knows our hearts and desires, but you have to ask Him to lead you. He used it for me. I am, and will always be, happily married to a man I met on eHarmony. Love isn’t always something we feel automatically. It is a conscience choice sometimes. And always keep God first in every decision you make. See other comments to Bekah Hope.
P.S. After marrying in Oct 2010, we attended the Love and Respect conference held in Colorado Springs, CO at New Life Church, which btw is now my home church. My husband was a member and led me to NLC. I was attending and worshipping in a very small church at the time we met. I knew if God didn’t send someone to my church I would have to move to another church when I met someone. I prayed that if He wanted me to stay where I was, send the man He had planned for me, but it didn’t happen, so when I began to ‘search’ on eHarmony, I prayed each time I met someone, ‘God please give me direction. Let me know if this person is the one you have for me.’ It works, and God can be in it, but only if you invite Him to be a part!
don’t want to “go it alone” on eHarmony? blog about the process. the good, the bad and the ugly.
fodder? are you kidding me?
btw, did you happen to get a package last week?
@JOY,
That’s a pretty good policy. I like Sharideth’s idea, but practically speaking it would be very difficult and/or awkward. Now, if both parties are cool with that, it could work. (ie. look at Ally Spotts/Darrell Vesterfelt: http://www.allyspotts.com/convince-a-girl)
Still, I’m with you.
Comment #501:
I met my husband ONLINE ~gasp!~ (ten years ago in the dark ages of AIM & chat rooms when hardly anyone had ever heard of eHarmony) and the advice we give to our friends who are thinking of possibly maybe perhaps “filling out a profile” is to go for it…. eyes wide open… block the crazy people… and absolutely involve your community (good advice Joy!). If you want to meet people and you’ve met all the people you possibly could in your ‘world’, and you want to get married, then just expand your world!
Let’s just say you actually find someone that is actually there for the same reasons you are there and you actually kinda like each other’s online persona…. If you find someone that you really do think has potential, then it’s time to meet in person ASAP. When my husband and I were planning out our first meeting (about 3 weeks after ‘meeting’ online), we had no clue how it would really go, so we set up time-checks where we would check in with one another to see if we still wanted to even be on our “date”. If someone wanted to leave, then they were free to be free…. After that first date went well, we began bringing in our friends and family (yeah, we totally lied about how we met for the first six months though!). Who better to see how you relate as a couple and than the people who love you most? You can tell so much about a person by meeting their friends and family. “How” we met was rarely an issue, even in the dark ages of online dating. We found each other online, met, liked each other, dated long enough to go through the normal cycles and seasons and challenges necessary to learn about how we would handle life as a couple, and got married.
We know plenty of friends who have tried eHarmony and not found a single date (awesome people who we were surprised weren’t snatched up by ‘mr./ms. right’ in two seconds) and we know other couples who met online and married each other. I think it’s all about trusting that God is the Author of our life story… Follow His lead, swallow your pride, and leave the journey in His hands:)
Joy… just do it!
I think I can relate. I mean, it sounds like the same reasons I don’t want to do eHarmony. And I truly don’t think it’s just pride. Like you said, the men you’ve seriously dated in the past have been friends. Isn’t that the best foundation for a relationship? I am the same. Dating or even just talking to someone I don’t really know makes me nervous and leery. I know it’s perfectly acceptable in this age of social media/technology, but it’s just not for some people….ie – me. π Although this probably does mean that I’ll be single longer…I’ve accepted this.
One other thing. My mom was casually bringing up how she heard on the radio that meeting online is just the new way of meeting in a coffee shop…whatever that means. But one thing I keep coming back to is – if I pray for that future spouse and believe God can and will bring us together when the time is right, is not signing up for online dating saying – Hey God, you’re taking too long, so I’m gonna go ahead and make this happen myself. Now I know, you can’t hide in a corner and expect God to send this guy on a hide and seek hunt, but I go to church, I participate in activities, I have plenty of moments of putting myself “out there.” I’m not saying it’s wrong for anyone to sign up for online dating, but if I’m one of those people that is just uncomfortable with it and God knows me better than anyone else, why don’t I believe he will bring us together in a way that I’m comfortable with? Does that make sense? Am I crazy? Yeah, sometimes we have to do things out of our comfort zone and God expects that of us, but I just don’t feel this is one of those areas. I gotta stop because I think I’m just rambling and maybe not making sense.
I met my husband on a dating website! Not e-harmony but another one. It worked perfect for us. We were able to know right away what we both were looking for. We were able to talk about serious things right away knowing we were both wanting to get married. We talked for the 1st time April 10th 2009 and we married June 18th 2009. We knew it was something God was driving us through. It now been almost 2 1/2 years and we are blessed to know we found each other. I did have to move 500 miles away from my family but he is so worth it. I thank God all the time for allowing the perfect man, who loves the Lord, to find me.
I met my husband at Equally yoked. We were also matched on Eharmony which we found out later. I love how this video discusses about asking the questions. I was able to ask and answer many questions using email. I had friends that kept me accountable whom I shared all that I was doing. One thing that I liked about Equally yoked was that every person has to go in person to sign up and they ask you questions during an interview.
Also, another thing to think about, a long time ago people had friends/family setting them up with other people. It was common to hear two people talking about their single children/niece or nephew/cousin or friend and the other person would say “hey I know someone they might be interested in” then comes the blind date. We don’t do that anymore, Equally Yoked or Eharmony is one more technological method of that.
I will say that even though we met online, we both took steps to insure that the person we were getting to know was really the person we thought they were. We introduced one another to friends and family and spent time in various situations. I spent time with my husband with his church family and he did as well. I listened to what they said about him.
So, all that to say, dating sites can work for people but I do believe that you need to be wise.
Oh man, what a topic! I have such a love/hate relationship with e-Harmony (and similar sites), so I guess I’ll share a couple of my thoughts.
I signed up for various dating sites for about 9 months, and to be honest, didn’t have much success. I think a lot of that had to do with me (I’ll get to that in a minute).
Initially I was a little wary of joining online dating sites. Joy, you mentioned pride, and I think that had something to do with it. I was kind of like “Has it really come to this?” π But I think the other hesitation I had was that I could anticipate people saying, “Oh, you just need to trust God”, as if joining e-Harmony was showing a lack of faith. To be honest, I strongly disagree with that. I think God can move any way He chooses to and that online dating is just one of those ways. But still, it caused some hesitation.
