I have a friend who is currently dating someone who is not a Christ follower. She knows I disapprove and, because of this, I haven’t really talked to her in months because I don’t want to hear about their relationship. Am I wrong in not speaking to her? I don’t know how to be a friend without her thinking I’m OK with them dating.
It’s good that you are trying to figure out how to be her friend; however, not talking to her is probably not a great way to maintain the friendship or be like Christ to her, so let’s think through this situation logically…
You and I both seem to agree with Scripture that, as believers, it is best to partner with and marry “in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7)—meaning that if one person believes in the Good News of Jesus and his or her life has been transformed by that belief and grace, then he or she should not compromise that belief by marrying someone who believes otherwise. It’s not to be close-minded; rather logic would cause most to conclude that chances for success in a relationship increase when you partner with someone who holds similar core beliefs.
It’s not close-minded; it just makes sense.
Therefore, because of your own experience with Jesus, it is totally understandable that your love for your friend (whom I am assuming also professes to believe) creates hesitation for you as she contemplates partnering in this life and raising a family with a man who doesn’t believe.
You probably know the verse in 2 Thessalonians 3 that says:
“If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter, take special note of that person and do not associate with him, so that he will be put to shame.”
But before you become Miss Snubby McGee, keep reading.
“Yet, do not regard him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.”
Commentaries to this passage point out that the “disassociation” is only for other believers and is not meant to shame permanently but to essentially say, “We can’t participate in this with you because we believe this is not wise for you, brother.”
“Brother” implies that while you don’t engage in what you perceive as sin, you are still treating this person as a part of the family. I love Eugene Peterson’s take on this verse in “The Message”:
“If anyone refuses to obey our clear command written in this letter, don’t let him get by with it. Point out such a person and refuse to subsidize his freeloading. Maybe then he’ll think twice. But don’t treat him as an enemy. Sit him down and talk about the problem as someone who cares.”
Notice that last part? “Sit him down and talk.”
I believe Scripture is saying, “Look, don’t YOU start dating non-Christians just to make your friend feel comfortable. Duh. Set yourself apart.”
Then, actively and lovingly confront her in a way that makes her feel like she is still a part of the family.”
My guess is, being her friend isn’t causing you to spontaneously start dating people with the opposite belief system. Therefore, I would say more than ever you need to be her friend.
Not because you want to control whom she dates but because you want her to know and believe that what Scripture preaches is there to help her, not hurt her.
It’s logical for you to conclude that if she has truly been transformed by the love of God, she will want to partner with someone who also wants to take the hope of God to the world, but the reality is…
…she may not.
You must remember and give grace for the fact that people will choose to live their lives differently than you. People will interpret Scripture differently. Don’t run away from this.
Engaging in diversity of friendships is good because it helps us grow and figure out why and what we believe.
So chew on all that, and then consider saying something like the following:
“Nancy, (my standard default name) you know I love you and care about you. I am wrong for cutting off communication for a while. I was processing some things, but that is no excuse for not being a friend. Will you forgive me?
(If “Nancy” says yes:)
“Can I share what has been difficult for me?”
(If “Nancy” says yes:)
“Obviously this relationship you are in has been difficult because of the way I interpret Scripture and God’s desire for our lives. I would love to talk about this with you so we can both grow in our understanding of what we claim to believe. I don’t want you to feel defensive, but can we have an honest conversation about this sometime?”
If your friend says yes, then I suggest you prayerfully proceed. She may say no because she was hurt when you stopped talking to her or because she knows this current relationship may not be best. If that happens, you still shouldn’t get an attitude toward her.
You are called to love her.
From my heart,
Joy
p.s. For more thoughts on asking someone out who doesn’t “know” Jesus, click HERE.
What are some tangible ways that you can love your friends – really make them feel like “part of the family” – without condoning a behavior that doesn’t jive with your understanding of Scripture?
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Wow! thank you! I’m that friend.. I just wish my friends were as wise as you! Sad when you loose friends because of your misdirected decisions, that’s when you need them the most, if they only knew……
This one is so tough. I think it’s hard because it doesn’t seem like the friend has actually sinned… more like made an unwise decision.
If that friend starts sleeping with her boyfriend and won’t listen to godly confrontation, after a certain series of steps, eventually the church needs to get involved. And if she still wouldn’t respond to the church’s loving correction, Jesus then says, “Let [her] be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector” (matt 18:17), which essentially means, “Don’t treat her like she’s a Christian”. But it doesn’t necessarily mean shunning. It means, don’t consider her an “insider” in the family of God. At this point, she’s someone who needs the Gospel in the most basic way. We all should have friends and relatives who are unbelievers. We don’t shun those people, but we recognize there is a fundamental difference in the direction our lives are taking.
