Hi, Joy!
If guys send you mixed signals, how do you ignore them and not read into them? Ooh, please publish a book soon! Make sure that the UK can get copies, too.
Cheers, babe.
Emmy
Photo Credit: Giordano Photography
Hey Emmy-Babe,
I’ll work on that book thing for you if you will do your British accent for my “On the Next Ask Joy” voiceovers.
On to real business . . .
Why would you ignore signals? What if he’s not sending you mixed messages, but rather Morse code? If he blinks a lot, I bet that’s it. He won’t think it’s weird at all when you take out a pad of paper and start making notations in correspondence with his eye blinks.
I’m sorry, though. Mixed signals are annoying.
I’m sure we have all experienced misreading and being misread at one point in our lives. So, a few things . . .
1. You aren’t alone in that annoyingness that is mixed signalage. (There are two words in that sentence that spellcheck is not pleased with.)
2. He might be sending mixed signals because he’s still unsure how he feels about you. If he dives into a relationship and then decides it’s not right, he can hear everybody saying, “Why does he always lead the lassies on?!” (Do you guys call yourselves lassies these days?)
3. But maybe he kind of does like you, so then he is torn and wants to flirt and be around you. So you hang out.
But then he doesn’t call.
(This is no longer a list; now I am just numbering my sentences.)
4.He could be trying to mess with you—there are people who do that—so if the people who know you both think he’s not serious about wanting something with you,
…then it’s probably wise to set some boundaries for yourself. Always be friendly, no need to ignore, but be clear.
5. But, again, depending on how long this mixed signalage has been going on, he could just be trying to get to know you. If everybody says he’s a good guy and there might be a chance for you two, just give it a little more time. Let him be a little awkward.
You just live your life, and eventually he might switch from Morse code to foghorn.
6. (And multiples of seven are my favorite, so this is good.) As always, talk to people who know you both and are wise, and pray about having discernment between…
…mixed signalage that needs some boundaries or mixed signalage that just needs a little more time.
Hoping to hear the foghorn from across the pond,
Joy
Have you been in a ‘mixed signal’ situation before? How did you handle it?
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” I think ultimately he was hearing what he was listening for, and that wasn’t anything I was saying.”
This so works in both directions! Great wording Julie!
First of all as a reply to Julie (@julespreever). Well said! I agree with Aron. your sentiment that he was hearing what he was listening for is so spot on in so many ways.
The only addendum (or addendumb depending on how you take it) I would add to Joy’s most illuminating response is this:
What is the possibility he is responding to your signals? Is it possible, this guy is sensing some mixed messages from your side and, in an abundance of caution, is protecting his previously bruised ego and heart? I obviously have no idea what either side has tailing behind on their baggage cart but I’m guessing this dating/flirting/going out “relationship” is not your first and whatever experiences you both bring to the table (aka: walls of personal defensiveness and protection) are affecting your stimulus and response capabilities. I can envision a dating version of the L&R Crazy Cycle going on. Not wrong, just different. 😉
I hope the signals become clear and I pray the Spirit fills you with God’s wisdom and discernment in your quest.
Matthew
I have no kind words for mixed signalage. It just create confusion, frustration, wastes time and can be dangerous. Think about it. If a ship captain was giving mixed signals in a thick fog you wouldn’t know if he was in distress, in danger, coming in hot or going out. My educated guess tells me there are rules of when and how captains are to toot their horns. Would you want to be on the descending plane where the Marshall was sending mixed messages? Night trains coming into town have rules about blowing their whistles for a reason. In time of war, mixed signals affects preparedness and safety. Scrambled messages and code breaking is a strategy to throw off the enemy. There is a reason why we have the US Signal Corps. OOrah! In the Bible, mixed signals comes across as symptoms for the double-minded and lukewarm. King David hated the double-minded (Psalm 119:113). James describes the double-minded as “unstable in ALL their ways” (James 1:8). James also rebukes them with this message, “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” (James 4:8). Neither hot nor cold, lukewarm believers are spewed out by God (Rev. 3:16). When it comes to business relationships, mixed signals is one of the strategies used by bullies in the work place. Bullies excel at mixed signals in their Jekyll & Hyde games. Someone flirting with the lifeguard and feigning drowning in order to be be rescued would lose pool privileges in my book. Mixed signals are for the players, immature, timid and indecisive. I agree with your advice, Joy, set clear boundaries when it comes to dealing with people sending mixed signalage.