The experience was… interesting. One the one hand, it restored my faith that there are single girls out there who actually do have a similar worldview, mind, and heart, and that I may, in fact, actually not be single for the rest of my life. Good news. And it is nice that e-Harmony does evaluate matches so well. It’s nice to have dealbreakers that eliminate matches from the very beginning because of issues that would ultimately cause problems further down the road. It’s nice to have that common ground and value set to begin a relationship.
I think for me, the biggest problem I encountered when using online dating sites is I began to start viewing people almost a commodities. When you can flip through profiles with the click of a mouse, it almost becomes like Amazon for a date. I think to some degree everyone does this – in real life we all have ‘criteria’ that we want someone to meet – but for myself at least, it became amplified online. There wasn’t as much room for grace, and my ‘standards’ became too rigid (not talking about dealbreakers, but much more superficial things). Moreover, I think often it is the little quirks and mannerisms and personality that draws us to people… and it’s much harder to find these looking at a profile than talking to a person.
I don’t regret subscribing to online dating sites, but for now at least, I felt as if God was calling me to step away from it. I don’t want to discourage people from using it, because I absolutely believe it has the ability to bring like-minded people together. However, much like almost everything else, there are cautions one should be on looking out for.
@Jason, excellent insights! I shared my own brief experience in a comment (at the bottom of the page) before I read your comment. Totally agree on the fact that dating sites make relationships a commodity at some level. One Christian author even likened dating sites to a “meat market.”
Just wanted to encourage nyone out there. Both my brother AND his fiance just decided to give it a try. They met and talked and got plugged into eachothers lives and circles (although she live 5 hrs away) and now they are set to get married in Nov. She is an awesome girl and they make such a great match but would never have had the chance to meet without EHarmony
Jump in and go for it… I was struggling with where to meet good Christian men in a setting where I don’t have to feel like an idiot and working 2 jobs. I joined loveandseek.com (significantly cheaper than eharmony) because a friend had met her then fiance on it as well as a sermon from my pastor at the time about getting off your butt and doing something with the things in your life you are dissatisfied with. It was very worth it. I had been on the website for 8 months and was getting on to cancel my account when this guy had “bookmarked” me. We started talking and the rest is history – to the tune of I moved 120 miles got married and have 2 kids! We emailed tons of details back in forth including our testimonies within the first couple of weeks. After a month and a half of email we began talking on the phone – 3 hours! was our first conversation. When my mom asked what we talked about I answered everything. She thought I was kidding but then in talking more realized I was serious because of the information I could tell her. The first time we met one of my bff’s and her hubby were with the whole time. After that amazing day the next time we went out he came to my house and met my parents…oddly enough I met his that day too in the hospital because they were headed south for the winter and that was where they had ended up on an emergency gull-bladder issue. Within the first month of seeing each other we had the where is this going conversation, and less than 3 months after meeting in person I had a ring on and was planning our wedding (I actually was planning before the ring, we had talked since less than 2 months in about the future).
I think online makes it easier to say are you looking to be serious or not right up front. It also opens a door for important communication early in the dating process – a lot of the things my husband and I discussed my parents did not discuss/deal with until after marriage. I think it adds a huge bonus in communication – we still communicate well!
Community is very important – at some point the relationship has to leave the computer/phone as its sole interaction because anybody can fake it on the computer/phone. Include family and friends in these activities! This is very important…our second outing involved attending church together and went from there for the day (my hubby’s only day off at that time of year was Sunday). These things help you to make sure this person is genuine – your friends and family can be a huge asset to help you see past the infatuation and what you want to see!
ALWAYS pray and seek the Lord before doing any meeting, etc because He can and will open your eyes to any falsehoods! Get there testimony! This helps you both to make sure you know what you are walking into! Jump in and do it! You have nothing to loose except perhaps being able to say you are single π
Hi Joy, I just wanted to offer some encouragement for you to explore online dating but at the same time, it really has to be your decision. I was not comfortable with it for years – I didn’t want the computer mediating my life and my relationships (I’m not even on Facebook). But at one point, I just said okay, I’m ready. I wanted the intentionality you spoke about. I realized that my hobbies (like cake decorating) aren’t always placing me in the path of eligible bachelors. And I wanted to get some of those deal-breakers and big questions out in the open. I have been very happily dating a man I met on OK Cupid for more than a year. Best wishes to you, whatever you decide. π
My husband and I met on E harmony! He was on there for 2 years, I was on there for less than a month! I think some people don’t think about but it does take time. Even in the “real” world because you BOTH have to be ready! Just because your ready doesn’t mean your soon to be spouse is ready! More importantly is that we need to be faithful to God individually if God tells us to sign up for e harmony than we need to do that whether we think it is crazy or not! Anyway we were married within 9 months of being matched.
I find it interesting some people will watch a movie of a couple who just met then get married a week later and say oh how romantic but in real life you are supposed to wait 10 years…really!?
The thing I loved about E-harmony is that because we hadn’t met we were willing to talk about serious things that we wouldn’t have discussed otherwise. (like sin issues in our lives) on top of the other issues. The main thing is to be honest. But I agree about including other people because everyone I knew heard about my man the next day! He waited until we were courting…Not a good idea!
i’ve never done an online match/dating site before… and even though i know it is so common nowadays, i don’t feel any draw to. i haven’t really thought about the why much before… but i think it’s in line with what you were saying. i appreciate the natural way friendships develop, and feel that part of that is “stolen” by an online match site. i dunno. gimme a few years and i may change my mind and ask for your help in creating my online profile!
Okay first I also have to agree with Matt: I feel like guys up here in Portland must be crazay, I think you are awesome!! π Hope that’s not too creepy π hahaha
Also, I think you should try eHarmony, I kind of feel the same way you do about it, like really hesitant to try it. I’ve always felt like by trying an online dating site I’m like not trusting God and being impatient…but I kind of came to the realization that God can do whatever he wants, even use a dating site to bring people together!
I think you should give it a try! I also think you should go more into depth with what you mentioned about the community aspect thats missing with online dating. I have been considering joining a site like that, but the thing I don’t like is doing it totally alone and not knowing how to involve friends and family in that process.
oh and I Love, love, love your blog!! π
Jump in, Joy! I’ve been married for 29 years. I’ve had a good friend use e-Harmony (with lots of prayer support), and a niece. Both are doing well. All I can say is – it’s no different than having a servant travel to a distant region and pray – seeking a girl for his master’s son and finding Rebekah. The servant just goes by e-mail.
