Can Guys & Girls Be Friends? Introduction
Can Guys & Girls Be Friends? Question #1
Can Guys & Girls Be Friends? Question #2
Can Guys & Girls Be Friends? Question #3
Is it possible to be friends with someone I used to date?
In a perfect world, where everything functioned as it should, the answer to this question would be…
Yes.
Yes, we can be friends on some level.
The reason is that in a perfect world, we would treat the people we date in a Christ-like, integrity-filled way that wouldn’t leave baggage and barriers. In short, we would treat them well before, during, and after.
I’ll never forget when my friend Mike commented on the guy I was interested in, saying, “He is the kind of guy that, if you don’t work out, your future husband will thank him for how he treated you.”
Wow. That was revelatory thinking.
I could treat and be treated in a relationship where our future spouses would thank us? And then I realized, yes, that is what it would look like to date with a reverence for our significant other and God’s design.
But let’s be honest: we do NOT live in a perfect world. So, let’s acknowledge the baggage and approach this question from the broken real world and explore three possible responses.
I sense that more than wanting to be friends with exes, many people hate their exes. But we Christians don’t say “hate,” do we? Yeah, let’s go with something lighter, like cutting off parts of his anatomy or pushing her off a cliff.
Trust me, I know how unproductive this can be.
But we have our reasons, right?
The pain is deep and the anger is larger than life. You daydream about running into him or her so your cliff and cutting scenarios can become a reality. But my question to those of us who have found ourselves in this situation is WWJD?
Ohhhhh yeah, I just brought that back. I’ll be making bracelets soon.
Seriously, though, Jesus does challenge us to love our enemies. I’m not suggesting you schedule weekly play dates; I am suggesting you be friendly, which is different from being friends.
Be like Christ, OK?
But maybe you don’t want to be friends with your ex because YOU are the one who treated him or her poorly. You’re paralyzed about what your ex might be saying about you; it could be a reputation-destroyer. Your fear causes you to have an unhealthy attitude toward this person.
But guess what. Your past can be the past if you change today. Don’t continue to give your ex reasons to believe you are unable to change. If you need to seek forgiveness for something and it’s possible to do so, do. But often this can be between you and the Lord, and all you can do moving forward is make it your goal to function from a more mature place where your interactions are friendly, even if those interactions are on rare occasions.
Be mature, OK?
And, lastly, those of us who want to avoid friendship with our exes tend to carry anger, pain, anxiety, or shame. Aside from the spiritual reasons to adjust your response, there are health reasons. It’s common knowledge that anxiety, stress, and fear contribute to the breakdown of our cell walls, which makes us more susceptible to sickness.
My point: be unfriendly to your ex, and you will get the black lung and die.
Be healthy, OK?
This response is what I mentioned in the beginning as a perfect-world scenario. It can be la-la land idealistic and unrealistic, but when it works it’s probably because you haven’t accrued so much baggage that your friendship can’t pick up and move on. Maybe you were friends before you dated; you had a casual, healthy, respectful, God-honoring relationship; and you’re confident that you can remain friends.
Well done.
My only caution here: It’s very easy to deceive ourselves.
We must always be aware of whether we’re justifying something that is potentially dangerous or setting ourselves up for an unhealthy situation and just telling ourselves it’s harmless.
In our broken world, this is the most realistic mix of the two previous scenarios. When you can hold your ex loosely, so to speak, you recognize your friendship may be OK in one season and not in another.
You might not always be friends, but what’s most important, as I said before, is that you are always friendly.
There is sure to be some level of loss in the changing of the seasons, but it is so important to respect our exes’ wishes for this change and their spouses’ or significant other’s wishes. I know even seemingly small things—such as an ex defriending me on Facebook—can cause a little “What about Bob?” “owwww” moment, but I too have had seasons and reasons to block some of my exes on Facebook.
The sooner I am able to step back and accept these natural “seasons” as a reality and oftentimes healthy move, the sooner I can return to a place of peace. If I am not peaceful, then I am holding onto a desire for friendship with my ex too tightly.
May we all accept the changing of seasons, date with that perfect-world scenario in mind, and be at peace with all men.
Joy
How would you approach your dating relationships differently if you operated as if – on the chance the two of you didn’t end up together – his or her future spouse would thank you for the way you treated them?
What are some tangible ways you can be “friendly” toward an ex, without being best friends who schedule weekly play dates?
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
@Julie, Good thing you have changed your mantra or you could be getting a lot of speeding tickets!
My mom provides a great example of creating healthy relationships with your ex. After coming to Christ, she was able to forgive my father, who did many harmful things to her in their marriage, and even after.
Because my father and I reconciled, she could remain bitter or forgive. He was going to be in my life regardless. She ended up showing exactly what the WWJD bracelet represents.