What a great question Emmy and an equally great answer Joy!
I hate Mixed Signals; they happen on both sides of our wonderful genders.
I have been a part of a great ministry for a couple years that has both married couples and single folks of the same age. That is a fun one when you are single, having to check for a ring before approaching from a distance. While I was under the impression 75% of the ladies in the ministry were not interested in dating/marriage because they never talked about it; no big plans talk or even small talk, very hard to read…. So after about eight months I joined the ever so happening eHarmony; to my shock, there were many of the ladies in the ministry on there. Now that I know some of them are interested, I talk to them about “future life plans” to get more information from them and see if maybe they are someone I would decide to pursue.
This never happens for an extended period of time though. Typically three or four conversations and I have a pretty good idea if she is someone I want to pursue or not. I am very intentional about limiting the amount of conversations and or time together as to ensure there are no mixed signalage.
Be direct and intentional folks. If you are interested, Tell Them! If you are not interested, Tell Them! It was cute to make them “figure it out” when we were in grade school; not so much now, and the pain is much more damaging now I think.
What a great topic!
I was recently in a similar situation. I had been friends with a guy since the beginning of college. During the last semester we shared several classes and lots of time. In the two years that have followed, I have received what I thought were many mixed signals. We live several states away from each other, so the friendship was long distance. We would talk for hours on skype, and even talked about moving to be closer. In a random turn of events, I ended up on a boat one afternoon with him and his parents for 9 hours! They asked me some pretty important questions, and even joked around about how well I would fit in with the rest of the family. I was so confused at the end of that day.
I gave him a week to say something, but I was going crazy inside. I realized that my silence wasn’t more glorifying to the Lord than if I were to ask him what he was thinking, just for the sake of letting him “lead”.
Anyways, I asked him, and he replied letting me know that he was sorry that I misinterpreted his actions, but that he wasn’t interested, and thought of us as nothing more than friends. I was so confused and angry. I also felt so stupid and juvenile.
After a few days, some soul searching, and some prayer I could to be thankful, and it was so freeing. I had all the information I needed in order to move on. I was no longer on his hook, waiting for him to decide whether he wanted to be with me or not. I could freely say yes to someone else that might come a long and actually know whether they are interested or not.
A couple of days after his original response, he sent another one. In this response, he talked to me about another girl he actually was interested in. He described the situation, only to say in the end that he knew how I felt since the girl wasn’t interested in him. He told me that I shouldn’t feel badly because he was feeling the same way about someone else.
I never responded back.
First: Joy, this website is fabulous! I love the videos and the blog posts, and I really appreciate your thoughts and opinions. Thank you for sharing, and allowing God to use you in such a valuable way!
Second: I am SO glad I read this post, and the comments.