In addition – you’re unique, being so knowledgeable about marriage. You may have to throw a very wide net to find a man who is not intimidated by that knowledge. Sorry to say it, but it’s true. You know the old song: “100 ways to lose a man” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DzcRNCRz0wU AM I implying you would throw your knowledge in a guys face? NO. But you have a blog…. and you’re good at it.
After reading about Equally Yoked, I’m intrigued by the personal interview aspect. ALSO, I think you’ve hit on a crucial observation when you say that people no longer ask “good” questions. But – at the same time- I think those questions were taken for granted in the past. Two people grew up in the same area and they had experienced the same background. (Shades of the play “Our Town”) That shared experience gave them a shared vision of marriage without a lot of discussion. My husband & I grew up in the same area and covered a lot in the exchange of one idea: we both were grateful our moms were home & not working when we were growing up. End of discussion and that’s what we did. Since there are SO many people with different backgrounds mixing at universities and work-places thousands of miles from where they grew up, those questions have to be broached – unlike before.
Get thee to e-Harmony! (or Equally Yoked!) (with a tip of the hat to The Bard.) But take a couple years to get to see each other in all the cycles of life. Very key. I also know a young woman who married quickly through e-H. After a year the husband left. Too much had been ignored.
All God’s Best to you!
Ok I was very apprehensive of eharmony but I gave in 3years ago I had several matchs but I waited for the guy to reach out to me I went on a very bad date with a guy who was not truthful on his application and I was very discouraged within 24hours of that date my now husband contacted me we went thru the questions and answers real quick and stated talking on the phone for a week the we decided to meet and I knew he was the one ! So if you do it stay with your standards and if something seems off it probably is ! I prayed for many years for my husband and God really gave me a prince ! I pray you find yours I know how my heart longed for it ! Btw we got married 6 months after we meet !
How can you bring community into your online dating experience, and not become isolated? By talking about it…that open, honest thing. If you’re in a small group, perfect setting.
Now I’m going to trash EHarmony. It never worked for me, so I emailed the administrators in the Land of Oz, who emailed me back and told me I was too picky. Excuse me? You’re darn right I’m picky. I didn’t want someone who just got out of his 2nd horrible marriage and his kids are traumatized. I didn’t want someone who just divorced his psycho wife and treated our date like a therapy session. I didn’t want someone who was looking for his deceased wife. I didn’t want a man with his belly hanging over his belt and was 5′ 5″ when I was clear about being into fitness, weight training and I”m 5’7″ in bare feet. But I’m too picky. No, the men were losers.
You know how I met my husband? We had both stopped looking. We had both quit online dating. We learned to be content with our own company and with the fact that God may wish us to be single. We got involved in church singles stuff, but we were just minding our own business and HELLO! Been married a year and a half. π
Online dating clearly works for a lot of people. I wasn’t one of them because I knew exactly what I wanted and what I didn’t. Picky? I’ll own it.
I loved the video!
@JOY, That term was harsh, and I apologize. Sometimes barfing out your first thoughts isn’t such a great idea. π The online dating topic is a source of so many interesting and funny (once you are past them) stories. I hope yours are good ones, and that you share them with your readers. And I hope God has the best man for you on this path.
Thank you for your kind words!
@Lynne, Oh don’t you worry. I name call all the time – even after doing this post: https://loveandrespectnow.com/2010/08/jerk/I just want to try and be a force to catch myself and others so that they will also catch me!
Thanks again for all your encouragement!
at |
Hi Joy,
I meet my husband on e-Harmony and we will be celebrating our one year anniversary on Sept 18th. I had been single raising my daughter for just over 14 years when I decided it was time to meet someone special I could share my life with. I signed up for the first time in December of 2010, I had over 71 possible matches. It came down to talking to 5 and then just one. I could not have been more blessed.
Our first date was on January 13th, and it went very well. We have a lot in common and are best suited for each other. I pray you find your true love of your life. Blesssings,Anna
My concern with online dating lies with not giving God the room to work…and instead taking the matters into your own hands because of impatience.
I know girls my age or near (24) that have already joined online dating sites because they don’t want to end up alone…
…I really don’t want to hate, and know that people have had great success with online dating. It seems like some people just don’t have faith that God will bring someone (the right someone) into their lives–at the right time.
@Chelsea, Even though I’m not a fan of online dating (for mostly personal reasons), I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with you that there are any negative theological implications in joining a dating site.
Does going out and getting a job demonstrate a lack of faith that God is going to provide food and shelter and clothing and Purina Unicorn Chow (Now with 20% MORE savory rainbow morsels!) for us? π
Why couldn’t e-Harmony be one of the ways God brings together those whom He wants to bring together?
Now as others have said, definitely keep God front and center in online dating as with any other kind of dating, but unless you feel a strong NO from God that He doesn’t want you to go there, I don’t see what the issue is.
@Matt Gates, touche π
I knew my comment wording was a little dicey… I think my problem lies with some of the people I know turning to online dating so early–more like they’ve lost hope. Seeing it as their last resort, and mostly just because they want someone NOW. They don’t want to wait anymore (which I definitely understand)
But you’re right. God can do whatever he wants, however he wants to do it.
@Chelsea, Love your humility. @Matt Gates shared my similar view, but I know you were probably coming from a place where you knew your particular girlfriends and sensed their distrust overall and that was your concern more than the actual act of online dating. Would that be correct? Your heart for your friends outweighed your “theological correctness.” (-:
at |
@Chelsea, Ahhh, okay. That’s a bit more understandable. If they’re actually doing it out of hopelessness that’s a bit of a different story.
When I joined, I was in my late 20s and not…desperate necessarily, so much as there was nobody at my (very small) church or work with whom to really connect. With my little brother married for 4 years at that point (8 years now) and with a son with another on the way (now he has 3), you can imagine the pressure on me from my family to get hitched. π
I’m 34 now and there’s still no one at my church or work, but instead of going back into the online dating scene, I’m putting myself out there more; going out and doing more stuff with friends. Mostly because it’s fun and if I meet someone, great! If not, well I guess God could always take one of my ribs… π
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Oh sweet Joy, you give me too much credit. I tend to lead more with my heart than with “theological correctness”…I need to work on that π
@Matt Great point of putting yourself out there. Most of my friends who have done the online dating thing have said “I just don’t really meet anyone new” and when I ask them what they’re doing to try and get out there and meet new people, they usually come up blank.
I love the way God moves, and we have no clue how or when God is going to bring us someone…I think that’s one of the best parts! Love your attitude.
at |
I tried it….meh.
From what I’ve seen personally from online daters is that they turn their best selves off. The internet is charged with finding their dates and eventual spouses so they don’t present themselves in the best possible way in real life when they could be meeting people in other venues. This isn’t all people, but a fair number.
