Recently I was at a wedding and I spoke with someone for an hour during “mingle time.” You know, that period lasting anywhere from 60-348.2 minutes where the ceremony is done and you are waiting for the bride and groom to arrive.
Mingle Time.
Post mingle time, I realized during the whole conversation, I had not been asked one question.
Not one.
Granted, I was asking lots of questions, and I didn’t have a need for the person to ask me any…but I still found it odd. Why?
Because I think it’s revealing where our generation is at and I wonder how developing the art of asking questions, and then genuinely listening to the answers could transform us as humans, daters and hopefully Christians.
Mingle time made me realize that we are developing into a culture of “Me Monsters.” Listen, I love swapping stories, but if you are someone who asks questions, its amazing how much you can get people to share. We sure know how to “share”.
Maybe this is partly due to our lives that are greatly impacted by social media. Even if you don’t use it personally, you are part of a world that does. And that culture will rub off on you. Think about it…
Social media allows for people to tell anything to anyone who will listen. Back in the “olden days” if you wanted to talk, you usually did so with a human being. Questions were asked because there was a curiosity to know.
Curiosity is still part of our human nature, but now we don’t have to ask…we just google or facebook. We don’t have to be asked, we just tweet or status update. And thus, I believe-the art of asking good questions is slowly being lost.
What is not lost, is our deep rooted human desire of wanting to be known.
Don’t fear. These are not problems that have no solution. All we need is a little awareness and practice. There will be a result; I just know it.
…The next two posts we will be discussing the art of asking questions and the art of listening in the context of dating and wise counsel.
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Katy – Me too! I really would rather hear stories from people and I swear if people read these posts and start cornering me and asking me questions at weddings I will probably implode. (-: But my observation is that we all could improve on how we get to know as well as let ourselves be “known”. Hope you enjoy the rest of the series!
I have found myself in those situations so many times! One question and the next thing you know the person has been talking for an hour. But I sometimes I find myself doing all the talking and have to remember to ask questions and I usually do this when I am nervous. The art of conversation has been lost on our generation and I can’t wait to read what you have to say about it.
I’m glad you are excited and I look forward to hearing your thoughts! I definitely can chalk up some foolish moments to nervousness. Sometimes I’m like….”Whhhhhaaaa did I just say??”
This is so true! I may be slightly biased as a therapist-in-training, but people really could talk about themselves all the time and not ask questions. I notice this even in my personal circles. It is draining to always be the one asking questions and you are SO RIGHT that I have a deep desire to be known and part of that is wanting people to ask good questions. I’m exciting to see what you have to say about both asking questions and being open to being known.
Love that you’re talking about this, Joy! I’ve realized that question-asking is becoming a lost art, too. I started trying to be more mindful to ask questions when I realized there was a generational thing going on with the women in my family talking waaaay too much and not being mindful of others. I then realized that one of my love languages is great conversation, where you have that perfect volley back and forth, the balance of asking questions and sharing. (I often get accused of being too serious because I love deep conversations.) When someone (particularly a guy) only shares about himself and expects me to offer info without actually asking a question, I get easily and quickly disappointed (and I think they misinterpret it as shyness or snobbery). That’s where I have to either realize the difference in love languages or the difference in maturity!
Can’t wait to hear more of your thoughts on this.
Joy, have your experiences along these lines been primarily at weddings, funerals, baby showers, and other life event events, or do you feel as though these kind of one-sided conversations also are likely to occur between good friends and our families? If so, what are the differences between encouraging the art of conversation in large scenes like weddings and small family/friend gatherings?
I’m really looking forward to this. Because I have a habit of doing a lot more talking than I do listening. So much so that I made it my primary new years resolution to listen more and actually pay attention to what people are saying. I was really convicted about this because my younger sister has this talent of asking questions. She’s not afraid to ask personal things – and people usually open up to her. As a result she gets in my car and proceeds to tell me all her co-workers engrossing life stories that include things they wouldn’t tell just anyone. She knows how to draw the loners out, and get to know people that most overlook. It’s inspiring. I want to be just like her.
Great topic, Joy!
Several years ago I stumbled across a verse in Proverbs: “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.”
I was inspired and made it a personal goal to become a woman of understanding who has the ability to draw people out. Deep waters are so fascinating, you can’t see to the bottom unless you dive in, which is always an adventure because who knows what’s under the surface!
Good questions are the bomb.
How are you Joy? Do unicorns really exist? What do unicorns eat? Can unicorns fly? How do you……? Oh, am I asking to many questions? Are you imploding yet? Well it seems all I have is questions. Kidding aside, GREAT subject!
Sarah – You are becoming a therapist because you probably are very gifted in loving people and asking genuine question. For that reason, people will always be drawn to you. It will be a blessing and a slight curse…I am so glad there are people like you but I do hope you have people who invest in you as well.
Darcie – I totally agree. Sometimes our personalities can cause us to judge other people. What we might deem as shallow, they may see as energizing and life giving. I think we need to account for different personalities, but also make sure we are figuring out how to talk with people in ways that give life back to them. I love your thoughts and the awareness you brought to your family!
Erin – Good question. You are one of the people who has so impressed me so much with your good question asking. (I really could have included you in Pt. 2 with your BFF Lindsay) I want to be like you when I grow up!!
I am primarily talking about weddings and events where you are “getting to know” people. I think sometimes the difference in family settings can be that we feel like we already “know” each other so we sometimes neglect to ask each other questions. Or for me, I find my mother always asking me questions and I forget that she has a life outside of me. The past few years I have really tried to ask her about her thoughts and desires as well. As children I think we can sometimes forget parents are people too!
What have you found to be the difference? I think we could all learn from you.
Bekah – Thank you for your honesty! I think your example is so in line with how we could be better Christians. Taking the time to “know” people is a way we can love them. When we know them then we can better encourage them or just be a better friend to them. Would love to hear in December how your New Years resolution has gone!
Terri – That is a beautiful proverb! We might need to tweet that. (-:
Tim – I am good. Yes. Gold dust. Yes. I am about to implode.
Joy, I love that you used that Brian Regan clip. He’s so great!
I one hundred percent agree with you too. I’ve been working really hard to ask more and more questions, but I’m not quite there yet. (Now on to read Part 2 & 3.)
Katy thinks...
I totally find myself in those shoes after so many conversations! I just always thought I loved hearing stories too much…. =) Definitely an art to making sure to ask questions and the right questions. And we totally have that deep seated desire to be known–fully and truly.
Excited to see the next few posts! =)
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