I just wanted to drop you a line and maybe help a few guys out. I’ve noticed an increase in the times I’ve gotten asked out, and it’s been entirely over text messaging or Facebook. Why? If a guy is lazy in the beginning of the relationship, there’s a pretty good chance there won’t be much improvement later on. So, Joy, if you could pass this out to the men out there and give them a heads up that this is NOT what girls typically like to see, it might turn on a few lightbulbs.
-Brittany
I understand your desire not to end up with lazy guys, but…
…I would encourage you to take some time to think about the large labels you are creating for men in light of their mode of contacting you.
Some of them may be lazy, yes. But I would encourage you to communicate with them in the way you want to communicate. If they don’t follow suit or if you find out later that they truly are lazy human beings, then there’s your answer.
Until then, I would encourage you to just give them a chance and try to gauge what their character is truly like.
Some guys may need reprimanding, but I also think positive encouragement and assuming the best instead of the worst can actually make a bigger impact long term.
From my text-loving heart,
Joy
Evaluate if your communication style is lazy because you:
1. Honestly don’t really care to get to know her and you just want female attention or
2. You are appearing lazy in your communication because you are scared of rejection.
If it’s #1, stop.
If it’s #2, know that in the same way I am asking people like Brittany to show some grace and give you a chance, I would ask you to think about how you are coming across in your communication. If you are interested in getting to know her more, and she is somewhat responsive to you, then do your best to be clear. Even when it’s nerve wracking!
Example:
“Do you want to go for a hike?”
vs.
“Hey girl, whatchu doing?”
Which one do you think most Brittany’s would filter as the “lazy” communication style? She may not be interested in you, but I don’t know any woman who doesn’t respect a man who at least gives it a shot and shoots for being clear. And if she repeatedly responds to your, “Hey girl, whatchu doing?” texts, then she is probably just wanting male attention and not expecting enough intentionality from the people she dates.
Women, when a guy asks you out via text or Facebook, do you see that as a sign of laziness?
Men, what would be you reasons for a “Hey girl” text vs a clear text?
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I feel so new and stupid at all this (again). Cause if a guy told/texted/FB’d/emailed me that he enjoyed meeting me and wondered if i’d be interested in grabbing coffee, in no way would I have thought that I’d just been asked out on a date. Isn’t it just coffee with someone you’re starting to get to know? Or is the fact that it’s a guy asking a girl for one-on-one time what makes it a date? I clearly suck at this.
But I digress, because THAT is an entirely different issue altogether…
Yea, its a date. It might be just a date though…but it is a date.
For what its worth, if you’re unsure, its okay to ask a guy, “Is this a date?” — but I wouldn’t wait until you’re already there, sipping on piping hot tea. Everybody is different, but I would prefer answering that question to later finding out “oh, I had no idea that was a date.” People are generally going to assume that they’ve communicated properly their intent and miscommunication or lack of communication is rarely intentional. Then, if its not a date, at least you know that both of you know that its not a date.
My feelings about this are that so many girls are so eager to label these experiences as “dates,” that it often scares guys away, because most people want a period of time to get to know someone “no-strings-attached” style, before either party gets carried away and makes it a big deal (OMG I went on a date with so and so, and before you know it, it is on facebook). I think it’s important to play down these “encounters” or whatever you want to call them until both people are ready to reciprocate and realize their feelings for each other are mutual. Otherwise there is a lot of fear of drama and disappointment. Does that make sense? but honestly, DOES IT MATTER if it is defined as a “date” or “hanging out”…doesn’t need to be a big deal, And who cares who pays… it’s not a hill to die on.
AMEN AMEN AMEN.
Well said Roberto! (I just took the liberty to add the erto onto your name.)
I so appreciated your thoughts on this, Rob. Thank you.
Oh, Alece. You’ve stumbled onto the “is coffee just coffee?” debate. There are no good answers to this. Sometimes it’s a date. Sometimes it’s not. Context can help. But sometimes it doesn’t. I’ve resolved to treat coffee invitations as a pre-date, that could be a date or could lead to an actual date or we could just be friends. Maddening, isn’t it? You don’t suck. Not in the least.
i feel like now i need to start trying to figure out how to decipher things — like they all just got really complicated. if coffee isn’t just coffee, then by saying yes and going (simply because i want to get to know someone more regardless of what might or might not happen down the road), then am i “leading him on”? or giving a false idea of interest? gah. hurts my head to try to figure all this out!
It tis….and maybe we can chat about that in PERSON this week. (-: I think guys are different so to one what might be a date, to another might be something else. That’s why I just think it’s important to, “give it a second” and then assess the guys character.
