If the relationships you had didn’t have any major red flags, why did you end them? What made you finally say “this isn’t working” as opposed to working through it?
I don’t think that I ever have said that I ended my relationships, and second of all that they didn’t have red flags. I’ve had both. I’ve had relationships that had red flags that I needed to get out of, and other relationships that didn’t have red flags, we just decided, “Hey, you’re great, I just don’t want to wake up with you every morning for the rest of my life!”
Your question is good because I think it’s important for us to gauge what things are – or are not – red flags as best we can.
How can you prevent yourself from being blind to red flags?
How can you prevent yourself from labeling character traits as red flags that deserve grace instead?
p.s. Portland Peeps: I do love the rain, but I also blame it for having so many shoots indoors. I’m sure it won’t be the last time Rita Rain strikes. If you have a quiet location I could use for Ask Joy shoots in the future, please let me know!
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
@Anonydutch, So cool to hear! I hope you keep the wise people speaking into your life. I truly believe the hard work will pay off.
This was my question a few months ago. I feel absolutely honored to have it be answered here on your blog, Joy.
Thank you for taking the time to use your wisdom to guide others.
In Christ
@Alex, Yea! Thanks for letting me know Alex. I know it can take forever to get a question answered or posted, but I definitely read them all!!
First of all, funniest voice over yet (props to my hubby!) Secondly, I want my granny’s owl necklace back (I am 1/32nd Omaha Indian, after all). Thirdly, I enjoyed this post. I know people who have purposefully ignored major red flags because they didn’t want to deal with them and/or they really just wanted to get married. I’ve also known people who dwell on aspects of a relationship that don’t seem to be as big a deal as they have made them to be. When I was dating my now husband, there were things about him that exceeded my expectations as well as things that weren’t on “my list”. I had to ask myself if those things not on “my list” were deal breakers or if they were things that we could work through together and with wise counsel. Thanks for the post, Joy, and thanks for all your wise counsel in my life.
Now give me back my granny’s necklace. RIP, Granny.
@Lindsay, Love your thoughts. FINALLY. You can have the necklace back the next time you post a comment. Which I guess will be in 2.5
Nana can you hear me!?!
Thought I’d make up a list that might help folks who come across the blog post… (not an exhaustive list, by the way)
Red flags/dealbreakers:
* You discover that the person is not a Christian.
* You discover that the person and you have such vast differences in theology/doctrine, even though you are both saved, that you really wouldn’t be able (or willing) to overcome that dissonance.
* Your life paths are on two different trajectories.
* He/she is constantly belittling you or things that are important to you.
* Your trusted mentors and advisors really, really don’t like the person.
* The person has habits that would be detrimental to your health or the health of your family — addictions (including smoking, if you, as I am, are allergic to cigarette smoke).
* You tried, but you’re not really attracted to him/her.
* One of you wants kids; the other doesn’t.
* One of you has a heart for adoption or fostering or both; the other is heartily against it.
* One of you is really looking forward to sex; the other doesn’t want it at all {which leads me to wonder why that person is dating at all} or will be incapable of having it (medical reasons).
* As Joy mentioned, the person cannot control or refuses to control his/her anger.
* The person is obstreperous —> extremely resistant to change (growth, correction, etc.).
* Three words: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (we’re not talking about being stuck on oneself and looking in the mirror a lot; we’re talking about the mental illness that is pretty dang tough [nigh impossible] to live with — DO NOT MARRY someone who exhibits the signs — consult the DSM-IV-TR for symptoms and explanations).
Yellow flags:
* The person really doesn’t seem to be someone who is going to be good “plant food” for the soil of life [i.e., life together – marriage] in order for you to “grow and blossom” (which likely also that you wouldn’t be good fodder for him/her either).
* Your trusted mentors and advisors just don’t see the two of you as a good team for the Kingdom.
* You tend to irritate each other more than you enjoy being together.
* You have little to nothing in common beyond both being Christians and both being interested in marriage.