My dad got cancer and was dying. She not only stood by my side through the last days of his life, but she helped care for him. She helped to feed him. Give him medicine. Pray with him.
I’ll never forget her love and sacrifice. That’s Jesus with skin on!
Amen, Joy. T I thank you for your good, sound, wisdom. I think the “just a season” scenario where the relationship has been put into a different light, where there is freedom to hold someone losely is important because it demonstrates trust. Trust that God doesn’t want us to always be in those “owwwww” moments, but wants us to experience true “mmmmhummm, mmmm-um-um-um-um” [eating Fay’s delicious dinner] moments too.
that would be “loosely” typed at a quick lunch break. And TI is proud of your wisdom, too, but that’s also a mistake. Sorry to break it, Joy.
@Erin, I used to run to TI’s “Bring em out.” I literally think I had enough adrenaline listening to that song to lift a car. I need to break that out again. Or never again…I shouldn’t be lifting cars.
@Erin, Is this hand-shucked??
@JOY, Definitely hand-shucked.
This, “My point: be unfriendly to your ex, and you will get the black lung and die.” AND a “What About Bob?” reference in the same post?? #WINNING
I’ve only ever seriously dated two women. After the relationship with the first girl ended, we tried to remain friends without a period of separation first and it was horrible because I was still madly in love with her, but she had already moved on and had started asking me for dating advice for this new guy she met (whom she eventually married) until I told her that I couldn’t do it anymore and that I needed to be away from her for awhile. After that, we kind of remained in touch, but I eventually moved to Nashville so I might run into her once every couple of years at a bar when I go home for a visit. It’s cordial, but totally just an acquaintanceship now.
The second girl I dated we had met on an online dating service and never really got to know each other before we started going out so there wasn’t much of a friendship basis to begin with. After it ended, I thought it would be better in the long run for both of us to cut it off completely than to try to keep a friendship going that had never really existed at all prior to us dating.
@G Fresh, Did you catch Erin’s additional references up above? #realwinner
Thanks for sharing your stories Matt.
Great words of wisdom Joy! Especially love your post script.
Beauty and redemption can come from relationships that end, even when sin has been present. These redemptive friendships can also be a great blessing to others. I’ve been on the receiving end of such a redemptive story, but it’s a bit too crazy to share here.
For a while now, I’ve had the vision of dating in such a way that you could be present at and joyful on your ex’s wedding day. The commandment to “love one another” comes with no fine print.
In regard to tangibly being friendly to ex’s, first, prayer is an effective means of getting to a place where you truly desire what’s best for another person. Ignoring or being rude to an ex’s significant other is a common mistake that I’ve seen made. Last, only speaking honorably about an ex publically is part of the path to preserving friendly relations.
I appreciated this post!
I really think the whole “friends” thing depends on the relationship. If you were friends first, and it was a mutual breakup…then maybe. But I’m really skeptical.
However, I think one of the healthiest and most difficult things is to have the wisdom to admit that you cannot be friends. An ex boyfriend of mine wanted to continue to have a friendship after a three year relationship–but I knew that would not be a healthy friendship for me. I had to tell him that we couldn’t be friends & we didn’t speak after that. I have fully forgiven him and moved on…not sure how long that would have taken had I tried to salvage some sort of friendship.
Did I miss his friendship? Yes, for such a long time. But if I could go back and stay friends, would I? No way.
Really enjoyed this post! I feel like I’ve seen more and more conversations going on about this whole can guys/girls be friends and can you be friends with your ex. I think it really is different dependent on the circumstances. But I’m glad you pointed out that caveat in the beginning.
I tried to remain friends with my ex for a few months after the relationship ended and it was just too difficult. I was wanting to stay friends as a way to potentially begin a relationship again and eventually i had a wake up call and realized it was just so unhealthy for me. I was extremely close with his family and sister and had developed separate relationships with them. I thought I had to maintain a friendship with my ex in order to maintain the separate relationships I had with his family (who was also my pastor/pastor’s wife which made it even more interesting! ha) Thankfully I realized that I didn’t have to.. and didn’t really desire to be friends with my ex. I was civil and friendly towards him but didn’t maintain a friendship. It made my life SO much easier. It helped me to move on and also to not hold on to any bitter feelings. He recently got engaged and I was amazed that I honestly felt happy for him. I never thought that would happen!
Julie thinks...
My parents always tried to teach me to take the high road. I didn’t always listen. The last time I seriously dated a guy was several years ago, and I was less than gracious with my words during the breakup phase. I still regret that to this day. There was no way we could have or should have been friends during that time after breaking up. Now, several years later, I can see him and have a conversation with his wife and children without being uncomfortable, and I don’t believe he is either. You’re totally right about the seasons thing.
Plus, I have to be nice to him now. He’s a cop in town. And he’s been known to turn on the siren and make it look like I”m in trouble as he pulls up to me to say hello. Gotta love small towns…
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