YES. let’s talk about it in person. (i’m so excited i get to see your face!!!!) because i feel like i have a bajillion questions about all this. like if going to coffee or hanging out as friends (in my perspective) is sending a mixed signal or something. and how to avoid that when a guy hasn’t stated that he views it as something more, but you start getting the feeling he is. and now i’m just rambling in yet another comment. i’ll stop now. and pick this up in person. (eeeee!)
Oh, but back to my second thought. I love what you said, Kellie. And I would value WHAT is said over HOW it’s said as well.
Well said!! WHAT>HOW
Women, when a guy asks you out via text or Facebook, do you see that as a sign of laziness?
I’m not a woman, but I totally would this he was fearful of rejection. Personally, I can’t stand the butterflies I get in my stomach when I ask a woman out, but it does let me know I am alive and it is so worth it.
Men, what would be you reasons for a “Hey girl” text vs a clear text?
This is a hard one; the last girl I asked out was over the phone. It was a little more comfortable because I knew she couldn’t see how nervous I was and I am hoping she couldn’t hear the tenseness in my voice. She did turn me down but it was a last minute thing and was a bigger event (Valentines Dinner party) than maybe should be used for a first date. She was very re-affirming in her rejection and let me know a couple times that “She was flattered to be asked out by me, but she didn’t think our relationship was at a place she would feel comfortable going to a Valentines Dinner with me.” She repeated the flattered part a good 3-5 times in the call which helped me to understand, ‘This was a bigger event than we should be going to together’, but she would like to do something smaller and less intimate. (Or at least that was the way I took it) We have talked once or twice since then and roam in different circles at church and in our singles ministry but we have not made contact to do something together which is more than likely my fault.
Why did I ask her out over the phone?
Being that we live in different cities and only see each other on Sundays, it doesn’t bode well for Quantity Time together. That is the only reason I asked her out over the phone; call me Old Fashioned, but if I am going to ask a woman out, it is going to be face to face. Face to face reveals a lot of information by facial expressions.
NOTE: Except for Joy, who never speaks in Southern California, which would have to be over the phone. How creepy would that be; “Hey Joy, I flew all the way from San Diego to come ask you out.” Or would it be creepy? Ladies?
–. — / — ..- – / .– .. – …. / — . / .— — -.– ?
__/…—/-.//.
I prefer for a guy to call or ask me out in person whenever possible. I feel that facebook and texting are mainly used for guys to hide from the fear of rejection. I see that as a lack of confidence and a turn off. It’s a big reason I like to date guys 8-15 years older than me. I see being bold and putting yourself out there as hugely attractive! I’m a big, bold personality and I enjoy being around men who know who they are and are comfortable enough with themselves to risk a little rejection in order to ask me out.
Glad you know what you want, Noel!
Agree 100% with Kellie B. I totally understand the fear of rejection, and I would be pretty floored that a great guy had taken the time to send a message regardless of the medium. And I think some people probably feel more comfortable making initial contact via the written word, which is pretty sweet. I’m actually kind of surprised Brittany is so bothered by this. It’s not like these guys are proposing marriage via Facebook; they’re just making contact. I think it’s best to keep that part as low-key and friendly as possible.
Empathy is often the segway to grace isn’t it. Good thoughts, Natalie.
I prefer a phone call but if a guy reaches out via text or FB, I’ll give him a chance. It’s certainly not my favorite way to communicate, especially with potential dates.
Totally – and the more chances we give, the more opportunities there are for disappointment, but also for practicing how WE can communicate better. Hopefully we all just give each other a few more seconds!
I’m a little late to this discussion but I enjoy your website and infectious personality so much Joy. You truly are “joy”.
I prefer to be asked out via phone or face to face BUT you have put things a little more in perspective for me. I can compromise on how he communicates early on. There will be things I know I shouldn’t compromise on..but this…I can.
Totally not about this post…but Joy, I love your hair! I wish I had the volume like yours does! 🙂
My hair truly has no volume. I tell no lies. I do minimal washings, lots of rating and lots of hair spray and LOTS of sleeping with it in a knot. This week I’ve been trying a new thing of washing and blow drying and all my friends have said, “Did you get your hair done?!?” I have to reply, “No, I just washed it…”
I hate to think there are good guys out there getting turned away by girls who are sticklers for “The Rules” i.e. doing everything according to the formula in her head of what dating should look like… What if he’s not lazy, just in need of a little confidence boost? Honestly, aren’t we all, sometimes? I hope we can extend a little more grace to the men in our lives regardless of whether we think he’s “The One” or not, because I know I definitely want to be on the receiving end of grace, and when I am, I feel super honored. I’m not saying lower your standards, I’m saying let’s go love as we want to be loved.
