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I’ve gotten Ask Joy questions about online dating—is it good, is it bad, is it a sure-fire way to go on the most awkward date of your life and thus resign to living alone with your cats or Star Wars collectables in your parent’s basement forever…
And over the years, I’ve attempted to give you good people some good answers. Here’s some thoughts about e-Harmony:
I’ve encouraged my single friends to try it—to go on dates and embrace the awkward and see where it goes—because, let’s be honest, we could all use a little more awkward in our lives.
But I have to confess: I had never tried online dating for myself.
That is, until now.
That’s right, kids, I put my money where my mouth is…for a month. Here are my initial thoughts for married and single peeps:
From my heart,
Married folks, have you ever told a single friend to try online dating? Have you attempted to see what a full time (and awkward) job it is for them?
Single folks, want to try it for a month too and tell report back??? (I recommend doing it with friends!)
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I can see the series now: Joy’s Adventures in eHarmony. This could be really good 🙂
I’ve been trying it out for four months now… I think it takes a month just to get used to the process. At first I was freaked out by guys who seemed eager to fly through the online steps. Now, after months and not a lot of “progress,” I’m going through the online steps more quickly too. You get a feel for what you do and don’t like in profiles and all the different types of profiles guys create. I’d be interested to see how you feel after one month–if you think you need to give it more time to really experience it. I’ve wanted to quit multiple times throughout these months! But eHarmony knows what they’re doing… they’re not random in how they pass matches to you, when and who they pass to you. There’s a reason online dating is a billion-dollar industry now. Have fun, Joy!
Well…I did more than one site. I figured, why not dive in head first! And let’s just say none of us ladies knew you had to manually delete the account so we’ve all been charged with one more month. For some of us that might be a good thing, for others of us we might be moving on…but at this point the project is too fresh and we want to give it some time to reflect. We may share later in the year – but we would love to hear about your journey too!
I have tried both eHarmony and Christian Mingle, and while each site has things that I liked better or not so much, overall my experience was, as you said, interesting. I did have a couple of dates through eHarmony with nice guys with whom things just didn’t work out. I do agree that it can be quite a consuming process of viewing profiles and communicating with people. There is a lot I could say about the whole thing, both good and bad, but here’s what I found most interesting. It felt like shopping for a person. I mean, in a way (and this sounds very callous), that’s kind of what dating is: getting to know someone to see if you want to make a commitment. But with online dating, that part of the process is much more apparent. It’s easy to go through profiles and click ‘no’ or ‘add to cart.’ And it feels strange.
Hey Joy, welcome to the world of on-line dating! I have been on eHarmony and Christian Mingle and thoroughly enjoyed both. Yes it is totally a full time job (Entrepreneurial thought; scan EH & CM for folks and try to get them dates), luckily there are apps for both.
I didn’t date any crazy; actually I had a great time with everyone I went out with. The biggest ‘Connection Issue’ I had was distance as I was not will to drive a great distance to date, makes it safer for us to honor each other’s boundaries when it ‘gets late’ or we are ‘tired’ and may be not thinking straight.
I was however amazed at all the women in my local 30:40 ministry were on either or both*. There are a good 150+ folks in the 30:40 ministry that revolve in and out of the ministry, but when we — as a group — go out for dinner or anything, dating, marriage, children or commitments never come up in conversation. Most of the women I found from the ministry I would’ve never thought were even interested in dating; not just me, but anyone because they never talk about it. When I think two folks would be “good for each other” I typically try to get them talking about things they have in common and try to be a matchmaker. SO FUN! I totally agree there is a common lacking in communication skills with our generation now, and it is getting worse the younger you look; especially when it comes to face-to-face conversation.
I have been dating a wonderful young lady for 1.5 months now whom I met on CM.
*Disclaimer; I was only on one site at a time, not both at the same time.
Joy! Good for you for giving it a shot! I definitely tried online dating a couple of times. It was an interesting experience, and I don’t regret it, even though a majority of my “you will never believe this!” dating stories have their roots deep in eHarmony. And ultimately, while it didn’t work for me, It did help to help me narrow down what I didn’t want in a man, so I guess there is something to be said for that. The most unexpected thing that happened for me was that I noticed that I felt uncomfortable talking to, and setting up dates with, more than one guy at a time. I felt like a player or something! Kinda weird. Like I said, it was quite the experience. I understand why some people want to try it, and I understand why people don’t.
I’ve tried online dating (on several different dating sites) off and on over the past 6 years or so and can literally count on two fingers the number of dates I’ve gotten from it. So yeah, not really a fan. I know it works for some though so by all means, people should at least give it a shot.
Online dating is definitely not for me…
I met my wife through online dating (OKCupid was our site of choice).
In our experience, I think online dating is a very different process for men and women. My wife (and her friends) talk about the intense effort it takes to weed out the creepers, liars, and fakes. If one of those people sneak through, it can make your life miserable for a few months.
As a guy, it was a constant battle against disappointment. I was rarely contacted by a potential date so that put the burden on me to contact others. I was someone that would try and craft an individual response to each potential partner (instead of the terrible messages like “What’s up baby?”), which took some time and effort. Unfortunately, I bet I had the same response rate as some of the generic messages as only ~10 to ~20% of the people I contacted would actually respond. That constant feeling of “time-wasted” crept into my thinking, making it hard to put in the effort to build genuine, meaningful connections.
Of course, I’m married now, so maybe the effort was worth it!