Ultimately I want to know that I had the courage to ask someone out in real life and cultivated the relationship from the very beginning; meaning I acted in a social way at some form of a social venue. I think in the end that makes me a better person.
Of course there’s no denying that it works, evidenced by all the married couples that met online.
Ok. So I am a lot like you and after my divorce my mother signed me up for e-harmony. I can honestly say I hated it and rarely ever got on. I like human interaction and like to see how people react when we talk and do things. To me I just feel more at ease face to face. Side Note: A month after my mom signed me up God sent a man to me where I was attending school and showed me that meating people in my own home town is still possible and that I don’t have to do the internet thing. Thank you God! You Rock!!
As I was writing this I noticed I was subconsciously creating a list of cons, so I’ve decided to organize them as such and add in some pros as well. (reason #1 why I’m single ;))
1. The one thing that truly weirds me out about online dating is that, on the ones where you can see who’s looked at your profile, the majority of my “viewers” are 55+. This would be fine if I looked old for my age, but most people think I’m in high school. So…..
2. The majority of the rest of my messages come from guys who obviously haven’t read my profile and just send me a one liner: “waz gud?”. I don’t know. I don’t know waz gud. Did you read my profile? I didn’t think so.
3. You can block creepy/crazy people, but just having your information out there when it’s very possible it could be misused is nervewracking. I guess being anywhere, ever, in public is kind of the same, but at least we’re not walking billboards of our personal information? (Haha, I probably sound really paranoid, but I’ve had some bad situations with crazies before).
4. I know lots of people who KNOW people who’ve gotten married from an online dating site, but I’ve yet to meet someone who’s been successful on a dating site themselves.
5. I’d prefer to have mutual friends/acquaintances with a person I’m considering dating, so I can check up on their character and get to know what they’re like from them as well.
6. It’s so much easier to act out of character when you’re behind a screen.
7. I second the shopping on Amazon analogy by Jason. I’m totally guilty of it too. π
But at the same time, I’m not meeting anyone in my current circumstances, so here are some pros.
1. A lot of people (I’m talking about myself) get physically nervous around the opposite sex, so online dating means they wouldn’t be afraid of looking vulnerable with shaking hands or the like. At least at first. But by the time you meet, you’d probably know each other well enough to be okay with that, I think.
2. As you said, Joy, you both know you’re being intentional with the relationship, though I did date a guy (in person) once who was very clear about his intentions, which took so much pressure off.
3. It’s easier to see your compatibility (though you could just Facebook your potential partner too and save money ;))
4. Online dating doesn’t necessarily mean sending emails all the time; now we have Skype and things like that to let you get to know a person better.
5. It’s great to meet people if you just moved somewhere where you don’t know anyone.
6. I’m trying really hard to think of more pros so I don’t look like a Negative Nancy but, alas.
7. Joy, you should at least sign up for a month and see what it’s all about. It can’t hurt π
I was on eHarmony on and off for a bit, and while I recognize the value it has for others in finding mates, I don’ t know that it has the same for me. I don’t like not knowing how they are doing the matching. Some of the people that “it” matched me up with were…um…interesting to say the least.
Also, I found that when I was looking at a profile and communicating online, I was far more analytical to a fault than I would be in person. I had one match that seemed very nice, but when he would email me, his grammar was horrendous. At the same time, I was crushing on a fellow YL leader, and while his grammar was equally horrendous I overlooked it because I was with him in person and saw all facets of his personality.
Of course, having said that, almost every time I have been set up on a date by a mutual friend (or worse: parent) I have left the encounter wondering if they’d ever even met me before setting me up on said date.
At 34 and single, I just have to laugh a lot, swear a little, and hang on tight to hope.
I have a friend using eharmony at the moment, and seems to have a new date every weekend. She’s very open about it, and discusses it with her friends and at work and bounces ideas off people about whether they seem suitable. Some of them have gone on a bit longer, but if its clear they aren’t a match, she communicates to them that, and is able to quickly move on. I don’t know if she’ll find her soulmate through this process, but it does seem she is involving her community in the process.
I think the stigma of online dating isn’t what it used to be, so now its easier to talk about it with your friends and family, and to keep your community involved.
My tip when using a dating website, is to bring it into the real world as quickly as possible. Don’t spend months emailing each other, because i think it helps create this imaginary ideal of that person where you create an emotional bond, before anything has actually happened, so if things don’t work out in real life, you might try to make it work, because of what you have already invested in it.
So, I met my husband on a dating site. Do you want to know this story? I’ll tell you anyway.
So i was working at this company, that had offices all over the country, and there was a guy at another office who I frequently spoke to on the phone who i developed feelings for. He probably knew me better than I knew myself, because he always told me that he was just another blip on my boyfriend radar and I’d forget him just like I moved on from all the other guys in my past. But i was convinced that he was the one. So I made plans to fly down to his town and meet him in real life to see what would happen. It ended up mostly being awkward, and most of the time was spent watching motorsport on television to cover up the silence. I was pretty devastated that it hadn’t worked out, because i was so sure about him. So I came home, and decided I was joining a dating website, and i was just going to message the first guy that came up in my matches. And the first guy that came up listed motorsport as an interest, and i decided I’d watched enough motorsport already, so i messaged the second guy. And now i’m married to him. Of course, a lot happened between those two moments. We started dating, he made some bad decisions, we broke up, and two years later we got back together. Today is our second wedding anniversary. YAY.
I had been on eharmony off and on before meeting my wife on ChristianCafe (she’s written our story online–see the link), and I have 2 different friends who found their wives on eharmony.
“Interesting” is certainly an accurate term when it comes to online dating, but it probably applies to dating in general as well. I chose to try it because
1-As best as I could sense, I didn’t feel it was God’s will for me to remain single;
2-I wasn’t meeting people in church
3-I didn’t feel led to change churches or move
4-And, ultimately, I felt that God was wanting me to take a step of faith (for me, a HUGE step) and trust Him.
I would echo many of the other comments–pray, pray pray; don’t compromise, prepare for disappointments, and be patient–if it’s something that God leads you to try, He will use it to shape and teach you, even if the end result is not what you expect.
Wow, hopefully we’ll get 500 comments, hehe! But even if we don’t, this is such a great topic!!! Thanks for bringing it up.
