Mindy thinks...

Joy, have I got a story for you (permission to share at social gatherings for humor)!: My very first date is everyone’s favorite story. First, we were meeting at a train station, where he got a flat tire and we missed the train. Then, I held two umbrellas (one over me and one over him) while he tried, unsuccessfully, to change the flat tire for an hour in the rain. So, we took my car to a different train station. When the train arrived in downtown Chicago, we walked down to the riverfront to watch them dye the Chicago River green before the St. Patty’s Day parade started. The powder is maroon, but when mixed with water changes from maroon ->hunter orange -> highlighter yellow -> neon green. We were in the front row and I was right up on the railing. The powder flew up on the crowd, stained my clothes maroon where it was dry, green where it was wet, and my face (due to moisture in my skin) was orange. He laughed hysterically. It was cold, so we went to Chinatown to eat and warm up. This is where things went from bad to worse. On the way to Chinatown, I tried using my shirt to wipe off my face, but nothing came off. I thought, ‘Oh, it would probably help if I got the fabric wet then tried to wipe it off.’ BAD IDEA. I forgot that this powder was activated by moisture. I pulled my outer shirt away from my face and my shirt was not orange, but yellow and green!! My date exclaimed, “Now you’re face is turning yellow!” and continued to laugh hysterically. Once at the restaurant, I b-lined it for the women’s restroom. To my horror, my face was still orange, but now had neon yellow hues over the top of the orange. AND MY NOSTRIL RINGS, because my nose had been running do to the cold weather, was neon yellow pigment!! Not a yellow hue, PIGMENT! Like the blue man group people are blue, so my nostril rings were neon yellow pigment. Further, it wouldn’t wash off, even though the water was running green. So basically, hours from home, I must continue my date looking like an oompa loompa freak show. I go back out and sit across from my date who is, of course, still laughing hysterically. To make matters worse, I become very ill halfway through the meal. At this point, his laughter turns into concern. In addition to being stained and sick, my neck and back suddenly felt like I had been in a car accident. So, I limped back to the subway and then train station. As soon as we get on the train, I laid across a big seat and cried and whimpered the whole way home. At our stop, he laid down my passenger seat so I could continue to whimper and cry and he drove my car to other station where his car was. I basically ditched him when we got to his car, because if he drove my car to the hospital in my hometown, I’d have no way to get him back to his car an hour away. So, it takes me two hours to drive to my hometown. As soon as the hospital is in sight, I have a complete meltdown…in my car…in the middle of the road. So, not being able to see past my tears, I just sit there, with my foot on the brake, and cry, cry, cry. Eventually, I somewhat gather myself enough to get into the parking lot. I get out of my car and make my way to the entrance. However, NOW, I am hunched over like the hunchback of notre dame and limp and hobble up to the admissions counter…with my clothes stained red and green, my face stained orange with yellow over it, neon yellow pigment nostril rings, and NOW that I have been crying so much, I have two giant black mascara lines under my eyes like a football player. The patient registrar asked my name and I cried my name, inaudibly, at the highest decibels they have likely ever heard. They take me back immediately where the doctor looks me over, leaves, and then comes back and tells me, “I’m not quite sure how to tell you this, but, it would appear as though you have some sort of virus, but it has not been documented in this part of the country yet, so we can’t treat you for it.” I cried and I told him that he had to and they needed a guinea pig and I would be more than willing to take the chance of a treatment going bad in hopes that they could spare me from this agony (I’m not even a dramatic person, this truly was that awful). He said no and sent me home. I was out of work for a week. During that week, my hearing went away and I was DEAF FOR OVER A MONTH!! The fifth week my hearing was fully restored. We saw each other one more time after my hearing came back, but there was no magic. The end.

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