I recently had quite an experience regarding mixed signals. I met a fella at a new Bible study through church, we hit it off right away, and became fast friends. He started texting me, calling me, and (from my perspective) ‘singling’ me out at study and group events to talk. He was very attentive to me, and would consistently choose the seat next to me, would always make sure I was okay and that I didn’t ‘need anything’ (water, food, whatever was being served at the study). He would check in to make sure I was home safely whenever I left the study, and wanted to make sure I went to any special Bible study related events, and would say things like: “If you go, I’ll be more interested in going”. He was very flirtatious, but was also upfront about the fact that he was not seeking a ‘relationship’, as he wanted to be committed to the Lord for a period of time, due to recently breaking up with his ex. I saw him as a brother in Christ, yet found myself developing an interest in him, and, to complicate matters, found out that one of my Bible study pals already had very STRONG ‘feelings’ for him. She would share with me that she was hoping they would eventually start dating. Immediately, I pulled back, as I didn’t want anything to affect our friendship. Over the course of 6 months, he made it very clear with her that he did not ‘see her that way’. (He also made it clear to me in a number of conversations that he did not see her that way. I always felt like he was reassuring me about that…) In the meantime, during these past months, I felt like he was making overtures towards me. Regarding the situation with my pal, and trying to work through my own growing attraction to him, I spent LOTS of time in prayer, in scripture, and seeking counsel from a number of mentors. When I would relay some of the situations that came up between him and I, my mentors began telling me that they believe I was sending HIM mixed signals. After much prayer, I started to feel like I might be willing to be open to dating him…except that he had said he wasn’t looking for a relationship, which I respected.
About a month ago, he completely pulled away from our mutual circle of friends, and stopped attending church, the Bible study, and his communication with others in the group was limited. He and I, however, stayed in constant communication. He invited me to join him for lunch at his office, to join him at another Bible study he had gone to, we talked on the phone often, texted, planned to go to ‘group events’ at the same time…
Then, while we were having lunch one day, a few weeks ago, he told me he had started dating a girl he had recently met, and they had been keeping it secret. I was stunned, hurt, and frustrated. I kindly let him know that I had developed an attraction towards him, but was glad he shared with me about the other girl, and that I wished them the best. He was completely shocked when I told him I was interested. Believe me, if I could take back telling him I was interested at that exact moment, I would! Note to self: when the person you are interested in tells you they have met someone, it’s probably NOT the best time to tell them how you feel….
Since then, he has pretty much stopped communicating with the members of the Bible study, including me. I reached out to him once since our conversation, and asked him if we could talk. I wanted to let him know that I was supporting him in his new relationship, and had no hard feelings. But, he said we needed to seek God, not each other, for a period of time regarding everything. I am saddened, as I feel like I have lost his friendship, I am praying for him, but am also choosing not to communicate with him at this time, because I want to move on. I learned very important lessons regarding the signals we send to members of the opposite sex…I see my place in sending mixed signals by keeping him at arms length, and not being honest with him, but I believe that I also misread his signals, too. Maybe I was only “hearing what I was listening for.”
Sorry this was so long, thanks for sticking with it!
Angela,
Great write up; although you told him you were developing an attraction to him, this was something he needed to hear. As you described in your situation you were both communicating perhaps more than you should have. I only say this because I am also guilty of it in the past and is why I promote extended conversations stay within the same gender as to avoid this type of situation happening and folks getting hurt when they could perhaps avoid it.
Stay strong and be intentional. 🙂
Mixed signals? There are a few things that I’ve done in the past. I wouldn’t recommend any of them.
1) Interrogate the guy
2) Ignore him
3) Revert back to Jr. High and ask a friend to do the asking
The one that has been the best has been to wait it out, ask friend’s if I’m just reading into things, and then gently start a conversation with, “I’m a little confused on how to answer when people ask me if we’re together…”
Being vulnerable is hard but it’s much better than letting yourself live frozen in the “what’s going on” stage. If you need to draw boundaries, do that! Boundaries protect us. 🙂
Also, just from my experience; if a man likes you, he won’t leave you guessing. He’ll let you know.
Julie (@julespreever) thinks...
My thoughts are what if he’s just not a good communicator? Maybe he thinks he’s getting the point across and he’s just not. I guess the “mixed signal” situation that stands out most in my head is I was in a relationship and was accused of giving mixed signals. I thought I was being very clear with where I wanted it to go. He didn’t. Turns out he was ready to move way faster than me and I probably was giving mixed signals. But that’s just my story. So coming at it from the unintentional mixed signal giver point of view, we just weren’t communicating properly. I think ultimately he was hearing what he was listening for, and that wasn’t anything I was saying.
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