What is an ideal first date?
I was recently asked this question when speaking to a group of students at the College of William & Mary, and then a couple of guys have asked similar questions this week.
Men, give yourself a hearty slap on the back for wanting to know what an ideal date would be for a woman, but, as I said to the guy at William & Mary, “I can’t speak for all women, but, off the top of my head, what I personally think would be fun and laid-back as a first date would be a bike ride.”
(Followed by eating, of course. I only do sports and activities that involve food.)
Somehow in the course of answering this guy’s question, I had stepped off the stage and was standing closer to him. As I headed back toward the stage to pick the next raised hand, I turned back and gave that little 18-year-old a wink and put my hand up to my head in the shape of a phone and said, “Call me.”
Not sure that group will be asking me back.
So while I don’t think it’s a formula or list of “date ideas” that will make or break a date (Ask Joy video coming soon expanding on this…), I do think it’s fun to share stories of first dates and reasons you feel it did or didn’t go well. Take note that it’s usually for reasons far beyond what activity was planned.
I want to hear from you. Tell me what worked or didn’t work for a first date, some of the details around that date (was it blind or had you known the person since preschool?), and any insight you gained about yourself or your date through the experience.
From my “I’m too old for college boys” heart,
Joy
*Special thanks to our office neighbor, Liz at Sseko Designs for modeling for this photo!
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@Katie, Wow. That must have felt uncomfortable to hold hands with a stranger. But as you said, you felt it was a needed experience into unknown territory. I’m happy you gave it a shot. And I’m happy you let yourself cry eventually. AND I’m impressed that it didn’t scare you off from continuing to date. You are a champ in my book!
Met on the beloved eHarmony. First date was at the localish “Dog Park” followed by a beach food sit-down restaurant. Went well, and had many dates afterward. Found out at my companies Christmas party she didn’t want anything to do with children, either natural or adopted. Sorry, that was our last date.
Took a friend from church hiking for the first date. She often boasted about her active lifestyle and fitness level. Started out with a 10k hike, first mile had a 1300 ft elevation gain. That one did not go over well for her and in essence didn’t go over well for me. We are still friends, but she will not do any activities that have any kind of physical activities.
Being I am in Southern California, I am thinking walks on the beach are always good followed by a little sit-down restaurant afterward. Sunsets are priceless! Plus I always take a jacket, just in case the wind picks up and she may get a chill I can be a gentlemen and offer her my jacket.
@Aron, I just read this out-loud with my co-worker Stephanie and we were loving your second date. Sorry it didn’t work out! Take an oxygen tank next time.
Are you ready for this? I have in my repertoire a high scoring first date on the list of “Incredibly Awkward First Dates”. I was 17, fresh out of high school and for my first date with “Aaron”, he took me to a Build-A-Bear store.
No, really, you read that correctly. In his effort to be romantic, he went way past overboard and made the experience completely uncomfortable. Of course I acted like I loved it, to ease the pain of rejection for the poor boy. But what was I supposed to do? I was so confused! Did he want me to name the bear after him? Was this stuffed animal supposed to be representative of our blossoming relationship, something we were to love and care for equally? I’m not even a stuffed animal kind of girl in the first place! UGH, it was so weird.
Other than it being a terrible idea to take a first date to a place mix-matched with 5 year olds and love sick couples, I found it uncomortable by how hard he was trying to make this so “special”. I agree with you Joy, a laid back, fun activity with food somewhere in the mix is always a good idea: bike riding, kayaking, hiking, a picnic, be a tourist in your own town.
Basically, I think anything that doesn’t scream “DATE” is a good idea. I mean, it’s a first date, there is enough pressure on it already, why add to it?
@Eliza, You are hilarious. Thank you for keeping boy-bear anonymous as “Erin.” A for his effort, but I agree with your last line. Thanks for sharing!
On my first date with my ex-boyfriend, we had coffee and then we drove to a new Wegman’s that opened (they just recently came to our part of the country) and walked around and had lunch there and drove back. On the drive we listened to She and Him and while some people may say “really, a grocery store?” it was perfect. We both enjoy food and cooking and it worked for us.
Months later, grocery shopping was always one of my favorite dates with him and I still think its one of the best ways to see how a person “works” … you see what they like/don’t like, and how they organize their daily lives.
