Stay Connected
Don't leave just yet. Besides these articles, sometimes I send out extra special stuff. Don't miss out. Sign up here.
What is the appropriate amount to share with a new boyfriend about a serious relationship in the past?
My first response and the aspect I truly believe is most important: Pray.
Sounds cliché, but I have seen it work in my own life. There were some things I wanted to share with a boyfriend about a past relationship. I didn’t want to rush it, but I also didn’t want to keep it from him. I had prayed for a few weeks that when the time was right, the opportunity would present itself.
One night we were on a walk in a cemetery (I have a weird thing for cemeteries) and as we were about to leave he said, “Is there anything else on your mind?” It was such a perfect opportunity and I briefly shared that particular piece of information.
However, I don’t know the context of “what” you want to share. Some people just like to blab excessively about their past relationships for no reason. Not cool. Others feel an obligation to share some aspects of a past relationship because they feel it will determine if their boyfriend or girlfriend will accept them fully. This is a tough spot to be in because you don’t want to keep things from someone you care about, but you also don’t want to entrust intimate details of your life with someone until you know they can be trusted.
I made the mistake of doing this with someone who couldn’t be trusted and it ended up being a very painful experience.
So what do you do?
My guess is that you are referencing physical choices that were made in past relationships. You don’t simply want to tell your boyfriend that your X had big biceps and scored a perfect 1600 on his SAT’s right? Let’s hope not.
First as I said before, pray for wisdom. If this is a new relationship, I would say err on the side of getting to know THIS boyfriend and enjoying the friendship in these new stages. Sometimes in our desire to be fully known, we can over share with someone who may not yet be a safe keeper of our choices and wounds from the past.
Secondly, assess your boyfriend’s personality and how he might feel most comfortable. This can best be done with an older couple who knows you both and your relationship. They can help guide you through what is appropriate to share and when.
You see, some guys don’t want to know much about your past. This may not be because they don’t want to fully know you, but rather because they know their struggles and know if they hear certain details it will be hard for them to get those details out of their head.
So ask yourself, what kind of man is he?
Does he not care about fully knowing you, or does he want to protect your relationship by keeping his mind free of distracting thoughts?
Other guys may want to know everything as a way to process and recalibrate. Many analytical guys can do this. However, make sure he is someone who will be safe with you and your heart. That is why I recommend keeping another couple involved who can help you through this process if it is hard to navigate alone. Just as you will want him to give you grace, remember to give him grace as he processes your past. It may be hard for him, but if he uses your past as a club to make you feel like you are a bad person…then you need to re-evaluate the relationship.
It’s a tough situation and can be scary to open up and be fully known.
I pray my advice meets you where you are in your relationship. Most of all, focus on your friendship and enjoying him now. Let your trust of each other build before you dive into the past, but at some point, it is healthy to discuss what parts of your lives made you both who you are today.
From my heart,
Joy
Stay Connected
Don't leave just yet. Besides these articles, sometimes I send out extra special stuff. Don't miss out. Sign up here.
Love and Respect (Now) is a division of Love and Respect. Please be considerate.
Leah – I think it all stems out of something good, which is to be known. But like we both found out…it’s not really always necessary, tactful or wise right in the beginning. I love you too.
Makeda – Love your name. Does it have a meaning? I realize that is off topic….ha. Thanks for the encouragement. I pray if it is truth it will help people…and if it’s not, that the Lord will shut me up. (-:
Joy you are very funny. I’m guessing time with you is time spent cracking up. Thanks for the compliment on my name. I was named after the Ethiopian Queen of Sheba. That was all i knew for a long time but I was recently told that it means beautiful. Learning to embrace that meaning isn’t easy but I’m trying to see myself the way the Father sees me. Thanks again!
Leah thinks...
i love you, and this is some good advice gurrrl.
i’ve made the same mistake as telling too much to my past boyfriends and it being this really dramatic experience that neither of us needed at the time because we weren’t even that serious yet.
I think you totally nailed it with…” Most of all, focus on your friendship and enjoying him now…”
and then also “..pray..” of course.
🙂
| at |