Hi Joy,
For the first half of my marriage I hadn’t read the Love and Respect book.
Now, the book has completely transformed the way I treat my husband and has made our marriage so much better. He is a great father and very funny— I even feel I have more than I could ask for in some regards.
At the same time, he tends to struggle at meeting my needs emotionally.
I finally broke down after some time and told him what I needed, which I really think gave him a wake-up call. For a few weeks, things started to change, but now it’s slowly going back to where we originally began.
I really don’t want to keep acting immaturely and having outbursts like this. Can you help me here? Are my expectations unrealistic?
— Samantha
Hi Samantha,
The important question to ask in this situation is: Am I trying to find all of my emotional needs being met only by my husband?
If we solely look to our significant other to meet all of our needs, they will eventually fail us whether they want to or not.
In this case, if you feel that your expectations are realistic, emphasizing and defining what your specific needs are and coaching your husband on what you need is just as vital as him making hints on his needs.
As my dad puts it, we need to do this dance by giving one another some information lovingly and respectfully and letting them act on it.
And no, we’re not talkin’ about salsa dancing here…unless y’all are into that sort of thing.
DID YOU LIKE THIS POST?
CHECK OUT THESE RELATED ARTICLES
Sex, Lies, and Conversation: Deborah Tannen— Formal Lunch
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
From My Heart
All of the Love and Respect Now Posts…In One Place!
Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs on Marriage, Parenting, Family of Origin, Work & Death
Fighting for Love (and Other Potentially Hazardous Cliches)
I would suggest the book The 5 Love Languages to the person who asked the question. It explains more how people have different ways that make them feel loved (like physical contact or quality time). What tends to happen is that the husband expresses love for his wife in the love language that make him feel loved (and vice versa). The problem with this is that if his wife has a different love language then she simply won’t feel as loved by those actions.
My husband and I are lucky in that Quality Time is the love language for both of us. This is what we naturally both want and give to express love which makes that part of our relationship pretty easy. We make sure to schedule regular date nights and take a few minutes each day to bond and we are both happy.
After I read the book though I could see some of the problems I had in past relationships where our ways or expressing and recieving love simply weren’t fulfilling each other. For example one boyfriend had the love language of Physical Contact so he would always be touching my back or have his arm around me or want to hold my hand. Instead of feeling loved or appreciated I felt smothered and uncomfortable with his level of PDA.
Lol…Joy you are hilarious!!! LOVE the keen and refreshing sense of humor at the end.
Bethany Persons thinks...
I have a similar situation with my husband. Words of affirmation is my second highest love language, whereas my husband doesn’t like to give or receive them at all. This came up in our pre-marital counseling, and our pastor told me that it’s ok to ask when I want some affirmation, and I’ll probably have to for our whole life together. It took a while for me to get used to that, but now it’s just part of the routine when getting ready for church or a date. When I’m ready to go, I ask him how I look, and he gives me a compliment. Sometimes I can see it in his eyes too. He’ll look at me affectionately, and be content doing that. But I like to hear it, so I ask him what he’s thinking or take a guess and he’ll affirm it.
There are other times I expect his emotional expression to be stronger, and I (too often) question the sincerity of the emotion he’s expressing. I have to remember that a narrower range of emotional expression doesn’t mean his emotions are less real or strong or sincere than mine.
I like what Emerson said about defining emotional needs. These are just a couple of mine and how I’ve learned to manage them in my marriage.
| at |