AMEN AMEN AMEN AGAIN! Olivia I sure hope you keep piping up on the blog posts. Thanks for your words.
Olivia, I agree with you 100%. Thank you for sharing!
love this!
Amen 🙂 I so agree!
In my day, the only respectable way to ask a girl out was a by a note folded up and slipped into her locker. Did I seriously just say “in my day”?
I think it’s a sign of the times. Texting, FB, email, etc. are all acceptable forms of communication now. And unless face to face, not many people talk to each other. Even the iPhone has the straight to text message feature for phone calls now. So, you’re right Joy, if a guy is just being lazy because he wants attention, then stop. But if he’s interested…at least put some effort into the text. Add some smiley faces – that always helps! 🙂
(great video Joy!)
I have been asked out by text and it annoyed me, perhaps mostly becauae the guy referred to himself as Captain Awesome and made a veiled innuendo. (I think there may have been a little liquid courage involved.) I assumed he was joking since we hadn’t spoken in years and he doesn’t usually say things like that so at first I was dealing mostly with confusion and amusement. His sister, my best friend, howwever, was not amused.
How would I feel about an intentional, earnest, sober text/fb asking out? Honestly, it would just depend on whether I was interested in the guy even a little bit. If there’s been little communication prior, I’m wary of motives but a guy who has expressed interest through his actions following up with a text? I could jive with that. It’s the 21st century, after all.
I’m sure this has already been said…
1) I bet there are guys that do this because it’s easier to take rejection behind a computer screen than it is to have to face the person while being vulnerable. They may feel like the computer screen is a bit of a shield that will deflect some of the embarrassment and humiliation (as some guys do see rejection as humiliation)
2) Some people believe that FB, etc., is real communication. I think it depends on the guy. Some know how to talk over the computer but don’t have social skills in person.
3) I wouldn’t label this behavior as “lazy” as much as it is, for lack of a better term, “cowardly”.
4) Some guys may write to someone on FB just as a passing conversation. “Hey, it was great to meet you. Want to grab some coffee or something” can be sent as a “no-pressure, just wanted to let you know that I enjoyed your company” type of comment.
I really like what Kellie had to say about this topic, because by imagining myself in the mans shoes I could see myself being nervous face to face in certain situations(due to the awkwardness that exudes from my persona) and may be better to communicate my intentions via a message. I also like what rob said about just clarifying the situations to make sure errybody is on the same page. On those notes, I prefer face to face encounters but understand that a message isn’t per say lazy.
Also lets be honest we use texts or notes that aren’t “face to face” when we feel awkward or can sense tension. Is it lazy or just a way to get communication moving? I believe its probably the latter half of that question.
I have to agree with Joy. I don’t really care whether or not the guy asking me out texts me or calls me. It’s how he asks me out that is what matters. In the culture we currently live in, for many people, it is perfectly acceptable to communicate by text. My BFF prefers text to talking on the phone. If a guy has been communicating with me by text, then I wouldn’t expect him to call me for a date. And vice versa if he’s been communicating with me by phone – I am not going to expect him to all of a sudden to text me to ask me out. With that being said, if he asks me to go do something and is specific about what we are doing, when and where, I’m more apt to respond positively than if he just send me a text that says, “Hey girl, whatcha doin’?” I won’t be so responsive to that type of text.
I think it is also important to guage what level your communication with them has been in the past. If this is the first time they’ve texted you after having spoken to you face-to-face many times, then yes this does sound like a fearful response. But if your communication is primaily through texting to begin with (maybe you see them face-to-face once a week), then using a medium that you both are already comfortable with is not suspect at all. (epecially if they find out and invite you to an event that happens before your next meeting)
Personally, I am a little hard of hearing (not enough for people to know without telling them) and i have difficulty hearing what someone says through the phone these days (due to a low DAQ from VoIP connections), this makes me unashamed to ask out via texting/fb if seeing them face-to-face would be too late.
Kellie B. thinks...
I was recently asked out via Facebook, but rather than seeing the medium as a turn-off (as I once would have expected myself to), I was impressed because of what he said. Basically, he said he enjoyed meeting me and asked if I’d be interested in grabbing coffee sometime. It was simple and direct – no drama – and I was thrilled. In other words, WHAT he said was more importan than HOW he said it. Thanks for this post!
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