@Jillian, I like that! And I like that it was a date that obviously reflected that both of you kind of already “knew” what the other person might enjoy and feel comfortable with. Fits perfect with my upcoming video!
I love Wegmans! It was my college grocery store. I completely agree that it is a great place to learn more about a guy.
A girl took me on a first date to her ex-boyfriend’s fourth of July party.
She and I are now engaged.
@Terry Brock, Boo-ya! Poor guy. Lucky you!
@JOY, honestly, I don’t feel bad for him one bit. Kind of a jerk.
Last December I went on a first date with someone I’d met twice before. I was initially a little nervous and unsure but mostly excited. The conversation flowed easily as we ate barbecue for lunch and then went bowling and then (because neither of us wanted it to end yet) to Starbucks where we talked for 2 hours. Near the end of the conversation, he took a deep breath and said “I’m not really a fan of the whole long-distance thing*, but I want to pursue this and see where it’s going.” I agreed.
The “barbecue and bowling” first date might seem a little redneck, but it was laidback and fun and we both enjoyed it. 🙂
*We live 4 hours apart.
I haven’t dated much at all, but my last first date was pretty wonderful. I had been spending quite a bit of time with a guy I had met through another friend, and we decided we needed to make it more official and go out on an actual date. He kept it a surprise: First he took me to an outdoor batting cage to practice softball batting (I had just joined a summer softball team and had never played sports in my life, so this was thoughtful and fun), then he drove us through the countryside for a lakeside picnic which he packed. He made my sandwich, and even had little wipes to clean up (double points!). After the picnic we walked along the lake shore during sunset, and watched the stars come out. It didn’t work out with that guy, but that date is still a sweet memory.
I commented on some guy’s blog, then he flew up to Canada to visit for a week. We sat and talked for four hours in a pub that first night. After that we went to the park to look at cheesy Christmas lights. I playfully threw a snowball at him and pegged him right in the nuts. Later, we drank apple cider in a coffee shop and talked until they kicked us out.
Pretty awesome first date, if I do say so myself.
I guess the one thing that was lacking on two of the first dates was an understanding of what we were doing.
On one first date, I didn’t even know we were on a date until we sat down at the movie theater and I thought “*sniff* Wait a second… he’s wearing cologne!” I would have acted and dressed differently if I knew he was taking me out… The way he had said it to me, I thought there were going to be other people there that night, and it was just friends hanging out. I settled in and tried to enjoy myself, but I had to tell him a few weeks later that I just wasn’t interested.
The other first date was worse… It was a blind date that I thought was pretty boring, and I ended it a bit abruptly. A few days later, I checked his Facebook and it said “In a relationship.” I thought “Oh good, I’m in the clear, don’t have to hear from THAT guy again.” Then I realized that he thought he was in a relationship with ME. What I had seen as just one date, which I thought was confirmed by the fact that he didn’t contact me afterwards, he had seen as a wonderful beginning of… something. I don’t know what, because he never actually asked me to be in a relationship! That one had a much worse DTR-talk a few weeks later…
These two stories put together probably make me sound dense… But, I just think it would have been so much easier to respect these guys if they had been able to just tell me what was going on. Just a few words like “I want to go out” or “I want to keep going out with you” would have gone a long way.
@Jordan Like the River, okay I totally agree, guys need to just be clear about if something is a date or not! I’ve had times where I wasn’t sure if something was a date or not and I felt so awkward ahead of time cause I wasn’t really sure what it was! haha. Guys just need to be a little more bold about the situation.
I don’t have any super awkward first date stories (luckily!) I had a pretty good first date, dinner and a concert.
My favorite dates are definitely doing things like hiking or exploring new places, like driving to the beach 🙂
The best part about my first date was that I waited until I was 22 to go on it 🙂 I think that waiting to date can be such a positive thing. I felt more comfortable being who I really am and more confident of how to handle the newness of it all. Of course, it helped that my first date was amazing. The man I had been attracted to and praying about for months and months planned a surprise picnic in one of my favorite places. Kudos for thoughtfulness on his part. I am so glad that God gave me such a positive first date, what a blessing! I am SOO glad I waited 🙂
We rode a big, old-fashioned, paddle-wheel boat on the Potomac River and watched the fireworks over the Washington Monument on the 4th of July.