Joy, I think you should give it a try, hehe. I’ve tried it twice before, and the pride issue was hard to deal with. Like, I had someone close to me saying things like: “Wow, you who said you would never do that”. Though I’m still single, it was a great experience and I can’t say I won’t get back ;). The best thing I see about it is being intentional. That was the best learning for me. Aaron said something that made me think:
βFrom what Iβve seen personally from online daters is that they turn their best selves off. The internet is charged with finding their dates and eventual spouses so they donβt present themselves in the best possible way in real life when they could be meeting people in other venues. This isnβt all people, but a fair number.β
Never thought about it in this light, but it makes a lot of sense. Me, myself didnβt know I could be so intentional about what I wanted until I had the task of answering some questions about things that really mattered to me. Single or not, it helped me know myself a bit better.
There are cons, of course. Someone said something about seeing people as commodities, and I think that can have a bit of true. If the online thing doesnβt work out, itβs just a click and you get rid of any possible βtroubleβ.
And what about keeping it accountable? Well, for me it was letting people who are close know what was going on, and praying a lot, of course. And it was weird, because all my friends were constantly updated about ‘him’ and no one from his side knew about my existence. (It can also be because girls have this propensity to talk about dates as if things were completely set up? Dunno.)
Sarah said 1. The one thing that truly weirds me out about online dating is that, on the ones where you can see whoβs looked at your profile, the majority of my βviewersβ are 55+. This would be fine if I looked old for my age, but most people think Iβm in high school. Soβ¦.
So, Iβm not the only one, hahaha. I was like: WHAAAAA???!!!
For me, the thing is, you need to trust God for whatever Heβs got for you. As I said, Iβve tried online dating before, but I hardly can see it working; listening to mom, dad, aunts and so on telling me horrible horror movie plots doesnβt make me really comfortable with it at all.
Joy, online dating seems to work for some and does not work well for others. I applaud you for saying no. There are many factors that go into attraction and sometimes meeting others you have lots of expectations especially after chatting with them for a while. A lot of times it is just disspointing. If you continue to do the hobbies you enjoy then you will find others doing the same thing and thats how your friendship starts. Meetup.com is a great place to find others doing those things you like to do. It also helps to mix up your schedule because if you do the same routine day after day you will see the same people at the same places which decrease your chance of meeting someone new.
Someday when my grandchildren come to visit, an inquisitive look will come across one of the most adorable faces you could ever imagine. In that moment a question will be posed. “Grandpa, how did you and grandma meet?”
I’m a hopeless romantic. Always have been. Probably always will be. I get it from my dad. So what will my answer be? Will it be an epic tale of love conquering all? A fairy-talesque story that makes my granddaughters think their grandpa is the most amazingly chivalrous man to ever walk the face of the earth? Or will my answer be “The internet?”
Believe it or not, this is one of the things that keeps me from giving online dating a try. Like you Joy (per the Editor’s note), there is a part of me that thought it would work! And that my answer to my grandkids’ question would forever be the worldwide interwebs. I have a number of close friends that have successful marriages which began with Match or eHarmony. But it isn’t for me. I want my love story to be more than the result of some ridiculous algorithm that mathematicians spent years perfecting. Is that too much too ask? Perhaps not. Is that perspective rooted in my pride as much as it is my idealism? Absolutely.
My other reason for not wanting to go this drastic route is that I too have only dated people that were friends before a relationship blossomed. A good friend argues that I always “pre-qualify” before going on a first date. My thought is, “Sure, don’t we all?” This approach to dating is clearly rooted in my personality (and need for control), but I also recognize that none of my past relationships have worked in the long-term. And thus my current relationship status.
Recently, I joined the online dating world. I eventually came to realize that the “how” of my relationship didn’t matter as much as the “what.” What am I looking for? A relationship? A wife? True love? Or a really kick-ass story? (Joy, can I say that on here? Perhaps I need an editor.) Ultimately, my desire is to find love (and respect). Whether the story of how and where that love began is Christian-romance-novel-worthy or not, really doesn’t matter. Where you meet shouldn’t define your relationship or love.
This isn’t a matter of trusting (or not) God to provide for me. He is faithful. And I believe that he will provide. But as Matt Gates said above, we still have an active role in the story. God doesn’t need me to join a dating site in order to provide. But I think He invites me to participate in the process anyway. The key is to not delude myself into thinking that I am the one in control. Despite my pride, I am not.
I signed up because I want to be intentional about meeting women, while at the same time giving God space and permission to move in my life. (I admit, I forget that second part at times.) Like many others, I realized that in the course of my daily life I wasn’t meeting many single woman. It’s overly simplistic and rather cynical to think of dating as a numbers game. However, I think it’s equally naive to expect God to provide while I passively sit on my couch waiting for the doorbell to ring.
At this point, I haven’t met the love of my life online. And to be honest, I almost expect God to provide in some other way, just to prove once again that He is in control. But if I happen to meet my future wife online, I’m cool with that. And I’ll proudly regale my grandkids with the story.
Of course by then, they’ll probably be more impressed that their grandpa is old enough to have actually used the internet!
And Joyβ¦donβt feel pressure to join. (Who are we kidding anyway?) Of all people, you know who you are, whose you are, and who is in control. Leah made a comment that guys might be intimidated by your knowledge of relationships and marriage. Thatβs true. Many men likely are, and will be. But you arenβt looking for those men (I assume). Instead, you want someone that sees your expertise as one of your many attractive qualities, that wants to walk alongside you in your lifeβs work, and most importantly that sees the strength and maturity (in addition to the unicorns) that you will bring to the relationship.
@Robby,
Just read the rest of your comments–I can really relate. God really does have His ways of reminding us He’s in control. He also reminds us that He can accomplish His will for us, even in spite of us if need be. For God to find me a wife, it certainly felt it was in spite of me and my shortcomings and weaknesses…..but not only did God do what I thought was pretty impossible (ie find me a wife), He brought me, in the words of our premarital counsellor, my “soulmate”.
As it happens, tomorrow we’re going to wedding for another “Rob”–who know’s when your turn may come, as the Lord wills. If someone had told me 7 years ago that in 2011 I’d be married for 6 yrs and have 2 kids, I’d not only called them crazy, I’d called the hospital to have them picked up! π
In 1997 in a college residence hall my friend asked me, βDo you ever wonder if the man of your dreams is out there somewhereβ¦ just waiting for you to log on?β I stared at her blankly for a moment and we simultaneously burst into laughter. I never dreamed that my story would actually include online dating. 4 years ago I was 28 and had just moved back to Portland (home). Since college, I had been on a career path and though I was always interested in being in a meaningful relationship, it just hadn’t happened for me. Shortly after starting my new job, I was asked out by a guy at work who was not someone that I was in the least bit interested in dating. I wondered, “is this the only guy there is left out there?”
