Hi Joy,
I watched your video about leading people on. At first I thought, “Oh! I am free and clear. I never lead anyone on…ever. They just take my friendliness out of context.” Then I realized my behavior hasn’t been just friendly. I have been the textbook definition of a tease and now I don’t know what to do. So my question is: how do you dig yourself out once you’ve led someone on?
Photo Credit: Lauren Dubinsky
Well, you could put the shovel down and say you are sorry. And then, stop.
Unless, of course, you like them. Then you aren’t leading them on—you are doing what I define as “flirting to let them know you are interested in getting to know them more.”
I often talk about being friendly to everyone because, in the past, I would be mean to people who I thought might be interested in me. I’d try to make them not like me by becoming unlikeable.
But, as I’ve mentioned before, my mom told me this was dumb and that she raised me to be nice to everyone.
Sorry, mom.
Being nice to everyone means that some people might fall for you. But that doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. If your personality is positive and inviting, that’s going to be attractive to a lot of people. My guess is, you probably have a lot of men and women who want to be your friend.
On the other hand, “textbook flirting” can be defined as:
to court triflingly or act amorously without serious intentions; play at love coquet.
Wait, coquet, the lawn game?
Not quite. Coquet is defined as “trying to attract attention and admiration for mere self-gratification.”
Like I said, by my definition, flirting is a good way to be even friendlier and give someone initial clues that you are extra interested in them without awkwardly shouting, “I AM INTERESTED IN GETTING TO KNOW YOU – DO YOU FEEL THE SAME?!”
However, if you are “textbook flirting,” then your heart and intentions are probably only in it for personal gain and attention with no hope for anything other than self-gratification. In which case, yes, that would make you a tease. So just stop. It’s annoying.
In short, let people speak into your life. If they think you are leading people on and causing hurt and confusion, take that counsel and turn the volume down on the vibes you’re throwing out, especially if you think someone might get hurt.
But if you know your heart is in the right place, you don’t have to feel guilty if someone likes you.
Be clear if you’re not interested in them if they state their interest in you. Consistently be kind to everyone, while giving a little more of your attention to the person you like.
Hopefully, they’ll get the clue.
Or, for a bolder approach, you could write your name in gasoline in their front yard and throw down that match. My mother hasn’t put the kibosh on that one yet.
From my pyrotechnic-loving heart,
Joy
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What is your definition of “flirting”?
Have you ever been in a situation where your friendly personality was interpreted as flirting? How did you handle it?
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Yes, it is tough. I do think praying for discernment if we think someone is getting an impression we aren’t trying to send is wise, but at the end of the day we shouldn’t counter and be mean just to not lead someone on, ya know? Feeling shame for someone liking you, isn’t right. But if we are friendly/flirtatious for our own self serving purposes, then a healthy little dose of guilt to bring awareness of another persons feelings to light is probably a good thing.
I guess what I mainly want is for people, like the person who wrote in, who are introspective and trying to do the right thing, I want to send the message for them to live in freedom and not fear. The people who have impure motives won’t be reading this post or wanting to change or protect the hearts of others anyways.
What do you think?
Definitely agree about praying for discernment. And I appreciate your emphasis on living in freedom, not fear. Good for me to hear.
Did you see my (late) comment on the Leading On video? I expounded more there, with some questions and thoughts I’d really love to hear your input on…
Thanks, friend.
What a great question and write up Joy; thank you for sharing.
I would categorize “flirting” as giving a little more ‘niceness’ and/or ‘attention’ to a person you are interested in getting to know more. It is that ‘extra attention’ you hope they pick up on that you are interested. Some folks, like me, need a bit more direct attention as I am not always paying attention nor perhaps considering ‘being interested’ in someone.
I do all I can to not be “flirtatious” with anyone unless I am interested in dating them. I have even gone as far as avoiding certain folks while at different social events as to not appear as I am pursuing them. As I am a ‘walk them to the car’ and ‘open the doors for them’ type of man, I have to be sure it is known I do that for everyone as to not show ‘more attention’ to anyone so there is no confusion.
Thanks for sharing Aaron – I think these were the tangibles Lola was looking for but as I mentioned, each individual has to see what this is for them. On one hand a woman might be appreciative that you don’t walk her to her car because you don’t want to lead her on, but on the other hand, she might appreciate that friend walking her to her car if she feels unsafe!
It can be a tough line though, especially if you KNOW someone likes you. Thanks for being a guy who tries to live intentionally!
Interesting subject. I don’t believe I ever have trouble with this, but I have friends who do. Some of them flirt all the time but have done it so long that they don’t even realize they’re doing it; it has become natural to them. If someone points it out they’re surprised.
You had a fun response, Joy, but you didn’t really address the question very practically. How does a person dig themselves out? Your advice is pretty much just stop. But how, especially if they’ve been doing it for years? How can they differentiate between flirting and being friendly?
Thanks for your feedback Lola. You might notice that I don’t often give “three steps” to anything on my site. I generally try to get people to examine the heart. So for this person, I wanted to define the differences I saw between flirting and friendliness. Only an individual can assess their true motives and when they want to examine their heart and realize their motive is wrong, then only they can assess what they are tangibly doing and stop. So while you might define one thing as being flirty, another person may view it as being friendly.
And the reality is, that if your friends really are ill-willed and flirtatious and like the attention and have no plans to stop, then they aren’t going to change by reading a blog that says here is what you should/shouldn’t do.
Change comes from the heart, and each individual has to evaluate their own heart and actions. As scriptures says, different believers stumble over different things, so we all need to take stock on our own actions. That is why I intentionally said to the person if they knew their heart/actions were wrong, then to stop. Stop whatever actions “they” were doing once they evaluated the “why” behind those actions.
Hope that helps clarify!
Alece Ronzino (@aleceronzino) thinks...
The “being nice” thing has been getting me into trouble. Figuring out this single-again situation, I’m realizing that just being me somehow leads people to think things I’m not intending. I H-A-T-E hurting people, so this has been a hard and bizarre season for me. Still trying to figure it out…
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