Long time reader, first time commenter 🙂 Myself and a good girlfriend tried a free online dating website together a year or so ago in our city and that definitely helped that we could share the random messages with one another and laugh about the strange solicitations and ‘hey waz up baby here’s my cell #.’ messages. She actually met her current serious boyfriend (dating 8 months or so) from that free site! The experience is much better with a friend alongside you and they are also a good second-look so you don’t quickly dismiss potential people, which I think is too easy to do when it’s just a picture on a screen..
I have also tried eHarmony for a few months (am active on that site now and look at matches with friends and let my friends read messages that are exchanged..) and have found that I prefer the paid site. Having been on dates with maybe a dozen guys I met through dating websites (so far never more than 2 or so dates with the same guy), I view it as another way to meet potential guys, and not as a last-ditch-hope-this-works-cross-my-fingers method because online dating can be very awkward and you never know what the his personality is like until you meet in person.. and even after you meet it really does take more time to get to know them and their daily self, not just their coffee-shop-meet-up self. All this to say, I agree that it’s a lot of work, but it can be fun! Thank you for being so open on here and making some room for positive dialogue!
Ooooh boy, do I have thoughts. 😉 LOL. Yes. I have tried it. Yes, I still have a profile. Yes, I still think it’s weird. I think it’s all about being willing to drop the pride, and if God wants to use this tool as a way to bring me and my husband together – than so be it. If it’s to be local… well, maybe He’ll give me some encouragement to do a little nudging or at least SAY hi!!! :\ 🙂 (Oh. Mr. Walmart Whistler…. who are you???) =D
It’d be kinda nice if our man just kinda rode up to us on a unicorn eh? 🙂
My husband and I met on eHarmony. We just got married in April, we dated for 4 years before we got married, so we still really got to know each other. I had already been on eHarmony another time and tried Christian Mingle. I think in this day and age, especially depending on your work environment, online dating is great alternative.
I really enjoyed this posting. I personally haven’t tried online dating and I don’t discourage anyone from trying it. But I have heard from others of how they can spend hours flipping through profiles looking for a potential date. I personally haven’t dated in a couple years (by choice..). I really enjoy my female friends and I feel that building a friendship first is important before dating. It feels like going on a date with someone that is a stranger could create too many expectations. But then again, I could be wrong about all of this. It’s nice to read other people’s perspective of online dating. I meet people daily because I attend a lot of functions and hang out a lot at coffee shops. I enjoy meeting and getting to know someone on a more personal level than reading their bio and forming my own opinion of them beforehand.
Yeah – I think it’s important for everyone to know their own comfort level. I agree that reading online profiles is WAY less fun than hitting it off and experiencing chemistry from someone you just randomly meet, but the upside can be that when you do meet in person you both know you are being intentional! At least we can hope so!
Oh I’m so excited that you are giving this a shot! I really hope that it proves fruitful for you (if for no other reason than to just meet some great guys and learn a little more about yourself/what you’re looking for)
My husband and I both did online dating for several months before meeting and both agree that the overwhelming majority of people we talked to online and subsequently met in person were normal people just like us looking for someone. In the end, my husband and I met in person through a super cheesy slightly awkward church singles event (yes, i know, i know) but I still look back on my experience with online dating as a positiive thing and yes I recommend it to single friends (but I at least have the back up to say I’ve done it too and yes it can be super overwhelming! the questions! the answers! the perusing profiles! oy!)
Best wishes to you and your girlfriends!
p.s. did any of you get matched with the same guy?? My two friends got matched with the same guy through eharmony! ooops! 🙂 But one is marrying the guy this summer so it worked out!
I actually met my husband on eharmony after my cousin convinced me to sign up for it. At first I dove in and actively participated, checking it several times a day, just waiting for “the guy” to reply back or find me. However, it wasn’t until I decided to relax about the whole thing and not be so active (checked it once every other day to once a week) and trusted God to lead me to the right man, and to lead the right man to me, that my husband and I connected. I was in Washington State at the time and was only really looking in that area; he was in Ohio where he was born and raised. I had seen he was from Ohio in the list of possible matches and “archived” him. He saw me and thought, “She is never going to talk to me.” Thankfully, he sent me a smile anyway. After looking at his profile and seeing that he was a Godly man who worked with the youth at his congregation and we liked a lot of the same things, I decided “What the hey” and sent off the first round of the process. Not even a year latter we were married. (We did go through all the questions and skyped a lot! He also moved down to Louisiana and I moved back home to Texas in the meantime.) Our first in person meet up was when I picked him up from the airport in Texas. He came to visit and ended up staying in the office of my parents house (on the other side of the house from the bedrooms). Talk about awkward and weird! 😉 We have been married for 3 years now. I am thankful for eharmony and thankful for all the marriage conferences (one being Love and Respect!) that we went to while we were engaged and in the first few months of our marriage. I can absolutely say, though, that it works! Though, it works best with trust in God’s timing. 🙂
Hey Joy! I tried EHarmony before I met my now husband. I went on some really fun (and some REALLY WEIRD) dates and met some good people. I dated a guy who it ultimately didn’t work out with, but he was a great person with a great heart. I have friends who have met online and I think it’s a great way to meet people who you otherwise may not get to cross paths with.
(Okay so one guy I went out with told me he had my name tattooed on his butt. Despite my shock, he whipped out his phone and showed me a picture of his butt cheek. It is literally a tattoo that says “your name”.)