Most of my friends had been married for years and they had given up on matchmaking, writing me off as too picky. One of my life mottos has is “live your life for the sake of the story. People will think you are crazy, but wouldn’t you rather be crazy than boring?” Well, after that guy asked me out, I remembered that 4 years prior, a friend had actually created an eHarmony account for me. She took the personality profile for me, so it wasn’t accurate, but I decided to look into it. I went to their website and my first thought was, “this is expensive!” One day I found myself on ebay, where I randomly searched eHarmony. I found a gift card. 3 months for $30. I thought, βwhat the heck, at least Iβll get some good stories!β
After a month I went on my first date. I put off meeting this guy for a long time and as a result, we had a lot of conversation through email. By the time I met him, I felt like I owed it to him to like him. I felt that my investment to that point would be worth nothing if it didnβt work out. Unfortunately, there was ZERO chemistry. He was a great guy with a great sense of humor and of course, on paper looked like a great match. But at the end of the date I walked away thinking, βWell, Iβm not doing THAT again!β
A month later (the last month of my membership), this guy showed up in my inbox. One part of his profile matched mine exactly. That sparked my curiosity and I started talking about him to my closest friends and family (I did bring my community into the eHarm experience). And, I responded to his communication (my first response to requests since the date that bombed). My 2nd mom, who I was living with at the time checked out his profile and after he asked twice if we could meet, she literally forced me to say yes. I remember dreading going. I called my mom as I was driving to meet him for coffee. I expressed to her that I really did not want to go. She told me, βRelax. Be yourself. Youβll never have to do this again.β I didnβt expect to meet my soulmate that day, but I did. I left our first date and the relentless thought that permeated my mind was βhe fits.β Before long, we were engaged and within 8 months of meeting we were married, despite the fact that on our first date I tried to pay.
Is eHarmony for everyone? No. Do some people use it for serial dating? Yes. Could God use something like eHarmony to write my love story? It appears so. Do I recommend eHarmony to anyone who has not yet found someone? Not necessarily. I feel like my husband was a needle in the haystack and that it had to be the hand of God that caused us to meet. I passed over so many matches! I could have easily missed out on this one. And I was not about to go on a hundred dates to find the one. Some people are up for that though. I think there are definitely some challenges with online dating. My advice to anyone considering it is to meet early! Once you get through the initial stages of communication, donβt email for months before meeting. Communication is powerful and there is no sense in developing a sense of intimacy with a person who will later find that you have NO CHEMISTRY WITH! Relax, donβt take things too seriously and let go of any expectations you have. Because just like with any love story, God will surprise you with something that you donβt expect. And yes, there have been lots of good stories!
Traci – This was so fun to read. I agree with the sentiment (and I think a few other commenters have said the same thing) about not emailing for two long. It can create a false reality. Especially if the person is a really good or really bad writer! Thanks for sharing your story and logical perspective.
Great video. Personally, I have had limited experience with online dating due to my own pride. A couple of years back a friend of mine had met her husband on eharmony and suggested I check it out. I was pretty hesitant, then she offered to throw some cash out there to do it. At that point I kind of felt like a science project and a charity case combined. I am pretty sure she wasn’t doing it for her own personal thrill, but the jury is still out.
My one and only experience with online dating was sketchy. The only thing I really remember is the girl I met, who happened to still be married, who turned out to be kind of a nut job. Good first time experience and something to base it off of, right?
Though I haven’t went down that road again, I have thought about it, but am way hesitant. Aside from the initial experience, I feel like it lacks a place for boldness for men to step out in. Is it still possible to lead in relationships? Absolutely, but when a large portion of a relationship is almost manufactured, it can take the risk (vulnerability), fun, and place to trust in God out of it. Please know that the previous sentence is meant for myself and not necessarily directed at anyone who has met their spouse or is in that process through these sites.
Often times we feel a lot safer behind a computer screen (and rightfully so), but where is the boldness/risk of having a lot of stuff already figured out where we don’t need to get out of our own comfort zone?
I think this has a lot to do with bike helmets and safety. I saw a kid who had elbow pads, knee pads,wrist guards, and a helmet. This would make sense if he is doing some down hill mountain biking, but he was just cruising around my neighborhood. Growing up I used to run around on my bike jumping anything I could, the bigger the better. Never had a helmet and often got hurt. But, I got better at responding to circumstances that would happen if I was in trouble. I learned from my mistakes and I understand that the heart is so much more sensitive. However, if we use a little common sense and not just throw it all out there, but calculate the risk, and approach every situation with a bit of grace and knowing that we all have tender spots in our hearts, then we can step out, take some more in your face risks, and see that risking some times is a pretty good thing. We learn to evaluate where we are at, what we did, and how we can correct it with a little coaching from mentors, leaders, etc. There has to be a balance of safety and risk/trusting in God.
I think our society/culture is way to focused on safety. Bumps and bruises (literal and figurative) add to our character and allow us to use teaching moments from our own lives. We just need to invite the Lord into whatever we are doing and trust His leading.
For the record: the “On the next Ask Joy” at the end of this cracked me up π That is all.
Joy, Honestly, no guts, no glory! Besides, put yourself out there and let the pursuit begin. As you know, dating is like digging for gold…one expects to remove tons and tons of dirt before ya find the good stuff! Finally, I have a theory that your love of unicorns perhaps symbolizes the unconscious mind’s search for the unattainable. Just a thought. Respectfully, L19
Wow! You opened up an amazing discussion! OK—full disclosure—I didn’t watch the video. As much as I love you (and thatw in an I’ve never actually met you but Ii think you’ve got to be one of the coolest people on earth type of loves) I just generally don’t like vlog posts. Sorry.
Anyway, I was on eH for a few years a while back. Same story–wasn’t meeting eligible men, wanted (and still want) a relationship leading to marriage, have a number of friends who met their spouse on eH–but I was scared of the isolation it seemed to promote. I was also sure that after living overseas and out of general American culture my discernment about men wasn’t the greatest. My solution was giving my 2 closest friends (who lived in different parts of the world) access to my account so they could give me feedback. It was a great way to bring them into the process, to sharpen my discernment, and to erase isolation.
After more years on there than actual dates, I decided to discontinue my membership.
@JOY, OUCH!!! Stop twisting my arm . . . ok . . . I watched. I still don’t like watching video blogs, mostly because I can read faster than most people talk. (And if they talk as fast as I can read . . . ugh.) Maybe I should say “skim for salient points.” Anyway, I watched. Just for you.