* One of you has some emotional healing to do (this might be an issue of timing [you’re a great fit, but one of you needs some time away to deal w/ some stuff before getting back together again] or lack of maturity [someone with ‘paralyzing’ shyness or paralyzingly low self-worth is rather toxic in a romantic relationship]).
@Andrea-Elena, Thanks for giving some great suggestions. If you watch my video again you will notice that I try to stay away from hard and fast rules because I do want people to take these questions and concerns to scripture, prayer and their community and ask themselves bigger questions. Sometimes when we function in lists and blacks and whites it can keep us from asking the bigger questions of “why” before we get to what we believe God is saying is right or wrong or what is right or wrong for us and our relationship. But again, I love the way you are thinking and the lists you have come up with for yourself. Keep it up!
@JOY,
Hey, gal! Thanks for the feedback.
I wasn’t really intending for them to be a checklist — more like descriptions for people to use to look at their situations and see “Hey, THAT might just be the thing that’s been niggling at me, but I just couldn’t put it into words.” Definitely, prayer, reading and meditating on Scripture, and consulting one’s trusted advisors is hugely key in all of this.
So… I think you and I are in agreement, just coming at this from slightly different angles. 🙂
At the 2:19 mark, you appear to be saying the word “awkward” in sign.
@Mike, Not only can I say “so-so” in spanish, count to ten in Deutsch, but I can also sign the work “awkward” in well, sign language. Surprised you didn’t know that.
My hubby and I desperately need something and I have tried to get him to go to our churches marriage sessions together and he refuses to go but continues to say we need a divorce but has yet to leave for good ? he is sending me all kinds of mixed signals what do I do? I am a loving mother of three boys and dont wanna lose my husband despite the way he makes me feel lately i dont wann a lose him i love him soooo much …. HELP
@goodmama2012, Hi – I am so sorry to hear about the difficulty in your marriage. Thank you for reaching out. I say on the Ask Joy form: “Please note that any serious issues of divorce, abuse, infidelity etc. should be addressed with people who can meet with both parties. Please contact your local church or Christian counselor and they can help guide you. These issues are serious and desperately need the professional, personal and prayerful attention of your community.”
This is what I recommend and I pray that you take the steps to involve people who are near you to give you wisdom and insight that is far greater than I can over the internet.
Hopeful for you!
I have to stop doing so much studying. The more I learn the more I think “Oh, I am so going to read this/watch this with my future spouse in our pre-marital counseling.” It is good to go over a vast array of things pre-marriage, but my list keeps growing and growing; I think I am up to almost five months worth of things I want to be sure we are on the same track with. Love & Respect (obviously), Financial Peace University, and after this past weekend The Elephant Room ( awesome theological debates and points of view). Hopefully she will already be on board with these, but if not, the courting process is going to take forever…. I had better find her soon.
@Aron, How are those for stuff to work on while courting? Too much, too little, too structured, touche`.
@Aron, If someone holds the same foundational beliefs, it can be fun during the dating process to discuss and learn from one another about some of these other topics. Don’t see it dauntingly as “taking forever”, rather a process that will hopefully grow and enlighten you both as people. Be open to your opinions being changed or broadened! And don’t forget to have fun. That is a command.
Anonydutch thinks...
Hey Joy, great post!
It’s actually a question that’s been bugging my mind lately as my fiancé and I have taken a month apart from each other to seek God. Things that I’ve been blind to before, now come into the light and at first it freaked me out. I thought ‘this is it, we can pack up and move on’. I’ve noticed how we could do a better job at putting God in the center of our relationship, how I should not put my fiancé above God in my life, and also a whole lot of mother-in-law issues came to surface.
Still, when I think about it, this is the guy I want to wake up with the rest of my life 🙂 So this could be one of those relationships you talked about, where we just have some work to do. Quite some work… but I believe when the both of us are willing to put our backs into it, by seeking God and wise counsel 😉 we could have a great marriage together!
So thanks for your timely post and keep up the good work!
| at |