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I had a fight with my husband tonight and I’m at a total loss for knowing what to do now. Essentially, what happened was this…He’s much better with computers than I am so I asked him for help with an issue I was having with ours. After giving me his advice, I asked him if he was sure and then continued with more clarifying questions. He got really annoyed and shot back, “It’s simple enough for a 3rd grader to do.” So, then I shot back with some remarks, including a parallel to the way his father is–which didn’t go over so well. In the end, he said, “You’re always right. I’m always wrong,” and then he just shut down. This always happens when we argue. So, what do I do?
From my heart,
Joy
Have you or someone you know ever been caught in the crazy cycle of conflict? What are some of the common triggers you’ve seen or experienced?
When you have been the one wronged, how could your approach during moments of conflict help to bring resolve to the situation or the relationship?
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Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
I completely agree with Bethany on the fact that the man in the situation probably felt more and more disrespected by being questioned on whether or not he was sure. Of course all of this is based on what was described in the video, relayed from an email. Having only part of one side of a situation makes it hard to give full and proper advice, but I feel that the advice that Joy gave was sound based on the assumptions that were made. However, from the information given, I think that both parties were wrong equally in their own way. On one side the wife is questioning her husband whether he believes he is right, which disrespects him. On the other side the husband fires back with belittling statements because he feels disrespected, instead of telling her that he is absolutely sure and that she should do what he knows is correct. If the husband ends up being wrong then the wife can let him know that what she tried was wrong and that allows the husband to admit he was wrong and still have his respect. Again as Joy said, this is all based on my understanding of one side of a conflict from my perspective of being single and never married.
Bethany I think you are totally right with the fact that it filters as distrust. I actually talked about that in this post because it’s such a huge topic. https://loveandrespectnow.com/2013/02/ask-joy-trust-me/
I do know there was more to the email than I shared, hence why I aired on the side of it being more of her husband in the wrong – but at the same time I hate only having one side of the story. Regardless of who was right/wrong I think the bigger theme I wanted to address was: What do we do if we want to have influence but we feel like we are the one who is wronged?
Really appreciate your added insights. Keep em’ coming!
Those are all good points. There is also the probability which you briefly touched on is that possibly there are some hidden issues or unresolved conflict between the two of them. I would recommend that they both explore that option at a time in which they are both feeling good, well rested and not tired or hungry. Sometimes when there are adverse conditions which I just mentioned, that is not the best time to talk about things that are unpleasant. Timing is everything. I know that it may be difficult to be aware of it, but with some self reflection, they just may find the answer. Another clue to that is that she stated that they “shot” at each other which definitely suggests that they are on opposite ends.
Sadly I did not hear of Love & Respect until after I was divorced, but I did see and recognize the crazy cycle as my Ex-Mother-in-Law would put my Ex-Wife and her sister against each other every chance she got so she could be the mediator, break up the fight and she would be loved by both. #Run-on-Sentence
I am almost a bit of a passivest when it would come to conflict with us; I would sit on the couch and try and pull as much information as I could out of the situation so I could try and get to the root cause. This would come across as “Questioning her” and “Not believing what she was saying” as she would let me know. My family typically is not the best at communicating — if you don’t understand me, let me say it slower, louder and with a tone — and I realize how this hurt me in my upbringing so I always try to gather more information and do all I can not to react as my family typically does. At times I would go get the mail and ask her to “cool off and gather her thoughts” and by the time I would get back, she would be calmed down and we could communicate again; think this happened twice in out six years of dating and marriage.
I was not wronged but once was hurt by a friend in a conversation I was not a part of. A blanked statement was made “I wouldn’t date any of the men in the such-in-such-singles-ministry.” Now the statement was not made to or at me, but it totally hurt to hear a woman friend of mine say it. She noticed I was in earshot and said to the other women in their discussion “Wonder if that hurt Aron?” Most of the women said “No” but she approached me the next day to see what my take was if I had even heard her. I did communicate that it hurt; but she apologized and was very sorry. I would’ve dropped it and had almost forgotten about it before she brought it up to apologize; thinking that forget it thing is a gift from God because most men deal with anger, wrath and bitterness.
Good Situation in this email though where both people were treating each other inappropriately.
I feel as if this is talking about my Ex-BF and I. After a uncomfortable (but short) time together and subsequent breakup, I kept asking myself, “What part did I play in the fallout?”. It has been interesting and enlightening finding out about myself and how I relate in ALL relationships, and not only romantic ones. But here’s the thing, after not speaking for almost 3 months, he now wants to talk. I asked for clarification about what he would like to talk about and he kept shooting back, “So, you don’t want to talk?”. I responded that I didn’t say that, just seeking clarification about what he would like to discuss since we weren’t really friends either. Suffice to say, he shut down and didn’t call me again. Now I’m faced with the same question the lady in the email is facing, in that whenever we had an argument he would shut down and I would always be the one apologising for sounding disrespectful. It gets tired after a while and I get labelled with the same response of, “You’re right. I’m wrong.”. I’m also at a loss because I’m tired of being perceived as being ‘right’ as an end to the argument, I just want clarification. I want to hear him out but I’m tired of always being the one apologising for being disrespectful when the love isn’t coming through from him either.
Apologies for the rant but it’s been gnawing at me for a while now…
Simangele – Thanks for sharing. It sounds like a draining relationship for both of you. As long as you know you aren’t at fault and you are only seeking to clear up communication, then I guess I’m unsure why you want to keep engaging with him. Doesn’t mean you have to be mean or judgemental, but it just doesn’t seem like a relationship worth pursuing if he’s not the type of man you want to marry.
Marriage can be more or less difficult depending on how wise you are when you date. In some areas I would say, “fight for it!” and in other areas I would say, “run!”
When you are in a marriage though, as this couple is, then you have made a commitment. And as long as it’s safe (and this situation seems to be) then there are definitely ways for two good willed people to figure things out.
Just because you could figure things out with this guy, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right move right now. Sounds like both of you are more reactive than proactive. I could be wrong, but it seems like it’s time to close that door. But don’t slam it in his face. (-:
Sorry it’s been rough!
Bethany thinks...
Based on your summary of her email, I’m not sure it’s as one-sided as you describe. This woman says she kept questioning him. I’m sure many men would feel disrespected if their wife kept second-guessing their advice. If she didn’t understand what he said, she could say something like, “could you explain that a different way? I don’t understand.” or if she had tried his advice already, say “I tried that already and this is what happened.” By saying “Are you sure? are you sure?” it’s like saying “I don’t trust you. I don’t believe you.” I know when I ask my husband for his advice and then question or disregard it, he feels hurt. He kind of shuts down right away (before all the accusations and insults 😉 ), but it’s only so he can process why he feels hurt. I know that if I give him space he’ll come back and tell me what happened.
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