Joy…I have just been introduced to your site through the Love & Respect site! I listened to your EHarmony video and I want to tell you that my husband and I met via yahoo.personals 10 years ago. I came from very abusive previous marriage and decided I wanted nothing to do with relationships again. God led me to open up to the “then new trend” because I felt it was safe! I could cut my computer off and get rid of the situation really fast! Unbeknownst to me God’s plan was for me to meet my soul mate the man that would love me like Christ loves the Church! I vote YES….do it and have faith for the outcome…that no matter what happens it’s God’s will!!! Keep us posted on your decision! Blessings to ya!
I was on eHarmony once for about two hours during a free weekend before I shut down my account. It just totally weirded me out. No particular reason why. It’s just not the way I want it to happen, I guess. I’m open for anything for the most part, but that made me feel more uncomfortable than a bad blind date.
I ventured onto Match.com when I moved to a new city almost 5 years ago. The result: great awkward stories for parties. 2 years ago I decided to give eharmony a whirl because I just wanted to go on a date! The result: my now husband of 11 months.
We lived 50 miles apart but made community a must right from the start. We double-dated with friends, watched LOST with his crew, and made sure to stay connected to both of our faith communities.
Fingers crossed for a commercial spot. π
p.s. TRY IT.
I did not want to conform to eharmony either! However, I did sign up for Match.com 2 years ago and after emailing for a month met my wife, we knew after a month we matched and have been inseperable and deep in Love in Christ; we have been so blessed with car, house, and we rely on God for our future. By far the best decision I ever made!!! We’ve been married since June 11.2011(6/11/2011) and couldn’t be happier. God bless You and thank You for Love&Respect! Hallelujah
Joy,
Do you remember my weird Ask Joy? Yep. eHarmony.
I’ve tried online dating several times at different points in my life. I just can’t bring myself to do it anymore. I’m happy for all the people who have met their match online, but I wish there was a site called iknoweveryoneisalittleweirdbutifyoureoutthereweirdgoaway.com/youhavetoloveJesustoo
So chuckling out loud that you said, “unicorn bust.” awesome!
I know online community, conversations, and life is so much for prevalent. It seems normal to just take our conversations to different portals, but I love and appreciate face to face conversations. I value so much knowing what is not being said, the between the lines of communication. I miss that online. I miss out on really important level of knowing someone and being known.
I have had many clients, who have met online, who struggle communicating in real life after spending so much time together online. so much is missing when nonverbal communication is skipped.
I am with you that my personality and love of interaction, might not do so well with online dating.
Ok. Here’s my comment! I’ve done Eharmony 3 times. Met 3 great men (dated one for over a year), but none of them were right for me. I do know people that have had great success though! The worst part is having to get online all the time. I would much rather be curled up with a cup of hot cocoa, good book, and cozy blanket in front of the fire and have someone call me on the phone. I’m also not very good at long distance relationships. Positive side is that it put me in contact with guys I wouldn’t have met otherwise. The one I dated was in Alaska! Go figure. Whether you do it or not, we appreciate your insight and willingness to work with your dad in this ministry. God will knock your socks off when He is good and ready. π
What’s the comment count up to? I think that you should try it for two reasons: 1) so that you can confirm the things that you know about yourself and 2) so that you can have even more insight about your area of research. And you could be surprised; our God has a great sense of humor.
To answer your question, I feel like most of my friends who have tried online dating have kept in on the DL, with one notable exception. My friend Brooke was open about talking about her online dating experiences and was very intentional in having her friends meet the guys that came to visit her. Sheβs now expecting her second child with her husband that she met through eHarmony.
I love that this video was my first introduction to you. Iβm now addicted.
I’ve never used a dating website, but I’ve been on three blind dates over the past five years (four if you count the guy who was intentionally introduced by friends, though it a non-date setting), and I feel like those two methods of meeting people can be a lot the same. Except instead of a friend saying “here’s someone cool you should meet”, the cold void of the internet is the one speaking. But given the range of quality of some of my blind dates, I would suggest the internet might not be much less discriminating than my (your?) matchmaking friends.
I walked away from the first two dates feeling like my friends didn’t know me at ALL. The “introduced by friends in a non-date setting” guy broke my heart a little bit. But that last blind date stuck. We’re getting married in September.
But given the range of quality of some of my blind dates, I would suggest the internet might not be much less discriminating than your matchmaking friends.
I would say online dating is not for everybody. I know lots of people for whom it has worked, but there are two main reasons I don’t.
1, I don’t rep well on paper. My personality is too diverse, apparently. It seems like everyone I meet has a different impression of me…
2, I have a hard time being myself around anyone I meet with the pretense of “potential spouse”. Maybe that’s just a maturity thing, but it just makes communication kinda awkward. If I’m gonna be friends with my spouse we’d better be friends first, and I can’t be friends if I’m trying to size someone up for spousehood. Mental block.
Well, your usual approach is obviously working, so I don’t think you need eharmony (teasing, I’m not trying to be mean).
Also, I was watching the video, and my husband came up to me and said, “Are we ok? I feel weird that you’re watching an eharmony ad.” So I told him that it’s not an ad and he doesn’t need to sorry because it’s not an adultery website ;)” Then I kissed him really well and said, “You’re mine.”
Just thought I’d share that funny story.
My experience with online dating has been very similar to what Matt Gates described. At least for now, I don’t feel it’s what God wants me to be doing. That said, I really think you should try it. It will teach you a LOT about yourself, and I think the success stories outweigh the stories of it not working.
I tried ChristianDatingforFree.com. Yes, Christian dating, for free. Maybe someone has a point about the fee scaring off the riffraff, but there are also plenty of normal people who just don’t feel like paying. You can usually skim off the no-goods right off the bat by their subject line/profile. Being a pretty logical personality, the efficiency of being able to get all those dealbreakers out of the way at the outset really appealed.
But like Matt said, the whole meeting specifically for dating thing really does get in the way of the critical “getting to know each other” stage, and the development of a solid friendship. Everything they do and say is filtered through this lense of “does this make him more like or less like someone I want to marry?” and that sort of skews your whole picture of the person and attitude toward the person. I had one relationship that lasted nearly a year (or over, depending on how you count. I’ll go go by the “facebook official” standard) But for so much of that time, it was almost more about having a relationship than who we were with. And we too fell into that false intimacy romance trap with all the lovey dovey physical and emotional closeness too soon. When that wore down, it turns out there was nothing left in the other party. But it was really good practice for me, if nothing else. And boy did I learn about myself. Whoah.