I thought it would be awkward, because it was a blind date and a work cruise. I didn’t have anyone to invite, so a staffer set me up with a former intern. Though I have very good reasons for being very happy that there was never a second date, he was an absolute gentleman and thoroughly knocked me off my feet.
In the easy summer wind and my best summer dress, lost in seamless conversation, I felt like I was in the best scene of happy summer romance movie.
Favorite thing ever about dating: the time a guy called me up on the phone and said “I want to take you on a date on Friday night.” I had no idea he was interested in me (though I was interested in him), and he looked up my phone number, said who he was and what his intentions were. It was so nice not to have to guess about anything.
Some of my favorite first-ish dates have been talk-focused, but not the coffee shop kind of talking. The “Hey- I’ve always wanted to go to such and such a place or museum, would you like to come?” Or, something activity focused, where you can have fun and take the edge off. Chuck E. Cheese or Putt Putt…
And of course, if the date goes horribly wrong and awkward, remember it’s okay. Everyone needs to have a really good “bad date” story. The first time I ever tried sushi was on a first date. The gagging added so much to the romantic atmosphere. We followed it by seeing “Seven” in the movie theater. Nothing says “call me tomorrow” like a very graphic movie about the seven deadly sins.
Love reading all these stories haha.
For a first date once I went stand up paddle boarding with a guy (I live in so cal) and then grabbed some juice at a juice bar afterwards. Though it was our only date, I still remember thinking that I liked that idea for a date, because doing something activity-oriented took the pressure off that sometimes comes with sitting across from each other at dinner, trying to not eat awkwardly while asking each other question after question. So I would say stuff like hiking, paddle boarding, biking, etc would be fun first dates.
Also, I fully agree that it is so desirable and helpful to have a guy that takes initiative to plan something, ask a girl out, and state his intentions. That allows us to know we’re clearly being pursued, and gives us the chance to be up front with our feelings in the beginning if we know we’re not interested in dating.
I think you’ll like this story haha.. it happened last summer.
I was working at a camp and had met this guy there (and he happened to leave for a bit) and texted me when he was coming back and told me he was getting his brother’s car serviced if I wanted to come with him for a day off. So not really knowing if this was a date or not.. I went along, just excited to hang out with him.
Firstly, I thought we would be driving to the nearest town (like 15 min away) but instead we drove over an hour and a half away. So we get his brother’s car fixed, and then he decides to take me to his favourite store – – a gun store (?!) and makes me hold all these guns (which I’ve never done before). Then we get Tim Hortons (I’m Canadian), and he randomly asks me to take him to look at computers (because he’s never owned one). So I’m showing him different computers and explaining them to him when he starts coughing a lot … so we get him cold medicine and he says “I guess we can’t kiss today since I’m sick…” 😐 I had no idea what to think or say so I just sort of laughed..
Anyways, after that we went to a restaurant and he told me he to get whatever I wanted because it was on him. After this..we are driving back up to camp and he stops to pick up a hitchhiker (at the last second he asks me if I’m ok with that). Then we drive past camp, and conserve with this French hitchhiker who we eventually drop off. He asks me if I want to go grab drinks somewhere else but I tell him I need to get back to camp…
True story…. I still don’t know if it counts as a date or not, but we ended up “hanging out” for the next four months or so with no clarification whatsoever.
Can I just say, I went on a first date with a stranger…and he kept checking his Facebook during dinner! SUCH A NO NO! Am I really that uninteresting that you need to check your FB on a date? REEEALLY? haha. That was our first and last date.
I would say the dates I have enjoyed include FUN things…not just dinner and a movie. I once had a gentleman take me out to get wine and dessert, but he brought along Mancala and we played while listening to live music and chatted in between. Very creative and fun! 🙂
Katie thinks...
I met a guy for coffee as a blind date but I consider our first date when he called and asked me out. I was almost 25 and going on my first date. I was nervous and excited. We went out to eat and to a movie. It was unoriginal and saw Limitless. He awkwardly held my hand during the movie. I was so nervous and thinking to myself “I’m holding hands with a stranger.” He dropped me off at home and it took everything within me to not cry until I went on a drive b myself. I was “stranger dating” and it was awkward butane fun but new unknown territory. I was not accustomed to having a guy buy me dinner and take me to a movie. It was overwhelming but a necessary experience. I would have liked it if we had done something a bit different like a picnic or bowling (as long as food is involved).
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