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A few weeks ago, I attended an event on the topic of abuse. One hour before I left, I wrote down something that was weighing heavy on my heart as I thought about myself and the LRN community. This is what I wrote…
Right now, I have the same feeling I get right before doing a work out. I know it will be good for me and beneficial in the long run, but I sluggishly dread the toll I know it will take.
This morning, before doing a workout (which resulted in a physical reminder of how old I am getting), I tweeted something that resonated with many.
When you’ve been wounded by the minority, don’t project that onto the majority. All men & women are not like the person who hurt you.
Many of us have been wounded.
Some by an unrequited-love-let-down, some by betrayal, some by abuse. And while I think it’s utterly important that we always remember and take stock of what has happened to us, (and for many of us that involves getting counseling to process the pain) I do think it’s important to remember, when we meet someone new, they are NOT the person who hurt us.
Yes, there may be legitimate fears because of how we’ve been hurt and moving forward in a new relationship should always be paired with cautious care.
But when you start emotionally or mentally projecting the sins of someone in the past onto someone in the present, you put them in metaphorical handcuffs.
Essentially, someone new will be taking the punishment for the sins of someone old, and they will begin to feel locked away and helpless. Sure, there are those people who will “fight” for us, and that’s romantic in its own way; but, it can also be exhausting and unfair for them over the long haul. We all must…
…find the difference between allowing someone new to build trust and forcing someone to climb an endless ladder.
I would encourage all of us today to take stock of our wounds and remember: the new person in your life is not the old person who hurt you…so let’s let them out of jail and off of the ladder.
Here is part of a prayer from a book my mother lives by called 31 Days of Praise. It’s encouraged me in my own journey, so I thought I would share it with you.
“…And I praise you that I need not fret about these people, or be envious, or mull over angry thoughts to prove I’m right. Thank you that by Your power I can receive them as You receive me: just as I am, warts and wrinkles and hangups and all…that I can choose not to judge them, but to forgive them…to cancel any debts I feel they owe me–any apologies, obligations…that through Your grace, I can choose to wipe clean any slate of grievances I have within me, and to view these people with a heart that says, “You no longer owe me a thing…”
From my heart,
Joy
P.S. The training I attended was put on by an organization called Mending the Soul. It was intense and very impacting. If you have encountered any type of abuse or trauma, I recommend looking into the program. I also highly recommend the book Shame Lifter if you have been a victim of abuse.
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Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
Spot on Joy! Too often I and some others, do not fully recover or forgive our past hurts and ‘Categorize’ all men/women into a pot. No-one survives or deserves it.
So thankful God has forgiven me for the horrible sins in my life, past and future!
I love your heart, Joy. And your wisdom. It sometimes takes courage to do what you’re talking about in this post…of course when we’ve been hurt so often our rections are…never again will I allow this…and therefore red-flagging every little possible tendency we see. But that’s not living in freedom. Thanks for pushing us toward being freer!
I love this. But as I was reading it I wasn’t thinking of any relationship I’ve been in or past relationships. All I could think about is how the death of my nephew 11 years ago has affected every aspect of my life. There are times I think I’ve moved on and times it just creeps up on me and I’m not ready for it. At this very moment my sister-in-law is in the hospital giving birth to twin boys. I’m so excited. And I’m terrified. I’m overwhelmed with joy, and I can barely breath with anxiousness. What if the same thing happens to one of them or both?
I think it’s the days when I start to think I’ve got it all figured out that it comes in. So tonight, I’ll walk through the fear and anxiousness and I’ll put one nephew in one arm and one in the other and just pray for their protection ’cause that’s all I can do. But I’m also open to suggestions. 🙂
Sorry for the totally unrelated comment! 🙂
Just a reminder that I’m still broken and I can’t do it all myself, and for that I’m thankful…most of the time 😉
There are times when I’ve behaved in ways that were destructive to myself….these are the hardest ones to work through. As a result of my own self-wounding, in the past I would project the shame I felt towards my previously prospective spousii (fancy way of saying ex-girlfriends I suppose) in an attempt to control them so they wouldn’t make the same mistakes I made. Aside from the hurt that I’ve felt from others, I’ve found that the hurt that I’ve caused myself has been much more difficult to release, thereby saying, at times, that Jesus wasn’t good enough for me. A complete lie, naturally.
So, after having read through Mending the Soul my eyes were opened much wider the cycles of abuse that have happened around me and even to me. What an amazing book. I am wondering what the training was all about and what it was geared towards. It interests me a great deal as I am starting into a counseling degree this coming year. Joy, I would very much like to hear more about the training that you referenced.
You have no clue how much perfect timing this article has. I was sitting here, in a battle over the knowledge that I need to begin a new relationship with a church body, and intense pain and betrayal that still is so fresh from another. While I know this article dealt more with romantic relationships, it struck a huge chord over things going on in other relationships in my life…and might just make it easier to take that step this weekend and start searching again. Thank you.
Esther thinks...
You are so brave. Thank you for this post. xoxo
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