I think it’s important to remember that we punish our children, not our friends, though that doesn’t mean that we can’t point out when we think they’re in error, as you so excellently described here. Great job, Joy!
Ahh, the old “flirt to convert”. I thought Christian girls stopped doing that after they got out of high school… 🙂
To answer your question; I have friends across the spectrum or beliefs (or lack of beliefs as the case may be with a few of my atheist/agnostic friends) and honestly I think it comes down to living as Christ-like as possible. My non-believing or believing friends that I might not necessarily agree with something they’re doing in a scriptural sense know where I stand, but I don’t beat them over the head with it or spend all my time trying to show them what massive sinners they are. 😉
First of all, for every finger I pointed, there would be four pointed back at me, secondly; Jesus mostly condemned the “self-righteous” whilst ministering to the lost and loving on them whether it be taking a meal with them, healing their infirmities, just simply talking to them and letting them know He thought that they were important, etc. He met their needs and left most of the convicting of the person’s conscience up to the Holy Spirit.
I think that applies to both Christian and non-Christian friends. That’s not to say, don’t let them know where your difficulties with them come from, but after that, let it drop. I would hope that my friends would do the same for me.
And thus ends my rambling and probably somewhat incoherent thoughts on the subject. 😀
great post as always Joyful! here’s the rub… the bible never tells us not to DATE an unbeliever {don’t flog me for this statement} – it says do not be unequally (and permanently!) YOKED (like in marriage)…
Personal experience says – avoid missionary dating at all costs… because it DOES cost your heart and wastes your time if you are looking for a future spouse.
However, to be clear, the bible doesn’t say “thouest shall not datest an unbeliever” – it just says “do not marry one (e.g., be unequally yoked)” – Im’ always careful not to add to scripture stuff that is not there – although – life lessons have taught me missionary dating is for the birds
So how does this apply to adult children, who once professed faith and are now living with a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Friends usually can pick up where they left off even if time/space/offense has interfered. Expressing concerns about the mismatch is a worthwhile effort. Wanting to control the results after the admonishment is overstepping boundaries. The space and grace to sort things out is a godly thing. God gives us room to make mistakes, fail, to discover the error of our willful ways…an yet maintains His love for us. I agree with Matt, the Holy Spirit does a much better job in the “convicting” business. Think of ways to clear the “bridge” again or make the path of communication navigable by being available. Joy’s model of apology, getting permission to talk and prayerfully proceeding is great advice.
joy handled things beautifully as per usual. i would only add that if you cut off a friend who is doing something you don’t agree with, you are going to be the last person they think to come to when things go wrong and they need wisdom to figure it out.
in this particular case, the friend who does he cutting off has broken trust, not one who is making the mistake.
i know i wouldn’t want to be cut off for making a mistake.
It is hard to feel frustrated with a friend. Sometimes you have to say your peace and then just love the friend. It is harder when it is a close friend. It does change the relationship dynamics. From my experience, it just takes loving and helping them see different.
Great answer. A good friend sticks with you, even if they aren’t physically by your side. They’ll be offering grace and holding you up in prayer.
I’ve had to learn that loving friends isn’t about changing them into who I think they should be. That’s just loving my own idol. Loving friends means loving them where they are and encouraging them in the Lord.
Great words Caitlin!
GREAT advice, Joy! Don’t know how I missed it until now. Sharing this post with the Future Marriage University (FMU) community at https://www.facebook.com/FMUniversity.
My cousin is devout but her husband of 15 years is an atheist. He is completely supportive of her and they are quite happy. Even if it doesn’t seem wise to you, your friend may be happy and it will ultimately be her choice. Discuss your concerns, but know that she will be making her own choices
Abby L. thinks...
I agree that “more than ever you need to be her friend.” When we were in college, a similar situation came up with my sister/best friend. Because we had talked, prayed, and researched extensively about dating in the past, I asked her if she had changed her mind about her earlier conclusions (go ahead and laugh, we have a science teacher mom). When she said “no,” I admitted to being confused because I couldn’t see how her actions lined up with what she said she still believed. She didn’t really have a good answer but I reaffirmed that I am always on her side and knew she was on mine, whether we agreed or not. From my perspective, she already had lots of people giving her advice and opinions but not who offered a “safe place” where she could speak freely and process what was going on.
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