Ask Joy

Hi, Joy!

My girlfriend and I have been in each other’s lives for four years. We dated my senior year in high school, dated for two years, and then broke up.  Later, after we broke up, she became a follower of Christ and being agnostic myself was interested in her faith. I started going to church with her and after a couple months I accepted Christ too. After awhile we started dating again and it’s been almost a year. 

Since our past involved a sexual relationship, it’s been extremely hard to not go back. She wants to wait a year or two to get married and I keep suggesting that we get married fairly soon because this sexual desire I have is causing arguments and negativity to the relationship. Every time she and I talk, we can be having a great conversation and then, out of fear of waiting, I talk about marriage. I couldn’t possibly wait that long to have a physical relationship with the girl I am in love with. But she wants me to wait. I have absolutely no clue what to do. I’m a very analytical person and I’ve attempted everything to fix this overwhelming problem. What should I do?

—Benjamin

My Response

Hey Benjamin,

Here is the good part of your problem…it’s not a problem.

Well, it’s a struggle, but listen to me when I say: YOU ARE HUMAN! You are sexually attracted to a woman you want to marry! Which is A.) how you were designed, and B.) far better than responding like a wet noodle when she walks in the room.

I know, I know…it doesn’t make your situation any easier. And guess what else doesn’t make it any easier? Most people think your desire to wait to have sex until you’re married is about as normal as pigs flying. Cue one of my favorite commercials:

Right off the bat, you are in a huge minority—the “problem” you are facing isn’t a “problem” to most of our peers because most people don’t see a benefit in denying any pleasurable desire.

Life’s all about feeling good in the moment, right?  

I would argue that it’s not. Love can actually deepen when we discipline our desires. Still, the struggle is real because biologically, your body wants to get down.

Let’s take a closer look at your problem and why it’s both a good and bad “problem.”

Bad Problem:

If I were your girlfriend, I would hold her same sentiments about delaying marriage. Why? Doesn’t Paul say in Corinthians that you should just marry if you “burn” with desire?

True, but I also think Pauly Paul was saying it with his eyes rolling a bit.

I think he was empathizing with the fact that we all get crazy sexual urges—that’s natural. So, if you and your future spouse are “all in” in every other way, don’t deny the reality of your sexual urges—just get married already. Why make it difficult for yourselves?

However, from the sounds of your email, your desire to marry her—while honest—is stemming from the fact that you have told yourself that it will be IMPOSSIBLE to wait. Your sexual desire seems to be the driver of your desire to marry. I know this isn’t your intent, but again, if I were your girlfriend, this is what I would hear from you:

“I have zero ability to discipline myself.  Sex controls me and will continue to control me and the decisions I make. Not love.” 

Your girlfriend, whether she is aware of it or not, is probably feeling a little more on the objectified side than I’m sure you are intending to communicate. And that’s probably why she wants to see if your love and loyalty will outweigh your horniness. I would too.

Good Problem:

Besides the reason I listed above, I think this is a good problem to face because you are forced to evaluate what sex and sexuality mean to you, to your future wife, and to God. When we don’t have a theology or understanding of why God tells us to practice restraint, we only see His law as legalistic and not out of love.

But here’s the thing: you’ll have to sexually discipline yourself in marriage too. 

WHAAAAAA??!?? 

Do you think that once you get married, your wife is open for business whenever you want? What about when she has a baby and can’t have sex or she goes on a business trip for three weeks? Or what about when the neighbor lady hits on you at the block party? Practicing sexual discipline now WILL have benefits for how you remain loyal in marriage.

And the payoff will hopefully be a shifted view of selfish sexuality to one of selflessness.

I’m not trying to shut you down or minimize your real and present desires (and again, I completely admire your honesty), but I sense that your sexuality has become solely about your own needs and not about the bigger picture of marrying a wife, not a body.

So What Do You Do?

Find other dudes who you admire and who hold the same values as you. Talk honestly about the benefits of sexual discipline before and in marriage, and take a look at the difficulty and reward of discipline in all areas of life.

Outside of becoming legalistic (which is a real temptation Jesus definitely called out), I don’t see too many downsides to practicing discipline. (I ignore that last sentence when I go to In-N-Out burger.) There’s a famous book called the Celebration of Discipline. I would highly recommend checking it out and praying through these areas of your life that seem to be all-consuming.

God is the one who gave you these desires, so feel free to thank Him for the double-sided struggle and blessing of our sexual organs. Go to Him honestly in prayer (before going to your girlfriend) about this “good” problem of yours.

Also, when the problem arises again, get off the couch and go for a run. For now, jog it off. It won’t be quite the same endorphin release you’ll get from having sex, but it’s something. Who knows, you might become a marathoner! (-;

From my heart,  

Joy

p.s. Check out the book “Hooked” and a number of other books on my recommended reading list. Hooked is written by two doctors, it’s an easy read that might help you understand your sexual wiring a bit better. I find understanding myself scientifically helps me understand my body and God’s design. You aren’t alone!

______

Questions

Do you think this situation is a “good” or “bad” problem?

Do you know of any other books or resources that could help us better understand our sexual wiring?