Here are my thoughts on involving community. It can be done, and I think it has to. I was talking to this one guy, and I wanted him to talk to my family, and he thought that was really, really weird. He made excuses to get out of it for a long time. When I told him I wanted to speak to someone who knew him really well, he gave me the names of this couple who had mentored him like a decade ago, and now they lived in different parts of the world. That should have said something. I spoke to her on the phone, and asked her all the tough questions I could think of, but it was kind of like how a potential employer must feel when you ask the wrong person for a reference…she didn’t really know what to say. Eventually she was like “Well he must be a decent human being and worth it because we sure poured a heck of a lot of love and care into him…” Not exactly reassuring. The day I finally got him to talk to my mother, before they even got off the phone, I knew he was not it. She had been a big fan just based on his internet trail and what I’d told her, but a few words and she knew it wasn’t right. Turns out he was a narcissistic liar.
On the other hand, my best friend (who moved to India to marry the man she met on this same dating site) wanted very much for the guy to get to know her family and vice versa. Their parents thought it was kind of wierd, but they humored them, just like they humored the whole trans-atlantic dating situation. I talked to Ryan, really grilled him, and he handled himself with good humor and had great, earnest answers to my questions. Though he told her I’d made him a little nervous, he wasn’t afraid of it because he had nothing to hide. Anyone who refuses, or makes a big deal out of it, does. Now they’re married and I really think she’s found possibly the only person in the world that could have worked out.
So here’s comment #150 and my vote. Joy, you should try christiandatingforfree, you won’t be out any money, and it’s kind of validating to get all those “winks” even if they don’t lead anywhere…:-)
Love. Love. Love. As someone who met my husband on E-harm, I get where you are coming from. BUT IT REALLY DID WORK! I also will say, my husband was the last match I connected with at the END o a year long subscription. Hard? Yes. The occasional weirdo? Yes. The man for me? YES! So thankful I took the rusk, went on the journey, and met my husband.
Joy,
First of all, I have watched a number of your videos and I appreciate your insights and observations on relationships. In some ways, I kind of see you as a godly older sister. This video ties in very well with your three-part series on “the One” (especially “is there only One?”). I think you are right on about the success of online dating being largely derived from the way in which it addresses many of the awkward questions up front, simply by reading through someone’s profile. I strongly agree with your caution on the importance of maintaining community in the dating process. Proverbs 18:1 says that “a man who isolates himself seeks his own desire, he rages against all wise judgement” – obviously the same thing also applies to women, and, by extension, to a dating couple. I have seen the importance of community firsthand: someone in my small group got into a bad relationship with an unbeliever (which started with online dating) and, ultimately, on the counsel of myself and the other people in the small group, broke off the relationship.
That being said, I have never dated anyone from an online dating site. I once set up profiles on two sites to see if I might meet someone local through the online context, that I had not already met at church etc. On most sites, the “automatic matchmaking” searches seem to require a paid subscription, so I perused the potential profiles manually. Finding no one in my immediate area, and considering that I am an “anlayzer” at heart, I quickly transitioned from looking for someone to analyzing the sites themselves (almost like an academic research project). I terminated both profiles shortly thereafter. My primary conclusion was that “the range of people on christian dating sites is BY NO MEANS a mutually exclusive or collectively exhaustive list of all the single people in the world”. I also noted that, while the dating site option had been investigated as a theoretical possibility, I would be more likely to meet my future wife “offline”.
After I completed this study someone shared a quote, from a Christian author whom I respect, which drew a negative comparison between online dating sites and a “meat market”. I don’t remember the exact quote, but I think the point was that when you “put yourself out there” on a dating site, all people know about you is your picture and your profile info. Thus, a prospective “customer” who walks in off the street and says “I’ll take one of those” has no way of taking into account who you really are as a person – you’re just a pretty face in a sea of pretty faces.
Finally, as always, there are some practical and theological aspects to wrestle with. I don’t have the answers. Some (if not all) of them probably depend on where your heart and your relationship with God is at. Is online dating just a communication tool to start real relationships that eventually continue offline, or is it an end unto itself? Does a dependence on online dating show a lack of trust in God’s sovereignty? Does a refusal to participate in online dating constitute a lack of trust in God’s sovereignty? Then there’s the whole free will vs. predestination issue (which you alluded to in your “is there just one?” video) – both ways are taught in God’s Word, as you pointed out, and my opinion is that, yes, both are true, but it’s one of the mysteries of God that our finite minds cannot fully comprehend. If the same reasoning applies to relationships (not saying that it does), then the implications are mind-boggling: If God is sovereign over both “online” and “offline” relationships, then do we really have a choice on which way we go? If we have a choice, then how do we know which way is God’s will for us? And perhaps the biggest question of all:
To those of you, now married, who originally met via online dating, I ask: “What are you going to say when your kids ask you how you met?” (e.g. “When I saw “Turkey Spam” and “neoclassical architecture” on your mother’s profile, it was love at first sight”, “your father’s profile pic was so hot that it melted my monitor”, etc.)
Thank you for reading this long message!
Your brother In Christ,
Alex
Hey Joy!
I am right with you there on the whole e-harmony issue. I tried it once because of the whole pride thing. People pressing me to do it – I did not have a great experience but then again — maybe I need to bite the bullet and try again. However I did some counseling a few years back and my counselor who knew me well – said ” that is not your style and it is okay.” If God can throw stars into space and part the red sea.. He can bring that guy.” I just had a friend call me who thought she would never meet someone because of where she lived – white girl choosing to live in the projects and her heart for ministry and quess what? She has met a guy same heart and similar interests — friends set them up. Then again I have had several friends meet their husbands on a dating site. So I am not quite sure about the whole online deal.. Pros and cons for sure.
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Appreciate it!
Jenny thinks...
Listened to this on the way to work this morning – love love love!!!!
So I have a few thoughts {shocker}
1 – For me, I learned that HOW you do online dating can be the recipie for success/failure; joy/sorrow, as much as anything. I wrote an entire series on it because I too got asked this question a lot – love that you did a vid on it. Well done friend! #Win
2 – I met my husband on Christian Mingle. #win
3 – Eharmony was not highly successful for me because of their 29 matching categories apparently one was “Do you want to date yourself?” Because that is who they kept putting me with – guys similar to me. #NotaWin
4 – Friend, if you try out one of the online dating sites for 3 months, I will dress my pug up as a unicorn and take pictures for you π
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